Chapter Five
I hear a ringing. I think I'm dreaming about being in a clock tower again. A strange recurring dream I've since I was little. I had much stranger when I was pregnant.
I hear the ringing again and open my eyes. It's just the phone, Finnick's phone to be exact.
I moan and roll over. It's clearly not my problem if it's Finnick's phone. I just wonder what is so urgent that someone needs to call him now.
"Hello?" I hear Finnick say softly. I feel the bed shift so he can take the phone in the hall. I hear him come back in seconds later. "Annie get up." Finnick says and shakes my shoulder roughly.
"Finnick." I moan and roll over.
"Get up." He commands and shakes my shoulder again.
"What?" I moan. I open my eyes and see he has that worried panicked look in his eyes. "Is something wrong?" I ask.
"Get up we need to go to the hospital." Finnick says.
"Why?" I ask and rub sleep from my eyes. I get out of bed and shiver from the cold. Maybe I'm not awake enough to realize there is only reason the hospital would call us at four am.
"Olivia." He says.
"What's wrong with her?" I ask. I start putting on sweat pants. I don't bother putting on a different shirt or bra. I just pull a hoodie over me. You won't be able to tell. "Finnick?" I press. "Is she okay? Is she alive?" I ask as we leave our bedroom. Finnick grabs the car keys.
"She's… alive." He says very calculated.
"Then why do we need to go to the hospital at four am?" I ask as we get in the car. "Do we need to make a decision or something?" I ask but, he doesn't say anything. "What's wrong with her?" I ask. He doesn't say anything. I do notice he is going twenty over the speed limit. "What's wrong with her Finnick?" I ask with more force.
"They just said we should come to the hospital as soon as possible. They said something wasn't right."
"That's it?" I say annoyed. If someone told me to come to the hospital ASAP I would want to know why. Especially since this is our daughter.
"When they said get to the hospital as soon as possible I didn't really care why." Finnick says slightly angry.
"Sorry." I say gently.
"It's okay. I'm just worried, especially since we live almost two hours away." He says.
"I know." I whisper. "You don't think-"
"She was fine a few hours ago. They probably just need us to sign something." He says.
"At four am?" I say skeptical.
Finnick sighs frustrated.
"Finnick if this is the end and she-" I say. I can't say the rest.
Finnick doesn't say anything for awhile.
"We'll be okay." He says softly. "I have you." He whispers but, doesn't take his eyes from the road.
I nod.
The rest of the drive is silent. We make occasional comments but we really don't want to say anything until we know she's okay. We finally get off the highway and then to the hospital. It takes us almost fifteen minutes to find a parking spot.
I take Finnick's hand as we go inside.
"Finnick." I whimper. A part of me doesn't want to go in there just in case something terrible is waiting for us.
He kisses the top of my head.
"Don't worry, not yet." Finnick says in that tone of voice where I know he's worried.
We get to the right floor and the nursing desk.
"Mrs. And Mr. Odair." One of the regular nurses say. Of course they would recognize us, Finnick and I come here every day. We spend hours here to see Olivia.
"What are we doing here?" I ask.
"Your daughter has an infection." The says
"You couldn't have told us this today? Or tomorrow?" Finnick asks.
"What kind of infection?" I ask.
"Pneumonia." She says. "We believe she got this by being one the ventilator."
"Isn't that supposed to help her breathe not give her an infection?" I ask.
"Yes but sometimes the use of the ventilator can cause an bacterial infection." She explains.
"So fix it." I say.
"We can't it's progressed too far." She says in a voice too gentle.
"So she's going to die." Finnick says. I guess we shouldn't beat around the bush. They would have to tell us outright anyways.
"Yes." She says and it feels like the wind has been knocked out of me "It's very likely. Unless, the antibacteria medication starts to work but it hasn't been showing any progress."
"So you called us down here so we could see her die?" I whisper. It's kind of cruel really but, they would have to tell us and at least we get to say goodbye.
"We don't know exactly when it will happen. But it will most likely be soon. Most parents like to say goodbye." She says gently.
"But-" I start. This is all happening too quickly. I've been given all this devastating information in five minutes. I'm having trouble breathing. Maybe I'm still asleep in bed at home and this is all one big nightmare.
"She's in a private room." The nurse says. She starts to lead us to the rooms where the really really sick babies go. Where the ones who usually die go.
We get in the room and I see her in her box.
"Can we hold her?" I ask.
"Of course. I'll give you some privacy." She says and leaves.
"She's dying." I whisper and go to her incubator. I feel my chin tremble.
"Why is she still hooked up to the ventilator then." Finnick asks but, I don't answer. I don't know the reason and I don't care why. It won't change anything.
I take her out of the box and hold her. She's bigger than she was when I gave birth. She's been alive for less than a month and now she's going to die.
I breathe in and out deeply.
"She's so pretty." I whisper. Finnick kisses the back of my head.
"Yes she is." Finnick says and kisses her.
"You can hold her." I say. Neither Finnick or myself have been able to hold her much. I guess we can now because she's dying.
He does.
"Precious." He says and kisses her head.
I don't know how long we're in here when I notice Olivia looks like she wants to cry. Her face is all scrunched and she looks almost in pain.
"It looks like she's in pain." I whisper. I don't want her to be in pain. I don't want her to be hurting the last few moments in her short life. I want to fix all of this. I kiss the top of her head.
"I think it's because of the ventilator. They should take it out. I think it's only drawing this out." Finnick says.
"I don't want her to die." I say. She makes a scrunched face and moans. She is in pain. I don't want her to be in pain. I kiss her forehead.
"I love you." I whisper. "Get one of the nurses." I say.
He does and the nurses do remove the ventilator. They were supposed to do it as soon as we got here. However, someone messed up. When it's gone she moans softly and starts squirming. She's going to die, soon. She's going to die.
"Finnick." I say and he strokes her face. She's making this moaning gasping noise. She can't breathe. I keep kissing her and Finnick holds her hand. Within twenty minutes her chest stops moving up and down and she stops moving. She's dead.
Even though she's dead I don't want to let go of her. She doesn't feel cold or anything. She could be a doll.
"What do we do now?" I ask and still cradle her close.
"I think we need to fill out paperwork." He says and rubs his eye. Finnick is about to cry too. I kiss her forehead.
"I don't want to let go of her." I whisper. "Because then it's real." I say and start crying.
"Annie." Finnick says and sits next to me. He keeps kissing my temple and stroking my hair.
"I can't let go of her." I whisper.
"Give her to me then." Finnick says gently and kisses my cheek.
I shake my head.
"Can't let go of her." I whisper and kiss her forehead again. Logically I know I can't stay in this room and hold her forever. But, I don't want to think of that because when I leave that room Finnick and I will no longer have a daughter. Our first child never made it back to our house. We never got to take home. We never got to see her grow up. We never got to see her healthy.
I only give her to Finnick when I feel like I'm going to throw up.
After I go to the bathroom, I feel like I should just run from the hospital. I can't deal with all of this. How can I move on from this? How will Finnick and I both move on from this.
"Annie?" I hear Finnick say. I look towards the door strangely. He isn't in the bathroom. He just opened the door. "Annie, if you're in here please let me know. I can't check every bathroom in this place." Finnick says.
I smile. I know he would too.
I leave the stall and walk towards him.
"There you are." He whispers once I'm in his arms. Finnick moves so we aren't blocking the bathroom door. "It's okay." He whispers and rocks us back and forth.
"No it's not." I say. Finnick kisses the top of my head. He doesn't respond he just starts to lead us somewhere.
"Where are you taking us?" I ask.
"We need to fill out paperwork." Finnick says and kisses my forehead.
"What about Olivia?" I ask.
"They're keeping her safe." Finnick says.
I breathe in and out deeply. At least they are keeping her body. I'm not ready to say goodbye. I don't think I will ever be ready to say goodbye.
I sign some papers. It mostly has to do with her death certificate, hospital bills, things to be notarized, and a funeral. That one surprised me. Olivia wasn't even a month old but when someone is x amount of days old you are legally obligated to. Finnick dealt with most of the details. At the end of all of this the clerk gives us a pamphlet on how to cope with this. I rip it up in front of her.
"Let's go home." Finnick says when we are finished.
I sigh.
I look down at my phone and see it is two in the afternoon. I'm surprised. We didn't get here until six. Olivia didn't… pass away right away that was probably hours. I hid in the bathroom for roughly an hour. Then paperwork.
"I don't want to go." I whisper.
Finnick kisses my cheek. He laces his fingers with mine.
"It's going to be okay. We'll see her again." He says softly and starts leading us to the exit. The next time we will see her will be at her funeral. I don't think I can pick out a cute little outfit for that. It will be the only outfit she will ever wear. That's just too depressing and heartbreaking to think about.
We don't say anything else until we get to the car, Finnick talks first
"We should get something to eat." He says.
"We should get something to… what?" I ask startled. That should be the last thing on his mind.
"We haven't eaten anything all day Annie. We can just pick something up on the way home." He says and starts the car.
"That's what you care about right now?" I say.
Finnick sighs and turns the car off.
"I really would prefer if we waited until home until we get into all of this Annie." He says softly.
"I can't wait that long." I say.
Finnick runs his fingers though his hair.
"Annie I can't drive if we talk about this now."
I know what he means. Finnick isn't the best driver when he's upset. I don't think anyone is but, Finnick turns into a terrible driver almost like a drunk.
"Then I'll drive." I say.
"You're going to start crying." Finnick says gently.
I sigh. I know he's right.
"Fine just drive." I say slightly angry.
He turns the car back on. He stops at Wendy's before we get on the highway.
"You should eat something." Finnick says as he changes lanes. Finnick can eat anything while he's driving. I quite envy that fact.
"I'm not hungry." I say.
"You need to take care of yourself. At least have the frosty." He says.
Eating fast food isn't exactly taking care of myself but, I can't just stop eating.
I look over towards Finnick and see he is white knuckling the steering wheel. He's also going thirty over the limit.
"Finnick?" I say. I don't think he heard me. "Finnick?" I say again and rub his forearm.
He flinches.
"Slow down." I say. He looks at the dashboard.
"Oh sorry." He says and lays off the gas. "Everyone speeds though." He mumbles.
"You weren't just speeding. You were out of it." I say softly.
"Home Annie." He says.
"I love you Finnick." I say.
"I love you too." He says.
When we finally get home I just want to go to sleep, maybe when I wake up this will all have been a dream. But I also want to talk to Finnick. I want him to hold me and tell me everything will be alright.
Finnick and I sit in the couch. I hold him tightly. I don't know how long we hold onto each other but when my grasp loosens Finnick says the words I haven't wanted to hear.
"Our daughter is dead." He says softly and sniffles.
Finnick doesn't cry often, men aren't supposed to, but I think he's 'allowed' to cry this time.
"I know." I whisper and can feel my chin tremble.
"I thought she was okay." He whispers and kisses the top of my head. "She was getting better." He whispers.
"She was, she was doing better." I whisper. "I thought we were going to take her home, soon."
"She never came home. I guess it's a good thing we never agreed on a paint color." He says. He sounds almost cynical.
"Finnick." I say and rub his back. "I wanted her home too. I wanted to see her grow up. I wanted to see her hair color. I wanted to see..." I trail off there's so much I wanted to see that I can't name them all.
I lean my head against his chest while some tears leak out.
"What are we gonna do?" I whimper.
"What do you mean?" He asks. His voice is thick. He's been crying.
"How do we move on from this?" I whisper.
Finnick kisses me.
"I don't know." He whispers.