Chapter Six
I groan.
Yesterday we had Olivia's funeral. We didn't tell anyone. She's been dead for almost a week. I don't want anyone to yet but, it's not like I can avoid it forever. People are expecting me to give birth in a few months.
The only people who Finnick and I told are both of our Moms. My Mom wouldn't tell anyone else. I'm pretty sure Finnick's won't either. I think telling people makes it more real. Even though we buried her yesterday it still doesn't feel real.
Finnick and I picked a cute dress to put her in. The top was black and it had a green skirt. She looked beautiful. We took pictures as well. It was very depressing. When I held her this time, her body was cold and it was clear that she wasn't asleep, she was dead.
Finnick and I seem to be tiptoeing around each other. I still love him and he still loves me but something feels different. It feels like we are almost avoiding each other.
I hear my phone ring. I want to ignore it. The hospital calls me the most these days.
I pick it up and freeze when I see the caller. I answer it slowly.
"Hello?" I say woodenly.
"Annie! Are you excited to see me this weekend?" My sister Ella asks. I totally forgot she was going to come and visit Finnick and myself.
"Oh-" I start.
"I was thinking I could help you pick things out for your baby and give you some name suggestions. I've got a couple good ones-"
"Ella-" I start. It feels like something is blowing up in my stomach. She's still talking but I'm no longer listening. "Annie? Annie! Hello?" I hear and flinch.
"Oh uh… you don't need to do any of that." I say.
"I know but I want to." She says. I can tell she is smiling.
"Ella I don't think you should come up this weekend."
"I was kidding about picking out the name. That's clearly yours and Finnick's job."
"Ella Finnick and I already picked out the name." I say softly.
"Really what is it?" She asks excited.
"Olivia Grace." I say softly.
"And if it's a boy? I get the feeling it is going to be a boy Annie." She says.
"It's a girl." I say. I can feel my eyes fill with tears.
"I thought you and Finnick didn't want to know." She says confused.
"We didn't but uh, Ella I'm not really… pregnant."
"Annie I've seen the photos you've sent to me. You've got the baby bump." She says.
"I meant anymore." I say softly.
"You gave birth, already?" She says surprised.
"Yes." I say softly.
"Are you okay?" She asks.
"I'm okay but our daughter is not." I say softly.
"Is she really sick?" Ella asks.
"She was." I say barely audible.
"She was? Does that mean she's better and I can see her?" Ella asks. Although I can tell she knows Olivia isn't better.
"She passed away a few days ago. In mine and Finnick's arms."
"Oh Annie." She whispers. "Maybe I shouldn't come this weekend." She says softly.
"I think that might be true." I whisper. Finnick and I need to spend more time alone together. I think our relationship is starting to change and not for the better. Both of us aren't going to work. We took time off to grieve. I didn't really want to be around anyone else. I know people will ask what happened as soon as they see me because, it's obvious I'm no longer pregnant.
After Ella hangs up I cry softly. Finnick opens the door. He went to get groceries.
I try and wipe my tears away but he will be able to tell I was crying. He's known me for too long. He loves me.
Finnick sets the stuff in the kitchen.
"What's wrong?" Finnick asks as soon as he sees me. He sits next to me on the couch.
"I was talking to Ella. I had to tell her about Olivia." I whimper.
Finnick kisses the top of my head.
"I can't tell everybody Finnick. It's too sad. I still can't believe-" I can't finish.
I lean into his chest and his arms wrap tightly around me.
"I know." He kisses the top of my head. "I know." He whispers.
"I don't want to forget about her." I whisper. I'm afraid that when Finnick and I have another child we will forget all about Olivia.
"We won't." He whispers and kisses my cheek. "She was a part of us Annie. We won't just forget about her." He says and strokes my hair.
"I'm just worried about what will happen when we have another child. What if we forget all about her."
"We won't forget about her." Finnick reassures and runs his hands up and down my back.
I nod into his chest.
"Finnick." I whisper.
He kisses the top of my head.
"Yes?" He says.
I clear my throat.
"I don't… I don't… want to try for another kid right away." I whisper. Finnick and I aren't allowed to have sex for a couple more weeks. I don't care about that, I just don't want to have another baby so close to Olivia. Especially if this were to happen again.
"I know. Me too." He whispers and kisses my forehead.
"Okay. Good. I just needed to say it." I say and lean into his chest.
"I know." He starts playing with my hair "Not to say we'll never have a kid though?" He asks.
I nod.
"I want a kid with you Finnick Odair just not right now. Olivia…" I trail off.
"I understand. It's too painful right now." He whispers. "For both of us." He kisses my cheek.
I hold onto Finnick tightly.
"I love you." I whisper.
"I love you too. I'll always love you, and we will get through this together." He whispers.
I push myself closer to him. I'm almost sitting on his lap.
"I know it's been weird the last couple of days." I whisper. "Between me and you."
"We're okay Annie." He says and kisses my forehead.
"You don't blame me do you?" I whisper not wanting to hear the answer. I keep blaming myself, who wouldn't.
"Of course not. You didn't do anything wrong. There was nothing nobody could've done." He says carefully.
"I should've known something wasn't right. I was tired and dizzy. My stomach was always hurting. I-"
"Annie. There's nothing you did wrong. You had been getting dizzy spells recently. Everyone gets tired and you got stomach aches all the time."
"Maybe that was a warning-" Finnick pulls me up so I can see his face.
"Sweetie there was nothing you could've done."
"I feel like I should've been able to do something. I was her Mother."
"Oh Annie." Finnick says sadly. "You couldn't have done anything." He says and kisses my cheek.
"I'll always think it was my fault." I say. "You'll never be able to convince me it wasn't." I say. I know deep deep deep down that I didn't do anything wrong but I will always feel like I did. I will always feel like I failed our daughter.
"Okay. But I don't blame you and you'll drive yourself crazy thinking of all the what ifs."
"Then I guess I'll drive myself crazy." I whisper and lean back into Finnick's chest.
Finnick sighs and kisses the top of my head.
"I'll always love you." He whispers.
I sniffle. I know he always will and I know he thinks I did nothing wrong. He's perfect and right now that is almost annoying.