"Daddy!"
I'm halfway down the hall towards Teddy's bedroom when I hear my son's squeal and I feel my heart flip over as I recall the number of times I heard that squeal, which was immediately followed by footsteps that resembled a herd of elephants stampeding through the house, then several minutes of father-son roughhousing. Usually that was rounded off by a little mommy-daddy time when Daddy made his excuses to get changed out of his work clothes and dragged me along with him.
It takes me several seconds to catch my breath and finish my short trek to my son's bedroom where I remain out of sight to listen to the conversation. Despite how very badly it hurts, I still want—no, need—to hear his voice.
"Hey, Ted Bear!" comes Christian's enthusiastic response. No matter what was going on between us, our number one priority was to never let our son see the animosity between us. I know all too well the sort of effects fighting between parents can have on a child and I will never put my son through that. It hits me that I'm doing exactly that right now, however passively it may be. "You've gotten so big!"
Teddy's too young, but I can hear the emotion in Christian's voice as he undoubtedly roves his eyes all over his son, his carbon-copy.
"Yeah, Mommy says I grew two inches since last month!" Teddy happily informs his father.
"Does she?" Christian asks. Did his voice just crack...?
Teddy starts talking at a mile a minute, giving Christian every last detail of what he's been doing since they talked three days ago. It's almost painful how much energy it takes me not to run into the room and get a glance of my husband. I know it won't do either of us any good and I've managed to avoid it up until now.
When I tune back into the conversation, Christian is talking about Teddy coming to Seattle in a few weeks. It's the only time we've managed to arrange everyone's schedules for a visit. The plan is for Mia, who's working at some restaurant in Italy to fly here to London then take Teddy back with her to Seattle. Arrangements for Teddy's return to me got a little hairy for a bit. Apparently Christian has some business in Germany around that time and he was overly insistent that it would be no trouble at all to schedule a layover in London. Luckily Kate somehow managed to talk him out of it. I don't know what she said, but I do know I owe that woman everything. Between her and Grace, I've been able to avoid some of the messier aspects of my breakup with Christian, particularly when it came to making arrangements for Teddy and Christian to see each other.
Kate, at least, understood. A few years ago, she and Elliot were going through much the same thing as Christian and me. Clearly Kate is more forgiving than I am and eventually let Elliot back into the house, but not before promising a repeat offense would result in a home castration. Granted, I haven't had the stomach to discuss my situation with anybody, least of all Kate, who from the very onset told me Christian was bad news and never really warmed to him in the way I had hoped. Well, it seems she was right...
"...see if Mommy will talk to me for a second?"
I shake myself from my thoughts just in time to hear Teddy jump down from his bed where I have the laptop set up for him. I steady myself and rearrange my expression from utterly devastated and miserable to something that won't scare my son, just in time for him to pull the door open all the way.
"Mommy, Daddy wants to talk to you," he announces, tugging on my hand to drag me into his room and over to the computer.
Oh no... No. Nononono. This cannot happen. Aside from everything else, I'm a complete wreck physically and there is no way in hell I am facing Christian looking the way I do with messy hair, thin body, paler than normal skin while he looks picture perfect and sexy with his just-fucked hair. Just thinking that phrase makes me cringe these days... Besides, if I give into this, it'll just prove I'm still under his spell, and whether it's true or not, I will not show any sign of weakness in front of him. Not after what he's put me through.
"Well, tell Daddy I'm in the middle of making dinner," part truth; I did just place an order for a pizza... "and I can't talk to him right now."
What's left of my heart breaks even more at the sight of my son's crestfallen face and I realize as young as he may be, Teddy's picked up on a lot more than I wanted him to, and this is his way to try and make things better between his parents. Nodding dejectedly, I blink back tears as my little copper-haired angel turns away and returns to the computer.
"Mommy's busy," he tells his father in a murmur.
Then I hear the exact same dejection from the computer speaker. "Oh. Well, that's fine." Christian's trying to put on a brave face for his son. I'm sure there will be quite the mess to clean up in his home office once this chat is finished. Christian clears his throat, though when he speaks next, his voice is still hoarse. "I have to get to work, buddy. I love you very much and I'll see you very soon, okay?" I don't hear Teddy's response; all my focus is on Christian. "Make sure you give Mommy a big hug and kiss for me and tell her I love her, too."
Teddy nods and I see his little lip quivering; he's fighting tears, too. "Bye, Daddy," he whispers, giving a pitiful little wave just before Christian ends the call. Teddy doesn't look up at me to pass along Christian's message like he always has; instead, he shoves the computer to the foot of his bed, turns onto his stomach, and buries his head in his pillow. I have to leave when I hear his first sob, unable to keep myself from breaking down, much less comforting a sad little boy.
What have I done?
The rest of the night is spent in silence. My four-year-old is giving me the fucking silent treatment, no doubt a trait he inherited from his father. And I must say, Teddy pulls it off brilliantly.
We ate dinner on the floor together in front of the television. I watched my son pick at his pizza, taking a couple bites every so often, but he didn't shovel it down like he normally does. I tried to engage him in conversation, telling him everything I've learned about the new school he'd be attending at the end of the summer. I found his favorite cartoons and tried to spark him into conversation about those. I offered to take him to the park tomorrow. Since I've got a job now, which I don't start for another month, when the person currently holding my position retires, I've got time to spend with my boy before he goes off to visit his father for the rest of the summer. Not even the promise of ice cream can break him out of his sullen mood.
He doesn't fight bath time, doesn't beg me to read him a story before bed, and he only grudgingly allows me to kiss him as I tuck him into bed.
"I love you, Teddy," I whisper into the dark as I leave the room.
The only response is a sniffle.
For the first time since we came here, I truly wonder if I've done the right thing. My declining to speak with his father has upset Teddy more than anything else has so far. I knew this transition would be difficult on him—he couldn't possibly understand all the circumstances at his age—and I knew that at some point it would all catch up with him. Perhaps I was too naïve to believe it would hold off until I had better answers than "Mommy and Daddy just need to be apart right now."
I can't tell him the truth. That much I know. I just have to find a way to explain this in terms he can understand. And there is no hope in the world that whatever I tell Teddy won't be repeated to Christian once those two are reunited. So whatever I come up with has to be something Christian will back me up on; not that he's really got much choice in the matter. He's certainly not going to tell his four-year-old why Mommy refuses to be in the same country as Daddy.
A dark thought passes through my mind and my blood runs icy in my veins. Christian will have Teddy for nearly a month, and in that time, Christian could tell Teddy... anything. But no, not even Christian Grey, master of all, would try to turn a small boy against his mother, not after what he went through as a child. Still, Teddy means the absolute world to Christian, and vice versa. Who's to say Teddy won't suddenly "decide" he likes it better in Seattle with his father? No papers have been filed yet; no discussions of custody have been had. As far as the law is concerned, Christian and I are still happily married, and Christian had more than enough money to manipulate things just enough to say Teddy is better off with him than with me. And if a divorce were to ever actually go through...
"Fuck," I murmur, staring blankly at the wall across from me. How have I not thought of any of this before?
You know why. My subconscious, when she rears her ugly, snarky head, hasn't been too pleased with me lately... Because you haven't decided things between you and Christian are over yet. Because you still think, even as bad as they are, things can be fixed. Because you still love him.
I roll my eyes, but can't think of a decent argument.
When I glance at the clock, I find it's nearly two in the morning and I'm still wide awake. I spent an hour or so cleaning, not that we've let the apartment get messy; another hour reading, though my mind was everywhere else but on what I was seeing on the pages; half an hour in the tub; and now I'm sitting on the sofa, staring dully at the television. I know better than to try sleeping now; even if I do manage to drift off, I'll only be awake within the hour crying my eyes out over some dream about Christian.
I yelp suddenly when my cell phone starts violently vibrating across the glass table sitting beside me. For a few seconds, I just stare at it, wondering who in the world would be calling me this late, knowing Teddy would be fast asleep. At this thought, I glance down the hall to see whether my reaction has woken my son; it hasn't, so I turn my attention back to the phone, which has moved to the edge of the table and is threatening to fall off. It silences and I continue to stare at it, confused. Whether it's from the late hour or the fact that my son won't speak to me, I don't know, but all my mental faculties have taken a leave of absence.
When I hear a soft double beep, I shake myself out of my momentary lapse and snatch up the phone. I don't bother checking the caller id, since whoever it was will have left a voicemail, and I feel my heart beat a frantic pace in my chest until the voice on the message stops it cold.
"Hello, Anastasia." Even if I hadn't just heard his voice over the computer a few hours ago, I would have recognized Christian's voice anywhere. My free hand shoots to my mouth to fight back a sob at the tone in which he speaks my name and at the memory of what that once did to me. Does it still? I squirm a little and I know the answer is still unequivocally yes. He sounds tired when he continues to speak, which just proves the tone he used with Teddy was a front. "I realize it's very late in London and you're probably asleep, but I just wanted..." He sighs. "I was sorry to hear you were too busy to speak with me this evening during my chat with our son." I think he may have emphasized the our more than he would have done before I left him. "I just wanted to touch base with you in regards to Teddy's visit here in a week and a half, and once again extend the invitation for you to join him." This was the first issue Kate had to smooth out for me... "I understand if you have other obligations, but it might be good if you were to come. I'm sure Teddy will miss you terribly, and I..." He swallows audibly and I feel tears falling from my eyes. "Anyway, I hope you're well. Mia will be in contact in the next day or so to arrange her visit." He pauses, clearly uncertain where to go from here. "Ana..." His voice cracks. "Please call me back. I need to hear your voice, I need to know you're okay and you're safe. Please let me apologize again. Ana, I can make this right—"
I end the call, drop the phone to the floor, and curl up as the sobs hit me.
Over the next several days, Teddy very slowly comes back to me until he's finally back to the sweet, loving, funny little boy he's always been. I haven't returned Christian's call; I don't really know if I can. Hell, I haven't even been able to go back and listen to the rest of his voicemail.
Teddy is starting to get excited about his trip to Seattle. Mia called the morning after Christian to inform me she would be in town at the end of the week, a full three days before they were scheduled to fly back to the States. Much as I have missed that bubble of energy and desperately long to see a familiar face, I know exactly what is going to happen while she is here. Not even Christian can manage to ignore her for very long, so what chance have I got to resist her charms? She'll have me singing like a canary before the end of the first day.
The hours until Mia's arrival are flying by faster than what felt fair. I've done my very best to make our apartment acceptable to somebody used to only the finest of all things like the Greys were.
Like you were... My subconscious is grumpy today. Nothing new...
Despite my current situation, I can't stand the thought of Mia coming in here, taking one look around, and feeling sorry for me. And of course, she can be expected to give Christian a full report at his earliest convenience, which of course makes me feel even worse.
"She's here!" Teddy's running around the apartment in circles, smiling so widely it's a wonder his jaw hasn't broken in half. It always makes me smile to see my boy happy. "Auntie Mia's here, Mommy!"
How he knows that before I do is beyond me, but I glance out the window at the sidewalk outside our building, and indeed Mia Grey is there getting out of a cab and looking around her uncertainly. I grin. "Come on, Teddy boy," I say, slipping on my shoes and grabbing my keys. "Let's go say hello!"
As we make our way downstairs, Teddy's excitement is starting to rub off on me. There haven't been many times in the past six months that I've given into letting myself be genuinely happy, but if ever there were a time, this is it. Before the elevator door opens all the way, Teddy is out like lightning, sprinting the distance between the elevator and front door. I follow at a more sedate pace, watching and smiling as Mia bends down to lift my son off his feet and wrap him in her arms. When I finally reach them, both of them are talking a mile a minute and it takes a minute or so for them to realize I'm even there.
"Ana!" Mia squeals, pulling me into a three-way hug between her and Teddy. "God, it's so good to see you!"
"You, too," I reply, feeling sad again all of a sudden. The last time I saw Mia was at a family dinner in Bellevue, before everything blew up in my face. Christian and I had fought that morning—I can't remember what about, but it was pointless—and we didn't even so much as look in each other's direction for hours. It didn't take much for the Greys to realize something was going on; in turn, Kate, Grace, and Mia each pulled me aside to ask me what was wrong. I told them as much of the truth as I thought I could get away with—Christian and I had had a fight, we'd work it out in our own time, and no, Kate, you don't need to string him up by the balls, thank you very much for the offer, though.
In hindsight, perhaps I should have let Kate string him up by the balls. Certainly would have cut out a lot of heartache for me...
Almost intuitively, I look over my shoulder at the feeling of being watched. You have got to be kidding me... Standing just out of immediate eyeshot is one Luke Sawyer. The man hasn't changed a bit; he is still quiet and expressionless as he watched the three of us.
"Sorry," Mia whispers to me, seeing where my eyes are lingering. "He showed up at Heathrow baggage claim and I didn't have much choice in letting him tagalong."
I force a smile on my face. "It's fine," I lie. "I should have expected this." I turn to Sawyer. "Hello, Luke." Might as well be pleasant, right?
Sawyer nods respectively once. "Mrs. Grey," he murmured.
And even though I've heard him call me this a million times in the past, I can't help the flip my insides do at his words. "Come on," I tell Mia quietly, jerking my head back to the building. "Let's get your stuff dropped off inside and we can go grab a bite to eat."
"Perfect," Mia groaned. "I'm starving."
Before I can even reach for them, Sawyer rushes forward to take Mia's luggage then waits for me to lead the way. I'm nervous as I open the door to our apartment. I know no matter what Mia will be too polite to say anything about the place to my face, but for the first time, I look at the apartment—really look at it—and wonder how I've let things go this far. Teddy deserves more than this, he deserves the very best of everything, but I've got him living in a shithole apartment, because I'm too prideful to use the funds Christian has provided to find us someplace nicer.
Unsurprisingly, I see the look of shock on Mia's face as she takes in our surroundings. Her expression changes rapidly from aforementioned shock to confusion, then briefly to anger before settling on sympathetic.
"I know it's not much," I hear myself murmuring defensively.
"No," Mia says quickly, turning her eyes back to me again. "It's fine. Sorry, it's just..." She looks around the apartment for a moment, then shrugs lamely, apparently unable to think of a suitable word. "Different."
I smile at her. "It's a shithole, Mia," I tell her, trying to show her I'm not offended by her thoughts. "Call it what it is..."
Mia grins. "Fine, it's a shithole, since you insist," she replied.
We drop Mia's luggage in Teddy's room where she'll be staying while she's here—Teddy and I will camp out in the living room—and decide it's time to get something to eat before Teddy goes into a full blown hunger tantrum. I turn around and see Sawyer standing just outside the apartment door, on his cell phone, talking quietly to someone. I inch a little closer, trying to confirm my suspicions about who is on the other end.
"Yes, sir. I understand... Yes, I will stay close by... Everything is clear from here, perimeter is secure. I will report if anything changes... Of course, Mr. Grey."
Goddammit... I don't know why I'm surprised. Or maybe not surprised so much as resigned to the fact that I can never fully escape Christian's influence, especially not where his son is concerned. I can't really blame him for the security, though; he was smart enough to give up arguing with me over whether he would be hiring an entirely new security detail to follow Teddy and me wherever we went. It's not that I've dismissed the very real threats that go along with being a part of Christian's life; I'd be a fool to do that after everything we've been through. But when it comes down to it, I need distance and not somebody tailing me everywhere, placing full reports to Christian every night about whether or not I've eaten. I have no doubt that there are eyes all around me, keeping an eye on things at a distance, with instructions to only intervene when absolutely necessary.
Part of me appreciates the fact that should something happen, Teddy and I aren't out here all on our own. I don't expect any trouble, but I'd never forgive myself if I let something happen to my son just because of my own stubborn independence.
Sawyer ends the phone call and turns back towards the apartment, freezing when he finds me watching him. He at least has the decency to look sheepish. "Mrs. Grey," he muttered, unable to meet my eyes.
"How's Christian, Luke?" I hear myself asking.
Expertly hiding his surprise, Sawyer clears his throat a little. "He's well, ma'am, under the circumstances."
I nod, turning away to wait on Mia and Teddy.
Dinner was positively delicious. Mia spent the majority of it commanding the conversation as usual, telling us everything she'd been up to since we'd last seen her. Catching us up on all the gossip from home. Schooling me on the latest clothing trends. I took this last one as a not so subtle hint that I've let my fashion sense drag a little since leaving Christian. Maybe while Teddy is away I'll have myself a little shopping spree to update my wardrobe before starting my new job.
Returning home, Teddy is fast asleep against Sawyer's shoulder—he's gotten a little too heavy for me to carry for long. For a moment I'm reminded of the times I saw Teddy sleeping against Christian's shoulder on any number of occasions. It never got old, watching my husband, the man who once told me he didn't have a heart and couldn't possibly be a father to a child, act utterly besotted by Teddy. The amount of patience Christian had with our son was incredible and I often wondered why he couldn't give me that same patience.
With Teddy tucked into his makeshift bed on the floor, Mia and I pour ourselves a couple of glasses of wine she insisted on picking up on the walk home and head out onto the patio, sitting in the chairs I brought out from the dining table. We sit in amenable silence for a few minutes, Mia staring out into the London night thoughtfully, me waiting for the barrage of questions that was probably about to hit me very soon. I try to formulate all my responses ahead of time, thinking I know Mia well enough to know what she might ask. I know she's as protective of her big brother as he is of her and hates to see him hurting, so I'm a little surprised she's been as pleasant to me as she has been. Not that I'd really expect anything less from her; she's always been more than kind to me.
"My brother is an idiot," Mia says quietly, still looking straight ahead.
I look at her in surprise. This isn't how I saw this going... "Christian or Elliot?" I ask in a lame attempt at humor.
She shoots me a look that tells me she isn't in a joking mood. "Christian," she says before sighing. "I love him very much and there isn't much in the world that I wouldn't do for him, but the fact that he let you walk out on him without a fight is fucking ridiculous."
"I wouldn't say it was without a fight, Mia," I reply wryly. There was a fight. A huge one. And it's not something I want to retell to Christian's baby sister. "But at the end of it, he let me go because he knew it was what I needed."
"And I don't suppose you'll tell me what he did to make you leave?"
My silence is enough of an answer for her.
She sighs again. "Well, whatever it is, he regrets it with every fiber of his being. I've never seen him like this, Ana. Or heard him like this, since I haven't really seen him in months. But from what Mom and Kate say, he's worse than he was before he met you, and that's saying something." She hesitates, and I think it's the first time she's ever done so in my presence. "Do you think there's any chance you two might get back together?"
It's the same question I've been asking myself ten times a day since I made the decision to leave Seattle. Unfortunately, my answer hasn't changed. "I really don't know," I tell Mia. "As of right this very minute, I have to say no, but that answer changes pretty often, sometimes on an hourly basis."
"Do you still love him?"
"More than anything," I answer without thought. "I think that's what is making all of this so difficult to figure out. If I felt a little less in love with him, I might be able to make a choice one way or another, but..." I shrug, feeling tears stinging my eyes. Mia moves her chair a little closer to pull me into a one-armed hug. "I never thought our marriage would come to this, Mia, hanging on by a thread. My mom is on her fourth fucking marriage, and with every divorce she's gone through, I've watched another part of her break apart. Not to mention how difficult it was for me to deal with the divorces, the one from Ray in particular. I always swore I'd never put my children through that, that no matter what, my husband and I would work through our problems together. And here I am, repeating her mistakes."
"How's Teddy handling all this, anyway?" Mia asks curiously.
"I think he's starting to realize something is very wrong," I reply. "I mean, he was upset when we left home and very understandably misses his daddy. The other night he was chatting with Christian on Skype and afterwards he spent the rest of the night curled in a little ball crying. I've tried explaining the situation to him, but honestly, Mia, I don't even fully understand, so how am I supposed to tell him?"
"Maybe seeing Christian will do him a bit of good, then."
I smile sadly. "I know it will do him a world of good to see Christian. And the rest of the family for that matter."
We're silent for a few minutes before Mia speaks again. "Listen, I didn't want to bring this up so soon, but I don't really see a more appropriate time." I raise my eyebrows questioningly. "Mom and Dad are throwing an end of summer party at their place. Family only. Mom even invited your parents..." I immediately know exactly where this is going. "Anyway, she wanted me to ask you if you'd consider flying in for a couple days for the party. I don't need an answer right now," she says quickly at the look of horror on my face. "Just take some time and think about it. Everyone misses you so much. But I understand if you can't face Christian long enough to do this. We'd love to have you there, though."
"I'll think about it," I mutter neutrally. After a few more minutes of silence, I turn to look at Mia, trying to smile. "So, how's Ethan?"