When I wake up the next morning, I get out of bed with a heavy heart. I'm both looking forward to and dreading our return to London, but I know it's for the best. Christian and I may have gotten over a few of the smaller hurdles keeping us apart, but there is still so much more to deal with. Though he says repeatedly that he's sorry and that he loves me and that he misses me, I still can't fully believe he understands. Just the fact that he admitted part of what he regretted was being caught proves it hasn't really sunken in yet. I think handing him the separation agreement—which I still haven't seen even a corner of since the night I gave it to him—might have managed to make a bit of a dent in his thick skull; I just hope realizing Teddy and I are returning to London without him might remind him of what he's lost.

Teddy isn't in his room when I go to wake him, but I can hear a faint giggle somewhere in the house which tells me he's probably sitting at the breakfast bar with Gail. With a smile, I dress and make my way downstairs, indeed finding my son where I believed he might be lingering.

"Ana!" Gail greets happily, coming out from behind the bar to give me a hug. I return it gratefully, only now realizing how much I've missed her. There have been so many times over the years when Gail was the only thing I had to keep my sanity when Christian was on a business trip or we were fighting and Gail managed to distract my mind or just be there to listen. She's become a friend over the years and it saddens me that I only have a few hours before my flight to catch up with her.

"It's good to see you, Gail," I say honestly when she releases me. At her gesture, I sit at the bar beside Teddy and she makes me a plate of scrambled eggs, bacon, and pancakes.

Over breakfast, we chat. She tells me about how Sophie is doing in school. I tell her about London. We're both skating over the real issues. I have no idea whether Gail knew about Christian's affair—I know Taylor did—but I can't imagine she would have kept something like that from me, regardless of the fact that Christian employs her. In all honesty, I can't really blame Taylor for keeping the affair from me. I would have hoped he would've given me some sort of warning, but when it comes down to it, he is Christian's man through and through. Besides, it was Christian who betrayed me, not Taylor.

After breakfast, Gail ignores my attempts to help her clean up and I finally give up in favor of packing. I help Teddy first, gathering all the things he took with him along with everything Christian or the rest of the family bought him—clothes, toys, books. I swear this kid is the most spoiled one on the planet. I only hope that when he gets older it doesn't turn him into an entitled little brat. Once we're finished in Teddy's room, I let him get in a few last minutes with the rest of the toys he's leaving behind and head into the guest room. I've managed to keep most of my clothing and other belongings rather contained, so once I've rounded it all up, I put my suitcase on the bed and open it.

My brow furrows at the sight of a folder sitting atop the rest of my things and I immediately know what it is: the separation agreement. Clearly Christian has been in here; I try not to wonder whether he's been going through my things as well. Shaking my head, I reflexively reach down to open the folder. I gasp when I find Christian's signature on every page right beside mine. He actually signed it... I have no idea when he did this or why he didn't mention it to me.

I sit down on the edge of the bed, my feelings confused. On the one hand, I'm relieved that he listened and abided to my wishes, but on the other hand, I can't help thinking this is the very beginning of goodbye. I still haven't decided whether I'm going to file the papers when I return to London—I'm leaning towards holding onto them for a while to give Christian the chance to prove himself to me.

Several minutes go by with me doing nothing other than staring at my husband's signature before I finally shake myself out of my thoughts. I place the folder back into the suitcase as though it's a bomb that might go off with the slightest mishandling then proceed to finish my packing.

Before I know it, it's time to leave for the plane. To my surprise, Taylor is waiting for us in the foyer, leaning against the wall while he and Gail talk quietly. It doesn't take much to determine the subject of conversation; the moment they realize Teddy and I have arrived, they break off their whispers and smile tightly at us. I pretend not to notice.

"I thought you would have gone with Christian," I say to Taylor as he takes Teddy's little backpack and suitcase.

"He asked me to see that you and Teddy got onto the plane safely," Taylor explains.

Of course he did...

We say our goodbyes to Gail, Taylor loads our luggage, and we're on our way. As we drive, I can feel Teddy growing more distant and sad. I want to say something to make him feel better, but I know it's no use right now. Besides, I'm sad to be leaving as well, but I also know the chances are high that we'll be seeing Christian again soon. This is the last thing I want to tell my son right now, though; nothing is set in stone as of right now and plans change. I don't want Teddy to get his hopes up that he'll be seeing his father just to find out Christian couldn't make it for any number of reasons.

We fly all day. Teddy spends most of the time cuddling in my lap rather than playing on the plane like he normally would. I do my best to comfort him and eventually I feel him relaxing a little, and by the time we touchdown in London, he's talking and smiling again. I remind him about the new apartment and his eyes light up, making me smile. I've got my boy back.

Teddy is practically quivering in excitement as we pull up to our new home and bouncing through the halls. I can't help but wonder how children maintain such levels of energy when I'm ready to collapse into my bed and sleep for the next twelve hours. Regardless, my own energy level picks up a little when Teddy looks around the new apartment. Compared to the other place, it's a castle. He's immediately taken with the view outside the balcony door, until I direct his attention to his new bedroom which contains a brand-new bed, a toy box full of stuff to keep him occupied, a desk, and a bookshelf stuffed with books. One of the few things Teddy inherited from me was his love of reading. True, he can't actually read yet, but I see it coming very soon.

When he finally starts to wind down, I announce it's bath time, then bedtime. Surprisingly, he agrees immediately which proves to me traveling has managed to exhaust him. I tuck him into bed and remind him that tomorrow is his first day of school. I'm looking forward to getting us into a more normal routine—he goes to school, I go to work, we're both keeping busy, and we're both happy.

In my room, I start to unpack my clothes, locating the folder containing the separation agreement. Sighing, I sit down and flip through the pages detailing all the different points—custody, alimony, child support. I've no doubt in my mind that if Christian and I do end up divorcing, I'll never have to worry about how I'll support our son. Christian will make absolutely certain we are taken care of. Teddy will have only the best schooling from now until he's out of college. It won't matter if I end up remarrying; Christian will never turn his back on either of us.

He did turn his back on you, though; every time he walked out the front door to go see Lucy, he was turning his back on you, your son, and your marriage.

Swiping at my eyes, I toss the folder on my dresser and commence unpacking. It's nearly midnight when I finish and I'm wide awake, probably because of the drastic time difference between here and Seattle. Whatever it is, I'm feeling restless and decide a glass of wine and late night snack are in order. I grab my laptop and head out into the kitchen, determined to catch up on a little work before it's time to return. I get my glass of wine and sit at the breakfast bar as I open my email application, and my heart flops a little, though I can't say I'm all that surprised, when I see an email from Christian.

From: Christian Grey

Subject: This weekend

To: Anastasia Grey

Ana,

First I just want to thank you for coming to Seattle, however short the visit may have been. I can't possibly describe how wonder if was seeing you. I know I'm not deserving of it, but no matter what happens, I will never not worry about you.

I've been thinking over all the things we talked about while you visited and have come to the conclusion that if you manage to leave without hating every fiber of my being, it'll be a fucking miracle. Between Elena, Lucy, and all the shit I've put you through over the years it's a wonder you're even still considering speaking to me about any possibility of our reconciliation. I know if the roles had been reversed and you had been the one to have the affair, I would have been absolutely shattered.

I owe you so many apologies that I don't even know where to begin. I've already apologized for Lucy so many times, but I will never be able to resolve this with words. As for Elena... I have no excuses for that, but you at least deserve the truth: We met several times for lunch or dinner. It began with an attempt from her to rekindle our business relationship. At first, I resisted her efforts, but as time went on, she became more insistent until I caved and agreed to meet her for a quick lunch. From there, we set up a few more lunches to discuss a new salon chain she wished to open with me as a silent partner. I tried to keep the meetings professional, only talking about the business, but as you and I were beginning to drift apart, I found myself confiding in her, however wrong it was.

I could sit here and tell you I had a moment of weakness that afternoon and Elena pounced on it, but that's a lie: I needed someone to talk to. I didn't feel I could come to you without starting another fight, which seemed to have become the norm for us, and I didn't want to listen to Flynn's clinical diagnosis bullshit anymore. Every time we met, we talked, and she was a sympathetic ear at first. I probably should have seen what she was doing from the onset, but I was too distracted with the state of my marriage to really give a shit. Elena started in on you, telling me she'd known all along you'd never be what I needed you to be and that you were dragging me down. The first couple times she tried that, I got pissed off, told her to mind her own fucking business, and left. I have no idea when things started to change, but gradually, I started listening to what she was saying. I was still convinced that you and I could fix whatever was wrong between us, but I saw you pulling farther and farther away from me and I didn't understand why. I let Elena in my head. I could probably tell you it was because of Elena that I started up with Lucy, but I know I only have myself to blame. Elena probably didn't help matters, but it certainly wasn't at her urging that I have an affair with Lucy.

Next, I need to address some of the things you mentioned about how I treated you throughout our marriage. Ana, I never intended to make you feel like you had no independence. Of course I realize that there are times when I come across as overbearing and over-protective, and there are probably better ways for me to communicate this with you. I also realize how often I contradicted myself by giving you the freedom to run Grey Publishing, then in the next breath trying to forbid you from working. I wanted you to have everything you needed or wanted, including the family we dreamed about, but at the same time, I wanted everything in my control and on my terms. I was wrong. And I'm beyond sorry.

Your self-confidence... God, Ana, I can't even begin to apologize for the things I've said and done to you over the years, or the fact that I never realized what it was doing to you. I suppose I always saw you as confident in all things, the way you were when we first met, and I couldn't imagine that ever changing. You deserve so much more than putting up with my patronization and treating you as anything less than the wife I love more than anything in the world. As I said before, it's a miracle that you're even still speaking to me at all.

Lastly, you can't imagine the horror and self-loathing I'm filled with at the thought that you believe your sole purpose in life is for my sexual gratification and that I didn't care about you outside of the bedroom. This is so far from the truth, Ana. I certainly understand why you feel that way, and again, it's my fault. I'm not going to lie: I loved our sex life and everything that went with it. I wanted you all day every day wherever I could get you. I still do. For so long I dedicated myself to your happiness, both within and out of the bedroom, and for a while, I think I was succeeding. As our relationship began to deteriorate, I lost sight of that and the only way I could show you how much I loved you was in the bedroom. It's no excuse, I know that. I just want you to understand that it was never my intention to make you feel like a submissive or that you were unworthy of love and affection. I will do whatever it takes to prove this to you.

I'm sure you discovered by now that I've signed the separation agreement you gave me. Please don't think this is by any means my way of giving up on you. I will never give up on you, Ana Grey. I just want to show you I'm determined to give you the happiness you want, despite the possibility that it may result from our parting of the ways. I want you to be able to live your life and discover yourself the way I was able to after I left Harvard. As for your revelation about having met somebody... I certainly won't be pretending that I'm happy about the thought of you with somebody else and I don't think I ever will be, but considering what I've put you through, I have no real say in what you do or how you live your life anymore. All I ask is that you're careful. I can't stomach the thought of something happening to you or Teddy when you're both so far away from me. And if anybody harms either of you, I will not hesitate in hunting them down and ripping them apart with my bare fucking hands.

It looks as though I'll be finished here in Berlin at the end of the week, so I should be able to visit the two of you in London by Friday evening or early Saturday, if you still want to see me. I'll let you know for certain when I have a more concrete idea of how things will go. In the meantime, take care of yourself and our son. You know how to reach me if you need absolutely anything and I will be at your side in a matter of hours, no matter what I'm doing.

I love you, Ana, and nothing will ever change that.

Yours,

Christian

Christian Grey

CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.

I'm left staring dumbly and open-mouthed at my computer screen. I can't remember the last time Christian wrote this much in an email, nor can I remember the last time he was this honest with me. The new information with Elena certainly stings quite a bit, especially the fact that he felt he needed to go to the Bitch Troll for a listening ear as opposed to me. I may have been pissed off with him more times than I can count, but I never wanted to stop working on our marriage. While Christian has never been the most forthcoming man on the planet about his troubles, often preferring to bottle it all up and apply his stress, anger, and frustration to his business ventures or sessions with Claude or Flynn, I really believed he'd gotten to a point where he could sit down with me and talk things out. Apparently I was wrong.

I wonder vaguely if he's still seeing Flynn and add that to my list of questions to ask him when he visits.

As for the rest of his email... I'm not entirely certain how to feel about most of it. He's touched on everything that has been bothering me for years and it seems like he understands what I was going through, but I honestly don't know whether I can trust it. Christian has a habit of making improvements both to himself and to our marriage and for the short time those improvements last, life is great. At some point, though, he reverts back to the way things were before. I can't keep putting myself through that, all the ups and downs. It was killing me slowly while I was still with him, and I know if I lower my defenses and let him back to my life only for him to do the same thing again, it will absolutely destroy me.

The longer I'm away from Christian and our marriage, the stronger and more confident I'm feeling. I know I can make a life for myself and Teddy, whether Christian believes it or not. I have to be able to spread my wings rather than being kept in Christian Grey's gilded cage.

I'm certainly relieved that he's acknowledged the idea of my possibly pursuing a romantic relationship with somebody else. I know he won't be happy if I end up with another man. It will kill him. But he has to realize just how badly he fucked up. Telling him doesn't work; Christian reacts better to seeing things as they are. If he sees me with another man, he'll finally understand he's done something to really and truly lose me. He wants to believe that I'm his and only his; that nothing can come between us. I want him to realize I'm not there just to reassure him that life is exactly how he believes it to be.

I only hope he figures it out before it's too late and he loses me for good.

As I sit in my hotel room, staring at the spreadsheets on my laptop and the numbers that are starting to run together, my thoughts are with my wife and son. I've gotten reports that they've landed safely in London and made it home without an issue. I can't say I'm overly surprised that Ana hasn't responded to my email—either she hasn't read it yet or she's too tired to formulate a proper response. Actually, I'm not really expecting one. Everything I wrote to her was long overdue, things I should have been saying to her all along. If I had, we wouldn't be in this mess.

My decision to sign the separation agreement was one of the most difficult ones I've made. I don't want to give up the chance to get her back, but I'm starting to realize her happiness is more important to me than my own. I've spent most of my life being an incredibly selfish bastard when it comes to my personal life. If I want a life with Anastasia and Teddy, I have to change my ways. If I don't, she'll find what she needs and wants with somebody else.

Just the thought of some fucker's hands on her makes my blood boil. I'm thrown back to the night she drunk-dialed me to interrogate me about why I sent her those books and how when I went to the bar where she and her friends were busy getting shitfaced, I found her in the arms of José fucking Rodriguez. I could have killed that bastard that night, especially when I saw how desperate Ana was to get away from his and his advances. I can only wonder what it would have felt like if she had willingly given in to his kiss. It would have killed me, even if at the time I'd wanted nothing more than to make her my submissive. She had an effect on me from the first moment she fell through my office door, and if I'd let her get away then, I'd have spent the rest of my life wondering about the what-ifs.

Now I wonder if it would have been better to let her go when I had the chance. How much time had I spent arguing with myself about that very thing? As much as I despised the boy for desiring what was so clearly mine, he could have given her a life where she received the treatment she so deserves. There wouldn't be the threat of former subs or Elena or punishments, or any of the other million and one things that come along with my life. She was a good person back then—fuck, she's still a good person, better than I'll ever be—and she doesn't deserve my horrendous treatment of her.

Maybe you'll get lucky and she'll try out a relationship with someone else, then realize she can't live without you.

That's certainly a tempting thought. The only problem is that she'll have to be with somebody else, in somebody else's arms, in somebody else's bed for her to come to that realization. And I'll have to sit, watching from afar and waiting for her to come back to me. What if she never does? What if she finds somebody who'll give her everything I can give her without the heartache? I'll lose her forever and spend my life alone.

I slam shut the lid of my laptop and stand, pacing the room and running my hands through my hair in frustration. How much more of this can I take?

Just as I'm coming to the decision of going to bed, there's a knock on my door. I stare at the door for several moments. It's nearly three in the morning and I haven't ordered room service since dinner. The only reason for someone to be here now that I can deduce is that it's a member of my security team to tell me something has happened to my wife or son. Panic sets in immediately and I stride to the door without another thought, wrenching it open with enough force that I could have pulled it off the hinges. Panic relaxes into confusion, then into shock at the person at my door, standing there as innocently as if I'd invited her up.

"Hello, Christian," she says quietly, smiling slyly.

The blood freezes in my veins. "Lucy," I whisper. This is not good.

The next morning starts out hectic. I only managed a few hours of sleep after reading Christian's email, and even those few hours were punctuated with dreams of Christian and me standing across from one another in a room, smiling at one another. As we start to close the distance between us, Elena and Lucy are suddenly there, blocking my way. I'm trying to fight my way past them, but Christian is just standing there, looking between the three of us uncertainly. I suppose that's a pretty fair summation of things right now: I've done all the fighting for our relationship, but there's always something that comes between my husband and myself, and he doesn't seem all that bothered to fight for us. He says he wants me back, that he misses me and loves me, but at the end of the day, I feel like he only wants our relationship because it's convenient.

So after my shower, during which I cried most of the time, I dress, rouse my son, make us some breakfast, and set off for our day. By the time I get Teddy to school, I'm running late to work. I kiss him, hug him, and tell him I'll see him after school then run off to catch the bus to Canton Publishing. I somehow manage to arrive with ten minutes to spare and I'm relieved; I've only actually been employed here a little over a week and I was already allowed to take time for a vacation, so I'm determined to prove myself to my colleagues.

I'm at my desk a grand total of five minutes when Thomas walks through the door. I look up at him, smiling in greeting. When he smiles back, I'm surprised at the flip my heart seems to do. "Good morning, Thomas," I say brightly, sitting down behind my desk.

"Good morning, Ana," he responds, resting his briefcase on my desk to chat. "How was your time in Seattle?"

I hesitate. In the short time that I've known him, I've filled him in on why Christian and I were separated, but I'm not sure if I really want to get into the gritty details right now, especially at work. I settle for the more diplomatic reply. "It was nice. I got to see my family, catch up a little..."

He nods thoughtfully, his brow furrowed. Before he speaks next, he throws a glance over his shoulder as though checking to see if anyone was eavesdropping. They aren't. "Listen, Ana, I was wondering... I know you're going through a rough time right now with your husband, but I was wondering if you might want to go out some time. Nothing fancy," he adds hastily. "Just dinner and a film, maybe."

I know I'm staring at him like a deer in headlights, but I can't help it. Immediately, I recall Christian's email this morning and I'm suddenly feeling a little more comfortable in my skin. I hear myself agreeing, and I see Thomas's answering grin of relief, then hear him telling me we'll iron out the details later on before he disappears into his office.

The door shuts quietly behind him, leaving me to stare at it. What the hell did I just agree to?