Disordered

Disclaimer- As always I don't own YJ, its characters, or anything related to DC comics. I only own OC's and original plot changes.

Italics- telepathic communication

Dawn's POV

My arms were tightly wrapped around my knees as I sat on the floor and leaned my back against the wall. I titled my body so my head was facing the corner where the two walls connected successfully shielding myself from the rest of the team.

Everyone was standing or sitting in their own little corners of the room as we waited for our mandatory evaluations with Canary. No one spoke, interacted, or looked at anyone in the room as we waited.

Megan was standing in the kitchen mindlessly stirring a bowl of batter while staring into space. Aqualad was leaning against the kitchen counter with his arms firmly folded across his broad chest while the rest of the team was in the living room. Robin was splayed out on the couch with his shades covered his somber blue eyes while Wally and Artemis were sitting in the chairs on opposite corners of the room. Conner wasn't with us since he was currently in his session with Canary.

Everyone had solemn or glum expressions on their faces as a result of yesterday's training exercise. Zaphira was sitting at my feet, but I didn't pay her much attention. She sat there quietly while I leaned my head against the wall and wallowed in my thoughts.

After the exercise Bruce ordered for everyone to have a mandatory therapy session with Canary to evaluate our mental and emotional stability. Despite our vivid protests Bruce didn't budge. Everyone had to do it, no exceptions, no excuses.

I know Bruce and Dinah are just trying to help, but something's I just want to keep to myself. I already confided in Zaphira, I didn't need to relive the experience again.

I released an exhausted sigh and closed my eyes as I waited for my turn with Canary.

Conner's POV

I stared at the ground and refused to look at Canary as I sat in the large green chair across hers. The team's therapy sessions were being held in a large room with a waterfall in the corner that I assume was there to have a calming affect of the room …but it wasn't working.

I wasn't calm and I didn't feel like sitting through this stupid therapy session to talk about my feelings.

"I can only imagine how devastating it was. Losing your friends, in essence your family, convinced all the time it was completely real" Canary started and my hands clenched together as she continued.

"I'm sure it must have been horrible for you. I understand, you're Superboy. You're not supposed to have feelings of sadness or vulnerability…"

I stood from my chair and glared at her before she could say more.

"You don't know what I feel!" I yelled before walking towards the door.

"Conner!" Canary yelled as I walked away from her.

"Just leave me alone!" I ordered as I left the room.

She doesn't understand anything about me, no one does. No one understands how I feel, what I feel, or why I feel it.

That's one of the downfalls of being me.

Dawn's POV

I looked up as Conner stormed across the room and disappeared through the garage doors.

From the look on his face it didn't seem like the session went well, but it's Conner so I didn't expect it to. Conner's a very private person, he doesn't like feeling vulnerable or showing his true emotions around people. There's only a few select group of people he truly trusts with that and Canary just isn't one of them yet. I say yet because I believe eventually she will become one of those few people.

Dinah's the closest thing Conner has to a mother figure and that strikes a chord in his heart. Given a few more weeks Conner will come to trust her just as much as he trusts Megan and I. Dinah just has to wait and be patient until he comes to her.

A few seconds after Conner left the room Canary walked in and called for Artemis to follow her. Artemis stood from her chair and followed after Canary. I once again rested my head against the wall as they disappeared through the sliding doors.

Artemis' POV

"Look me dying during the exercise might have started things going south, but I was coma girl. Missed out on all the fun of forgetting it wasn't real so no trauma. No need for the shrink-wrap" I told Canary as she glanced at me from her chair.

"You're too tough to need help," she asked raising an eyebrow.

"Whatever…maybe" I answered as I brought my boot covered feet up on the chair and folded my arms across my chest. To Canary this action seemed like I was trying block myself from her.

"Or maybe too tough to admit you need help" Canary interjected, "Artemis, it's not a sign of weakness to open up to your friends."

"I know that" I growled as my hands clenched around my arms so hard they'd probably bruise in the morning.

"But you still keep secrets from them" she countered and this finally got a reaction out of me.

I jumped forward in my chair and yelled at her defensively "and you won't tell them. You can't!"

"I won't" she proclaimed remaining calm despite my aggressive yelling "but you should. You could start by admitting you're not really GA's niece."

I bent my head and scoffed as I leaned back in my chair and returned my feet to the ground.

"Pft right. Imagine what Wally would do with that?" I responded without thinking about what I was saying.

"Interesting" Canary, said to herself "so the person you're most worried about is Wally?"

My eyes widened when I realized what she'd just said…what I'd just said. I looked up in shock, but didn't say anything.

Canary evaluated my facial expression for a few seconds before leaning back in her chair.

"You're free to go. Tell Aqualad I'd like to see him next" she said as I stood from my chair.

I nodded before walking out of the room.

"I can't believe I just said that in there in front of Canary. I don't care about Wally's opinion or what he'd think of me if he found out. Wally's of no significance to me at all whatsoever… or is he," I thought as I walked into the room and told Kaldur Canary wanted to see him.

Aqualad's POV

"I was the general, but I behaved like a soldier and sacrificed myself. I am not fit for command and must resign as team leader," I proclaimed as I stared down at the ground.

"Who do you recommend to take your place" Canary asked.

Her question caused me to pause and consider my options.

"Artemis is too raw and untrusting. Kid Flash is too rash and impulsive. Miss Martian remains too eager to please. Superboy carries too much anger. Dawn is perfect for the job, but doesn't do well with wielding authority or ordering others around in a serious situation" I said as I went through each member of the team and stated why they couldn't be leader as well.

"Making Robin the logical choice" Canary cut in causing my eyes to scrunch up and my lip to curl in displeasure.

"But he is so young" I protested and Canary leaned forward in her chair.

"Kaldur, you're all young" she responded softly.

I looked into her eyes for a few seconds before returning my focus to the ground.

"I cannot shift this burden to him, not yet" I stated firmly before releasing an exasperated sigh, "It appears I must withdraw my resignation."

Canary nodded before telling me I was dismissed. She told me to tell Wally it was his turn to come in. I gave Canary a polite curt nod before standing from my chair and exiting the room.

I walked into the living room where the rest of the team who still had to take their evaluations were waiting. I went up to Wally and told him Canary wished to speak to him. Wally stood and quickly left the room.

As he walked away I glanced at the rest of my team. Megan was still staring into space as she stirred her bowl of forgotten batter. Out of everyone on the team she's by far the most traumatized. I could tell she still blamed herself for what happened to the team, though no one else did. We all know what it's like to not have full control over your powers and abilities. Every single one of us has screwed up as a result of our powers so we don't blame M'gann for doing the same thing we did. Everyone makes mistakes.

It was unsettling to see her so glum and broody since she's always so bubbly and full of energy. She's like the mother of the group, always cheerful no matter the situation. She raises the teams spirits whenever we need it, even if she can be a little naïve sometimes.

As my brain thought about this my eyes shifted over to Dawn and my earlier frown deepened even more. If M'gann is the mother of the group Dawn is like the team's energetic but sometimes annoying little sister. She knows everything about everyone and always has a comeback or snarky remark to any comment. She's witty, sarcastic, fiery, energetic, and so full of life. Her greatest quality though is the fact that if you can earn her trust she's the most loyal person you'll ever meet. No matter how bad the situation looks or sounds she's always got your back when you need it.

Just as it's hard to see M'gann so grave and glum it's also hard to see Dawn so…empty.

She's sitting off in the corner shielding herself from the world while Zaphira lays at her feet. Her head's leaning against the wall as she stared at its gray surface. Her eyes are dull and lacked their usually cheerful and fiery luster that made her so fun to be around.

It's like I'm staring at a shell of the girl who used to be my sister and teammate. Out of everyone she was probably the second most traumatized. Though she tried to hide it when we first awoke I could tell the exercise shook her to her core.

I sighed in exasperation and worry casting her one last glance before heading off towards the pool to swim my worries away.

Wally's POV

"So you want me to believe that after everything you went through. Including your own death from fiery explosion you're peachy?" Canary said incredulously while giving me a blatant look of disbelief.

I tossed another handle full of popcorn in my mouth as I stared back at her.

My feet were hanging over the back of the chair as I sat upside down with a large bowl of popcorn clutched in my hands. As the session continued I tossed handfuls of popcorn into my mouth as a way of keeping both my stomach satisfied and my hands busy.

"I'm uh fairly certain I never used the word peachy, but I think you got the gist," I answered in my usual sarcastic and witty Wally nature.

"So you really have no interest in confronting your extreme reaction to Artemis' death?" Canary asked catching me off guard.

I choked on the pieces of popcorn in my mouth and lifted from the chair so I was sitting properly. I swallowed the chunks of popcorn before gasping to catch my breath.

"I'd rather talk about you babe," I said quickly diverting the subject.

"Wally you're in denial" Dinah declared with her hands interlocked under her chin.

"I'm comfortable with that," I stated as I continued to eat my popcorn and glanced at the clock wondering when this was going to end.

Canary sighed before waving her hand as a way of telling me I could go.

"Tell Robin to come in next" she said as I walked towards the door.

I turned and gave her a two-fingered salute "will do" I agreed as the doors closed behind me.

I sighed in relief as the doors closed shut.

I knew she was going to ask that question at some point, but it still wasn't prepared for it. I've replayed that moment in my head multiple times and I still don't know why Artemis' death angered me so much. I don't think I've ever felt so much anger, frustration, and…hate towards a living thing, like I did towards those aliens.

At first I blame it on Megan's mind control. I told myself that being in the simulation made my reaction worse and more extreme than what it would be in the real world, but that excuse quickly fell apart since Megan only changed the scenario of the exercise not our feelings or emotions. After that excuse fell apart I tried to backtrack and say I would've reacted this way if any of my teammates died, but that wasn't entirely true either.

Now granite I would probably have a more extreme reaction for certain members of the team like Robin and Dawn since I've known them the longest, but even then I don't think my reaction would have been as brutal and blunt as it was for Artemis.

All in all I don't actually know why I reacted so brash to Artemis' death. I don't hate the girl, but she's definitely not my favorite person in the world. Half the time we can't even be in the same room or tolerate each other's presence let alone speak to one another. And on the times we do talk it either ends up being a huge fight or a competition of who can come up with the best comebacks.

So then why did her death affect me like it did. I couldn't possible like Artemis…could I? No that would be absurd.

I shook the thought out of my mind as I walked over to the couch Robin was sitting on and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"You're up bro," I whispered in his ear causing him to stand from the couch and walk towards the room.

I glanced at the two remaining girls in the room debating on whether I should talk to them, but ultimately decided against it. I ran out of the room and headed towards the indoor track to run some laps and sort out my thoughts.

Robin's POV

I walked into the room and sat in the chair across from Canary. She crossed her legs and placed her arms on the armrests before beginning.

"I can only imagine how much this exercise must have hurt you" she started before I released a small half-hearted scoff.

"Hurting? Try traumatized. I finally became leader and wind up sending all of my friends to their deaths."

I looked down at the ground and fought back the tears that threatened to spill not wanting to cry in front of Canary.

"I-I know I did what I had to, but I hated it. When we started this team I was desperate to be in charge, not anymore. A-And that's not even the worst of it." I paused before looking Canary in the eyes.

"You can't tell Batman," I told her firmly.

"Nothing leaves this room" she assured before I nodded.

"I always wanted, expected t-to grow up a-a-and become him. A-And the hero bit, I'm still all in. But the thing inside him, the thing t-that drives him to sacrifice everything for the sake of his mission, that's not me. I-I don't want to be the Batman anymore" I admitted before feeling Canary's hand on mine.

"And that's ok. You don't have to be your mentor Rob, you're not suppose to be. You're your own person and no one expects you to be anything else" she told me softly.

I continued to stare at the ground for a while before looking up as she continued.

"But I sense that isn't all that's bothering you" Canary guessed and as much as I didn't want to admit it she was right.

Ever since I woke up this morning I've debated on whether I should tell her or not, but now I'm deciding to tell her.

"Last night I couldn't go to sleep so stayed up and replayed the entire scenario over and over and over in my head. I went through every decision, every screw up, every battle plan, every moment I could've changed and as my brain processed all this information my mind kept coming back to one decision I wish I'd done differently. The decision to willingly send Dawn to her death" I whispered as Canary leaned back in her chair.

"So the real problem isn't about being a leader or even about Bruce…it's about Dawn" she realized and I sighed as I leaned back in my chair.

"Do you know what that feels like? Knowingly sending your best friend since childhood to her death… how do you move past something like that. And not only that, but she didn't even get a quick and easy death, no it was a prolonged excruciatingly painful death. She literally strained her body enough until she exploded because I thought she'd make a suitable distraction" I choked on the last words as my hands clenched together and gripped the fabric of my jeans to the point I thought it was going to snap.

Canary remained silent for a few seconds as she thought of a suitable response since she knew her next words were crucial to the broken boy before her.

"Robin, Dawn will forgive you. I've known you two for years and if there's one thing I know it's that no matter what happens you two are practically inseparable. Nothing…and I do mean nothing, can come between you two."

She stood from her chair and walked over to my chair. She crouched down until we were at eye level and placed a hand on my shoulder.

"You are best friends, the closest people I've ever met and that's saying something. This little exercise, no matter how bad it seems right now, won't matter in the long run. Dawn will easily forgive you, in fact she probably already has. The question is can you forgive yourself."

Canary let that message sink in before rising to her feet.

"You're free to go, tell Megan I'd like to see her next" Canary said as she returned to her seat.

I silently stood from my chair and walked out of the room.

Canary's last sentence really struck home with me. Dawn is one of the most important people in my life…actually no scratch that, she's the most important person in my life, and the thought of hurting her in any way, shape, or form is eating me alive. Even though I know it wasn't real the fact that I would do it at all even in a simulation unnerved me.

I walked into the kitchen and told Megan she was up. Megan flew off towards Canary's room and I glanced over at the only other person waiting in the corner.

Dawn was no longer leaning her head against the wall and shielding her body from the room. Now her body was resting against Zaphira side. Her head was close to Zaphira's and her arms were wrapped around Zaphira's large body. Her hands moved so her fingers were coursing their way through Zaphira's soft fur untangling some of the knots that had formed.

My heartstrings tugged sharply and I felt something deep within me stir as I stared at the girl.

Recently I'd get this feeling whenever Dawn's in the same room as me. This never used to happen before and it puzzled me slightly. Deep down I knew why this was happening and what it meant, but I just didn't want to admit to myself. I walked out of the room and headed towards my own as I told myself I'd talk to her after her session with Canary.

M'gann's POV

"It was all my fault. Hello Megan" I said softly as I lifted my hand and lightly thumped it against my forehead.

"Who else could take a simple exercise and turn it into a nightmare that terrorizes everyone she cares about" I said as I looked down at the hands in my lap.

Unbeknownst to me my mind unconsciously changed my skin tone to my human form as I spoke.

Canary's eyes widened for a second before acknowledging the change "You've turned white" she said.

My eyes widened in horror and fear as I stood from the chair.

"NO!" I yelled as I lifted my hands expecting to see my true form, but was surprised to see my regular Megan hands.

"Oh you meant Caucasian" I sighed in relief as I sat "Yeah I'm fine with being Megan, but I can't be trusted to use my other powers."

"M'gann you're a martian. Not using your abilities is like me refusing to speak, which, by the way, I tried for a while after my very first canary cry nearly deafened my entire first grade class. So I get how you feel, but not being yourself is never the answer and won't make your feelings of guilt go away. Learn from what happened, your uncle would be happy to train you. Practice until you gain control and regain your confidence" Canary said before I nodded in understanding.

I left the room after she told me I was dismissed. I walked into the living room and told the only person left in it that they could go see Canary. As they walked off towards the room I flew into the kitchen and started to bake to relieve my mind of the guilt and shame consuming it.

Dawn's POV

After what felt like hours of waiting it was finally my turn to see Canary. I gave Zaphira one last pat on the head before standing from the floor. She followed me as I walked over to the door and waited for me outside while I talked with Canary.

I sat in the chair opposite of Canary and tucked my legs under my body as I crossed my arm over my chest.

For a few minutes Canary and I stared at each other in silence before I finally broke it.

"You know I don't really need this right? I already had a talk with Zaphira so I'm fine. I'm not going to break down or become mentally or emotionally unstable because of a small exercise gone wrong. Things go wrong all the time, I've learned to just accept them and move on."

"So you don't want to talk about how it felt to see your family and friends die before your very eyes or what it was like to experience your own death by personal explosion" Canary asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Nope" I said popping P as I leaned back in my chair and stared at the wall.

"I think you need to talk about it Dawn. Keeping your emotions bottled up won't help you" she stated before I cut her off and yelled at her.

"YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT!" I yelled before clenching my fists and bring my volume down. Canary remained calm and didn't even flinch at my sudden angry episode.

"I know first hand that it's not good for me to keep my emotions bottled up Dinah so no need for the speech's," I said softer this time.

I sighed before coursing a hand through my hair.

"Fine you want to know how I'm feeling here it is… I feel terrible. I watched and could do nothing as you, Bruce, and the entire league were killed off one by one. Then to make matters worse I watched as my teammates… my family died one by one. Watching Artemis die was a hard blow, but after Aqualad and Zaphira died I broke. The feeling I felt when Zaphira's connection disconnected…" I paused as I wiped the tears from my eyes.

"… you can't even begin to imagine how that felt, no one can. It felt like my soul was being ripped apart by a chainsaw before being tossed through a meat grinder all the span of a couple of seconds. Then on top of all that I had to experience the pain of my own death by internally exploding" I ranted before crossing my legs and folding my arms again.

"I won't lie and tell you I understand what you're going through, but what I do know is that this is not your fault. You can't blame yourself for everything that happened in that simulation" Dinah emphasized, but I just glared at the floor.

"Can I go now?" I asked as I stood from my chair. Canary sighed before standing as well.

"Yes you can go, but Dawn if you're not going to be completely honest with me be honest with someone. I don't care who just talk to someone," she said before I walked out of the room.

I ran out of the room and flew towards my cave bedroom. Once inside I quickly changed into a sports bra and a pair of baggy basketball shorts before storming over to the gym. I had a lot of pent-up anger and frustration running through my veins that needed to be released and going to the gym was the perfect way to do that.

Zaphira followed me to my room after my session with Canary, but decided to let me go to the gym by myself. She knew I needed some alone time to think through my thoughts without the pressure or presence of another person.

I used my powers to lift a boxing bag into the air and hooked it up in the middle of the gym. Once it was hooked up and secure I wrapped my hands before getting into place and punching the bag,

I punched the bag multiple times each punch harder than the last as I let my mind run free and disconnected from the present world. My mind went blank and for a second I forgot about the exercise and the deaths and the trauma as I completely immersed myself in focusing on the boxing bag.

With each punch I released a bit of tension from my body, but after a while the numbness I tried to keep over my mind shattered and my head once again filled with the memories I desperately wanted to forget. Now with every punch I thought of the excersise and the punching bag changed from a regular punching bag in my mind to the aliens from the exercise.

My punches got faster and harder as my vision went red. I growled and my hands became a blur as I released all my emotions into my punches. Every punch transformed into an attack on my anger, frustration, and disappointment in myself. This helped ease the pain a little, but didn't get rid of it completely.

After a while my hand unconsciously lit on fire as I punched the bag causing the it to erupt in a pillar of flames. Thankfully the room didn't go up in flames since Bruce made sure the gym was fireproof before the team moved in all those weeks ago. Since the flames didn't affect me or the room I continued to punch the bag as it burned.

I was so consumed by my emotions and focused on the punching bag that I failed to notice the familiar presence watching me from the gym's entrance. I also failed to notice the tears running down my face as I continued to punch the bag. On my last punch I accidentally put some wind power behind it causing the bag to fly into the opposite wall and explode into a pile of sand and charred fabric.

I growled as my hands clenched and unclenched while streams of fire shot out of them.

"What did the boxing bag ever do to you?" a familiar voice asked as I turned around to see Robin standing in the doorway.

"Oh hey Rob" I greeted as I wiped the tears from my eyes trying to hide the fact that I was crying even though I knew it was pointless, Rob never misses details like that.

Robin walked up to me and lifted his hand to my checks before gently swiped his thumb across my cheek to wipe away the remaining tears.

"You wanna talk about it?" he asked softly as he looked down at my hands, which were slightly bloody from my furious attack on the boxing bag despite the fact that I wrapped them beforehand.

"Not really" I answered as he looked into my eyes.

I just noticed that Rob's grown a little in the past few weeks so we were now on eye level with one another. I never really noticed this before but because of how close we currently were the distinction was made very clear.

"That wasn't really a question Dawn" he clarified causing me to crack a small smile.

"I'm fine Rob" I tried to assure him, but he just raised a skeptical eyebrow.

"Oh really?" he said incredulously before pointing at the old boxing bag "because that poor old boxing bag, your bloody knuckles, and tear-stained face say otherwise."

I sighed knowing he wasn't going to let it go until I started talking.

"I just… I don't know. You'll probably think I'm being ridiculous and overreacting but the exercise made me feel like I was reliving my parent's death. Even with all my training and powers I still couldn't prevent the people I love from getting hurt. The reason I became a hero in the first place was to help people and prevent what happened to my family from happening to someone else's, but now I feel like I've failed" I admitted finally opening u and saying what's been on my mind ever since we woke up from the simulation.

Robin moved his hands so they were cupping my chin forcing me to look at him and not at the ground like I wanted to. "First of all I'd never think your feelings or emotions are ridiculous. And second you didn't fail your main motivation for becoming a hero. You're still an amazing hero and an amazing person, and don't you ever forget that."

"I know it's just hard to move past the fact that I watched all my friends die and couldn't do anything about it," I whispered.

"Well at least you didn't send your friends to their deaths" Robin muttered under his breath so low I almost didn't hear him.

"You're not blaming yourself for that are you?" I asked and Robin's eyes widened when he realized I'd heard him.

"Maybe" he muttered to himself before I placed my hands on my hips causing his hands to fall from my face.

"Rob" I said sternly waiting for him to tell me the truth.

Robin sighed before finally answering "Dawn I sent you on that rooftop knowing you were probably going to die."

I lifted my hand and brought it under Robin's chin forcing him to look at me.

"Now you listen to me Rob, and listen good. You and I both know you can't make me do anything I don't want to. If I truly didn't believe it was a good idea or didn't want to go I wouldn't have gone on that mother ship. You aren't responsible for what happened up there so I don't ever want to hear you blame yourself for it" I told him firmly.

"But…"

"No buts" I cut in swiftly "and that's the end of this discussion."

"So you don't hate me for the decisions I made" Robin asked and I scoffed.

"Hate you? Rob I don't even think that's possible" I said and we both laughed.

Robin pulled me into a hug and I gratefully accepted it. Being in Robin's arm just felt so…right, like I was meant to be here. I took in his scent and smiled into his shoulder as his arms tightened around my waist.

After a minute or two we released each other and Robin wiped away the last remnants of tears from my checks.

"I can't stand it when you cry, it breaks my heart every time so stop or tell me what I have to do to make you stop" Robin said as I stopped the tears from falling down my face.

"There you go, that's much better. Now you look like the Dawn I know," he said softly as he wiped away the last tear that slipped from my eyes before removing his hand from my cheek.

Robin looked into my eyes before lifting up and kissing me on the cheek.

"If you need anything and I do mean anything don't hesitate to call. I'm here for you…no matter what" he said and I nodded before telling him the same.

He smiled before walking out of the room and turning down the hall.

I lifted a hand to my cheek and felt the heat as it was over run by an intense blush. My stomach did flip-flops and my cheek tingled from where his soft warm lips met my skin.

My sudden joy was dashed however when I realized we couldn't be together. Robin was my best friend and the most important person in my life. I couldn't risk that for a relationship…I wouldn't. I couldn't risk something happening while we were together that might cause a wedge between us because our friendship mattered too much to me.

My heart burned and broke as I realized this inescapable fact.

No matter how much I wanted it, craved it even, Robin and I could never be together.

Oh nooooooooo! This chapter was so sad to write, but I loved every second of it. I liked getting into the characters emotionally and really digging deep into what they were feeling during this episode. I tried my best and I hope I did the characters justice.

Now did you like, did you not? Please R&R and tell me what you thought.