THE WAR INSIDE MY HEAD

5.

Sherlock sat down a few feet away from her. He didn't think it was okay if he touched her in anyway, despite the fact that she was no longer in danger. Or so it seemed. Sherlock was the danger to her right now. He could tell by just listening to the way she breathed in quick gasps, sobs emitting from her lips as she tried to gather herself enough. He didn't think talking was a good thing either at the moment. He usually prided himself on doing just that to explain something. Anything he could say right now would not come with a calm reaction. He had just shown a side of him that Molly had never seen before. He had done his best not to let her see him in that way. Not because she needed to be protected but it had become so clear that possibly she did need that. From him of all people.

"Sherlock...?" Molly breathed his name out.

Sherlock's heart ached at how lost and terrified her voice sounded to him, as if she was praying for the Sherlock she knew and loved to come back. Sherlock took a deep breath to calm his rage down and hummed, his eyes watching her lids begin to open. Her glassy eyes were searching for a familiarity in the man she thought she knew so well.

As her eyes caught his, she reminded her, 'this is the man you love. Good or evil, that is your Sherlock Holmes.'

Molly had drawn her legs up to her chest and was just staring at him. There was something familiar in his eyes. It almost reminded her of the night that he told her, "You do count and I've always trusted you." He seemed nearly as unsure of what he was supposed to do if she couldn't forgive him. That's what she wanted, she supposed. She wasn't sure how to go about letting him know that she knew where his true intentions lie.

"It's okay." She told him quietly as she held his gaze. He was still her Sherlock. He was just rough around the edges. She always knew he was. This time with him gone away doing what he needed to do, it had become his dominant action. Now, she was dealing what was left of that. He was haunted. She wasn't sure if it was because of how she drew away from him or was there something else on his mind. She repeated herself again, this time with a little smile on her face. "It's okay."

He felt himself breaking apart at her smile. Sherlock's gaze dropped as if he was ashamed of himself. "I've become a monster. You saw the monster in me," he said, his voice filled with guilt.

Molly's heart shattered at the hurt he was feeling as she panicked to find a way to make things right again. "Sherlock, stop. You are not. I didn't see anything! I shut my eyes, remember? It's okay! It's okay..." Molly rambled out, her painful expression helplessly trying to piece him back to whole.

Sherlock couldn't look at her. He never wanted any of this to happen. There were a set of rules and guidelines that he had set for himself when dealing with Molly and he had broken nearly every single one of them.

This pain that he was feeling wasn't anything that he had felt before. Not even when he was using the drugs to forget the shambles that he had caused and the idea that he wasn't good enough to be accepted by his own family. Sitting here next to a woman who he continued to hurt mercilessly. It was worse.

"I never wanted this for you. I keep hurting you, Molly."

He spoke and it sounded so far away. It was the anguish speaking. He stood up without another word. He needed to get away from her for the moment.

Sherlock stopped at the door abruptly, his head hung low enough for Molly to see the sadness overcoming him.

"I'm always the bad guy when it comes to you," he said, his back still facing her, "All I do is hurt you Molly. It's time I stop doing so."

He was about to continue his stride forward when he felt a pair of hands wrapped tightly around his waist. He stiffened at the embrace for a second before placing his hands on hers as she sobbed pitifully onto his back.

"You're not the bad guy."

Molly's arms tightened around him. She couldn't let him do this again. He was beating himself up over something that he couldn't control. Or the idea that he couldn't stop it from happening again. She didn't care much about that anymore. She just didn't want him to leave. Not like this.

"You can't just walk away. You have no idea what it's like to watch someone you love and care about decide that they can't handle their hurt. I've watched you for so long and I won't let you fall again. Sherlock." She breathed his name into his shoulder. "You can shout it at the top of your lungs how much of a horrible person you think you are. I don't believe it. I know you. Just please, don't."

Sherlock shook his head in disbelief; behind him was a woman who was willing to sacrifice her safety and her happiness to be with someone like him. Him, of all the men in the world. He felt his eyes beginning to water like how he did on the rooftop of Bart's a few months ago. His head was spinning from the overwhelming emotions playing through his head. He turned himself around, his eyes glistening with the most gentle and loving look.

Molly smiled at that gaze- the Sherlock she knew was back.

Molly didn't say anything, unlatched herself from around him and took a step back. The smile still present on her face. She didn't know how she continued to manage to pull him back but she was happy to see him looking like he should be. She fiddled with her hands, unsure as to what she was supposed to do next. The sound of her name being called from outside the room somewhere had them both stilling.

"MOLLY!"