Chapter 5:
"Hiya." Michelle greets me as I enter the Rovers, dumping my bag on the side of the bar. "Ohh, red wine is it?"
"Yeah." I begin and then re-think the idea. I had been trying to steer clear of the booze to see whether it had any impact on my fertility, but so far it was doing a fat lot of nothing. "Actually scrap that, Chelle, make it a sparkling water."
"Sparkling water?" She repeats, grabbing a bottle from the fridge and presenting it in front of me with a glass. She stares at me, confused for a few seconds before false realisation sets in. "Oh my God... You're not-"
"No I'm not." I snap, more aggressively than I intended and she looks a bit let down by this. "...Unfortunately."
"Ey?" She frowns. "What do you mean..."
"Any chance we can go through to the back?" I ask her and she nods, hesitantly before inviting me through.
"So come on then, what's all this about?" She closes the door to the back room behind us, as I take a seat at the table.
"This is between you and me." I tell her. "And Nick, obviously."
"Yeah?" She persists, sitting down opposite me, a worried look on her face.
"We've been trying for a baby." I explain and a display of shock and excitement clouds her expression.
"Oh my..." She gasps, a hand flying over her mouth. "I didn't think you wanted children?"
"Well I didn't, did I?" I sigh. "Until well... Times have changed Chelle and now I want it more than anything."
"...How long?" She inquires, aware that there was a catch to the situation.
"Almost three months." I admit and she nods understandingly. "Still nothing. Test after test... Why is it so hard?"
"Well I mean... I would answer that but I was fifteen. It was an accident." She reminds me.
"Yeah as was my last pregnancy!" I exclaim. "This just makes no sense... Well it does..."
"What do you mean?" She props herself up on her elbows, studying me intently.
"Well I'm not getting any younger am I?" I gulp. "Maybe I'm too old now or I don't know... I missed my chance, I shouldn't have spent so long messing around."
"Life isn't something you can plan out in advance." Michelle gives a slight laugh. "You didn't decide to fall in love with Nick. You just did, at the time you did and it couldn't have happened any sooner or later."
"But maybe that's it!" I raise my voice slightly. "It's nature's way of telling me; as it has done all my life, that maybe... I can't... My childhood, my own mother. The miscarriage. All the failed relationships. The factory. It's all adding up to mean one thing."
"Ok stop it." Michelle interrupts me. "I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that you would be an excellent mother. You will be."
"I'm not disputing that... For once, I'm actually not." I sigh, putting my head in my hands. "I'm saying that perhaps getting to that point might not be possible... It's been three months... Which is partly why I came here today..."
"Go on." She prompts.
"This is big..." I warn her. "And you would need time to think obviously... I'm not pressurising you into doing anything and I would never think any less of you, whatever happens-"
"Carla." She stops me from panicking and I meet her gaze finally.
"I was wondering..." I swallow, my legs shaking beneath the table. "Whether... If there was a need to, whether you would consider being our surrogate."
The room falls silent, there's a short space of time in which I debate whether Michelle was in shock, or whether the world had just frozen around me. What a stupid thing to ask. Could I sink any lower?
"...Wha..." Michelle murmurs, trying to pull herself out of her trance. "Uh... Wow.. Wow."
"It's stupid, forget I said anything." I stand up quickly, ashamed of myself and humiliated as I head for the door. "Sorry, uh, I can't believe I said that, it's stupid-"
"Carla stop." She grabs my arm but I try to pull away. "It's not... It's not, stupid, at all."
"I don't know why..." I mutter. "I just..."
"Sit down, please." She begs me and I look at her awkwardly for a few seconds before giving in. I sit down, my fingers dancing around the base of my glass. We sit in silence again, before my cravings overtake me.
"Screw this, I need a glass of wine." I snap, getting up again.
"Carla!" She yells and I fold my arms like a child after sitting down obediently. "It's a huge thing that you've asked of me."
"Yeah I know that!" I exclaim.
"You're my best friend..." She trails off. "You're like a sister to me, you know? If I was going to do something like this for anyone, it would be you. I would do anything to see you happy."
"It's not just happiness, Chelle." I whisper, looking her dead in the eyes. "It's everything to me... I mean it."
"I know." She takes my hand in hers. "But it's a massive thing Carla, you're asking me to give up my body. It'll put a strain on my marriage. To go through excruciating pain for-"
"Ok don't sugar coat it." I wince. "There's still a chance I might... Look I'm not saying, this is happening now. I'm asking you, in case it was an option in the future. No decisions have to be made now... Ok? Look I need to go... I'm going to this clinic with Nick this afternoon."
"Clinic?" She frowns.
"To see what's going on... Sort of... Thing." I shrug. "We had some tests done a week ago to see if something is wrong... Or whether... I don't know, I don't know what it is really but it's gonna help us, right?"
"Course it will." She squeezes my hand and I gaze at her for a few seconds before getting up.
"Thank you." I say, squeezing her shoulder before leaving.
"Carla will you sit down?" Nick sighs, looking up from the newspaper he was reading as I paced the waiting room anxiously.
"I'd rather keep busy." I wring my hands nervously before hesitantly sitting down next to him. We sit in silence for a few seconds before I dare to say what has been on my mind. "If it's me... Which it most likely will be... I won't blame you if you want to go off with someone-"
"Stop." He says, softly. I know he would have snapped had we been in a different situation, but we were both scared and emotions were running high. "I'm not going anywhere, no matter what happens."
"...I hate places like this." I mutter, diverting the subject as I cast my eyes around the room. "White walls, white floors, white... Ceilings. Reminds me of the last clinic I went to."
"That was a week ago." He points out, putting his arm around me.
"No... The first time." I mumble. "When I thought of... When I went with Chelle to the... How times change. Now I'm here for the opposing reason."
"Nick and Carla Tilsley?" A man appears, his hands clasped in front of him and my heart stops beating. Shit. I was so scared. I don't think I had ever felt this nervous in my life; not even when Tony was pointing a gun at me, or Peter confessed his feelings. This was a completely new experience and Nick has to grab my hand in order to guide me towards the room.
It was white, again. Machines decorated the place, a solid oak desk lay before us when I seated myself uncomfortably, watching as the doctor folded his arms and looked at us intently.
"We've had your results back." He informs us, as if we didn't already know the reason we were here. "The reason you are having difficulty conceiving, is due to a case of endometriosis."
"...Ok, I get that you have a degree and all that." I lash out, already knowing this wasn't good news. "But you're gonna have to spell that out to me, because as hard as it is for you to believe, I'm not all that clever."
"Endometriosis is a uterine infection." He explains and I pick up on the word which makes my heart sink. It was me. It was my fault. I'd known it from the start. "It's a disease in which the uterine tissue grows outside the womb, or is often faulty."
I force back tears, I didn't want to cry, not now, not here. But my chest ached, as if my heart had literally just been shattered by the words he had said.
"...So, what..." I say weakly, struggling to formulate a response. "Uh... Do I need an operation or..."
"It's a mild to moderate case." He continues. "But it can't be treated by operation, no."
"But I... I was pregnant." I swallow, my throat aching from the restraint in my emotions. "I have been before."
"Yes, we had that written in our files." He checks them over briefly. "It's quite often that, if pregnancy is to occur, it won't be carried to full term."
"So you're saying, the reason she miscarried last time, was because of this... Disease thing." Nick finally manages to speak, taking my hand as he does so and squeezing it gently.
"Not necessarily." He shakes his head. "It could have been due to stress, age or anything for that matter, we can never know for certain why a woman miscarries. But like I say, it's a moderate case at worst-"
"Yeah you keep saying that." I snap, raising my voice angrily. "Except I don't know what that means."
"What I'm saying is that you still have a chance of conceiving naturally." He tells us, and that relieves some of the pain, but I knew there was still a catch. "But it's unlikely to occur... And, without causing any offence, Carla; you're not in your most fertile years any longer, which can have added effect on your chances."
"What are the options?" Nick jumps to the point and I close my eyes, imagining I wasn't here.
"The most common method of impregnation in women who suffer from endometriosis is in vitro fertilisation, more often referred to as 'IVF'." He explains. "But other routes taken are surrogacy and then of course, adoption."
"...IVF, that's like, test tube babies right?" I recall.
"In some references, yes." He nods, making a note on his piece of paper. "If you chose to proceed down that route, we could take Nick's sperm, your egg Carla and conceive outside the womb, before implanting it back inside of you."
"And that would raise the chances?" Nick asks.
"It's often very successful." He agrees. "Especially the first time round, but obviously we couldn't guarantee anything and it costs a fair bit to undergo the surgery."
"Money isn't important." Nick inputs and I look at him. Money wasn't important. He would do anything to have a child, with me, of all people. Yet I was the one denying him the chances.
"So what do we do now?" I bite my lip.
"Go home, think about your options." He advises us. "There's lots of information on the internet you can research. Then come back in a week or two once you have made a decision. I'll give you a contact number." He scribbles down the his mobile number. "In case you want to contact me with any questions and may I stress; don't give up with trying to conceive naturally, like I said, there's still a chance you could get pregnant through that method."
"Thank you." Nick smiles at him and I give a nod, unable to produce any words. My head was filled with words and emotions, crammed full of new advice and information that right now I had no place to store anywhere. I am prompted by Nick, taking my hand and guiding me towards the door. "We'll be in touch."
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