Chapter 6:

I'm weak by the time we finally reach the flat. Our journey home had been silent, with just the sat nav woman for company. Nick heads straight over to the kitchen, placing the keys down on the side before putting the kettle on. He wouldn't break, not when he knew I was about to. I wanted to be strong for him; this was my fault, it was all down to me. He could marry any normal woman and have as many normal children as he wanted and live a perfectly normal life.

But he hadn't.

He had chosen me.

And I was far from normal.

I don't move from where I am propped up against the door, despite the fact my legs were so fragile beneath me. I watched him; every single move he made. The simple tap of the work surface, the intricate wring of his hands as he washed them at the sink, the slightest cough, every footstep, every breath taken. It was all so perfect. And yet he was so far from it. But in my eyes he was; in my eyes he was all I had ever wanted, without me even knowing it. He was so beyond what I anticipated, but so close to what I needed. He made me feel like no other man ever could. He gave me the world, his world, he was devoted to me. He wanted to show me what it meant to be loved and he didn't have to try. He wanted to show me how it felt to love someone, really love someone, without having to try. Without having to to pray, or dream, or pretend. He was safety. He was warmth. He was shelter. He was dependence. He was my everything.

"I'm sorry." The words escape my mouth before I can stop them. At first I wonder whether he actually heard me, my voice was so weak, so quiet. But he eventually turns to look at me, taking in where I was slumped against the door, my make-up smudged, tears sliding silently down my cheeks. He just shakes his head at me, gulping back his own tears that he wanted to cry to badly. He comes over to me slowly, and pulls me away from where I am frozen against the door, wrapping his arms around my shivering frame.

"Can I have a glass of wine?" I ask, quietly and Nick gives me a look.

"That's up to you." He says, running his fingers up and down my arm soothingly. We were squashed up on the sofa, with the TV turned down low.

"It's alright..." I trail off. "Don't think my... Diseased womb would like it anyway."

"Carla." He sighs. "Stop with the self blame, please."

"But I am to blame." I point out, fiddling with the tassels on the cushions. "Don't kid yourself Nick, you'd be far better off without me... With some woman who can give you a chance to be a dad."

"But you can!" He exclaims. "You're missing the point Carla. We can still have children. He said we need to weigh up our options."

"Sometimes might not carry to full term." I repeat the words of the doctor.

"Sometimes." He reminds me. "Plus he said that IVF raises the chances of success in pregnancy."

"Yeah I know but... If you wanted to go back to Leanne-" I stop, a thought crossing my mind. "Hold on... Leanne can't have children. You left her."

"Yes because we weren't working, Carla." He tells me. "I married her the second time round, knowing that she couldn't have-"

"And Erica..." I interrupt, my own thoughts taking over. "You were only with her for the sake of the baby... Then you left when she miscarried-"

"Because I loved you!" He stops me and I look at him. "I left Erica, because I didn't love her, Carla. It had nothing to do with the fact that she just lost our baby. It was because I couldn't get you out of my head. I wanted a future with you; children or no children. You were all I wanted."

"Nick, you're in your thirties..." I whisper, as if I hadn't just listened to the words he had said. "You could go off and marry some younger woman, who was fully fertile, and have little... Benjamin and Katie Tilsley... Maybe even Nick Jr. I wouldn't put it past you, you deserve happiness Nick. Not... Some damaged... Broken woman like me... Who has to pay to have things mixed about and then put back inside... Only to reappear nine months later... If I got that far."

I stop talking when I hear the sound of Nick crying next to me and it makes my heart sink. Why did I have to bang on about myself forever? Wallowing in self pity all the time.

"No..." I whisper, sitting up from where I was leant against him and gently wiping the tears from his cheeks. "Please don't... Nick, I'm sorry..."

"Stop saying that word." He murmurs, pulling himself together slightly before placing a lingering kiss on my forehead and smoothing down my hair. He held me tightly for a few seconds, as if he never wanted to let me go. "I just wish you would understand..." He moves his position so that he was looking into my eyes, forehead leant against mine, stroking my cheek with his thumb softly. "You can't bring yourself to believe me, when I say that I love you. No one else. You're my wife. No matter what happens, I will always love you and you can push as much as you like, but I'm not going anywhere, I thought you would know that by now."

"I do." I close my eyes briefly, allowing another tear to stain my cheek. "It's just the shock, and the hurt, almost. It hurts Nick. It hurts that I can't be like other women, I never can be and I never will be. I'm trying, but there's always something that gets in the way."

"But I don't want you to be like other women." He sighs. "I want you to be you, because that's the woman I fell in love with, with any flaws you have, I don't care, I embrace them all. They are part of who you are."

"...I want a baby." I say weakly, before he wraps me back in a hug.

"And you'll have one." He stifles a laugh. "We will have one, whatever I have to do to make that happen. I promise you, we will have a child."

Thank you all for reading so far and thank you for the lovely reviews!x