Today was my first session with Dr. Whitmore. My therapist. Nausea, anxiety and dizziness swirled around inside me, the result of being completely and utterly nervous. I was afraid. The fear of being judged, or passed off as neurotic and nothing else ate away at me. Help is what I wanted, not a lecture. Someone to listen, be there for me in a way nobody else could. Someone that I could say anything I wanted to without consequence. A sense of freedom. I was sitting in Morty, as Eli was driving me to my appointment. With his free hand he was holding my own trembling one. As he stopped at a red light, he stole a glance at me. "Clare," he said gently. I looked at him. "It's going to be alright. This is a step in the right direction, okay? I'm here for you." A lopsided smile pulled at h lips, and I gave him a small one in return. Turning to face the window, I watched the rain that poured heavily from the sky, fall to the ground freely. I wish that I couild be like that, able to move freely, be without a care in the world. All I could hope for was that therapy could give that to me. So that I wouldn't have to hide in the stygian shadows of my insecurities. Finally, Eli pulled into a parking lot of a small, modest building. Greenview Mental Health Center. Eli got out of the car and walked around to my door to open it for me. I stepped out of the car, and he took my hand, guiding me to the building. Behind the glass doors, was a small waiting room with warm red walls, and brown sofas placed strategically around the room. We walked up to the Sign-In desk and were greeted kindly by a middle-aged woman with soft brown eyes and graying brown hair. "Write your name, the time of your appointment and who your appointment is with here, Sweetie." She pushed a clipboard with a sheet of paper on it. I hastily scribbled down my information on it, and thanked her before taking a seat with Eli. The woman then picked up the phone besides her, and dialed a number informing Dr. Whitmore I had arrived. I looked at the pearl-white clock hanging up on the wall and read the time. 2:54. 6 minutes until my road to recovery began. I felt Eli rubbing his thumb comfortingly over my hand, and I laid my head on his shoulder. "Eli?" I asked softly. "Yes Clare?" He responded. I smiled softly and held his hand firmly in mine. "Thank you."

He shifted so that his emerald eyes could gaze into mine. "There's no need to thank me, Clare. I would do anything for you, especially when you helped me get through my own problems." He reached up and tucked a curl behind my ear. Eli was referring to his hoarding problem, his bipolar disorder, and Julia. It had been a long battle. For the both of them. But, if he could get through all of that, I could, no would get through this. I looked up when a soft voice cut through my thoughts. "Clare?" I turned from Eli to look at who called my name. A tall slender woman with her chocolate locks cascading past her shoulders looked in my direction. I stood up and walked over to her. The woman smiled warmly and stuck her hand out, while introducing herself. "Hello, Clare. I'm Dr. Whitmore, but you can call me Maya." I returned the smile as I shook hands with her. "Hi, nice to meet you." I turned back to face Eli, and he gestured for me to go, reassuringly. "I'll be here when you're ready to go, Clare." Nodding, I followed Maya as she led me down the hall to her office. It was a pale blue colored room, with a cream colored sofa facing a sage green armchair. Maya directed me towards the sofa, and I sat down. She did as well, and I looked her in the eyes. Hers were almost similar to Eli's, but they were a lighter green, almost transparent. "So," she began, clapping her hands together. "Why don't we begin with a little exercise before you open up about yourself." I nodded, maybe it was a good idea, so I wouldn't be as nervous. The smile remained fixed on her face. Did this lady ever stop smiling? "I want you to write a little poem for me, focusing on how your feelings are right now, so we can go from there. Sound good?" Again, I nodded, and she handed me a pad of paper and a pen. "Take your time, Clare. Don't feel pressured to jot down the first feeling. Take time to think about it." I stared down at the paper, and so many emotions swirled inside me, I found it hard to focus on one particular one, until I remembered what brought me here. The pain, the embarrassment, the degradation. I felt ruined. Suffocated by my dirtiness. I was destroyed. I began writing.

I'm drowning in my own despair,

I hate myself, I won't be the same.

The anger boils inside me,

And the sadness rips apart my heart.

I'm lost in this feeling of worthlessness

Falling further to the point of no return

I was a pawn, a piece to his little game.

Revenge against a war I wasn't in,

I was defiled, destroyed, and forced to sin.

It isn't my fault, but I can't change the past.

What was once purity, was tainted black.

And he didn't even care.

I felt a teardrop slide out of my eye and land on the paper. I didn't even know I was crying. Maya reached over and took the pad from me and rubbed her hand over mine, comfortingly. I looked up at her, and she seemed genuinely concerned.

"Clare, If you feel comfortable, can you tell me what this is about?" Gulping, I swallowed down the lump that lodged itself in my throat. "I was molested. By someone I knew."

Maya nodded, and wrote something down, probably what a freak I am. I felt myself getting ready to cry as my eyes burned with tears. "Can you tell me how this happened, Clare? I know it seems hard, but opening up about it will help get rid of some of the pain. Bottling it up can only make you suffer more."

I listened to her, but at the same time I didn't. What did she know about pain? About being molested? She was being paid to sit here and listen to me ramble about my problems. At the end of the day, she could probably care less about what happened to her patients. I tossed that thought to the back of my mind as I considered something. Maybe she did care, I couldn't just keep doubting everyone's intentions, I wouldn't be able to move on if I did.

Sighing, I struggled to find the right words to begin.

"It was this feud going on between somebody at my school and my boyfriend. It started off as this guy just continuing to bully Eli, and Eli began to fight back. And… I finally managed to convince the guy to leave Eli alone, but at a price; I had to go to the dance with him." I stopped, allowing myself to take a breath before continuing. "Well, Eli wanted revenge yet again, and he slipped ipecac into Fit-this guys drink, and he responded by threatening Eli with a knife. I intervened, but that got me into more trouble… that's when he molested me." The memories began flashing before me and I pressed my fingers to my temples, trying to push them away.

Maya wrote something down again, and tore off a piece of paper, handing it to me. "Clare, this is a prescription for Fluoxetine. It's an anti-depressant, and will ease the anxiety you're feeling. I want you to take half a tablet twice a day, morning and night, until you feel yourself feeling even slightly better, okay?"

I nodded, swallowing hard. Anti-depressants? Now I was officially labeled as depressed. I shouldn't have been shocked, but it's hard hearing it from someone else. "When is my next session with you," I asked timidly.

She tapped her pen to her chin thinking, as she flipped through her agenda book.

"How does next Wednesday at two sound?", she asked kindly.

"Great." I had to admit, being here was better than being at Eli's, with him and Adam staring at me like I was a going to break if anyone spoke one wrong word.

"O-kay, well, that brings this session to a halt as this was an introductory one. I'll walk you back down to your boyfriend."

We got up from our seats, and she guided me back down the hall towards the waiting room, where Eli sat tapping his foot to whatever music he was listening to. Dead Hand, probably. I scoffed inwardly, that was all Eli ever listened to. But what can I say, I picked him. He looked up, and his face lit up when he saw me. He rose up from the sofa and put an arm around me. He turned to face Maya and he smiled at her. "So, I assume that Clare's coming back?" He said, smiling, more of a statement than a question. Maya nodded, laughing slightly. "She sure is. Next Wednesday. Make sure she gets her prescription filled." She handed the paper to Eli, and he folded it and stuck it in his wallet. "Well, I guess I will see you next time, Clare. Take care." I mumbled a 'take care' back to her as Eli led me back out to Morty. I slid into the passenger seat, and he into the driver, and we sat there in silence. Eli broke it. "So, what now?" I tilted my head in thought, before I stared out the window. "Just drive, Eli. Just drive." I wanted him to drive long enough so I could process everything that happened today. I thought about everything that's happened so far, and I remembered that moment of relief when I had punched the bathroom mirror. The glass that had embedded in and cut my skin, it had felt euphoric. But I couldn't cut. I couldn't let the pain and depression consume me. I had to get better. I was going to get better…. Wasn't I?

Wow. Just have to give a quick shoutout to Crazyyellow, Suhlienuh, TheForgetfulTimeLord, Missindegrassi, and Sarahschneider2012. It's a great feeling to know people are reading what you write and liking it. And I hope you all like this chapter as this was extremely hard to write, as I know firsthand what it's like to go through depression. I'm very thankful for all the support and reviews I've gotten, so, Thank you very much for the love. Until next time! :)

~~Beccky

Chapter 5 Complete! Yay! First chapter I made over 3,000 words! I'm excited to write the next chapter where Clare begins to get help. I am having so much fun writing this. And please, if you are enjoying reading this, don't hesitate to tell me! Did anyone see the new episode of Degrassi, Btw? I'm glad that Alli finally came to her senses. (Mini spoiler Alert!) Anyways, will update soon!

~~~Beccky