Chapter 8

Seeing BJ always made me happy. This time was no exception. But he was still moody. I decided if I could not sleep, I would come to post-op later and ask him about that. After giving him the highlights of the day, I signed off. Good thing I remembered to get my robe from scrub room.

Colonel Potter was in his office. I could not wait for Klinger to announce me and just walked in and landed on one of the chairs. He did not look up. What was that? Was he mad or just playing mad?

"Hello Dad, I am home!" A tester to gauge how bad the situation was.

"Hello Son. I know. I am old, not deaf!" So far so good. He even used humor. In a sing-song voice. A useless singer, if he asked me. He could never hit the notes I could.

" Colonel Potter, sir, as you might know, I have been..."

"I know Pierce. I am working on something that might concern you so just hold your horses for a minute. You have waited this long. A few more minutes won't kill ya!"

Hmmmm. He was giving me mixed signals. If he were a girl, I would have made the move and gotten over with this limbo.

"Alright! I will wait for the movie to come out then." I said after what seemed like ten minutes or six pages later, whichever took longer, and moved my feet and chair so he would think I was leaving.

"Go have a drink while I finish this report." That reminded me of Billy when he would try to get rid of me by offering me a nickel so he could walk and talk with Amy, my next door neighbor and the prettiest girl in Crabapple Cove. Maybe my not getting a drink would change the dynamics of our current situation?

"PIERCE!" It was like he pierced my eardrum. For a guy intent on ignoring me ever since I came in, he sure sounded painfully and loudly communicative. He had startled me.

"WHAT? What? Oh, Colonel. You are finished with your paper work, I am glad to inform me. Or did you just want to intimidate me before going back to ignoring me?"

"I offered you a drink. Even poured one when I heard silence. You had dozed off. When was the last time you slept?"

"Before my latest nap here? Ummmm, this afternoon, in the mess. No, not then, I think. I was dead then. Yeah, in the post op before Radar brought me food. Why?"

"No reason. I was informed that you did not take any break during this last session. Is that true?"

"No Colonel I took plenty of breaks. Why this sudden concern? Everybody had it rough. How long was this deluge? Sixty hours? My longest was over seventy hours back when Henry was in command."

"Hmmmmm. Alright son. If you can go like this, by all means do! But take it from a an old horse, right now you may not feel it but it will catch up with you and with the way things are going, nobody knows how long we are gonna be stuck here so be a miser when it comes to your resources!"

"Yes sir, Colonel Potter sir. Now I am sure you love me and everything and if it were not for my father, you would have adopted me but you did not cut into my sleep time to molly-coddle me, especially after the dressing down you gave me in the OR today. So what do I owe the pleasure of your company to?" Why was I being so annoyed? And rude?

"Pierce, I need your help!"

"Help? My help? Are you sick or something? Need some kind of surgery? A hernia? I am great with a knife, ya know! Anything I can do, just say the word, Colonel!"

He startled me. He also scared me. Maybe thats why he was so mad at me lately. Was I his safety valve? I thought Klinger was. I was not ready to lose two commanders in less than a year's time. We couldn't be lucky the third time.

"No, no. Nothing like that..."

"Good. Thank God. You had me scared for a minute there. Next time, don't do it this way! I have a weak heart! And yeah, my offer to do 'anything' just expired." I took a deep breath of relief.

"We'll see about that. Its about Burns."

"You need my help with Frank? You want me to box him and ship him to North Korea? Or mail him to his wife, postage due? Just say the word!"

"PIERCE! I am tired and sleepy. So just shut your trap for now and let me finish. Burns is losing it. I tried to procure a new surgeon but its a process. Major Houlihan's engagement has rocked his fanny even worse. And you are not helping the situation either. Now I don't want you to babysit him but this is a request, go easy on him, son! He is ready to snap and I cannot lose him right now. He is not the brightest stud in this man's Army but God knows, we need all the inept surgeons we have. At least he covers one shift in post op. Imagine doing round the clock post-op along with OR without him."

"Colonel, I agree with you but here's the problem. If I don't do what I do to Frank, I feel suffocated. Trapped! Frustrated! And at times, I feel like I am losing it. So what am I supposed to do about me if I do the supreme sacrifice and leave Frank alone?"

"Don't leave him alone. Just don't dye all his underwear yellow next time. He was here with all his collection earlier. What a mess! And you said you took Arts in school? What did you do in your classes? Lob paint at other kids? Seemed like you bleached it and then dyed it yellow? And with orange and red flowers and polka dots? No wonder he was suicidal!" Potter was laughing by the time he finished his sentence.

I joined in, regretting having missed Frank telling Colonel about his underwear. Beej and I did a great job. And I was proud to announce that it was all my idea and I procured the bleach and the dye, Beej only assisted me!

"On one condition. For as long as I live, or work under you, whichever ends up being the shorter -or longer one - I don't want to be threatened with KP or loss of R&R. EVER! If you agree I will try to go easy on Frank. I will stop dying his underwear!"

"Fine. You got yourself a deal. How come you never touched your drink? I thought free scotch was your favorite drink?"

"Nah, I am staying away from scotch or any other kind of booze. Its not doing me much good. Now I cannot sleep despite cleaning up the still..." Me and my big mouth! Why couldn't I stay quiet? Good thing about Colonel, he always knew when to leave me alone.

"Hawkeye!" Fatherly manipulation cometh.

"I will behave, Dad. Cross my heart!" I changed subject very subtly.

"Sometimes, I feel for your dad. I certainly don't envy him. Now go catch some winks if you can. I won't mind taking some chemical help from the pharmacy if I were you."

"We'll see. I am too beat to walk that far. 'Night Colonel" And that was it.

Frank WAS cracking up, despite our claim that he arrived here cracked up. Of course he did but now he was getting worse, and it required a strong imagination to even fathom that possibility. BJ was my partner in crime. So was Trapper. But Frank's hatred started and ended at me. I never understood this special privilege, not that I minded it one bit.

"Captain Pierce! You look like hell." Klinger informed me.

"Thank you Klinger. I tried!"

"Heading for Swamp?"

"That's the idea. Why?"

"Have you seen Major Burn's new collection of underwear? Its terrible. I think BJ did it when you were in Post-op. Maj Burns was pretty angry. He even brought it all here to show it to ."

"Yeah? I wonder how the Swamp looks like now. All sunny and bright, I am sure!" This seemed interesting but I was too tired to keep standing. My mind was sending my body some urgent signals but my body was dead on its feet. To drag a carcass all the way to Swamp? Why couldn't they make war a little easier?

I practically lived in the OR or post-op. They could make accommodations for me in a wee corner of post-op. They could save me the trip I was dreading right now.

Swamp was dark and quiet. Frank, I hoped, was sleeping. This was the first deluge in recent history that he had taken only two hour breaks per day. His naps alone lasted longer than that.

There he was, asleep. Too bad I missed his tantrum earlier today.

"Goodnight Gracie!"

"Goodnight Darling", came the reply.

Frank Burns was a twerp even when asleep.