Though all I want to do is curl up and ignore the world after this morning, Teddy and I are currently on our way to meet Kate and Ava for lunch. Being angry with Christian shouldn't mean disappointing my son who's been looking forward to this outing all weekend. Besides, my best friend and I have a few things to discuss.
As much as Christian pissed me off last night by throwing our lack of communication in my face, to a point, he was right. For me to stand in front of him and preach about opening up to me when the one time he asked me to open up to him about why I was upset only for me to blow him off is unfair. By now it's a natural reaction to fight back when he's like this, but I have to keep reminding myself that we're both trying to change the way things have been the last few years and being a bitch when he's being a dick isn't changing a damn thing.
It doesn't help matters that when I did manage to get some sleep last night, all my dreams were filled with images of Christian and Kate. For the briefest of moments when I walked into that room where they had been holed up, I imagined them doing something much less innocent than fighting. I feel horrible for thinking Kate would do that to me. Christian a little less so, all things considered. But it made me wonder whether I'll ever get over being suspicious of anything he does or says. I don't want to live my life like that. And I don't want Christian to live his life watching every step he takes and every word he speaks. It's not fair to either of us.
We have to get past this...
I really think I'm starting to get desperate.
What the hell is wrong with me?
As we pull into the parking lot at the playground where we're meeting Kate and Ava, the girls themselves can be seen setting up a blue checkered blanket beneath a large shade tree. Teddy is bouncing in anticipation as I unbuckle him from his seat and as is always the case, my son's happiness overshadows all my darker feelings. I take his hand, grabbing the backpack of food we brought along with us for lunch and head out to the girls.
Ava sees us first and abandons her mother to run towards us. She and Teddy hug in the way little kids who haven't yet developed the typical childhood aversion to the opposite sex hug, but I'm looking at Kate. Kate is looking back at me as though she's surprised to find I'd kept our plans for the day and now she's looking terrified for whatever might be coming.
And she's got every right to be, growls my subconscious, sharpening her nails.
Again, that old thing about hurting my husband's feelings despite what he's put me through is coming through the surface. Apparently it's okay for him to run me down at his convenience, but not for somebody else to run him down. How fucked up is that?
"Hi, Kate," I say quietly, setting down my bag.
"Hey," she responds cautiously, eyeing me closely. "How's it going?"
I raise an eyebrow, biting back every sarcastic response that pops into my head. "Never better," I mutter dryly. Apparently I couldn't hold all of them back...
She sighs. "Ana..."
"Not now, Kate," I say a little more sharply than I intended. "Not with my son around."
She looks miserable, which manages to lift my spirits slightly, and nods. We manage to set aside the animosity between us for our children's sakes and settle into only slightly awkward conversation. It's more than evident that she's bursting to say something. Whether that something is an apology for yesterday or a lecture about how horrible Christian is for cheating on me and how I should leave him, I don't know yet.
With lunch out of the way and the kids off playing, I glance out of the corner of my eye to find Kate taking a very deep breath, letting it out slowly, and turning towards me. "Ana, listen—"
"Me first," I interrupt, turning to face her as well. "I don't know what you said to Christian since neither of you would tell me, but I think I've got a pretty decent summation of the conversation. While I appreciate your concern, you need to let me handle this."
Her eyes widen indignantly. "Ana! The bastard cheated on you for five months!" she whispers loudly in an attempt to keep our conversation private. "It's probably been going on during your entire marriage! And the bitch kidnapped your son!"
"Believe me, Kate, I am fully aware of the situation. But I've made a conscious effort to come home and work through our problems and you really need to respect that," I tell her firmly. "Why is it so wrong for me to want to fix my marriage?"
Sighing, Kate rolls her eyes, glancing over to where Ava and Teddy are taking turns going down the slide. "Under normal circumstances, there's nothing wrong with it," she says. "But this..." She shakes her head. "I've been telling you for years he's bad news and I knew he would end up breaking your heart. I tried to be supportive of you because you loved him, but I can't stand idly by and watch you hurt like this. Why are you even bothering with this? He's going to do it again!"
"You've got a lot of balls saying that to me, Kate," I say darkly. "Or have you forgotten what Elliot did to you? And for longer than Christian?"
She has the audacity to look at me in hurt and shock. "Why would you say that to me?" she asks in a whisper.
"Because you're sitting there on your fucking high horse pretending like Christian is the first man to ever cheat on his wife and like I'm the stupidest, most naïve person on the planet for even considering taking him back," I snap. "I know you never liked him. And for a while I took your opinion to heart, knowing you were only trying to protect me. But as I told you when we first started dating, I can handle it on my own. I'm not an idiot, Kate. I know he fucked up and that there's a chance he might do it again. If he does, I will divorce his ass and never look back. But we are working towards fixing our marriage. I don't think that's the worst thing in the world."
"I never said it was," Kate says defensively. "I'm just worried for you, Ana. The fact that you had to leave the country to get away from him... How much else was going on that you didn't tell us about? And by the way, why didn't you tell us? We never would have let you stew in England in some shithole apartment for months if we knew this is what happened."
I take a few of anger management techniques of Christian's—closing my eyes, taking several deep breaths, counting to ten—but now I'm on a roll, I don't really want to let this go. "First of all, what happens between me and my husband is between me and my husband. We don't need another person interfering in our marriage, Kate. I think we've had plenty of that shit over the years. I didn't tell anybody because I needed to work things out on my own before working them out with Christian, and if I had you or my mom or anybody else in my ear, I wouldn't have made the decision based on my feelings or my son's best interests—I would have been worn down enough to follow whatever advice you tried to feed me. As for my 'shithole apartment'..." Okay, I can't really argue that one... "I was determined to do things on my own without Christian's assistance. For what I had to my own name, I did the best I could. It wasn't the best choice I've ever made and I rectified that mistake when I could."
Kate is looking at me in open-mouthed surprise. I realize I've raised the volume of my voice with the possibility of drawing unwanted attention. I really couldn't give a shit right now. "I am so fucking sick of defending my choices to everybody. I am so fucking sick of everybody telling me what it is I should be doing in terms of my marriage. And I am so fucking sick of the judgmental bullshit! You want to know why I'm considering taking Christian back, Kate? It's because I'm still in love with him. Ridiculously, irreversibly, madly in love with him. I tried to move on from him, I even went on a date in London and had an incredibly amazing kiss, but when it came down to it, I knew I wouldn't be able to be with him.
"I haven't and will not forget what Christian has done, and he knows what will happen if he ever hurts me like that again. We both have a lot of work to do if we have any chance of improvement. But you cornering him yesterday at Carrick and Grace's didn't fucking help, Kate. I know you were only trying to protect me, but that is not what we needed. Not that it's any of your business, but Christian has made a fuck load of progress, just in the short time since Teddy's kidnapping. We're both in therapy, together, and I think I'll start going on my own, since I have my own issues to overcome. For the most part, we're honest and open with each other in a way we haven't been for years. I don't know if we'll be able to do this or not, but until we've made a decision one way or another, you can either support me or stay the hell away from me. The choice is yours."
I keep my gaze looked firmly on Kate as she processes my words. I don't remember ever going off on my best friend like this before. Hell, I don't remember ever going off on anybody like this before. Now that the words are out, I feel like a painfully heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I actually feel better.
"Ana," Kate begins, shaking her head, "I'm sorry. You're right, about everything. Of course I support you. I owe you that much after being there for me after what Elliot did. I'm just... I'm sorry."
I nod. "I don't want apologies," I tell her gently. "I want my life back, Kate. I want to be able to watch Christian leave the house for work in the morning and not wonder whether he's doing something he shouldn't. I want to be able to have a conversation with my family without every last one of them feeling sorry for me."
"I can understand that," Kate says quietly after several silent minutes, looking over at the playground to our children. "From the second I found out what Elliot did, I thought everything was over. I wanted to kill him, I wanted to kill her... I kept wondering what my life would be like if I divorced him and left him. Ava would have grown up without her father and I never would have been the same... I can't even tell you how many people tried to talk me about of trying to fix my marriage, and I should have known you would feel the same. And you're right, I don't like Christian and I probably never will, but it's worse than that now."
I raise an eyebrow. "How?" I wonder. I didn't believe their relationship could get any worse.
She sighs before meeting my gaze again. "When you left, ours was the first place Christian came looking for you. All he would tell us was that you left and he couldn't find you or Teddy and how absolutely terrified he was. I didn't know what to think, Ana. That entire week leading up to that night, I knew something was up with you—you were distant and sad. I didn't know what to do or say. Then when you left, and we didn't have any real explanation, we started coming up with our own theories. One was that you just weren't happy anymore. Another was that you'd met somebody.
"I comforted Christian that night. Actually comforted him—I sat next to him on my couch with my arm around him while he cried into his hands about you leaving him. If we'd had your side of the story, that would have gone differently, but we didn't. When you finally contacted us almost two weeks later, all you would say was that you couldn't be with Christian anymore and to please respect your wishes for privacy. It took every one of us to keep Christian from flying to London to find you. I know I told you this before, but he completely lost it when you left and if that is what he was like before meeting you, I really do feel sorry for his family."
She pauses as she eyes my crumbling expression, sighing. "Look, I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I think I understand why you did things the way you did. All I want to say is that you've got my support even if it's for something I really don't agree with. You're not the same little Ana Steele I managed to talk into interviewing some hotshot CEO because I was sick—"
I giggle through my tears; Kate grins.
"You have changed and I have to trust that you know what's best for you and for your son. Of course I'm going to be protective of you. And if he does anything like this again, I don't give a shit if I have your permission or not—that bastard is going down."
I roll my eyes, smiling. "Deal," I agree quietly, wiping at my face. "I suppose it would be pushing my luck if I requested you apologize to Christian?"
She raises an eyebrow. "Without a doubt, Steele," she tells me dully. "Even though I'm sorry for the way it came out, I meant every fucking word I said to him."
"Fair enough," I say, smiling a little. Despite how pissed off I still am at Kate, and everybody else for that matter, I decide to let it go for now, especially since our children have run back to us wanting dessert. Rolling our eyes at each other, Kate starts dishing out the cake she brought along.
I know this discussion is far from over and that Kate will need to be reminded of her promises at least twice, but I think I finally made someone understand my side of things. Even if I didn't, I made myself realize I need to follow through on my words, just as I've been begging Christian to do with his. We're in this together and until we've decided otherwise, I remain determined to fix my marriage.
My level of panic and fear hasn't lessened in the slightest since leaving the house this morning. I held out for a couple hours, trying to focus on my business, snapping at undeserving employees, and setting in motion several things that I hope will keep my life semi-drama-free for the time being. In the end, none of my distractions worked. I emailed Ana, thinking it might garner some sort of response from her—in the past, some of our most candid conversations took place through email. Uncertain what I was supposed to say, I apologized again for shutting her out last night. I know I was out of line after the confrontation with Kate. I shouldn't have taken my frustration and anger with my sister-in-law out on my wife.
At the same time, though, there weren't many points Kate brought up that I hadn't thought about on my own already. And yes, I had expected that sort of reaction from Kate. I just hadn't expected it to come up like that, at my parents' home while my family was trying to pretend I didn't exist, and following my father's announcement that he's fully aware I didn't hold to my promise to my mother about never seeing Elena again. I deserved every word Kate threw at me, but I was blindsided.
When Ana didn't respond to my email, my heart sank as I replayed her words in my mind: "You had your chance to let me in, Christian. And you blew it. So please, just leave me alone and go to work." What did she mean by that? Did I blow the chance to tell her what happened with Kate? Or was she referring to our reconciliation? I can't help but think I'd deserve it if that is what she meant.
Since not getting a response via email, I've called, texted, called some more, called Gail... Ana hasn't responded to any of my communication attempts, and my call to Gail only revealed that Ana took Teddy out for the day. It's only then I remember she was meeting Kate and Ava for lunch. I calmed down a little until about an hour ago when, having expected my wife to be home by then, I called and found out she left behind her cell phone and still hasn't returned home.
I can't remember ever being this frightened in my life. Taylor is driving as quickly as he can without killing us, but of course it's not quick enough. The moment he finally pulls up in front of the house, I jump out and run inside, desperately hoping to find that my wife and son have arrived home in the time since I left GEH. I'm yelling for them, practically begging for them. And there's no response.
I'm trying desperately to be reasonable about this. Ana and Teddy could just be out, it doesn't necessarily mean I've lost them again. But of course, my fears take over and I'm rushing through the house for some sign that they intended to come home after leaving Kate and Ava. Just as I've finished checking Teddy's room—and finding nothing out of place—and heading towards Ana's bedroom, I hear the front door opening and my son's laugh.
Relief. Sweet, sweet relief...
Heading back for the stairs, I try to get myself under control. I still don't know what Ana's feelings towards me are after this morning, whether she's still angry. Fuck, for all I know, after having Kate in her ear all afternoon telling her to leave me, she's come home to do just that. I manage to get myself down the stairs without killing myself. Ana is smiling as she takes off Teddy's jacket and helps him remove his shoes. When she turns towards the stairs, and me, I can't keep myself from reacting anymore.
"Ana..." I practically whimper, stepping off the last stair and crossing to her in a few long strides. I don't hesitate in doing what I've wanted to do all day, which is to pull her into my arms and hold her.
"Jesus, Christian," she gasps, instinctively putting her arms around my waist. "What happened?"
I can only shake my head, holding her more tightly as I think how incredibly lucky I am to have her here right now. After all I've done to her, all the horrible things I've said and thought about her over the months, she's still here and in my arms. I have to make this feeling last. Maybe not the one where I'm so panicked and fearful that I can't see straight so much, but the one that makes me believe that just having her in my arms completes everything I am, ever was, and will ever be. It's the feeling I had years ago when I was finally able to admit aloud that I loved her. It's the feeling I've been wanting back more than anything.
"You're home," I whisper hoarsely into her hair.
She manages to push me away just enough to look into my eyes and I'm nearly overwhelmed by the level of concern in her gaze. Wasn't she pissed off at me this morning...? "Of course I'm home," she whispers. "Why wouldn't I be?"
I hesitate, not wanting to vocalize my worst fears. I need to be honest with her, though. I have to share with her the things I'm thinking and fearing. "I tried contacting you all day," I start to explain, "and I never got a response from you. Then I found out you left your cell at home and I thought..." I trail off, unable to say it out loud.
Her brow furrows and I think she's worked out what I've been thinking all day. She glances towards the family room where Teddy is playing, then pulls out of my arms, slipping her hand into mine, and leading me up the stairs to her bedroom. After closing the door, she turns towards me, letting go of my hand. "You thought what?" she prompts softly. Her expression is now neutral and I know she's giving me the option to either let her in or shut her out.
I sigh heavily, running my hands through my hair. "I thought you were running," I admit, wincing as the words leave my mouth. I'm not sure whether it's worse that I thought she would run again after telling me she wouldn't, proving I didn't have any faith in her words, or that I, Christian fucking Grey multi-billionaire CEO, am so insecure that I've nearly given myself a heart attack running through my house searching of her.
Then I realize I don't give a fuck about admitting my insecurities when it comes to my wife and son. My money and business are nothing if I don't have them. It's more than just wanting them in my life. I need them. Today has been proof of that.
When I tune back into reality, I find a mixture of amusement, exasperation, and something else on Ana's eyes. "Christian," she says in a patient tone she's mastered when it comes to dealing with me. "Do you really think after everything we've been through one argument would have me running?"
I hear her words. I think I understand them. I just don't know how to respond to them. "But you said..."
"What?"
"This morning," I try to explain, "you told me it was too late and I blew it. I thought that meant..."
She rolls her eyes. "Christian, all I meant was that you had the chance to tell me what Kate said to you. I was angry. I was hurt, because we've been doing so well. I never meant you to think I was running again."
I lean back against the bedroom door and feel myself sliding down to the floor. It's a moment or so before I feel Ana sitting down beside me, reaching out to physically pull my arm around her shoulder. I pull her against me. "You have no idea how terrified I was today," I admit in a whisper.
"I'm sorry," she tells me in the same volume. "And I'm sorry for the way I treated you this morning. You were right last night when you told me I had no ground to stand on asking you to open up when I was doing nothing but shut you out this weekend."
I sigh heavily in relief, placing my lips against her temple. "I don't want to pressure you to talk, but you said it yourself: if we have any hope of surviving this, we both have to be on the same page."
She nods. "I know." She takes a deep, shuddering breath and lets it out slowly, resting her cheek against my shoulder. "When you came home from work and asked me what was wrong... All I told you was that I was thinking. And that was true. Saturday morning, I talked to Gail. She told me she knew about the affair before I found out. I don't know how long before I found out; all she would say was that it was long enough that she should have said something. She apologized for keeping me in the dark. In turn, I asked her what she would have done in my position. She basically told me she would have done the same thing I did, but wasn't sure if she'd have been strong enough to last as long as I did."
I let my head fall back to the wall. Being the total self-absorbed asshole I am, I never even considered the fact that my staff could have even told my wife about my affair. At the time I was cocky enough to believe I gave them enough salary and benefits for them to keep my secrets, not to mention their NDAs... And at the time, had a member of my staff been the one to tell Ana about Lucy, they would have been fired faster than they could blink, and I wouldn't have thought twice about it.
Throughout our marriage, I've tried to convince Anastasia that everything that is mine is hers—that includes my staff. Unlike me, she became attached to certain members of my staff. Those very same people kept something from her that broke her heart. Would it have been easier coming from Gail as opposed to that video Elena sent? Probably. It still would have resulted in Ana leaving me. Only now she has the added feelings of being betrayed by people she trusted—not just me.
"Please don't be angry with Gail," I say quietly. "Ana, the only person you need to be angry with is me. The only person you should feel betrayed by is me. The only one who should be on his fucking knees day in, day out, begging you for forgiveness is me. None of the staff would have told you without losing everything. Between the NDAs they signed when they started working for me and all the benefits I've given them... Gail's only option would have been to tell you what she knew, then immediately hand in her resignation to me. It would have left Taylor with the choice of his daughter's continued education or leaving the grounds with his wife. And yes, I am fully aware of how horrible that makes me sound. I was a cocky, arrogant bastard and even though I knew it would kill you to find out about the affair, I honestly never once thought you would find out about it."
"I also asked her what she would do in my position," she says as though she didn't hear a word I said.
I cock my head curiously. "What did she say?"
She sighs and huffs a humorless laugh. "She basically said she would have done the same thing I'm doing, only she wasn't sure she would have enough strength to actually get through it," she tells me. "Which I suppose is, in a way, comforting. Everybody seems to be telling me how strong I am for even considering giving you another chance."
"Well, they're right," I say, smiling slightly. "Though it might be easier for you if you took the other option." I say the words before I register what they are and I cringe.
"And when have you ever known me to take the easy way out, Grey?" she retorts, matching my smile.
I chuckle, resting my cheek on top of her head.
We sit like this for a while until Ana breaks the silence again. "Kate and I talked today."
I raise an eyebrow. "I figured as much," I murmur. "How'd that go?"
"I pretty much told her to mind her own fucking business. She started getting all high and mighty about once a cheater, always a cheater—" I wince at the words, but don't comment, "—but I shut that down with one well-placed reminder of what Elliot did. I told her we're trying to work through our issues. I said a lot of things to her that I've wanted to say to a lot of people who've butted into our problems. It felt good, Christian. Really good. Though she might not really understand why I want to stay here with you, I think she finally understands that I can handle myself."
"So she doesn't want to string my up by my balls anymore?" I ask hopefully, already knowing the answer.
Ana looks up at me, amusement in her eyes. "Oh no, she still wants to string you up by your balls," she assures me, "only now she's willing to hold off for a while to do it. Actually, she seemed just as pissed off that you lied to everyone about why I left as she did about the affair."
I bite my tongue against the retort I feel bubbling up—I didn't lie. I just didn't tell the truth. There's no difference between the two and it will only anger Ana. "Well, I'll take that as a win," I say dryly. I sigh, realizing Ana's renewed silence means it's my turn to share. "Before Kate cornered me, Carrick blindsided me to inform me that he knows I've been in contact with Elena."
Her head leaves my shoulder so quickly that she might have been burned. "How?" she asks, surprised.
"He was looking through some paperwork about Lucy and something didn't sit quite right with him, so he started doing a bit of digging until he discovered Elena has apparently been depositing large sums of money into Lucy's bank account for awhile now. I don't know how much or exactly how long—I managed to make my escape before he could say anything else—but he's put two and two together and realized the link between Lucy and Elena is me." I eye Ana warily, uncertain of how she'll react to hearing both women's names in one sentence.
To my surprise, she doesn't seem angry; only curious. "Carrick was looking into Lucy's bank accounts?" she asks, her eyebrow arched. "Isn't that kind of illegal?"
I ignore her slightly teasing edge—the one that suggests I learned my tricks of finding things out about people from Carrick—to answer. "Considering my father is a law abiding citizen, I can only assume he's gone through all the proper channels to gain access to this information," I say evenly. "Like I said, I'm sure he'll have much more to say to me on the subject, and I'll find out more then." I sigh heavily. "Ana, I think we need to make another appointment with Flynn." I speak cautiously, knowing we need to get back onto the original subject at some point tonight.
She nods against my shoulder. "I know," she whispers, tensing a bit. "I made an appointment with him on my way home tonight. Originally, it was for me alone, but I'd like you to be there."
"Oh." I hadn't realized she was considering speaking to anyone. "If you want a session on your own, we can make another one together," I tell her. "Though if you really want me to come with you, I won't argue."
"I just think we've got a lot that we're still not saying to each other, things we don't even realize are bothering us," she explains. "Flynn has a way of leading us to honest communication when we seem to be screwing that up."
"Whatever you want," I repeat, agreeing wholeheartedly with her words.
She snorts a laugh. "What I want is normalcy again," she says wryly. "Or at least as close to it as we ever get." Pulling away from my arms, she turns to face me, her expression serious as she debates her next words. "Christian, I want this to work for us. I want nothing more than for us to not worry about what the other person might be doing in our absence—whether it's you think I'm running or me thinking..." Her eyes avert from my gaze, and though I know how she was going to finish her sentence, I wait for her to do so. She takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly as her eyes flutter shut briefly and a pained expression passes her face. "Or me thinking you're with another woman, whether it be Elena or someone else. I don't want to just wash my hands of our marriage and walk away only to realize later on that I failed somehow by not giving us this chance. At the same time, I'm fucking terrified of how little it would take for you to destroy me completely. I was close to it last night, but I managed to rein it in." She rolls her eyes. "Obviously, since I'm still here..."
"If anyone has failed, it's me," I tell her. "And I agree with everything you said. I do trust you, Ana. I don't trust myself not to hurt you so when you brushed me off this morning, I thought I really had ended us. I'm sorry."
"I know." She turns and moves next to me again. "In the meantime, I think we should probably make our way downstairs so you can see your son." Even as she speaks the words, she's snuggling into my side the way she used to when she was tired.
I smirk to myself. Despite us both taking a problem and blowing it up to the point that we were even more uncertain about our future than before, we're here together, mostly content, and we've actually done a decent job talking again. There's still a long way to go, but for the first time today, I feel positive.
And though I would love to see and play with my son before his bedtime, I don't know when Ana will let me hold her like this again, so I'm going to take advantage of it while I can.