Part five: loss

Shutting the gates of heaven

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

I honestly wouldn't know where to start. From quite early on, my life was a wreck. Greater forces kept pushing over the houses I had built. Each time they would blow in the wind. The friends I made would fade. Never have I belonged.

My life described in one word, would be messy. I throw myself from the one place to the other. I never fit in. Always the new one. The weird one. However, I am not the only person on this earth that faces those struggles. I also don't want to say my life is 'harder' than others. I am simply different. So different, that I am literally one of a kind.

I'm not trying to suggest my life was useless. I don't think anyone else could have taken this burden to bear. Maybe that is why I was chosen. I lived the best I could. I tried to help people. I killed the monsters of this world. I still don't understand why those things should exist if You really created everything, but then, there is much I do not understand. Meanwhile I just try to live my life to the fullest.

Saving people.

Hunting things.

At long last, I have found myself in a position I can't save myself from. The world is crumbling apart. My friends are trying to fix it, but they can't. I know all three are trying so hard. But this time, the weight shouldn't be on their shoulders. Lay it onto mine.

I need guidance. Please, if You are listening, send one of your angels. Send an angel to guide me on the path of light.

Amen.

Aliza opened her eyes. She was met by a green field, overgrown with colorful purple flowers. For a long time everything remained quiet. She got up from her sitting position and started circling the clearing. Minutes passed, and Aliza enjoyed the quiet and peace.

'Well, I just had to see this for myself,' a voice suddenly said.

Aliza turned around, slow and carefully. There, at the other side of the clearing, were two men. The one wore a light grey suit with stylish hair. He was only the wingman to the other guy. The other man was a lot shorter, with messy grey hair. His eyes were huge, like they tried to see every little thing that happened around him. He wore simple clothes, like a dusty librarian that didn't get out much.

But his appearance didn't cover who he was.

'You're Metatron?' Aliza asked, a little edge of surprise to her tone.

The corners of his mouth curled up, leaving big wrinkles on his features. 'You expected me to be different?'

Aliza pushed her hands in her pockets and absently kicked a flower. 'Maybe something a bit more intimidating.'

The smile disappeared, and he instantly seemed offended. He didn't dwell on it, though.

'I must say, I didn't expect you to call out to us. You must know we could feel what you are when you prayed,' Metatron replied, taking careful steps forward. His minion followed him.

Aliza pulled a face and looked away. 'Yeah, I did.'

The small angel pulled an eyebrow up. 'A Nephilim. The only Nephilim I take it. Strange though, how often I lately run into your kind. But I bet you are the last one.'

Aliza didn't seem bothered by the approaching angels. 'You killed the last one,' she said on a low, threatening tone.

Metatron raised a little finger in the air and both stopped walking. 'Ah, you're wrong. That was Castiel.'

'You tricked him,' She quickly added.

Metatron looked her over. Once, twice…three times.

'Ey, I'm not for sale,' she said annoyed.

'Wait a second,' he whispered slowly. Then a wicked grin spread on his face. 'You are defending Castiel. I bet you know him. Very well, I'd say. Castiel seemed…distracted last time I invited him over. But he wouldn't…would he?'

Aliza didn't respond, but if looks could kill…

Metatron gave a little giggle of delight. 'He did, didn't he! You two…owh, the lines that angel has crossed.'

Aliza looked away. 'Enough. I want you to do something.'

'Me?' he asked surprised with a hand on his chest. 'You think I will do something for you?'

She looked the angel deep in the eyes before answering. 'I want you to shut the gates of Heaven. But this time, with the angels inside.'

Metatron stared at her for a long moment. Both kept a straight face, until Metatron cracked and started laughing.

'Oh you can't be serious.'

'I am. I can offer you something you want,' she told him.

'And what would that be?' Metatron asked while crossing his arms.

'Me,' she replied, 'dead.'

He looked taken aback, but didn't respond.

Aliza paced back and forth. 'I am an abomination, am I not? You want me dead. All angels do. How do you think the angels will react when they heard you had the chance to kill a Nephilim, but didn't? Who would follow you then? Plus, for the gates to shut, I need to die anyway. No more Nephilim. No more me.'

He kept looking at her with an amused smirk. 'Tempting.'

She held her hands out. 'So, we got a deal?'

He laughed again, and then he came closer. Once up close, the guy was really short. Aliza wasn't tall, like at all, but this was a new definition of short. Yet, he could crush her easily.

'I think you are missing something, darling,' Metatron told her.

'And that is?'

He chuckled some more. 'I don't need to make a deal. Why would I give you so much power? I can easily kill you here and now.'

Aliza leaned in closer to his face. 'Then why don't you?' she whispered.

'I try to keep my hands clean,' he replied while turning and walking away. He looked back over his shoulder. 'However, Muriel here has no desire to do so.'

Aliza looked at the other angel for a second before she heard the flapping of wings and Metatron had disappeared. Muriel pulled an angel blade from his inside pocket and started to move in closer.

Aliza looked at the angel full of fear. She tried to back up, but a large tree was blocking her way. The guy closed in and heaved the blade to strike down on her. The blade raced towards her face. In the very last minute, her arm shot up and twisted his wrist. He dropped the blade in pain and surprise. Aliza moved quick as lighting, catching the blade. She grabbed the angel at the front of his shirt and pushed him into the tree. In a flash of silver, the blade made a clean cut across his throat. He gurgled in pain. Aliza moved a little vial up to the wound. After a little moment, the wound started to leak. Not blood or body fluids, but a blinding blue liquid that swirled in the air. Angel grace.

The grace swirled into the vial. Aliza closed the lit and put it away. Muriel seemed to have regained his strength and pushed her off him. However, now being human, he struggled to keep upright.

'I am sorry about this,' she told him. 'I need it too badly. If you leave now and not go running back to Metatron, I will let you live.'

The angel looked startled and scared. He franticly searched his body for any remaining grace. Then he found a stick on the ground.

'There is no use to being a mortal,' was the first and last thing he said to her. Then he drove the sharp stick down between his ribs, piercing his heart.

'No!' Aliza screamed. She stumbled over to his body and tried to pull the stick out, but it was stuck. The guy looked up at her, tears in his eyes. In his last and most painful moments, he felt the most fear and pain he ever knew.

Then he died. Aliza knelt next to him and held his hand in hers.

'I am doing this for the good of everyone. In the end, you will be grateful,' she whispered.

Then she stood and moved away from the clearing as quickly as she could, since more angels would come.

The man in front of Aliza eyed her over. There was a look of disgust on his face, and Aliza got the urge to sniff her clothes. However, she knew it wasn't her smell he found disgusting.

'He will see you in a bit. You will remain here,' he said, before leaving in a hurry. His hands were balled up in fists, refraining himself from attacking Aliza.

Aliza leaned against one of the massive pillars of the room. Last time she was here she hadn't paid attention to her surroundings. She had walked through the hallways with two shotguns, shooting every person that tried to stop her. Now she took a better look. It was dark in this room, apart from a faint light shining in through the windows. The windows were at ground level, since this place was the basement. The place reeked of dead things and the metallic smell of blood. There were instruments of torture in the corners of the room, some covered in fresh blood. At the far end of the room was a throne, protruding above the ground level. It had a complicated design, and it looked centuries old. The throne was the only thing in the room that was not covered in dust or blood.

The place kind of looked like Hell.

'So the Lassie found her way back,' someone said behind her. Aliza twisted her head, still leaning against the pillar. She didn't really need to see him: that voice was recognizable out of thousands.

'You call me Lassie one more time and I will cut your tongue out and make you eat it,' Aliza said with a low seductive voice, still looking halfway over her shoulder.

Crowley chuckled as he moved closer to her, so she could see him. He leaned in closer to her ear to whisper: 'Love it when you talk dirty. Touches me right were my bathing suit goes.'

Then he walked towards his throne. 'It amuses me how you overrate your power here.'

Aliza pushed away from the pillar and walked to stand in front of him, slightly looking up at the king of Hell.

'I assume you succeeded then, if you are back,' Crowley said once he sat.

She stared at the demon a little longer before pulling the vial out of her pocket. The angel grace swirled inside.

Crowley leaned forward in his seat. 'Wow. I didn't think you had the guts. Is it dear Cassie's?'

A shiver went down her back by the mentioning of Castiel. She felt like she was betraying him. She probably was. But in the end, this would be the solution.

'Oh, let me guess. You took a chapter out of the Winchester handbook and didn't tell him about this deal. Makes sense, I don't see Castiel agreeing to any of this,' Crowley rasped on.

Aliza put the grace back. 'You got the bow then?'

He smiled. 'Wasn't hard at all. You find one of these idiots in diapers and question them for a bit. Don't think it took me longer than twenty minutes. Including strapping the moron to that machine over there and dragging him back out afterwards,' Crowley said while pointing to the machine she had noticed had fresh blood on it.

'You son of a bitch,' she swore under her breath.

The next second Crowley had a small bow in his hands. It was made out of white wood, and carved in beautiful curves.

'Now, all we need is the spell,' Crowley said while admiring the bow. 'I believe Metatron still has it. We need to confront him-,'

'He isn't the only one that has it,' Aliza said. Her voice was strong, but without emotion. She couldn't turn her emotions back on now. She would fail her task.

'And that is?'

Aliza just stared at Crowley for a long moment. She had to tell every cell in her body to not start crying or break the deal.

'Castiel.'

After the second round of knocking the door finally opened. Dean stood at the other side.

'Where the hell have you been?' he asked Aliza, who stood in the pouring rain outside the motel room. They had to pack and move, because they were on a new case. Sam had left their location to her at her voicemail. Like, twenty times over.

Aliza stepped past the oldest Winchester into the warm motel room. She shivered and kicked her boots off.

'Around,' she replied.

'For six days? Without leaving anything behind to tell us you are okay?' Sam said concerned.

Aliza looked up at Sam, and was reminded of their conflict last time. She searched his expression for anger or disgust, but he didn't show any.

'Sam, I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said,' she said, her eyes big of guilt.

He held a hand up. 'That is forgiven and forgotten. But not this. Tell us, where have you been?'

Aliza sighed and dried her hair with a towel that was thrown over a dining chair.

'I followed a lead. Nothing big, thought I could take care of it myself.'

'You could have told us that,' Dean said, crossing his arms.

Aliza made an exaggerated gesture. 'You are right Dean. Sorry about that. But honestly, I don't need babysitting all the time.'

'We know. We just want to know when you are chasing a case and when you are being tortured. Can we make that a deal?' Sam asked.

Aliza stuck her thumb up. 'Deal. Now, do you know where Cas is?'

The question took them back. 'No, he is off. Doing angel business,' Dean replied.

She turned to face Dean. 'Can you try calling him?'

'Like praying you mean? Why can't you?'

Aliza shrugged. 'He isn't answering mine. Figured he would come for you.'

Dean waved his arms around. 'Why does anyone think I am the only one he comes for?'

'Hello Dean,' someone said from behind Dean.

He turned around to find Castiel standing in the corner of the room. 'You called?'

Dean looked back and forth between Cas, Sam and Aliza. 'Are you kidding me?'

Castiel tilted his head to the side. 'What is wrong Dean? Didn't you call?'

Aliza stepped around Dean. 'No, he did. Or actually, I did. Why aren't you answering me?'

Cas looked down. 'I thought your call wasn't an emergency. You…send me some personal thoughts with that prayer. I am too busy to come for…that.'

Aliza blushed. 'Oops.'

'Oops?' Dean replied, clearly not wanting to be in on this topic.

Aliza turned around to him. 'First prayer. Don't really know how it works yet.'

'So, why then did you call?' Castiel asked her, stepping further into the room.

'We need to talk, in private. It is important, not personal,' she added quickly.

'Then why can't we be in on the subject?' Dean asked.

Aliza turned her head around to him. 'Because I say so.'

She never intended that to sound so poisonous. She could see the pain flashing in Dean's eyes before he shut it out. Aliza started to hate herself more every second of the way. She had to keep in mind that she was saving the world. The path was lonely and painful, but she figured it always was. If she looked at Cas, who tried to do the same, that idea was confirmed. They were both tired from the fighting, and just wanted peace. But peace was what they were fighting for. Even if her peace couldn't be with Castiel, or even on this earth.

'Cas, take us somewhere private,' she whispered to him.

The next moment they were in another room. Aliza could see through the window that they were still at the same motel, but in another empty room. Apparently the honeymoon suite.

Aliza chuckled. 'You have style, Cas.'

'What is so urgent?' he asked, feeling very sleepy. He sat down at the bed with a big sight. Angels didn't sleep, but she could imagine this one delving into the blankets and sleep a hundred years.

Aliza picked up a chair and sat opposite him.

'The spell Metatron spoke to shut the gates of heaven, do you still have it?'

Cas was back in a lively posture. He narrowed his eyes at her. 'Why do you suddenly ask about that?'

Aliza tried her best to look enthusiastic. 'Because I might know a way to break the spell.'

Castiel's eyes went around like wild beasts. 'How?'

Aliza leaned back a little. 'I know a warlock. He is not like a regular witch, he is much stronger. He rules over New York City. I have laid contact with him, and he thinks it is possible to reverse the spell. To open the gates again, and let the angels back in. But he needs to take a look at the spell to do it.'

Castiel stared at her intensely. It was his thing. But this time it wasn't romantic. He doubted her. He searched her for lies.

'I don't think a witch, doesn't matter how powerful, can perform something so magnificent,' he simply replied.

Aliza sighed once, but tried to keep the joy in her eyes. 'Maybe he can't. But he is a master of spells. Maybe he can see a way to do it, so that someone else can do it. You, for example.'

Cas looked away from her. Aliza gave a small sigh of relief to have his watchful eyes off her. She felt like he could read her mind.

'Maybe that could work. However, I do not think Metatron designed these spells to be reversible-,'

'But we can at least know that for sure,' Aliza cut in.

Castiel looked back up at her. His look was still doubtful, but he seemed to agree. There was a short tingling feeling in her hand, like it had gone numb, before she felt something had appeared in it. She carefully opened the piece of paper in her hand. On the paper were words in Enochian. She still couldn't read the language, but from time to time it looked like a word would change into an English word for a second and then turn back.

'Thank you Cas,' she said, and then looked back up, 'for trusting me.'

Castiel showed a smile. 'Of course I trust you. You mean everything to me.'

He took her hands between his, crushing the paper a bit. She looked up in his eyes, and swore she could see them water. The sudden golf of love he send her way crashed into her wall of guilt, and it was nearly enough to make her say the truth. She tried her best to hold back the tears, but couldn't stop one single tear streaming over her cheek. Castiel noticed it and wiped it away with his thumb. Then he just held her face in his hands.

How could she possibly be romantic towards him now? She was lying and deceiving him.

'This time isn't easy for me. A lot of it is a reminder of my failure earlier. I don't want to be the leader, but the angels seem to be falling apart without me. I am walking a thin line, and I can easily fall every moment,' Cas started telling her. He looked back up in her eyes and smiled happily. 'But then I think back of you. I think about what I fight for. I fight for peace, so that we can watch Netflix and that doctor show while I hold you in my arms. Of course, our lives will never be that easy. There will always be hunts, and bad guys to defeat. But there will also be good moments. And that is why I can keep going. That is why I can be a leader even though I am not the right person. I do all of this, for you.'

Aliza broke. The tears she tried to hold back earlier flowed richly down her face. She was sort of laughing and sort of crying, she didn't even know what she was doing. Castiel looked confused, and franticly tried to do something. Aliza just stood and pulled him up with her, to hold him close in an embrace. She buried her face in his chest, not being able to stand those adorable and lovesick eyes of him any longer.

His message to her went both ways. Of course it was heartbreaking to hear him say those things. She didn't want anything more than to have a life with Castiel. And to think, that the very thing she was doing, would keep that from happening.

On the other hand, he confirmed what she already suspected. He was fighting for her. He wasn't fighting for the good of earth, or heaven. He was fighting for her. And that, made him a bad leader. That made him incapable of winning this fight. All Metatron had to do, was threaten her, Dean or Sam, and Cas would drop everything and surrender.

'I don't know what to say,' she whispered honestly. The most of her sobbing was over now, but her face was still flushed and wet.

Castiel kissed the top of her head. 'You don't need to say anything. I just wanted to tell you.'

Aliza composed herself and took a step back. She wiped at her face, trying to make herself stop crying.

Cas looked around the room while he was thinking.

'What?' she asked.

Cas looked back at her, and gave her a mischievous smile. 'Wait here. Don't go away.'

Without another explanation, he left. Suddenly the silence seemed deafening. Aliza decided it was a good moment to take a hot shower, trying to let her worries stream away for a moment. If she understood him good, he would be back to spend some time together. Was that a good thing? She still felt guilty, and it wouldn't go away. But on the other hand, this was probably her last night with Cas.

Better make it count.

Twenty minutes later she stepped out of the small bathroom, only wearing a towel. There was a moment of surprise when she spotted Cas on the bed. His shoes, socks, trenchcoat and overcoat were off. So was his tie. The top buttons of his shirt were undone. He had draped himself in a sexy laying position, and looked at her with a hungry expression.

Aliza gulped. Only that sight was nearly enough to give her an orgasm.

'You look so good,' he said as low and seductive as he could. Aliza couldn't help a small giggle escaping her. He had probably looked up 'how to be seductive for dummies' and would try some techniques.

He gestured for her to come closer. Aliza obeyed without complaint. She crawled over the bed, one hand holding the towel at its place. Cas sat up to receive her. He placed a hand on her jaw and pulled her face in for a kiss. Cas kissed with passion and lust. He moaned just before he pulled back. Aliza moaned herself because of his noise. Cas smiled fondly.

'So that is a good thing to do. Interesting,' he mused as his hand stroked up and down her arm.

Aliza moved her leg over his body, so she was straddling him. He looked up in her playful eyes. She pulled the towel a little tighter so she had her hands free to undo his buttons. Once his shirt was off she gave him little kisses all over his torso and neck. Then the kisses turned into love bites. Cas moaned again, and Aliza moaned in reply. She went ever lower to stuck her tongue in his belly button and to the edge of his trousers. She could obviously see his hard member pushing against the fabric. She let her hands brush against him over the fabric, causing Cas to jerk up.

'Get it off,' he ordered through his teeth.

Aliza looked back up at him. 'You tortured me last time. Now, Mommy will do as she pleases.'

With painful slowness, she undid his belt and zipper, and tugged the pants down. Cas his breath was very audible. Every now and then he tried to move his hand to remove his boxers, but Aliza would slap them away. She kissed all the way around his last piece of clothing.

'Aliza, enough,' he panted.

Aliza decided to help him, and ripped the boxers off as fast as she could. Cas was so taken aback by the motion that he shot up from his position and pushed Aliza into the wall. There were a couple of cracks in the wall as she hit it.

'Getting wild, are we?' she teased.

Cas was beyond teasing. He placed his hand over her heart, feeling her quickened heartbeat for a moment before sliding it down and ripping the towel away. Aliza gasped at the slight cold that licked her body. She wasn't cold for long though, since Castiel covered her body with his. He placed his hands under her thighs and hoisted her up against the wall. Without warning, his hard cock entered her. Aliza slapped a hand over her mouth to muffle her moan. Cas his hands held her hips as he grinded into her rapidly. His face was tense and focused, trying to maintain a rhythm of trusts. Aliza placed a hand under his chin to make him look up in her eyes.

'Look at me when you are fucking me,' she ordered.

Cas smiled again. He kept staring at her as her eyes tended to roll back in their sockets. Cas his breath became shorter, so to announce his climax coming. Aliza pushed herself away from the wall, so they both fell back on the bed. Cas was startled for a moment, before sliding out of her so they could move. Aliza let herself fall into the cushions as Cas crawled over her. He took a small detour to let his tongue slide over her breast. Then he opened her legs and pushed himself in again. This time Aliza was more prepared, so instead of screaming she simply moaned. She wrapped her legs around his lower waist and pushed herself up to him in trusts. Cas pushed back in the same movement. Without noticing, Aliza started to say things in Enochian again. Cas liked the dirty talk, and started to talk back in the ancient language. Aliza was startled to understand what he was saying. His low, seductive voice groaning in her ear drove her insane. Castiel trusted once more and she hit her climax. Cas looked a little lost as he tried to keep pushing in her. Aliza helped by groaning back in his ear, and Cas came too.

Aliza stared out of the window with Cas spooning her. He wasn't asleep, but he insisted on staying a little longer, so she wouldn't feel like he just came for the sex. In fact, Aliza enjoyed this little moment even more than their heated actions. Or, she would enjoy it, if she wouldn't get eaten up inside with the guilt.

'This is something we should do more often. I really like holding you like this,' Cas said in her ear. He send a wave of goosebumps down her body. He was so close he brushed his lips against her ear shell.

'Yes, I like it too,' she answered. Luckily her face was turned away from Cas, otherwise he could see her empty expression.

Cas sighed. 'I need to go back.'

'I know,' she whispered back.

He took another long moment to hold her close, before moving out of the bed. Aliza kept staring until a fully clothed Cas stood in her line of sight. He looked down at her with a loving smile. She looked back up and tried to smile. He stroked some hairs away from her face.

'I will see you again really soon,' he promised.

She stared up in his eyes. This would be the last time she would see them. Maybe Cas could visit her in heaven….if she would be allowed into heaven. The thought chilled her even more.

'Looking forward to it,' she replied with a cheeky smile.

Cas smiled. That was all she needed. The last memory of Cas to be his smile. Then he disappeared, for the very last time.