Ch 23

I was lying in bed, thinking about the letter and how to fix what was not even my fault to begin with but what would hurt my father and quite possibly, my relationship with him. How to explain to him that he was the single most important person in my life?

After this?

And whether I should tell him about Uncle Jim's letter? Seemingly small questions but I was feeling overwhelmed. Maybe it was because I was, at the same time, trying to be in the situation and be removed from it to objectively assess and act accordingly. I also thought about BJ. He had not been in ever since I was dumped in here. Now I was feeling slightly annoyed. And maybe a little bad for myself.

Before I could explore the extent of my self-pity and feeling of overwhelm, there was a soft knock. I was not interested in company so I did not answer and wished the person away. My power of suggestion was not so strong, I suppose. The door opened a bit and I saw the last person I hoped to see right now.

O'Hara.

"Hey, can I come in?" Asked the woman I still failed to understand.

"I am still contagious. Enter at your own risk!" I tried to warn her so she would go away. Seemingly, I had lost my powers of suggestion completely.

"Don't worry! I had it when I came to Korea. Now, after the shot, I think I am pretty safe. So... How are you doing?"

"I am good. Good! I am doing good, thank you. How about you?" I decided to act rude after ten minutes in case she tried to settle. I needed time to think and preferably alone if not in some better company. Maybe I showed some sign of interest or maybe she was either completely blasé or as pushy as I had expected her to be.

"Oh I am doing great. Work has been in bulk lately and I am getting the hang of it. How about you?" She was too cheerful and was being a little eager, to my annoyance. Somehow, I was not getting the right vibes from her. That was my skeptic side. But the same side told me not to judge her and maybe we both got started off wrong but one or even two encounters ought not to decide the kinda person she was, right? The same side also yelled at my gut feeling about her. What the hell did that mean? I knew it to be just an excuse for our irrational dislikes or likes for somethhing that was othrwise just not reasonable! I decided to act scientifically and confront the problem head on, which in this case, was a person I happened to dislike for absolutely no good reason.

"I am good. I just told you. So, tell me, why are you being nice to me now? As far as I know, you know of my reputation and also, as far as I remember, we had some skirmishes before you met me in the mess tent full of morning glory. So be honest and tell me what are you trying to do?" I hoped that did not come out as rude as it seemed to but then, I could not care. If I could not have a real friend, I could certainly do without a phony one!

" Yeah. I remember. Its a long story and I don't wanna stay too long right now. You need rest and I have to go get something to eat. Want me to get you something?" What the hell was she doing? I decided not to care.

"No, thank you. I can do without the food for now. Not too hungry, really!"

"Listen Ben! We started off wrong but that does not mean we cannot set it right. I think, over here, we can use all the friends we have and if we can get a new one every once a while, so much the better. Don't think..." And she was cut off in the middle by one of my favorite people peeking in from a half opened door.

"Hawk!" He said.

"BJ!"

"Ben, I will see you later. Take care, will ya?"

"Hey Cate. Don't leave on my account. I can come later." Said BJ to O'Hara.

"No, that's alright. I was leaving anyway. See you later, Ben!" And with that, she left the tent leaving a faint whiff of flowers. Lilacs and maybe lillies?

"Come on in." I ushered him in. This was promising to be a very awkward evening. I did not want company but I was not sure how to tell him off after all the silence he had ritualistically observed over past few days or so. Maybe I could postpone my thought process for a while. It was not going to leave me alone anytime soon anyway. And I could fill the long night with it.

"You look sick." That was a nice opening line.

"Yeah. Hence the palatial accommodation. How is work?"

"Rough. Just as usual. We are facing more than our expected share of post-op complications though we should have expected that, what with you gone and Frank taking up some of the slack."

Gone?

Slack?

Why did it sound like I fell sick on purpose? Like it was my fault? Like it was my fault that a few of my patients were suffering from post-op problems? Why did I even ask him about work to begin with?

"Hmmmm. So how is family doing?" That was probably not a very good thing to do as I saw his color change.

"Fine. They are fine. So how long before you can move back to Swamp?"

"Potter said in about three to four weeks. But I don't think I will be staying here that long. If I cannot move back in two weeks time, I will request transfer to Seoul or Tokyo. If I have to be bored to death, I would rather be in some company besides dust and bad food and a blaring PA system!"

"I am sorry Hawk! I should have come earlier but ..." He sounded wounded this time. It made me feel a little better but at the same time, I felt a tiny bit guilty for saying what I had said.

"I did not mean you. I know you have work to do and all. Its more like, my inability to help is driving me insane. Its not even like backseat driving. Its like somebody jacked my car and then gagged and tied me up and shoved me in the trunk."

"I know buddy! You look tired and sick. Have you been eating? You seem to have shrunk last I saw you."

"Yeah, I am. That was the only condition that Potter had for me to stay here. Maybe the stay is not worth that. I stayed because...Never mind."

"Listen Hawk! I am really sorry. Col. Potter was in the Swamp earlier. He yelled at me again for not seeing any signs of illness in you. Or that you were using antacids or not drinking any gin. All the signs someone can exhibit in this cesspool that don't fit..." I decided to cut him off. If he had come because he was feeling guilty or because Potter told him to, I could do without it. I was feeling sorry for myself as it was. And did not need him of all the people to feel that way for me.

"Don't apologize. And you did not have to come. I am all grown up, in case you cannot see. So you can go back without feeling guilty and if you don't wanna come, feel free not to. I have been doing fine without you, in case you hadn't noticed till now. And tell Potter to keep his nose out of my business. I am not Erin and you don't have to watch out for me!"

"Alright. When you do wanna see me, lemme know. I will be around. And yeah, I did not come because he asked me. I came because...What the hell! Maybe when you are feeling less sorry for yourself, you may wanna see me. All you have to do is ask someone to call me."

"SORRY FOR MYSELF? Maybe you need to stay away from booze. It has fried your brains. I am the one feeling sorry? That's the funniest thing I have heard in a long time. I am the one feeling sorry? Pal, its you! You are the one feeling sorry for whatever happened back home a few days back. Sorry for yourself. Sorry for being stuck here. With me. How dare you say that about me? You don't wanna talk about it because I will tell you to take it easy? Its the same thing I have been seeing ever since you came here. And you say that I am feeling sorry? For myself. If I am feeling sorry for anyone, its you!" I did not realize I had gotten a little loud. And BJ's face had turned a little pink. I feared him slugging me. I remembered his latest pursuits in pugilism. But recklessness had taken over me. I was sick of this war. I was sick of this life.

"You are right!" And with that, he left.

That was just dandy! If he had been angry, maybe I had felt better. But now, I felt bad. Worse, considering the fact that I was feeling plenty of bad already. This new bad just piled up on all the remaining bad I had accumulated.

Whoever said this war was an easy business?