Next two chapters will be up tomorrow and the night after. They are pretty damned long but I cannot splice them without killing them in the process. Don't you hate that?
Anyway, read on and be persistent in not letting me know how you feel. I prefer silence, now that I have gotten so used to it.
Chapter 24
Next few hours, I thought and thought. It was a frenzy. I thought about how much I hated this war for ruining everything for me. I hated the war for giving me friends who could walk out anytime they damned well pleased. I hated the war for sending Carlye back to me just to snatch her away all over again. But most of all, I hated the war for making me feel so damned sorry for myself. Before now, everytime things had gone bad, I had someone to fall back on. When Mom died, it was Dad. When Carlye left, it was booze plus work. When I was drafted, it was Dad and then Trap. When Henry died, initially, it was Trap and then BJ. And now, when things were not even as drastically bad, I was suddenly dealing with it alone and feeling incompetent. Or was it the virus talking? I hoped that it was the virus and not just plain old self pity. But what about Dad? Even after cursing everybody who got me involved in this damned fiasco loudly in poly-syllabic expletives, I was none the wiser. How to fix the damned mess with Dad? And why the hell was he so damned hung up on my whims?
This whole thing was beyond me. And after all the pacing I had done, I was pretty dead on my feet. Somebody had left some food on the table but I think this time something stared right back at me when I stared at it long enough. I had no intentions of knowing that living being intimately. It could have the food for itself, for all I cared.
I also seriously considered asking for transfer to Seoul or Tokyo. Maybe change of scenery would do me some good? But I was sure it won't. It was getting late but I was not sleepy, just tired beyond the point of exhaustion. In fact, beyond the point where exhaustion makes you giddy. I was so exhausted, I was not even giddy anymore. Just fuzzy. And felt like my head was above my body, watching it from a distance, while it decided on how stupid I could get with all the pacing in the little tent. If there were any walls, I would have climbed them.
I decided to lie down and remember the good old days. I had too many and that was the truth. Life was so relaxed. So free. Maybe I was long overdue to pay back for all the good I had enjoyed? I always figured that to be a strictly Presbyterian concept but why else would I be shot to hell while I was still alive? Me and Dad never really went to Church. Sunday was our only day of relative freedom. He was on call on alternative Sundays along with another guy from nearby town.
There was fishing.
And riding the bike.
And Dad teaching me to drive when I was twelve.
And fixing the storm shutters.
Listening to music on radio. Sometimes, even plays though that really came much later for me. I used to sort of assist him sometimes in the clinic during the holidays.
And then there was the fall. Those colors. God I missed those colors. I could walk in the wind all day, watching those trees changing colors before my very own eyes.
So many of the trees had my initials carved on them, along with Toby and Dicky and Tommy. Riding the bike down the slopes on the road at a breakneck speed. And the sleds in winters.
All these things made me feel worse.Tommy had died in my arms. I had hated Henry that day, for not letting me work on him. I hated Tommy for being so damned macho. One of us was stuck here. Wasn't that enough for him? He could have stayed back and lived. This damned stupid war! I kept losing my friends to it.
I decided to step outside in the open air. I doubted if there was anybody out there at this hour. Everybody was probably and hopefully bushed.
It WAS quiet on the main street. And the side streets. I knew that with the cold in the air, it was imperative for people to stay warm, however they accomplished that exercise in futility. The cold hit me like a slap in the face. But that did wonders for that fuzziness. I was wide awake and probably would be able to think now. I decided to take a walk down the main street towards CO's office and then back, maybe around Swamp. Maybe try and scare Frank? Kiss him on the mouth? Not now, I decided. I was still infective and could do without his whining if he became my roommate.
Downtown was less quiet. I could hear shrill yelling from outer office. I was familiar with the tone and the voice, having been at the receiving end of that fusilade all too often in last sixteen months.
I ignored it, not sure if I should feel sorry for Penobscott or Margaret.
My thoughts shifted towards Margaret and her de lovely. I knew that Penobscotts were mainly from Maine but I was not sure if he was from there or somewhere else. In any case, I was not interested. For all I cared, he could have been related to the Russian Czars!
Margaret had changed a little in last few months since she had been engaged. Still a stickler for discipline with that GI Jane gung-ho holier-than-thou attitude that sparked all too often but ever since her separation from Ferret Face, she had mellowed. If time allowed, I might even end up liking her some though I wouldn't bet on that. The biggest change, though, so far as I was concerned was that all along, her hatred for me was not really something real. It was more a projection of Frank's enmity towards me than any of her own feelings. That meant less crap flowing towards me. Much less than when they were an item. And maybe BJ was to be blamed for that too. Trap enjoyed similar sentiments from them as I did. Almost the same. And that was because he aggravated them almost as much as I did. But even with him, they preferred him over me. Margaret probably liked him secretly. However, BJ was the antithesis of Trap in so many ways that I doubted if even Frank disliked him. So all his hatred was for me now.
By the time I came back outside outer office, the yelling was high pitched and I felt the end nearing. Deciding to stick around to see how she was doing and of course, to make some fun of Donald, I slowed my pace even further. And she did not disappoint me. The door flew open and she stamped outside before yelping because of the gusty wind blowing.
"PIERCE!" I felt my eardrum puncture.
"Why are you screaming. I can hear you fine."
"What the hell are you doing out here? Aren't you sick enough? And were you eavesdropping on me again?" She shrieked. I loved that shriek.
"AGAIN? I take umbrage, Ms. Houlihan. That was below the belt. Its been such a long time, statute of limitations has expired. And NO. I was not eavesdropping. Anybody with decent, sober hearing can hear you loud and clear withina hundred yard radius. I think even enemies have our position locked by now!"
"Oh stuff it, Pierce! Why the hell are you out here?" She started walking and I joined her since she was not going to her tent. She was actually going towards the minefield. I decided to keep some distance though. With her, I never knew. What if she decided she had enough of me and pushes me in the minefield?
Nahhh.
She loves more too much.
I chuckled.
"I was missing Maine winters and this bone chilling wind reminds me of home. Kinda nostalgic!"
She stopped a few feet from the board warning us of landmines.
"It looks beautiful." She commented almost silently, looking towards the sky. It was a half moon and a clear starry night.
"Yeah. I have hardly ever seen the sky here without a few gallons of the elixir of life in my veins. Now I can tell that it really is beautiful."
"Why do you drink like that?"
"Why do you ask?"
"Pierce!"
"Margaret!"
And then we stood quietly. I remembered Mom telling me of the stars and constellations. She loved the sky. She was from New York and was happy to be living in Maine. Too much of nature to satisfy even the most urban of souls. I suddenly shivered. When I looked sideways, I saw her staring at me again. This was bad!
"You look sick!"
"Thank you. I have heard that before. I try!"
"Frank wanted to visit you."
"To do what? Slip me some venom?"
"He was afraid you would kiss him on his mouth and give him the germs. He was scared of you. I told him I would accompany him if he wanted me to. But he got carried away..." She left the sentence unfinished but I knew what she did not say.
A few minutes passed before I spoke again.
"Margaret!"
"What?"
"Thanks."
"For?"
"Nothing." I wanted to thank her for picking on my jaundice when nobody else had.
"You are welcome!"
We again stood quietly for a few minutes staring ahead, in my case, and in her case, I don't know.
"Anything you wanna talk about?" I heard her speak to me. This was new. And way out of left field.
"No!"
Another long period of silence as the temperature dropped a few hundred degrees.
"You?" I asked her this time.
"No!"
This was fun. I knew she wanted to talk. And I knew it had to be me whom she wanted to talk. Or could talk, for that matter. Maybe if I had opened up, she would have spilled too. But I was not very well equipped for any form of support for anyone else. Not right now.
"You are crazy. So am I. What are you doing out here in this cold? What do you want? Hypothermia? Last thing I want for you is Frank performing malpractice on you. OR me. Argh! Cummon, get going. I will walk you to your tent." I almost yelled in a dramatic way as wind picked up some speed.
"The gallant, chivalrous Hawkeye Pierce." She giggled as she started trudging along me towards her tent. "It should be me escorting an eloping patient back to his bed but I know an idiot when I see one. Reasoning with your still might be more productive. But Pierce, please, go to bed and sleep. Get better because we need you back. And fast. BJ and Col. Potter cannot work like this for more than necessary!"
"Don't make me feel worse than I already am. I should have gone to Seoul or Tokyo and Potter could have asked for a new man. Staying here is driving me nuts anyway. I should have known!"
"Listen! Its not your fault. OK?"
"I know that." And with that, all my chivalry and gallantry vanished. "Goodnight Margaret!" I said as I took long strides towards my tent without waiting for her reply.