I am acutely unhappy about the way my story is going right now because I don't think I am quite catching BJ right. Apart from that, I was unaware of the fact that I had a long chapter written in advance and in stock. I figured I had already posted it. Complications of travel shock and exhaustion, I guess. So now, I am going to post it and I know you guys don't care how I portray BJ. Some of you may not even care if I post a new one or not. But there you are wrong, the 'some' who think I ain't gonna finish it. Cz I AM!

AT least I think so...

Anyway, its stupid of me to expect any feedback or criticism about how I am portraying BJ so I am not even going to bother asking.

Keep reading. Or leave and find something more fun and constructive to do ;)

You are still cool!

Chapter 27

So this was what was worrying BJ. I had seen him worried before. All the pomp and circumstance was almost ritualistic. Everytime something happened or did not happen as expected in Mill Valley, he went through the same agonizing process where he would fume and sulk and drink and so on. The BJ Hunnicut who was life and soul of Swamp and the camp in general would disappear behind this guy who resembled my friend only in appearance. It was like, he had no memory of whatever had happened a few weeks back or so. When his last distressing letter came. Everytime, he started afresh with all of this, almost with a religious fervor.

In most ways, this was all really enviable, how he was committed to his family. But it stopped being enviable and entered the realms of ludicrous as soon as he forgot to be realistic, or just maybe, a little less paranoid. But then, maybe, I did not know what it was like to be a family man. I had been in a serious relationship not so long ago. Or was it really a very long time ago? Residency seemed like a lifetime away. I liked being with her, no question about that. But she did not like being with me as much. Or was it the other way round? She wanted more than I could give? I always figured I was already giving her the most I could. That is, until she came here and then, of course, when I compared myself to BJ, I saw some big differences. I could not commit myself to a relationship like he did. But then, I was not paranoid as he was either. At least I thought I wasn't. So how to help him when I did not even know why he was like this? To me, it was paradoxical. So far as I was concerned, there were two possibilities. Either he was right or he was wrong. And so far as I knew, he was wrong. But part of me also told me that Peg was human, just as BJ was. But that was not something I could tell him. The only thing I could do for him was to tell him to not think like that and just trust his wife. And the only thing I could tell him was to hold onto what he had and not ruin it based on assumptions, presumptions and insecurity. And if all else failed, I would either push him to ask her straight up or else, I would do it myself. That sort of confrontation had the finality which even I was not prepared for, let alone expecting it from BJ.

Reason 387 for hating the war.

Or was it Reason # 837?

What difference did it make anyway?

So-o-o-o-o...

Where was I?

Yeah, BJ and his domestic problems.

Why did men choose to be domesticated anyway?

But that thought was not relevant to my current dilemma so I dropped it for now. It certainly wasn't going to help me help BJ. The only person who could benefit from this line of thought was me, myself.

So this was what I was going to do tomorrow. I was going to tell BJ he was an idiot. But I had already said that today. Hell, I could tell him this again. Perhaps rephrase it? I knew for a fact he was not going to get smart overnight. But after stating the obvious for a second time in as many days, I needed more than a clever way of calling him an idiot, a dunce, a moron, to convince him that I was correct. About everything, including his stupidity and his paranoia. I also needed to find a foxhole to hide in after delivering this mantra or next thing I would utter would be my own eulogy.

That settled, I returned to my own problems. And another thought struck me. Why was everyone around me having so many problems? And why was I involved in them? Or, aware of them? Or the cause behind them? Was there some form of seasonal craziness that came here in Korea when trees got leaves and flowers, pollen? That drove everybody nuts? And through some inexplicable reason, put me smack in the middle of it?

Maybe not! It was just all the free time on my hands with absolutely nothing to occupy it with that brought all of this to my attention and then refused to leave it alone for something more important because there just wasn't anything more important. Not when I was not working.

Anyway, back to my own problems, what to do? One obvious thing was to call Uncle Jim and tell him of my lost letter and then ask for Olivia's number. The other option was to call Crabapple Cove switchboard and ask the operator, which I hoped was either Molly or Giselda, depending on the time of the day, to patch me through to Olivia? That is if they did not know anything about my fatal nonmistake. There was another option, the cynical me informed me. Let all of them go to hell. Why was it my fault if Dad had decided to act like an idiot? All this sensory input was playing weird games with my sanity which was sketchy at best, even on my good days!

The other question was about leaving isolation and going out on a germ spreading spree in order to make the call. That was not such a huge problem since Hepatitis virus was not airborne. I could leave the tent to make the call.

I felt like I had accomplished something big. Like a successful surgery. I was missing doing surgery. I also knew that once I was back, it would be impossible to catch a break till I got sick again but being sick was worse than being tired which was better than sick and tired, of course, which was how I was feeling right now.

You are rambling again!

Part of my brain informed me. I turned on the light because suddenly I realized how crazy it felt to ramble in thought in dark.

That does not make any sense either, the same part informed me.

Oh shut up!. This time, I told it to lay off.

Maybe write a letter to kill some time?

To whom?

Dad?

Billy?

Some friend?

One by one, I discarded all of these options.

Or maybe, I could write Dad? I was not sure I could write him objectively right now. I was not feeling right in the head. I felt that I would spill my anger and shame on the paper and did not know if I wanted that. Being face to face and saying all that needed to be said was one thing. Writing it down was altogether another. Maybe just write him about BJ this time?

Suddenly, Dad was telling me what a rotten, selfish son I was. He was yelling at me at the top of his voice. BJ was standing next to him, yelling at Peg for cheating on him and leaving him all alone. His clothes were soaked in blood. Peg was hiding behind me, crying and was wearing a wedding gown with veil on her face and Army boots on her feet. Dad was wearing his scrubs with blood on them too. I was trying to keep Peg safe from BJ while BJ was latched onto Dad, who was struggling against him. It was very noisy and loud and suddenly, I saw Erin standing by the side, holding a fishing rod, my fishing rod, shedding silent tears, wearing my clothes, the ones I wore when I fell into the pond and Billy saved my life. Next to her was the little boat that Billy and I used to fish in those days and then, Billy appeared, putting one hand over Erin's shoulders, trying to console her. I just knew it was Erin even though the kid was at least six or seven years old. She had black hair and light colored eyes. Part of my mind informed me that her hair was a peach fuzz. It was too loud and I was telling them both to shut up. I was trying to explain to Dad how Olivia was just not good for him because Mom loved him more than Olivia did and then I yelled at BJ that Peg loved him more than she loved Stanley and I saw them both lunge at me and started shaking me, screaming at me, calling out my name.
"HAWKEYE! HAWKEYE! WAKE UP, GODDAMNIT."

Suddenly, I saw BJ staring at me from a distance of less than two feet holding my arms very tightly in his hands in a vice-like grip. I tried to move backwards before realizing what had just happened.

"Oh, hi!"

My heart was still racing.

"Hi." He took a step back, letting go of my arms. "Nightmare?"

"Huh? Uhh, no. Not really. Well, kinda. I don't know. What are you doing here this late?" I did not know what to tell him about the dream I just had. I did not know what it meant myself.

"Its not late. Its early. Like really early. Like six in the morning early! When did you go to sleep? I remember turning the lights off when I left last night."

"I don't know when. And you know, seeing you last thing before going to bed and then waking up to see you as the first thing in the morning is kinda...disturbing, I guess. And speaks so much for my dismal lack of social life. What are you doing here? Want to catch the bug? I can kiss you and save you the visits if you want!"

"I would rather be kissed by a tarantula."

"How about a lobster? And you did not answer my question."

"Brought you your breakfast."

"Why? Anybody else could have done it. I am not so fortunate as to be ignored by the torture known around here as 'food', am I? Potter saw to that!"

"Consider it an apology. I am trying to make up for last few weeks."

" By bringing me food? Do you even know me? And I thought you were my friend. So much for my assumptions!"
"In case you haven't noticed, which most obviously you haven't, food has taken a turn for the better. I don't know how it happened but cook is actually trying to cook, for a change. So just, for once, eat what you got without complaining. OR sniffing!"

"I cannot eat without sniffing it first. I have explained it to someone else not so long ago which reminds me, now that everybody feels obliged to visit me or watch me eat, I am feeling like a caged chimpanzee. And everybody has to comment on how I eat or why I sniff it. I have to announce it on PA system today to tell them all to leave me alone. I am sick and tired..." And then I remembered my thoughts from last night about either being sick or tired.

" And I thought you would never shut up. Is this what keeps you awake at night? Coming up with arias to annoy the hell out of the sorry figures trying to give you some company?"

"What? Uhhhh, yeah. I need to improve these skills, ya know. For future purposes. Have you been discussing me behind my back?" I asked suspiciously.

" Who? Me? You kidding? I have been busy lately. Too busy to even think let alone talk about you." He said with that undertone of guilt and apology that I did not much like.

"Yeah, I noticed. Hey Beej! How does your day look like today?"

" The usual. Why?" Now he asked suspiciously.

"Nothing. Just wanted to talk to you whenever you had some time today. So just drop in when you can, Okay?" I thought I would tell him what I had been thinking and maybe get him to feel a little better even though he seemed like a different man already.

"How about now? I have plenty of time right now. What is it?"

"Nah, not now. You seem to be in a relatively good mood. I don't wanna ruin it or your day, for that matter." I said dismissively.

" I was in a good mood even before I came here yesterday and you don't have to worry about me. My mood is just fine!"

" Yeah? About that, ummm, I need to talk, alright. I have been thinking. That's the only thing I am doing right now. I need some advice on something personal. So be a good sport, for old times' sake!" I said somewhat mischievously, trying to make him smile. It was not really a lost cause after all. He smiled before getting serious again.

" Listen Hawk! I have been thinking too. About what you said. Part of me agrees with it but its a tough pill to swallow. I know...I hope I am wrong but I know her. Not like she would run to the next man who crosses her path but...Its like, I am not there. She is lonely. And she is beautiful. And she is never evasive. She tells me everything. EVERYTHING. So when I think about all that and then I think about her last couple of letters, it feels like she is hiding something. And because there is nothing to hide, not from me...unless...Unless its something like that. I don't know, Hawk. I am torn. And afraid. Scared. What if I am right? Even the possibility is killing me. So... so I just don't know. And this is something I cannot talk to anyone about. Its just too hard..."

All my mischief and the effort to make him smile was gone by the time he stopped talking. I knew, how much he was hurting. But it was distant till now. And it was all a load of speculation. But now, I could feel the very visceral fear he was feeling.

"I think I know..."

"NO, you don't! You can never know what it feels like so don't say what you don't know. OR mean."

" Damnit will you listen? I know you are the most miserable person right now. Right now, your life sucks. I don't know how you are dealing with any of that because frankly, you are not used to that. Neither am I. So I am not qualified to tell you how to deal with any of this. That is why I need you to spare me sometime when you can. I have something important to tell you. Just not right now because you are not listening to my voice let alone some form of advice. And I thought I could ask you for some help about something personal... But hell! Now go before I lose it completely, damnit! And take the damned tray with you." I think I did a good job faking the anger. It was not all faking because sometimes, this self pity really got to me. Nobody liked being here. Nobody had it easy. All I knew was that everybody felt he was the worst off because of the war. But was there a way of quantifying individual misery? Maybe I had it the easiest. No ties, no nothing. Or maybe that was my self pity talking.

"I will come later. And I am not taking the tray with me. Either eat it or throw it away, I don't care."

And that was when I did lose it.

"NEITHER DO I!" And threw the tray across the tent.

BJ left without another word.

Perfect!

So much for faking it.

P.S. Next chapter might be up rather soon. Its too long and I am unsure how to splice it. So I just might discard it in which case, new chapter might not be up too soon. But then, there is always a possibility that I would neither splice it nor throw it and just end up posting it.

OK, enough talking on my part. My fingers need rest.

Ciao.