Harry Potter

And the Merits of a Canon

"What happens when Ron Weasley stuffs so much food in his mouth during the Opening Feast that his head explodes? Read this story to find out!" -Summary by canoncansoddoff.

-Italics from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

Author's note: I know I'm not much for character bashing these days but that summary idea from canoncansoddoff was too good to ignore. So big shout-out to a slightly eccentric writer with an army of tales and princesses going commando. Also industrial lights.

"I'll kill Fred, he was going on about wrestling a troll."

Harry managed a frail grin as he nodded in agreement. The very idea of having to wrestle a troll was terrifying. In comparison, sitting in front of the school and wearing a hat while it decided his future…

On second thought, maybe a troll wasn't such a bad idea. Staring nervously, Harry fought down the fear and panic he felt. What if he wasn't chosen by the hat at all, it just sat on his head for too long until they decided that he didn't deserve to-... No, no those thoughts weren't wise. Not now.

"Abbott, Hannah!"

A pink-faced girl with blonde pigtails stumbled out of line, put on the hat, which fell right down over her eyes, and sat down. A moments pause -

"HUFFLEPUFF!" shouted the hat.

"Bones, Susan!"

"HUFFLEPUFF!" shouted the hat again, and Susan scuttled off to sit next to Hannah.

"Boot, Terry!"

"RAVENCLAW!"

And the sorting continued. From the 'B's went the 'C's and 'D's onward. Malfoy became (predictably) a Slytherin, and before he knew it his own name was called.

"Potter, did she say?"

The Harry Potter?"

Approaching the hat apprehensively, with his heart pounding frantically in his chest, the eleven year old's last glance was at the assembled school, each of them eying him with an incredibly uncomfortable obsession.

After a rather long argument about the pros and cons of each of the houses, the hat finally shouted its decision.

"Better be-GRYFFINDOR!" Relief flooded him as he realized that he wouldn't be bunking with the blond haired boy that had already become his enemy.

"Weasley, Ron!" Was near the last to be called, and with the hat barely scraping against his skull the hat shouted again.

"GRYFFINDOR!"

"Well done, Ron, excellent," said Percy Weasley Pompously across Harry as "Zabini, Blaise," was made a Slytherin. Professor McGonagall rolled up her scroll and took the Sorting Hat away.

Harry looked down at his empty gold plate. He had only just realized how hungry he was. The pumpkin pasties seemed ages ago.

Albus Dumbledore had gotten to his feet. He was beaming at the students, his arms opened wide, as if nothing could have pleased him more than to see them all there.

"Welcome," he said. "Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!

"Thank you!"

He sat back down. Everybody clapped and cheered. Harry didn't know whether to laugh or not.

"Is he - a bit mad?" he asked Percy uncertainly.

"Mad?" said Percy airily. "He's a genius! Best wizard in the world! But he is a bit mad, yes. Potatoes, Harry?"

Harry blinked and his eyes widened in disbelief at seeing the food that had suddenly appeared. Beside him Ron crowed in delight before his hand snapped forward and pulled the plate of potatoes to him.

"Er, Ron, you okay?" Harry asked.

"Dear god, not this again." Percy moaned, his head drooping into his hands.

"What's wrong Percy?" Harry asked, but Ron answered his question for him.

Gripping the plate of potatoes, he slung it to his mouth and seemingly unhinging it, he began to shovel the plate's entire burden into his mouth.

"How is he doing that?" Harry gaped.

Percy sighed, as he shook his head in frustration.

"If I knew I'd fix that problem." He grumbled, sounding decidedly un-Percyish.

Once Ron had finished off the mashed potatoes, he carelessly tossed the plate behind him, and it vanished before it touched the floor. Once he had, Harry heard Hermione speak in revulsion.

"That's disgusting!"

Harry nodded weakly, but he couldn't turn his eyes away. After the potatoes, an entire roast vanished. Then, a plate of carrots, a bowl of peas, an entire fried chicken, bones included, and even a full turkey, Ron had even consumed the bones.

At that point, the entire school had stopped eating, and the assembled students and teachers stared at the boy who had devoured more food than all of the seventh years had eaten in the last year.

However, not all the students were staring in abject disbelief. George, Fred, and Percy had slipped under the table, and were hiding in embarrassment. Not that Harry could blame Percy, but did the older student have to hide under Harry's chair?

With the food of Gryffindor house annihilated, Ron leapt to his feet, and scurried over to the Ravenclaw table, repeating the process.

"How has he not exploded?" McGonagall asked, unable to avert her eyes.

It was a valid question, and almost prophetic as a few more seconds passed and Ron suddenly stopped eating, gripping the Ravenclaw table with one hand, the other going to his head.

"I… Think I… Ate… A little… Too much." Ron moaned.

SPLAT

It was a hideous sound, and blood, goo, and ichor covered the entire great hall. For a few moments, there was nothing but silence and then, a girl screamed.

"SILENCE!" Dumbledore roared, his wand suddenly appearing in one hand, with an explosion.

Thankfully, the explosion silenced the traumatized crowd.

"Not again…" Percy moaned from under Harry's seat.

"Again?" Harry's voice rose in pitch.

He had every right to be panicked right now. His glasses and face were covered in his best… his… Former friend's blood and… and…

Percy groaned before he managed to slip out from under the chair.

"I… I'll handle this headmaster." Percy said weakly as he made his way over to Ron's mangled corpse.

"Damn it Ron, everytime." He cursed before his wand was in hand.

Mumbling a series of complex spells, the blood and gore that had coated the great hall faded. Then, Ron's head reformed and the boy looked up at his older brother stupidly.

"Headmaster, he's going to be even dumber than normal for a week."

"I'M A KITE." Ron proclaimed proudly.

"It's higher than a kite Ronnikins." Percy sighed, rubbing his temples.

"I'M A KITE!" Ron agreed.

An: As a side note, I recently gained an anon review that had this to say: "dude you played too much RPG games to make the destiny fic where harry had no identity"

I can only say one thing to that 'Uh... Okay?'