Part 5
A Pirates Life is a Happy Haunt?
As the group passes under the bridge leading to Pirates of the Caribbean, Gourry begins rummaging through the backpack for a snack. Zelgadis tries to keep up with Lina, as they weave along the nearly empty line, but this is difficult to do with Gourry tugging at his back. Luckily, Zelgadis is use to tolerating such nuisances. Better to weave through an empty line rather than a crowded one after all.
"The pirates are fake so no need to kill them alright," Zelgadis reminds Lina with a small smile.
"Of course they aren't real," Lina whacks the blue man lightly on the head. "Not worth the effort burning them up. Besides why would they waste money on real pirates when they can just fabricate them?"
"Real pirates?" Amelia asks.
"And no I am not referring to the 'Bootstrap Quartet' we passed on the way here," Lina laughs. "If only these guy's knew what 'real' pirates were." A maniacal giggle can be heard as the group enters the rides building. It's a good thing the park doesn't have paid actors for the ride otherwise she might be tempted.
A musty wet smell enters their nostrils.
"They pump the smell in to make it feel more authentic," Gourry smiles as they sit down in the small boat.
Amelia notices the fancy restaurant as the boat 'sets sail' across the murky swamp. "Why would anyone eat there with this smell?" Amelia wonders aloud.
"It's all a part of the 'magic'," Lina laughs as they stop beneath a skull talking to them.
"Psst! Avast there! It be too late to alter course, mateys. And there be plundering pirates lurkin' in ev'ry cove, waitin' to board. . ." the skull head tells them in a hushed voice. "Sit closer together and keep your ruddy hands in board. . ."
"These guys are good at reminding guests to remain 'safe'," Lina mocks. She is more than a little surprised when the boat tips forward and they fly forward into the dark watery abyss. Lina and Amelia scream as Gourry simply hollers, putting his hands in the air adding to the thrill of it. Since their eyes haven't adjusted from the light of the sunshine outside, the cavern seems darker than it really is. Since the four Slayers are sitting in the front of the boat, they get a bit wet. Even more so since Zelgadis is quite heavy causing the boat to take on more water than usual.
"Ah man, I'm all wet," Lina laughs as she flings some water at Amelia, who proceeds to do the same. Meanwhile, Zelgadis looks miserable as he checks to make sure the backpack isn't too wet.
No sooner have they recovered from the first drop then they are falling a short distance down another drop. While this drop isn't nearly as steep it is still unexpected. This time Lina and Amelia yell with Gourry as they raise their hands with him. Zelgadis barely has time to lift his head and get sprayed directly in the face for his efforts.
For the first part of the ride Lina is tempted to grab at the glittering gold they pass, but Zelgadis points out that it is probably fake since everything else is. Twirling a strand of curly hair in her finger, Lina quickly pretends that she was never interested in the first place.
When they reach the falling water with the face of Davy Jones and Blackbeard, the Slayers briefly panic. The little splash at the beginning was fun and all, but they weren't expecting to get soaked!
Imagine their surprise when they reach the flowing water and it turns out to merely be a smoke screen being projected on.
"Like I said its all fake," Zelgadis says smugly.
"Ha, coming from the one who was freaking out two seconds ago by trying to protect the back pack," Lina smirks.
Everyone laughs, even Zelgadis offers a small grin.
"Avast you scurvy scum, where be Jack Sparrow," a man hollers from a ship to their left as a cannon fires from a fort to their right. A water jet explodes next to Zelgadis, once again offering him a friendly spray of water.
Again everyone laughs, Lina pointing and grabbing at her side. Noting Zelgadis's grimace, Amelia is kind enough to attempt and cover her laugh with her hands clasping mouth.
As they pass through the first part of the scene reenacting pirates taking over a Caribbean island, Amelia points out the character of Jack as they pass the governor being dunked in a well.
"I've never seen pirates do that," Lina laughs. "They should ride this, might give them some new material."
"We wants the red head," a group of pirates hollers from their right, causing Lina to flinch. "We wants the red head!" After a quick glance from side to side, the slayers realize that this scene is showing an auction.
Amelia gasps, "This is politically incorrect!" She screams and points at the pirate leading the auction with a defiant finger.
"You want a red head I'll give you a red head," Lina yells as fire begins to glow in her hand. Both girls appear to be about to stand in the boat, luckily, Zelgadis and Gourry grab them and make sure the stay seated.
"Doesn't matter if it's politically incorrect, it's historically accurate," Zelgadis points out calmly. "Actually," he reads the banner above the women. "They toned it down."
For the remainder of the ride they chose to laugh at the inaccuracies and wonder what Jack is up to as they flow along through the ride. They pass many drunken men, a pirate trying to keep a special key from Jack and finally they reach the section where the pirates are singing a catchy tune. It is suppose to be a pirate song, but Lina and the gang wouldn't expect a real pirate to sing it.
When they reach the portion that depicts the town on fire and pirates chasing women laden with food Zelgadis leans over to the others. "See politically correct," Zelgadis laughs. "If I were a pirate I wouldn't be chasing them for the food."
"Zelgadis how can you say such a thing," Amelia says crisply.
He smirks, "Just saying. It obvious they went out of their way to make people happy, but it only comes across as cheesy and sloppy."
"Honestly Mister Zelgadis," Amelia turns away from him while Gourry eyes the food with longing. In his mind, the Disney Imagineers have depicted this scene perfectly.
After passing Jack's stash of treasure, the ride is concluded and the gang makes their way to the Haunted Mansion. Again, there is no line walking right into the fairly small mansion with only a glance at the extensive graveyard line they have just avoided. A butler, who seems half dead, leads them through a dark foyer and a large oak doorway. The room they are lead into is poorly lit with four portraits hanging above them and a high ceiling.
Amelia grabs Lina's arm nervously, "I don't like this."
"What, are you scared?" Lina asks tickling Amelia shoulder.
"Miss Lina stop that," Amelia jumps brushing Lina's hand away.
"Please step into the DEAD center of the room," the butler calls loudly from somewhere behind them.
Zelgadis chooses this moment to lightly brush one finger along Lina's spine. The slim girl jumps and turns a deathly glare onto Zelgadis, "What was that for!"
"What?" Zelgadis feigns ignorance. He doesn't even grin, using his ever present grimace with perfect ease. Beside him though, Gourry is snickering.
"Don't play dumb with me," Lina puts her hands on her hips, but is forced to lose her step as more people are crammed into the room.
"Gee, how many people are they putting in this room," Lina asks.
"Um, guy's where's the door . . ." Amelia wonders aloud.
"Well it's over there of course," Lina points to the place where they entered and everyone looks there. Imagine their surprise when they see no door there at all, but the same wood paneling that surrounds them on every wall.
"Wow, that's pretty cool," Lina says with a nervous laugh.
"What do you mean that's cool Miss Lina," Amelia asks. "We're stuck inside a room! What kind of ride is this?"
"Welcome, foolish mortals, to the Haunted Mansion," a loud voice says above them. "I am your host, your . . . ghost host. Kindly step all the way in please and make room for everyone. There's no turning back now."
"Well obviously," Lina says.
"They are really good about reminding people about the basic rules," Zelgadis states dryly. He's getting tired of being reminded, are people really that dim witted?
"Our tour begins here in this gallery where you see paintings of some of our guests as they appeared in their corruptible, mortal state," the ghost host says. One painting shows a young woman with an umbrella, another displays a politician, one shows an elderly woman with a flower, and the last shows a man with a stylish hat and arms crossed. Slowly the paintings begin to stretch. All of the Slayers eyes go wide as the paintings reveal more than what one would initially expect.
"Your cadaverous pallor betrays an aura of foreboding, almost as though you sense a disquieting metamorphosis. Is this haunted room actually stretching? Or is it your imagination, hmm? And consider this dismaying observation: This chamber has no windows and no doors, which offers you this chilling challenge: to find a way out!"
The ghost host offers a cruel laugh.
"Of course, there's always my way," he says.
Without warning the lights shut off and lighting flashes around them. Everyone looks up and sees a man's body dangling from a noose in the attic above them. A scream is heard and some of the other people in the room scream along with it or just laugh. Apparently most of these guests have already been on this ride because their screams are over dramatic and obviously meant to be laughed at.
"Oh, I didn't mean to frighten you prematurely; the real chills come later. Now, as they say, look alive, and we'll continue our little tour. . ." The ghost host continues as the crowd veers towards a doorway that has just appeared. Like a gently moving river the crowd exits the drawing room and walks through the portrait hall.
"Just remember Amelia, it's all fake so don't go trying to cast any purification spells," Zelgadis says.
Amelia looks slightly put out for being reminded just like he did for Lina during the Pirates ride. "I know Mister Zelgadis, you don't need to remind me."
Gourry points at a seemingly random portrait on the wall that shows a woman reclined on a couch. Whenever the lightning flashes she transforms into a cat like creature. "This image is seen in three different places in the Disneyland park," Gourry recites. "She also appears on the Pirates of the Caribbean attraction and in the Golden Horseshoes Review Theater."
"Huh, wonder why they did that?" Lina asks.
"No idea," Gourry says happily.
When they pass the statues that seemingly stare at them, they reach the actual start of the ride where something called 'Doom Buggies' glide down a spiral stair case and past them.
"Above us is the track that the Disneyland Train runs through, if you listen carefully sometimes you can hear it pass," Gourry says.
"Oh, the buggies only sit two people," Amelia says as they get closer. "We need to choose who's going with whom." This is the first time they have come across a ride that only sits two people and the group is slightly caught off guard.
"Why didn't that supposedly helpful ghost host tell us that when we first came in here," Zelgadis wonders aloud.
Before Lina can make a suggestion for seating arrangements they near the moving sidewalk that runs parallel with the doom buggies. Amelia grabs Zelgadis's arm and giddily slides into a doom buggy with him, forcing Lina to scoot into the next one with Gourry.
"Boy she's a sly one," Lina muses as Gourry attempts to move the bar down in front of him.
"Do not pull down on the safety bar, please; I will lower it for you. And heed this warning: the spirits will materialize only if you remain quietly seated at all times," The ghost host says from somewhere above them.
"Wow, Zelgadis is right," Lina laughs as Gourry watches the bar lower in amazement.
As they travel through the haunted mansion Lina looks at everything with fascination. She wonders how some of these tricks are accomplished. Some of the simple special effects she can figure out, but others, are a bit beyond her, especially when they reach Madame Leota's floating talking head. It's amazing what they can do without magic.
When they enter this room, Gourry jumps and grabs Lina in fright.
Lina shoves him aside, "Gee Gourry what's your problem it's just a ball on a wire!"
"But how is it moving . . ."
". . . I don't know, but I'm sure there's a logical explanation," Lina says crossing her arms.
"But these people don't have magic . . ."
"Nice of you to remember that," as a distraction Lina looks over into the buggy that holds Zelgadis and Amelia. She is amused to find Amelia clutching the rock mans arm like her life depends on it as they circle Leota's head.
"Serpents and spiders, tail of a rat; call in the spirits, wherever they're at," Leota says as they exit the room.
They next pass through an elaborate ball room scene, an attic with the creepiest looking bride Lina has ever seen and then finally the graveyard where the ghosts are singing a happy haunt song.
"I guess it wouldn't be Disney if they didn't have ghosts singing a song," Lina laughs despite herself.
"Ah, there you are, and just in time!" The ghost host says again. In front of their buggy stands three ghosts waving their thumbs as they pass. "There's a little matter I forgot to mention. Beware of hitchhiking ghosts! They have selected you to fill our quota, and they'll haunt you until you return! Now I will raise the safety bar, and a ghost will follow you home!"
"Will they really follow us home," Gourry asks following after Lina onto the moving sidewalk.
"Of course not," Lina says. "If anything we might have brought a ghost or two with us. I'm sure they would be happy in a place like that, even if it is fake. Ghost's aren't very smart after all."
"Hurry back! Hurry back!" A miniature bride sings as they pass by and out into the world of day. "Be sure to bring your death certificate . . ."
"Well that's definitely the creepiest ride we've been on," Lina muses as they join Zelgadis and Amelia outside.
"I can't believe they made a ride like that, just to scare people, what about honoring the dead," Amelia says.
"It's a ride," Zelgadis rolls his eyes. Amelia is still clutching his arm for some reason.
"Oh come on Amelia, I bet you want to go one again," Lina offers a mischievous grin. "After all you got pretty close to Zel now didn't you."
Blushing madly the two friends back away from each other. Zelgadis looks at the ground as Amelia's eyes dart at Zelgadis and Lina shyly.
"Where to next?" Gourry asks with an oblivious expression.
In answer to his question they hear a choir of screams followed a loud splash.
Author's Note: Pirates is not one of my favorite rides anymore, but there is a lot to be said for the animatronics in that ride. Just couldn't pass up getting Zelgadis wet more than necessary. It's too easy.
As for the Haunted Mansion, sad to say this, but Leota's head does not float anymore, it was something they did for Disneyland fiftieth Anniversary. Since this is a fan fiction though I can make the head float if I want it to. A little bit of Amelia and Zelgadis action at the end there but that's Haunted Mansion for you.