Dear Diary: The Mistake that is My Life

Dear Diary,

I forgot to mention one tiny little detail last time. It's the reason why it's so awkward between us, and why I don't really have the courage to talk to him. Because he already knows I'm crushing, and have been crushing on him. Then again, I've never really had the courage to talk to him, even though I know he will talk back and be nice to me. Even when he was right there in Algebra 2 or one of the musicals, never have I ever been able to hold a simple conversation because I'm too scared I will say something I shouldn't or something he doesn't want to hear.

I think he found out around the time we entered 9th grade, about five years after we met (which was in fourth grade). I think all that time before ninth grade he had an inkling, but I think he wished to remain ignorant, rather than deal with the truth. I pulled a stunt with leaving him a 'love letter' in his locker with only my initials. I was desperate for love, because living here is the worst thing for a gay guy, because we are so rare here. I've never been loved, and I craved it most of all. Nobody would be stupid enough to not know whose initials they are.

When we entered ninth grade I was emotionally messed up, dealing with depression because the pressure to come out of the closet and face a whole torrent of torment was high. Everyone knew, heck I've known since seventh grade after an incident of seeing nude boys, and actually taking notice. I was put on Abilify but after a severe allergic reaction, that hospitalized me for four days, I refused to take medication and decided to deal with it on my own.

The time passed by us, and wouldn't you know it February 14th was here yet again. I was single, yet again. I pulled a stupid stunt to get his attention, yet again. Oh Diary, could you possible guess what I did?

Now every Valentine's Day I make cards for the people I hold dearest and give them their cards. Well I handed them out like always, but instead of giving him a card in person, I used a passed to go to my locker. It was also signed with only my initials. I walked out into the hallway but I didn't go to mine. I went to his locker and shoved the card into the vent, but it gets worse. I taped fifty Hershey's Kisses to his locker… in the shape… of a heart.

It was passing period when first saw it, and at that time our lockers were on opposite sides of the hall. Get this though Diary, he blushed. He actually blushed at my gesture, but when his friends teased him about it he shrugged it off and collected the kisses. For a moment there Diary I thought I had finally done something right, but as the days passed on and there was still no call, text, or simple email. It was then that I realized that I had failed, at yet another attempt.

-Sigh-

This all leads up to the time I actually told him, told him I like him a lot. I must have been out of my mind, or on some sort of confidence high, because I would have never done that in the right state. It was 11th grade, in algebra II. It was just like any other day in that class; the teacher would preach us on things that aren't important to me, especially when he is in the room. Then we would spend the rest of the time working on homework. However we have mutual friends in that class so when we did get time to do our work, Me, Him, Clove, and Serena would go to the front of the room and sit on the ground. We would all work and help each other while talking. Just. Like. Any. Normal. Day.

So why then, you may ask me Diary, did I tell him? To be truthful I don't even know why, I cannot remember the exact day, but I do know the conversation that started it all was boys. Clove ad Serena were talking about boys in the school and they asked me who all I thought was date-worthy. I listed off a few good men, but I also said his name. Just blurted it out there like it was nothing.

He paused what he was doing and said "Wait, what?"

I must have been real balls that day, because anyone else would have just smoothed it over with a lie, but not me, oh no, not me though. I repeated what I said.

"So you think I'm date worthy?" he asked.

"Oh I think you're much more that date worthy." I said honestly. All the while my subconscious was screaming;

Get a grip boy! He is straight! Say it with me now: Straight. S-T-R-A-I-G-H-T. Straighter than a pencil. Straighter than a bullet fired from a marksmen's sniper. Straighter than the Bering Strait. Ugh, am I even getting through to you Peeta, no? Well f*ck it then, I give up.

He blushed that famous blush I see him do. You know Diary he really is a great guy. He's sweet and charming and the nicest jock you will ever meet. He is smart as well, and when you total all of that together it's called "Damn-near Perfection".

"That's nice." Was all I got from him before he buried himself in his studies again.

Oh Diary, why must I do this to people, myself included. It's like my second nature to make things awkward. Well at least I can't creep you out, you're just a book. But to me you're more than a book I write in. You're a constant companion who is always listening to me, even when I'm not listening to myself. You put up with me, when no one else will/

You know what? I think I love you.

Love Always,

Peeta

I hope you enjoy this story, cuz if you don't I don't give a rats ass, I'm Cher Bitch!

lol jk, i was doing impressions while publishing this chapter.

Please, please, please review!

XoxXx,

Crystal Heartlace

P.S. Don't forget to spread La Mer on your toast in the morning!