AN ; so this is a long, heavy chapter, light on Caryl, heavy on Carick Friendship. I hope this came out right. I've been working this out in my head for awhile. Let me know what you think:)

I do not own or profit from The Walking Dead

Chapter 15

Be humble as the blade of grass that is being trodden underneath the feet. The little ant tastes joyfully the sweetness of honey and sugar. The mighty elephant trembles in pain under agony of sharp goad~ John Ruskin

It's funny how easy it was to slip into old patterns and routines Carol thought. The remainder of the day after the departure of the lieutenant's men had been spent how many other days had been spent.

Rick had slipped back into the leadership role he had so adamantly avoided at the prison, organizing watch, making plans for runs with Glenn and Daryl.

He had asked Carol to make a list of what they had and needed, and she had gone about doing so in her normal competent manner.

Rick and Daryl's friendship seemed to be back on track and Carol was glad. She had no desire for Daryl to hold a grudge on her behalf. She could fight her own battles, she did not need Daryl to do it for her. She knew how important's Rick's friendship was to Daryl, how it had played a part in him becoming the man he was today. She had no desire for that to change. If anything she missed the friendship she and Rick had developed over the years, she mourned the loss of it.

The lieutenant's group had acted as an emotional buffer for the rest of the group. Allowing certain things that needed to be said be pushed aside , but with them gone Carol felt a renewed awkwardness, an uncomfortableness slip over the group.

Carol had been alone in the Kitchen with Jude making supper when Rick popped his head in. He glanced his head around realizing no one else was there before clearing his throat in discomfort and picking up Judith from her blanket on the floor.

"Uh hey Carol, Beth said Jude was here, I'm done of watch , so I can take her if you want."

"If you're free I'm sure she'd love that, Tyreese had her earlier when you were out." She wasn't sure why she added the part about Tyreese. Rick knew Carol had been taking care of Judith since the fall of the prison, but she couldn't seem to get Rick's words out of her head. How he wouldn't want her near his children.

Rick seemed uncomfortable "Carol, we gotta talk..." he said as Maggie and Beth came into the kitchen, obviously overhearing.

"I think that's great idea!" Beth said taking Judith."Me and Maggie will watch Judith and finish supper" she finished practically shooing them out the door.

They settled awkwardly on the stairs of the porch. She could see Daryl down at end of the yard pretending not to watch them. They sat in silence for several long minutes before Rick asked with a grin;

"So what do you think the chances are of me getting an arrow to the ass from that distance?"

Carol felt on uncontrollable snort/giggle escape her throat.

"Just don't stand up and I'm sure you'll be fine" she responded before succumbing to laughter. The laughter seemed to brake the unspeakable tension. They laughed uncontrolably for a few minutes more which seemed to be made worse by the fact Daryl was now openly watching them with curiosity.

When their laughter had quieted Rick reached out and grabbed her hand, his voice thick as he painfully swallowed while he spoke "I'm so sorry."

"No Rick, you have nothing to be sorry for, we both did what we thought was right at the time...but there are some things that I need to say if you're willing to listen?" He nodded.

She knew she should start with Karen and David's death, but she couldn't. "I find it very difficult to talk to you about Sophia's death. You said that day I don't talk about her, but the truth is: I don't talk to you about her. " Rick looked a little surprised.

"I want to make something perfectly clear, I don't blame you at all. I know that day in the woods with Sophia, you did what you thought was best, and I 'm grateful that, ... that it was you, in the end that day at the barn,... but you're so tangled up in my feelings about her death. You were the last person to see her alive, you were the one who ended it. Talking to you...about her...it's so unfair to you Rick but it brings it all back like it just happened yesterday." She stopped for a moment and wiped her eyes "I was so angry in the beginning too. You didn't have to deal with what I was dealing with. Carl lived, and for that I am so grateful, but it was hard to talk to you and Lori in the beginning about Sophia. I could see this look, on your faces, like you were thanking God it wasn't you going through what I was...and I don't blame you for that...but I do talk about her...I talk to Daryl about her, and Beth, and Hershal" her voice broke.

Rick nodded and squeezed her hand his eyes reddened with tears."Tyreese told us that you confessed to him, that had to take a lot of courage... I wish you would have talked to me." He said

"I went down there that day to check on them. Just that, check on them. I was badly shaken up by Patrick turning and attacking the cell block. Ryan dying and leaving me Lizzie and Mika, it was dredging everything up about Sophia. I had kept that pain so tightly bottled up it was ready to pop. All I kept thinking was that I couldn't fail a child again. When I got down to death row David was already dead." Rick head snapped up in shock, she continued on"Karen was suffering- a lot. She didn't have long left. I know I should have waited for her to pass away, but I just acted on instinct. She was suffering and I wanted to end it and I think as I stood there watching her I thought I needed to do it to protect Lizzie and Mika, that I couldn't fail them too. Which was stupid but it made sense at the time. I don't know maybe I have PTSD or something(she snorted) but who doesn't these days right?... You need to know Karen wouldn't have lived to see the meds come, she was too far gone."

"Why didn't you tell my any of this? Why didn't you fight me? Why didn't you defend yourself" Rick's voice raised in irritation and she saw Daryl glance up and give them a hard look but she raised her hand and shook her head slightly letting him know not to intervene. That she was okay.

"I'm not proud of what I did Rick, not at all. You asked me that day if I did it and I said yes, you didn't ask anything else. I couldn't defend what I did, I still can't, I will have to live with it, carry it forever."

"The day I banished you, it wouldn't have taken much to change my mind. I kept glancing in the rear view mirror on my way back to the prison, I told myself it was to make sure you didn't follow me, but I think I was hoping you would...Why didn't you do something to change my mind?"

"I was scared"

Rick glanced up at her intently "I know I wasn't exactly Officer Friendly that day but you had to know I would never have..." He paused looking at her, gulping.

"I do know that, but that day...I don't know, I knew something was up the minute you wanted me to go with you."

He smirked self deprecatingly "yeah I guess it's no secret what I am capable of. I'm the ultimate hypocrite"

"Daryl told me what you did, to save Carl...That doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you a good parent" he glanced up staring at her she squeezed his hand and continued;

"When Ed and I were together, it was bad, really bad... he did things to me I will never be able to talk about, not to anyone, not even Daryl. The thing is, you start to feel like you deserve it, like you must be doing something wrong. I knew something bad was going to happen that day you banished me, and in a way I felt I deserved it, but I didn't want to provoke you into anything worse"

Rick's chest was heaving with deep breaths "I'm sorry, I'm sorry for giving up on you ..." He stopped.

He looked so lost that Carol gave in to the urge to reach out to him. Hugging him tightly. When they separated he gave her a watery smile "You know you don't have to be scared of me right? You know I would trust you with Jude and Carl's life. You're family too Carol. I shouldn't have forgotten that"

"And you know I'm here for you ? We all are. No matter what you think right now, you're a good man. Maybe the second best man I've ever met" she said looking up at Daryl with a grin and continued "You don't have to carry everything alone, and neither do I, we both have to learn that,it needs to be our new motto".

He smiled and then said "The group really does need to meet, Abraham and Rosita and Eugene have watch tonight so maybe then"

" What about Tara?"

"No, I think there are some things about her that need to be addressed, so she might as well be there too...Things won't ever be the way they used to, will they?" He said wrapping his arm around her shoulders.

"No" Carol replied glancing up as Daryl made his way over to them with a soft smile on his face;

"but maybe they will be better."

AN: next chapter will be more Caryl (promise). Two really heavy work days coming up- may be late updating.