CHAPTER TEN
Fainting was never something I wanted my body to become accustomed to. However choosing between fainting and a good old-fashioned ralph, I think I'd chose the less messy of the two. I was awake, keeping my eyes closed and figuring out what had happened. I was waiting for the inevitable soreness to kick in from whatever my body hit when I fell. I remember when I fainted from not eating; I had bruises for days as well as cuts on my face from landing on the asphalt.
"Sweetheart." Edward called for me. I was laying upon our nice comfy bed. I slowly started to open my eyes. Edward looked relieved.
"Hey baby, how are you feeling?"
"Confused." I was still wondering where I fell? I touched my head inspecting it for the formation of a bruise.
"What happened?" It was just best to ask.
"Jacob found you on the stairs, staring and then you suddenly fainted. He caught you."
"Oh…okay." I replied.
"What happened sweetheart?" Edward asked.
I thought back to the moment before I fainted and once again the terror of the idea started to make me sweat.
"Bella, what is wrong?" Edward pushed harder when I hadn't replied.
"Where's my cell phone?" I asked trying to push myself up off the bed.
Edward walked over and picked it up from off the table, he came back to me but he kept a hold of it.
"What happened?" he asked again.
I sighed. "I need to make a call. I just need to talk to somebody."
"Bella, I'm not giving this phone to you, until you tell me what is going on."
It was obvious I wasn't going to placate him. "I want to talk to Justin. I need a favor. I'm sorry I fainted."
"What caused you to faint? There has to be a reason, people just don't faint."
"I was just overwhelmed. Embry wants me to perform a song with him at the American Music Awards being in front of all those people…I was overwhelmed."
"Okay, that was all you needed to say. Why didn't you just say that?"
"Because every time I try to tell anybody around here just how much performing scares me you all tell me that it's no big deal. I never wanted to be in front of a camera, my whole life I wanted to be behind it. So yeah, it is a pretty big deal and no amount of late in life acting courses is going to help. I am terrified but if I am going to pull this off, I need to speak with Justin."
Edward handed me the phone and got up from the bed. "Make your call but I want to talk to you before we go to bed." He replied serious.
Edward left and I started to locate Justin's number in my contacts.
"Hey, it's my favorite little prodigy." Justin answered the phone straight away.
"Hi." I paused. "I need a favor. Like a big favor."
"No, how are you doing, Justin? What have you been up to? How's your life going?" Justin continued to rattle off the usual pleasantries.
"Justin. I need a favor and unfortunately I don't have a lot of time. I am in the middle of working hell. Embry has volunteered us to perform for the American Music Awards at the end of the month. Not only do I have that on my plate but I also have to direct a music video before Thanksgiving and Edward wants me to start planning our wedding. So I apologize for not bull shitting with you but I need you. You're the only person I know who could help me pull off what I have envisioned. I need your choreography expertise." I tried to throw a little ego stroking in there to help me out.
"All right B, no need to get worked up. When do you want me to come by?" he replied and I exhaled happy that I had one problem working itself out.
Edward was right about one thing, I needed to start organizing my time. I decided to work on the AMA performance on Saturday and Sunday and then work on the music video Monday through Friday. The wedding planning will just have to wait until December.
I stopped by Savannah and Gracie's room since I still hadn't even had the chance to say hello.
"Hi girls."
"Mommy." Gracie dropped her game controller and ran over. Savannah was reading on her bed and got up as well.
"Are you okay? We saw Uncle Jacob carrying you like Snow White up the stairs." Savannah asked.
"I'm fine. I just got dizzy." I tried to shake it off.
"Are you pregnant? Molly's mom is pregnant and she said that she gets dizzy and barfs and sleeps a lot." Gracie asked.
"Oh child, please don't jinx me." I laughed. "No. I'm not pregnant."
I went to sit on Savannah's bed to hang out for a little.
"If you and Uncle Edward have a baby will I get to be a big sister?" Gracie asked.
"Well…yes but that's not going to happen for a long while." I replied.
"How long is a long while?" Savannah asked.
"I don't know; three to five years." I knew Edward would never allow that to happen but the last thing I needed was for these two to ask me every time they saw me.
"Wow. Aren't you going to be kind of old?" Savannah said.
"What? I'm only twenty-three; even if I wait five years then I'll only be twenty-eight." I swatted Savannah with a pillow.
"Molly said that when you kiss that's where babies come from." Gracie relayed.
I paused for a moment. Did I really want to go into the whole baby talk now? "Yes. Yes, that's how it works. No kissing." I pointed my finger at both of them.
"Hey, dinner's ready." We could hear Jacob yelling from downstairs and I was happy to be saved from further conversation.
When I arrived downstairs, Edward was placing food on the table. He looked up at me and I could tell he was still a tad bit hurt from earlier when he came back to the kitchen, I pulled him to me.
"Hey, I'm sorry about earlier. I was just completely overwhelmed. I'm sorry." I apologized.
"It's okay." I pulled him in for a quick kiss.
"Uncle Edward, you have to wait three to five years before mommy can be pregnant." Gracie recited. Edward pulled away from me and I cringed.
"Three to five years?" he asked pointedly.
"Gracie, this isn't the type of kissing that gets a woman pregnant." I replied.
"I don't know. It's the type of kissing that can lead to getting a girl pregnant." Jacob joked.
"Jacob!" I shook my head at him menacingly.
"What have you been telling her?" Embry asked.
I went and sat down. "Well when you want to have the talk, be my guest."
"Three to five years!" Edward said again.
"Well talk about it later." Oh geez, look what my mouth has done now.
Embry was the first to change the subject at the dinner table and after that everyone felt more at ease. Well, all but Edward. You could tell that he was still fighting with the three to five-year concept over at his chair. I didn't want to look at him until I could explain properly but I tried to catch side glances to see if he had relaxed at all but he hadn't.
Edward disappeared after dinner clean up and I was afraid that he was really stewing over this. I didn't want to get in a fight with him right now especially over this but I have to admit I was starting to feel worried about what would happen when I finally went upstairs and confronted him.
Prolonging the inevitable there was something I needed to discuss with Embry; so I took the opportunity after dinner to do so.
"Hey, before you run off; I want to talk to you about something first." I stopped Embry.
"Sure, what is it?" he replied.
"Well, I know that the girls are on home school right now but a month is a long time to be out of school, not that I don't love having them here."
"Actually I was thinking of staying longer." He said uneasily. "Lately, I have been thinking that maybe the best thing for all of us is if we were to just move here."
I stepped back in shock, "Are you serious?"
"Since my wife died it's been hard but then when we are here, it doesn't feel as hard. I wanted to talk to you about it because…" he sighed. "I think I really do need your help. Savannah and Gracie are getting to an age where they really do need a woman or mother influence."
"I…I don't know what to say. I would love having you all closer. Are you really going to be able to walk away from New York so easily? I know how much you love your home."
"B, I haven't lived or been a part of New York City in so long. You see where I live. I live out in the suburbs which I did mainly to protect my kids and give them more of a normal lifestyle. I can always visit and go back someday but I think what's best for everyone is if we moved here for a little while. The girls could attend school here and maybe even have some sense of regularity."
I walked over and gave Embry a big hug, "This is like the best news I have had in a long while. Thank you."
Embry smiled, "No. Thank you."
After our little chat I told Embry that I expected him to be ready to work on Saturday's and Sunday's since that was the only time I could allow for him. Justin was going to be coming over tomorrow to start and since my little vacay I needed to work in sometime to focus on the video as well.
I opened the door slowly, like I was expecting a ghost to jump out any moment. Edward was sitting on our bed working on his laptop. I started to walk toward the bed but the coward in me steered toward the bathroom.
"Three to five years?" his question stopped me at the doorway to our bathroom. I turned around slowly.
"I didn't mean it. The girls asked me and I just gave them an answer so that they wouldn't keep asking all the time. I already know you would never actually let me get away with three to five years, Edward."
"I'm not going to force you to have a baby, Bella." He said offended. "If you never want to have children, then I guess that is something I will just have to live with." He closed his laptop and got up out of our bed and walked out on our balcony. He was one pissed off mister.
I didn't know what to say. I knew we would eventually have to talk about the timeline for having a baby and it was something we both felt strongly about. I didn't mean I never wanted to have a child, I just wanted to have a few years to dedicate my life to my job before integrating a baby into this life. Does that make me a bad person?
Music video. AMA performance. Two Albums. Wedding. Baby.
I fear I was headed toward a major breakdown. I sat down on the bed my breathing was getting deeper and tears started to cascade down my cheeks.
Music video. AMA performance. Two Albums. Wedding. Baby.
I just needed to breathe. I felt suffocated. I needed to work. Get my mind off of things.
I jumped up and ran out of the room, down the stairs and out the door.
I jumped into the BMW and without a thought in mind I just drove. I eventually ended up at Warner Bros. It was late so I was completely undisturbed. I went over to my desk and started to work on the music video. If I could scratch one thing off my list then maybe I could feel a little reprieve.
I don't know how long I worked. At some point I knew I needed to lie down for a moment because my work became sloppy and my ideas loopy. I knew I should just go and use Edward's side room but I was afraid I would fall asleep and I only needed a small cat nap so I settled for laying my head down on my desk. My desk wasn't nearly as uncomfortable as one would think. I had loads of paperwork spread out and that helped with the padding.
I awoke with a jolt as I realized I had slept more than I had intended. I looked around for my phone to find the time but I must have left it at home. I tapped my mouse and my computer started up. 8:50 AM.
I sighed. I had a feeling that I would have one worried fiancé to contend with when I got home but Justin was going to be there around ten this morning to start working so I guess I better get home so I can get over this little talk Edward was surly going to want before I started with Justin and Embry. It's funny because for a brief moment I thought that me staying out all night would surly warrant punishment but then that thought went away with relief. In the old days there would be no doubt about what I would receive when I arrived home but now I didn't know what would happen and that thought was frightening to me.
I crept in from the garage to find Jacob sitting at the table with a bowl of cereal.
"Well look who's doing the walk of shame?"
I rolled my eyes. "I didn't sleep with anyone last night."
"Oh don't I know it. Edward was up pestering me all night. Thank you very much." Jacob replied.
"Is he mad?" I felt like a kid.
"Probably but I think he was more worried about you however now that your home; I would say that the worriment will have turned."
"Where is he?" I asked looking around.
"His office. He's been on the phone all night."
I exhaled and started to walk toward his office.
"Good luck." Jacob shouted after me and then muttered, "You're gonna need it."
Thanks Jake I thought with irritation.
I slide the door open slowly, Edward had been in the corner looking out over the yard when he turned to see me he exhaled in relief.
"Sorry." I whispered unable to find anything else to say.
Edward walked over to the couch and sat down placing his head in his hands. Tentatively I walked over and sat a couple places away from him.
"Bella." Edward never finished his thought. I couldn't tell just what he was thinking.
"I'm sorry…I just needed to get away for a little while. You have no idea what kind of pressure I am under right now. I couldn't add one more thing. I never said I didn't want to have a baby with you. I just…"
"Bella, I understand that you are stressed. I'm not asking for a baby right now but in the future will you at least have the courtesy of telling me where you are going? Calling me? Anything?" He groaned out in frustration. "You have no idea what it feels like to not be able to locate the person you love. I highly doubt you would be fine with me just walking out and spending the night doing god knows what."
He was right. I would feel positively sick. "It wasn't my intention to spend the whole night out. I went to the office and tried to get some work done and I must have fallen asleep. I…I'm just trying to get through this video and performance and then I will focus on your wedding and your baby. Please just give me some time."
"My wedding? My baby?" he questioned irritated.
"I didn't mean it like that."
Edward got up from the couch and started to head toward the door.
"Yes you did."
"Edward, please." I begged but he left anyway.
I sat on the couch crying for a moment. I think my life was easier when he would just punish me and be done with it. I was so exhausted, mentally and physically.
Be strong Bella Swan. Swallow your feelings and move on. I wiped the tears from my eyes and rose up. All I needed to do was place my focus into something else.
"Justin." I went over and greeted my lifeline. Justin was talking to Embry in the kitchen.
"Hey, let's get the party started." He announced.
"Why don't we go out to my office." I gestured for Justin to go out the patio doors.
"Hey, are you okay?" Embry asked quietly.
Smile and nod. "Never better."
He didn't look too convinced but he didn't say anything.
When we reached the couches in the guest house I sat down and started explaining my vision.
"Okay, so this is my idea. Embry song is about wanting to change places with another person so that he can essentially get rid of his problems for a little while but he realizes when he changes places that the person he changed places with has just as many problems as he does. I start off the song and my thought would be to start off sitting on the stairs that lead up to the stage. I will sing my part and then Embry's rap portion begins. Embry will be sitting in the audience down the aisle; the first portion of his rap will be with him walking down the aisle and when he gets to me, he will sit beside me and we will change shoes. Symbolic that we are changing lives. This is where your choreography is going to come in. I want us to be completely synchronized. Every move I make, he makes but we won't be able to see each other. There will be a wall that separates us on stage and we will both go through the motions of being inside our own individual "apartments" going through our problems. During the final hook we will come out and switch back our shoes, taking back our own problems. It's going to be tough but I think it could be powerful."
"I don't know B, I'm not much of a dancer." Embry looked worried.
"It will be a cross between Hip hop and Crunk. It will be so exact the hard part won't be the dance as much as it will be to be completely in sync. We're not going to do any difficult moves." I answered.
"I can do this. I am already getting ideas. Let me go home and work this out and tomorrow I will come and go through it with you. I just need the song." Justin said.
"Great. You have no idea how much this will help me out. Thank you, Justin. You're a life saver." I hugged him hard. This man was the most beautiful thing right now. Someone to help me with my problems, not create more.
Embry took Justin into the house and got him a copy of the song. It only took an hour for that meeting so now I just needed to focus on the video. Before I could focus I tried to sneak upstairs to spy on Edward and see what he was doing.
He was passed out in our bed and I couldn't take my eyes off of him. Why was I having trouble grasping the things he wanted? Of course I wanted to get married but I am stressed out over the fact that he wanted to get married in less than three months. He wanted a honeymoon baby and I am scared that my career would have to be put on hold…to be completely honest I am terrified of pregnancy. I had seen enough movies and heard stories of how horribly uncomfortable and painful it could all be. I was a horrible person, wasn't I? I could only focus on the pain. I knew growing up that it was an inevitable thing I would probably have to go through. That's just what you are expected to do. Grow up, get married and have babies. I wanted a baby but I was scared.
Edward stirred and slowly opened his eyes. Our eyes met momentarily and I turned to leave.
"Bella." He called out.
I turned around and slowly walked back.
"I don't want to fight with you." He said softly.
"Me neither. I am sorry."
He reached out for me and I complied by placing my hand in his. He pulled me down to the bed and I joined him in bed. He pulled me to him and wrapped himself around me, kissing my neck.
"Edward, you know how we used to do that thing where I would tell you something and then you would tell me something?"
"You mean when we would have a conversation?" he replied playing along.
"Yeah."
"What kind of conversation would you like to have today?" he asked.
"Well, I…I kind of feel overwhelmed. I just thought I should tell you. That's all."
"Sweetheart, I mean it. We don't have to talk about babies right now."
We laid in silence for a couple of minutes.
"I'm scared." I whispered. "I thought I should tell you that too."
Edward perked up. "What scares you, baby?"
"I feel like a horrible person." I started to cry.
"Honey, please tell me what's wrong." He turned me on my back to face me.
"I'm scared."
"Scared of what?" he pushed.
"I'm scared of having a baby. I am terrified of pain; you know that better than anyone that I don't do well with pain. Then after I have it, what if I drop it? What if I don't do something right and I fuck up our child? Gracie and Savannah are the perfect ages. Can't we just adopt?"
Edward started petting my head. "Baby, it will be okay."
"How do you know that? You don't know that? What if you leave me because I fuck up our child?"
"Bella, look at me. You are a great mother and there is no doubt in my mind that you will be a great mother to our children someday. What you are feeling is completely natural but when the time comes I will be by your side the whole way. I will be so there for you, you may be irritated by my presence." He smiled.
I nodded my head. "But you promise that you'll make sure that they don't stick that big ass needle in my back, right?" Thinking of that nasty epidural that plagued my nightmares.
Edward laughed a little, "Well if you want to have a natural birth then I will respect that but from what I hear you may be begging for the drugs before the hour is out."
"Edward don't scare me." I admonished him.
He leaned down and kissed me some more. "Let's go to sleep, sweetheart."
"I need to work on that video. I can't afford to lay down." I said trying to get up.
"Bella, how much sleep did you get last night?" He said holding me to him.
"I don't know a couple of hours."
"Exactly, we need to rest. I'll set the alarm for three o'clock."
"Edward, I can't." I tried to fight him a little.
"Isabella, you can and you will. Just because I won't punish you anymore doesn't mean I still don't expect certain things from you and I still expect you to have a healthy lifestyle and that includes getting enough rest."
It was the first time that Edward had spoken to me with this kind of authority. I knew he wouldn't punish me if I were to go against his wishes but part of me sensed that if I didn't do as he requested that would lead to another fight and as I recently learned; punishment was sometimes far better than fighting.
I sighed and allowed Edward to continue to hold me until we both fell asleep.
"Savannah, your birthday is coming up; have you thought about what you want?" I asked while preparing a salad for dinner that evening. Edward was making spaghetti.
"Christmas!" Gracie yelled.
"Yes, Christmas but also your sister's birthday." I replied. I felt bad that she was born on the biggest holiday of the year. That had to suck growing up. I made it my mission to make her feel special that day.
"Um…well I was thinking of asking Santa to combine my birthday and Christmas gift into one really great gift." She said shyly.
"Okay, what were you thinking about?"
"I was…thinking about maybe seeing if I could have a movie camera."
"Really, Savannah? That sounds like a great gift." Edward replied probably relieved she didn't ask for a puppy.
"You know what I want for Christmas?" Gracie piped up.
Spoke too soon.
"A puppy." She cheered.
Edward looked to me. "Well, I don't know if Santa is licensed to carry live stock?"
Gracie looked confused. I couldn't help but laugh at Edward's explanation.
We all sat down at the table for dinner and looking around at the six faces that surrounded me; there was a peace that came over me and I realized that I had one of the best support systems and knowing they were behind me was enough for me to conquer anything.
AN: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU FOR READING AND REVIEWING. I will be leaving for comic con on Wednesday and will try to update before I go. My husband and I go for business so unfortunately it wont be nearly as fun; however I am hoping to make it to a couple panels this year. Not sure if anyone else is going, if you are Happy Comic Con and may the odds be ever in your favor.