Author's note:

After watching last night's episode I was wondering what went through Monroe's head. And this is my take on it.

Enjoy

p.s: Sorry I had to repost this...I forgot the seperation lines!

I had no choice but to go with them. I couldn't let Charlie and Rachel go out there alone. If it wouldn't be for them I would have waited a little longer. Maybe Miles run into some trouble and he is running behind schedule.

After all this is Miles Matheson we are talking about; he always makes it out alive.

Can't Rachel just shut up and trust me? I know how Miles thinks in situations like this. I have known him longer than she has. She is winging and whining and it is driving me crazy.

I am not sure if I should believe my own words. Rachel is right; there is a lot of blood on the inside of his jacket and no trace of him anywhere. I just hope he found somewhere where he can take care of that wound. I don't even want to think about what this could mean if we don't find him.

I am also worried about Neville finding Charlie. I would have preferred her staying at the camp, but she does what she wants anyways, so I didn't waste my breath.

If I let anything happen to her Miles is going to have my head when he gets back. If Neville finds out that Charlie pulled the trigger and killed Jason, he is going to do worse to her. As much as Neville bad talks Jason, he loves him just as much.

(The next bits are his thoughts between finding the jacket and two days later)

The next day

We looked for him all day and night yesterday and nothing. Not one trace of Miles. Charlie tried to follow the trail again but they just disappeared. Miles is good at covering his tracks but he isn't that good. It is impossible that he just vanished from the face of the earth.

Our relationship is difficult, but we are working at it. At least I'd like to think so. Maybe he will join me and Connor in the new Monroe republic. We sure as hell would be better at running the state than these Patriots.

Without speaking a word with each other, Rachel and I prep our bags and guns to go out. We have come to some silent agreement, where we work together to find Miles, but afterwards it will be like it was before.

As much as I hate to admit it, Rachel is right. I can't be alone. It is my worst nightmare. Since we were children it was always Miles and me against the world. School, Army and even after the blackout, we were always one unit, nothing got between us.

Then the Monroe Republic happened and well we all know where that led us.

Losing my whole family in one go hit me hard. I am afraid that someone else I care about will die, if I am not around. I suppose that's why I couldn't kill Miles. I think of him as my brother. If he is dead I sure as hell would be alone in this hell whole we call earth.

I want to be part of what Rachel, Charlie and Miles have. I hoped to get that with my own son, but I am not sure if I am succeeding. Those three have a bond and I am a little jealous of it. They are a family, a dysfunctional one, but a family nevertheless.

I look around and see Rachel and Charlie all packed up and ready to go. I shoulder my bag and we walk off silently. We have decided to extend the perimeter today. Maybe he has gone further than we thought!

We stop just a couple of times during the day to have something to eat and drink, but apart from that we search tirelessly. We still haven't spoken more than necessary.

As Charlie got back to the camp yesterday, she was a little shaken up, but didn't say word. She told us this morning that Neville found her yesterday after we split up. She also revealed that she is here just because Neville's clip was empty. This tells me she got lucky. I will need to keep a closer eye on her while Miles is gone. Can't have Neville coming back with a full clip!

Rachel tried to fuss over her, but Charlie was having none of it. She seems to want to deal with all of it by herself.

We get back to the camp as it is already dark, without Miles. Still no trace of him.

Miles has been missing for two day. The chance that he is still alive is very slim, unless he somehow managed to take care of his injury. But I will continue looking for him until we find him, dead or alive!

The sun has just risen and we are leaving soon. I am worried. I can't do this without Miles. Rachel and I would bud heads constantly; Charlie would continue doing whatever she wants and Connor and I probably would end up killing every patriot child soldier.

We all need Miles to keep us grounded. He is our middle man. I suppose he is also the only one who can keep me in check. Without him around, things can turn ugly pretty fast.

I need my best friend back!