Don't take that sinner from me

Chapter 10: I'm sorry

A/N: I own nothing except my mistakes. And thank you all so much for all the incredibly sweet reviews! I really appreciate everything so much, and am so glad to hear that you all enjoy it as much as I do. I'm also very excited to know that I reached 100 followers before chapter 10! That's amazing! Thank you!

The last two school days had been passing rather smoothly. The students were still deeply disturbed by their mental images, and for once Hermione had the joy of studying in complete silence once again in the library.

The only unfortunate thing that happened was that Malfoy had seemed to return to his old self, and had even cornered her when she had returned from the library and was making her way to the Great Hall for dinner. "Not a word to anyone about what you saw." He had threatened her, having held a wand to her chest. Unimpressed by his threat, she had simply rolled her eyes and straightened up after recovering from her surprise by suddenly being thrown into the wall.

"I'll keep silent as long as you do the same, Malfoy." He had seemed hesitant, but reluctantly nodded as he strode away.

Now, the castle was as good as deserted as most of the students had left for home at Saturday morning. Harry and Ron had insisted on accompanying her when they found out she had to stay because of her marriage, but she had talked them out of it and reminded them that Snape would most likely hex their arse off if they stepped even one foot into his quarters, where she'd be spending most of her time due to things they had to take care of before the holidays ended.

Although, not wanting to completely bore herself to death as she was sprawled out on the leather couch in the drawing room of Snape's quarters, she had practically begged Dumbledore to borrow his book on the enchantment. Lending her the book on the condition she treated the book with ultimate care, she was now carefully skimming the pages and it didn't brighten her mood in the slightest.

Dark stories came forth the more she read, and upon reading certain pages twice, she discovered several double meanings behind sentences as well. Yet, she wasn't quite sure what to believe and what exactly the meaning was.

Her finger traced over the title of the next page, lingering on it until she decided to read it:

Journal entry of P. Gillespie

I have tried my hardest – I honestly have. But I can't take this any longer.

What do I care if I die in the process of killing him? A lot, that I do know. Not for my own well-being, but for his. How come I am pushing myself away so hard, only to be pulled back even harder? It's like a battle I'm unable to win, fighting my own shadows that can't even be scared away by the light.

How is it that he makes me want to come back, the moment I've left him?

He's evil, they say. But people don't seem to understand – don't seem to care.

I know the things he did.. but I can't turn away from him..

He changes me, and I know I'm changing him too.

Both for the better and the worse, the good and the bad..

No matter how hard I try, I can't run away.. I can't turn my back on him..

For he is everything I've always hated, for he is everything I will always love..

- January 29, 1901

Hermione stared at the page for what felt like hours, not being able to understand what the woman was trying to say. Her mind was running wild on the last sentence: For he is everything I've always hated, for he is everything I will always love.. What exactly was that supposed to mean? How was that even possible?

"Hermione, if you wish to take use of my private quarters, at least have the decency to sit like a normal human being." Hermione got ripped out of her thoughts by her husband's voice and cleared her throat awkwardly as she hurried to sit up straight.

Snape eyed the book she was holding, and Hermione quickly shut it, placing it firmly on her lap and folded her arms over it in a casual manner. She knew that he would know what was in that book, but she did not feel the slightest bit up to it to explain why she was reading it.

Understanding her silent suggestion, he decided not to press the matter and cleared his throat. "Follow me," He said and Hermione placed the book beside her on the couch, deciding on taking it with her to her room once they were done.

Walking with him to the Potions classroom, she took her usual seat near the window and embraced the incantation she knew would come. Over the past few days, she had shown some progress as she was able to shut him out for a longer period of time, and although he hid it very well, he had seemed unable to control the curving of his lips that hinted his smile.

Today was not any different as she focused solemnly on her breathing, watching the flickering of the candle flame. An absolute calm rested over her body as she focused all her energy on those two things, neither resisting nor accepting any thoughts as she was firmly planted in the presence.

For over ten minutes long she felt him trying to intrude her mind, waiting for her walls to break down. When it showed that it wouldn't, she felt the tormenting poking leave her head and not bothering to hide her grin, she looked at the man in front of her. "I did it!" She exclaimed blissfully.

She watched him excitedly as his black eyes glittered in the candlelight, the right corner of his mouth tucking and forming into a half smile. It might not seem like much, but she knew that he felt the satisfaction as well.

"I am pleased to say you did indeed. However, we're not there yet. Your mind is still feeble when encountered with dangerous events." Hermione pouted and stood up, "Don't take away my fun, Severus."

He let out an amused laugh and raised an eyebrow as he rested his features. "Just stating the truth, Hermione. Even though you have succeeded the first step, you still have a long way to go until you are ready to confidently face the Dark Lord." Hermione sighed, realizing he was right.

"The headmaster has asked me to teach you a couple of other things as well in this vacation." Snape went on and Hermione raised an eyebrow this time. "Like what?" She took in the distance between each other; he was standing a good few feet away from her, as if afraid to come any closer.

This intrigued Hermione, and she took a cautious step forward, examining his response. "The Occlumency lessons will continue per usual, but the headmaster has asked me to guide you through the Patronus casting as well as helping you in espionage." His words had trailed off and his speech turned slower as his face became puzzled, yet, he did not move.

"With my Patronus? But I thought I was now able to successfully conjure it?" Hermione asked confused. "That was before you faced the Dark Lord himself. We'll be merely testing how well you do now." Snape stated and she nodded in approval. "And the espionage? What am I supposed to do there?"

Snape decided not to answer that as he went on, "Tomorrow after breakfast we shall start the espionage lessons. As for the Occlumency lessons, we shall continue those per usual." Hermione nodded but then realized he left one thing out. "What about the Patronus?"

"We shall include that in tomorrow's lesson once, for it's not our main priority. It's of more importance that you learn the rest first." Hermione nodded in understanding and glimpsed at the clock, that showed it was nearing nine in the evening. "Can I go?" Snape nodded and she said her goodbye, which he did not return.

Having entered the quarters once more, she grabbed the book of the leather couch and walked into her bedroom with a tired sigh. Carefully placing the book on her nightstand, she grabbed a new set of pajamas out of her wardrobe.

Leaving her bedroom once more, she made her way over to the bathroom, locking it and turning the shower on as she placed her pajamas near the sink.

Stripping out of her clothes, she gratefully welcomed the warmth of the water as it hit her body. Stretching slightly to close the shower curtains, she closed her eyes as she let her body relax. A soft sigh escaped her lips as she realized what she was working on with Snape.

It was all for the purpose of preparing herself to be a successful Death Eater. She scoffed at that thought and scrubbed her body extra hard with some soap, in the hopes of washing her disgust off. For days she had been wondering why Voldemort would accept a mudblood as his follower. It wasn't uncommon for him to permit someone their loyalty towards him and not have him give them the Dark Mark. So why didn't he do the same with her?

But she knew why. Blood status had been pushed a place lower as his need for the death of Harry Potter had expansed. He needed her more than he would let on, if he wanted to succeed in killing Harry. And the only way he would ensure her loyalty, was to mark it.

Not like that was true, but that was a thing he didn't need to know. She was at least grateful that Snape's demeanour had changed somewhat. He still had his comments, but at least he kept it less snarky and that made it a lot more bearable.

Hermione shuddered as the shivers crept down her spine when her feet came in contact with the cold floor as she had turned the shower off. Quickly drying herself with a drying charm, she pulled on her white long sleeved shirt and put on her light grey sweatpants.

As she brushed her teeth, she admired how her hair had become less bushier compared to her previous years. The waves were still there, but her hair had seemed to thin out a bit, giving her a less crazy look.

Finishing her teeth, she pulled her hair up into a pony tail and grabbed her discarded clothes off the floor, throwing them in the black basket that stood in a corner. The clothes immediately vanished to a room Hermione didn't have a clue of. Yet, she was very well aware that the house elves would be cleaning her clothes.

Normally she'd be washing her own clothes, but with all the chaos in her life, she decided she needed every bit of rest she could get and so with a heavy heart she had been allowing the house elves to do the job for her.

Another huge benefit she got out of mastering Occlumency, besides the fact that she would reduce the risk of being brutally murdered, was that she had little difficulty of falling asleep as she at last managed to control her overflowing thoughts.

Yawning, she stretched as she tried to find out whether it was still night or morning ever since she had fallen asleep. Unable to see it through the windows, she opted for her alarm clock on her nightstand and groaned when she saw it was only eight in the morning.

After cuddling with her cat for a while, she decided it was about time to get out of bed so she could head to breakfast. Pulling on a warm white sweater and some dark blue jeans, she brushed her hair briefly as she put on her sneakers, grabbed her bag and left for the Great Hall.

At weekends, and presumably holidays, they never waited for one another for one might be up later or earlier than the other. It was for that reason that she already found him sitting at the staff's table where only three other teachers were seated: Professor McGonagall, Professor Flitwick and Professor Sprout.

As for the students, most Slytherins had left for home, although there was a small group of second years that were quietly conversing in the eerily quiet Hall. A couple of Hufflepuff's and Ravenclaw's had come together, and to her surprise, there were only two left from Gryffindor.

Taking a seat at the end of the Gryffindor's table, she took out the book she had stuffed into her bag. Absentmindedly she started nibbling on her piece of toast as her brows furrowed upon reading all the stories of people.

The fate of the appointed couple truly did differ per couple. Some had died because the other couldn't take it anymore, and the other had learned to deal with it and lived a remotely happy life. She was only hoping that fate would have a better plan for her and Snape than death.

"It might do well to actually eat, Miss Granger." A voice whispered in her ear and she stirred as she only now noticed the arms that were seated at either side of her on the table. He had her caged as he had leaned over her, his face brought to her ear.

She looked to her right, only missing his lips by an inch as she tried to cover up her surprise by a smile. "Not to worry, I will." She sweetly said and turned her head back to her plate as he straightened himself again.

Quickly she chewed her piece of toast and took a sip of her pumpkin juice as she was well aware of him standing behind her, waiting rather impatiently as the sound of his tapping foot echoed around the room.

She dropped the book into her bag and stood up from the bench, following her teacher and colliding into him once they were out of the Great Hall and had walked up a few marble stairs.

His face looked blank as he grabbed her by the shoulders and turned her around, "That way." Snape said and moved past her and swiftly walked up the marble stairs. Frowning, she followed him all up to the third floor.

When they arrived at the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom, she couldn't help but laugh. "Anything to laugh about, Miss Granger?" Snape asked and Hermione chuckled, shaking her head. "Nothing at all, Professor. Except perhaps for the fact that we're occupying an entire classroom for a lesson that we could simply do in the dungeons."

"What is so different about this classroom than the Potions classroom?" Hermione's smile fell as she realized her mistake. The Potions classroom had always seemed so much like an office to her, that she hadn't been realizing they were using an actual classroom for her Occlumency lessons as well.

Snape smirked smugly and pointed at a seat in the front. "Sit down." With a sigh, she put her bag next to the table and sat herself down on the chair, feeling oddly out of place with her normal clothing in a classroom.

"We'll be taking use of this classroom for our espionage and Patronus lessons." He informed her and walked up to the front, turning swiftly around once he had reached it and looked at her with his piercing black eyes.

"The utmost important thing of espionage, is playing your part. This means that some acting skills are required." Snape walked slowly closer to her desk, and in one swift move, he had grabbed the chair from next to her and placed it in front of her seat.

"As I have observed your acting these past few weeks, I have come to the conclusion that once you're taken by surprise, your act falls apart." Snape calmly went on as he took his seat, now eye level with her as he firmly held eye contact.

"What you need to do, is learn to expect the unexpected." He said and with a flick of his wand, a spider suddenly appeared in front of her. It didn't scare her for she didn't have the fear for spiders like Ron did, but it most certainly did take her by surprise.

"Control your facial expressions, Miss Granger." Snape said and made the spider disappear once again. He rose from his seat and paused right when he was behind her, lowering his head once more to her ear. "I, along with many other Death Eaters and the Dark Lord himself, noticed your discomfort when he came this close to you. You're lucky he thrives on people's fear." His voice was a cold whisper, but even though he sounded stern, she knew it was with the best of his intentions.

"Even now you seem unable to compose yourself." He lowly whispered and then retreated, taking his seat in front of her once more. "Anyone would feel taken by surprise if someone would suddenly be whispering in their ear, sir." Hermione defended and Snape's features hardened. "Only fools who are incapable of controlling their own bodies are exposed to that weakness."

Hermione's features hardened as those words escaped his mouth. "I am not a fool. And I am most certainly not weak." She hissed and glared at her teacher as he nastily smiled. "Then prove it." Snape challenged and Hermione focused her concentration on the present moment once more, taking his words to heart: expect the unexpected.

Even though it took all her willpower to not flinch, she tried to keep a straight face as he conjured a resemblance of the Dark Lord, existing out of mist that came roaring towards her without her knowing that he casted it.

A twisted smile appeared on his lips as the puff of smoke went up in thin air and he simply sat there staring at her. Figuring he must say something, she kept quiet. Until after a couple of minutes she started to feel beyond uncomfortable, and broke the silence herself. "Sir, what-" But he interrupted her.

"Second lesson, learn to look at your opponent without questioning their motives and without giving yourself away." He never broke his eye contact as he said this, his face remained unchanged. Without saying another word, she fixed her gaze back on his, finding it extremely difficult to not look away or display any emotion as his cold, black eyes stared at her.

A sneer fell on his lips, his voice cold as he spoke: "You're trying too hard, Granger. Loosen up a bit, and try not to forget to breathe, will you? It won't do anyone much good if you end up killing yourself because of lack of oxygen." Snape said and Hermione released the breath she had no idea she was holding and took his advice on breathing. It indeed wouldn't do either party much good if she accidentally ended up killing herself.

After what felt like a long while, he finally broke the silence once more, muttering something under his breath she couldn't quite hear. "We're done for today, tomorrow we shall continue." Snape said and abruptly stood up, using his wand to place the chair back as he walked out of the classroom.

Hermione sighed and picked up her bag, feeling rather uncomfortable in the completely deserted classroom and made her way to the library, where she was happy to escape the few people that were left in the classroom, along with the pressure of being able to do something she had no experience in at all.

Instead, she let herself be comforted by the many books around her, granting her more knowledge than she'd probably ever need. Taking the first book of the shelf that she saw, she made herself comfortable on one of the chairs that were seated in front of the bookshelves and started to read.

"Of course I'd find you here." Hermione jumped up from one of her books, placing it quickly on the large pile that had formed and wheeled around to see the dark outline of her husband. "You're late." He sneered and Hermione quickly glanced at the clock that hung on the wall, her eyes widening to the point they looked as if they might pop out.

She had been reading all day without her knowing, and even managed to miss dinner. At the thought of that, her stomach gave an embarrassingly loud growl and she groaned as she used her wand to quickly let the books float back to their respective places.

"I'm so sorry, I completely forgot the time." Hermione apologized as she quickly rose out of her seat, taking her bag with her in the process. "I can see that." He said and she quickly followed him to the Defence Against the Dark Arts once more.

He beckoned for her to come closer to the front of the classroom, making her stand still in front of the desk as he pointed his wand at the drawer. Without any warning, Voldemort slithered out of the drawer, coming to a halt when he was just in front of her, that same nasty smile tugging on his lips.

It was difficult for her to come back to her senses, but after a good few seconds of gaping at the murderous man in front of her, she rose her own wand as she produced the Patronus charm. She was surprised it worked, for it normally was only used on Dementors, but then again, she figured Snape must have messed with it to suit their lessons.

"That flicker of hesitation would be your death, Miss Granger." Snape spoke from behind her and she turned around with a fiery look in her eyes. "In a real situation, I wouldn't need to rely on my Patronus to defend myself from Voldemort." A dangerous light flickered in Snape's eyes, as his voice turned eerily cold. "Do not speak of his name."

She was suddenly falling to the floor as ropes tightened around her body. With a shock, she realized that Snape had done more mingling to the boggart, as it was the one having cast the spell. How exactly he had managed to achieve such a thing, she didn't really want to know. It would undoubtedly have something to do with Dark Magic.

Remembering the reason why they were doing this, she stretched her fingers and bit on her lip in frustration as she tried to reach for her fallen wand, realizing all too well that it wouldn't be long before the boggart would make another move.

After some squirming, her fingers had finally gotten a hold of the wand and she quickly got rid of the ropes, turning on her back and was just in time to shout "Riddikulus" and was glad to find he hadn't mingled with that spell. Then, for the sake of their practice, she non-verbally conjured a Patronus and added a message to it, guiding the Patronus to her husband as that was the first person she needed to contact.

When the misty tiger had given her message to her teacher, she hissed as she rubbed her painful wrists that were bruised from the tightened ropes. "Good to know that's one last thing we need to worry about." He spoke and Hermione sighed in relief, being quite done herself with all the endless Patronus's she had to produce of the past few weeks. As well as hating the silent reminder of her replaced Patronus.

Snape had gotten rid of the boggart in his drawer, and they both walked their way to the dungeons, where he stopped her from entering the quarters by holding an arm in front of her where she, of course, had to walk into. He nodded wordlessly to his desk and was surprised to see a plate with sandwiches on it, along with a cup filled with pumpkin juice.

She smiled gratefully at him as she took her seat at one of the chairs in front of the desk and began to eat eagerly, wanting to silence her growling stomach. Snape rummaged through one of his potions, and she averted her eyes to the window, that held no view at all for her as they were currently positioned under the Hogwarts lake.

A shifting sound of a chair caught her attention and she focused her eyes on her husband sitting across her. He was looking at her, his features softened and held no trace of his earlier cold attitude. "Why did you ask for a feeling instead of a memory?" Snape suddenly spoke, his voice intrigued as he eyed her. Hermione's eyebrows shot up in surprise as she slowly chewed on her sandwich. "Excuse me?" Hermione asked after she had swallowed the piece.

"The day at 12 Grimmauld Place." Snape reminded her and her mouth turned into a small 'oh'. "Well, I figured that perhaps my memories weren't powerful enough.. so I wanted to try something I had a little more confidence in." Snape cocked his head a little to the right. "What is it that you felt?" He spoke softly and Hermione didn't quite know what to say.

Was she truly going to tell him what gave her the power to produce a Patronus? Then again, he was her husband now. With the upcoming battles they would fight, it might indeed not be the worst idea to open up just a little to him. It's not like her past was entirely secret anymore thanks to their Occlumency lessons.

"The feeling of being wanted." Hermione muttered quietly once she made up her mind. "As you may have seen before.. people always used to make fun of me because I'm quite vocalized about my knowledge.. yet, to have found people who appreciate my knowledge, is quite possibly, one of the best feelings I've ever felt." Hermione said with a sad smile and carefully looked him in the eye.

Snape said nothing, but seemed to take her words in carefully as his eyes never averted from hers. "Your patronus.. it used to be hers, right?" Hermione asked cautiously, afraid she might have gone too far in their civilized conversation. For a second, she thought she did as she watched his features harden, but not long after, they relaxed again as he nodded slowly. "What did it look like?"

He seemed to consider his answer, but came to the conclusion he had nothing to lose anyway. "A doe." His voice was stable but the emotion in his eyes weren't misleading. "I'm sorry." Hermione said earnestly and he quirked an eyebrow in part amusement and part confusion. "How is that your fault?"

"It isn't. But I'm still sorry for your loss. The only thing you had left from her, was the one thing this marriage took away from you." Hermione swallowed, feeling even worse once realizing that this is how it went. First James had taken Lily from Severus, and now she had taken the only part from Lily that he had left.

"I don't blame you." Snape said and Hermione searched his eyes for any lies, but either he covered them up really well, or he was truly speaking the truth, but either way she could not detect any lies. He cleared his throat and nodded to her glass of pumpkin juice, "You haven't drank anything yet."

Hermione's eyes widened a little at the sudden switch of subjects. "Oh, right.." She mumbled and picked up the glass, gulping it all gratefully as she realized her lack of hydration today. A sudden tingling was felt in her wrists, and when she put the glass back down, she saw the bruises on her wrists fading.

Turning her eyes on him, she caught the curving of his lips. "You put a healing potion in there, didn't you?" Snape smirked, "I think we've damaged the souls of the students attending Hogwarts enough already. Adding a bondage imagine to their minds would be even worse than handing them over to the Dark Lord himself."

Hermione couldn't help it, she tried to fight what was happening inside of her, for she did not agree with the comparison, but her fight was lost. Her body trembled, her eyes narrowed and her vision was blurted by the tears forming in her eyes. Her hand grabbed her stomach as she grabbed the desk with her other hand. There was no stopping it; the laughter had completely taken her over.