50th Chapter. I have come a long way. And I did not want it to be this long. So now, I am thinking of not posting if you don't want it to go on anymore. Your silence, of course, will be a consent to this statement.

Happy reading!

Chapter 50

"Radar". I called his name as soon as I opened the door to outer office.

"Hawkeye,"

"Need to ask you something."

"For the last time..." Then he looked at my face and stopped in mid-sentence. "Everything alright, Hawkeye?"

"Yeah. Need to know when was the last time BJ wrote a letter home."

"Well, its been a few days."

"Oh!"

"Everything alright, Hawkeye?"

"Yeah. Yeah. Just wondering."

"You know I asked BJ about it. He just dismissed me."

"OK. Nothing to worry, Radar. You are still our favorite son. Mommy and daddy still love you the most!" With that, I left the office.

Somehow, the forced isolation and then this elation following my freedom had lulled me into a false sense of Everything's Fine when as a matter of fact, things were almost as screwed up as before. What the hell made me think things were getting better? I was worried about BJ now. And feeling more than just helpless. I was feeling a little guilty too though God alone knew why? I kicked myself for letting it happen but in retrospect, there was hardly anything I could do to change an irrational mind. Holiday season brought its own version of irrationality and we were no different, all things considered.

Feeling deflated, I returned to Swamp. A full active day had left me tired though it was the proverbial last straw that broke the camel's back. Now I was winded and wanted to just lie down and be left alone in the dark tent.

I was not disappointed.

Swamp was cold. Somebody had doused the fire in the heater or maybe everything I shoved inside had burned to ashes already. I restarted the fire, shivering slightly at the coolness of the approaching night and lied down on my cot, fully dressed.

I thought about Dad and then about Peg. How long would it take them both before they started getting worried about us in case they didn't get a letter? For Dad, I could assume that barring any telegrams, he could have gone on for a month without thinking anything was wrong but Peg? How long would it take her? Especially since she had no idea of Army's efficient practices about informing next of kin in cases of emergency. Why was BJ so stuck in his interpretation of the situation? Was it due to Christmas season? What was I doing last Christmas? I was here. I had to go to a foxhole under fire to fix an injured soldier while being dressed as Santa. And then, when I got back, I got drunk. Well, Christmas was not exactly a reason to get drunk, not for me. To get drunk was reason enough to get drunk and that was that. But that night, I made new records of inebriation or so I was told. This year, I doubted if I could get drunk. But it was a first for BJ. And missing his daughter's first Christmas would have been hard enough. Finally, I reached a decision.

I could not let this go on!

With that cheerful thought, I closed my eyes and imagined making a snowman outside my house.

BJ woke me up for dinner but I had no strength or desire to leave the warm bed. I was awakened again by Frank Burns. He was making sure I woke up, with the way he was making all that racket.

"Frank, please! I am trying to sleep."

"Of course you are. Feels good now that the shoe is on the other foot, right?"

"It was a request. For once, try acting like a decent human being, Frank!" With that, I turned away from the light and covered my ears with a pillow.

"Sure. I should act like a decent human being. What about you? You walked in on me twice. Its not like you have never had a little company yourself."

"Frank! I told you I was sorry. I did not know. And also, I am not married."

"Stay out of my personal life, Pierce!"

"No intentions of doing otherwise either, Frank. Now if you don't mind, I want to sleep!"

"I am not stopping you." And with that, he started making some more noise.

Finally, I sat up. There was no point trying to sleep anymore anyway. An old problem for me, if awakened once, I could not sleep again. Not usually anyway. Alcohol used to help me but even before getting Hepatitis, alcohol was losing its touch so far as sleep was concerned.

"Cannot sleep, I see."

"Shut up, Frank!" I sat on my bunk, holding my head in my hands, trying to think of ways of killing time without killing Frank in the process. No matter how solid a resolve I made not to come across him, he made sure my efforts failed.

"You could have gone to Seoul but that meant leaving 4077 and you just cannot leave your kingdom, can you?"

I just looked at him silently. He had struck a cord without realizing it. Even with his malpracticing hands, he may have done more good than me.

"Sure, and leave BJ to your mercy?" I decided to give a flip answer.
"I can take care of myself, Hawk!" BJ said entering the tent. "Besides, all this work kept us too busy to bother one another!" Frank snickered at that.

That was new. That was strange. That was many more things that I decided not to voice, not even to myself.

"Sure you can, Beej. That was a joke."

"OK." BJ said quietly as he settled on his cot after pouring himself a drink.

Was returning to Swamp a mistake? Now, it definitely seemed like that. I knew they were overworked but did not know how much they resented lack of substitute for me.

I decided to talk to Col. Potter about that.

Now!

Apologies to BJ could wait.

"Where are you going?" BJ asked in a somewhat concerned voice. Maybe he did not resent me all that much after all.

"Nowhere!"

"Its cold outside, Hawk."

"Yeah, I noticed."

"Mess tent is closed."

"I am not going for dinner." And with that, I left the Swamp.

Colonel Potter was the commander. He was supposed to know better than to succumb to my whims if it meant problems for his unit. He should have known better. He was paid to do so, wasn't he?

But how bad could one man's absence affect people, really? Henry died and we just took up the slack. Sure that meant longer hours for Trap and myself but hell, nobody said the war was supposed to be easy. And then Trapper left and BJ came and him being new, the load was left entirely to Frank and myself. Of course nursing staff helped especially Margaret but they were here now too. It was not like I invited extra work before going into hiding. Business was brisk but then, wasn't it always?

Somehow, I felt angry and overwhelmed by this extra responsibility or blame, whatever I chose to call it.

Potter tried to explain the emotional end of the problem to me yesterday but when it came to patients and work, emotions needed to rest in peace. I was not the camp mascot and if they needed, hell, if they wanted an extra hand, Potter should have gotten them one. That was all there was to it, really.

I was getting tired of being blamed.

I was tired of feeling guilty when it may not even have been my fault entirely.

It was time to share the blame!

PS: Last chapter for now. I will continue writing but now, I will post only when I feel like it because I don't think/know whether you want me to carry on or not!

Take care.

Adieu.