Don't take that sinner from me
Chapter 16: The answer lies within your question
A/N: I own nothing except my mistakes.
A loud groan escaped her lips as she woke up, feeling the stinging pain in her back from the hard mattress that she had been sleeping on. Taking in her surroundings, she slowly remembered where she was and let out a loud sigh when she swung her legs off the bed.
Getting dressed into a simple pair of dark blue jeans and a lilac blouse, she got down the stairs as quietly as she could, carrying her toothbrush and toothpaste in her hands. However, her caution to not make too much noise was wasted as she saw that Snape was already awake and dressed, sitting in his armchair near the fireplace as he read the Daily Prophet.
"Breakfast's on the table." Snape said tonelessly and waved over at the little table near the window and Hermione scoffed, where did his sudden distant mood come from? Sure, they kissed, but wasn't he the one who started the kiss? Or did he perhaps regret it? "Good morning to you too, Severus." She snorted and he lowered his newspaper, raising an eyebrow at her with a fixing look. "Good morning, Hermione." Snape snarled and Hermione sighed, rolling her eyes as she seated herself at the table.
"Shouldn't you eat as well?" Hermione asked as she took a bite from the pancakes that were laying on the plate. "I already ate." He stated in a bored tone and Hermione cocked an eyebrow at him, mumbling a "What's got your wand in a knot?" under her breath as she grumpily started to eat on her breakfast.
She caught his stare when she moved for her pumpkin juice, and noticed the amused raised eyebrow that was shot at her and she rolled her eyes once more at him. Hermione opened her mouth to ask about the kiss they shared yesterday, but decided against it as she closed her mouth again. However, her curiosity took over and so she reopened her mouth, but closed it once more when her mind told her it wasn't a smart move.
"I thought I made myself clear last time that I don't like to have my time wasted by a gaping fish." Snape commented and Hermione's head shot up to him, her eyes squinting in annoyance as she watched his casual demeanor as he continued his reading. "I do not gape like a fish." Hermione defended and he raised an eyebrow at her, looking up from his newspaper. "I beg to differ."
"Either continue with what you wanted to say, or keep quiet and finish your breakfast." Snape said calmly and Hermione opened her mouth again and then closed it. Snape shot her a threatening look, "Hermione." He warned and she sighed, her face contorting into an awkward mess as she dared the question. "About the kiss..-" But her question was interrupted by Snape, "It shouldn't have happened."
"You regret it then?" Hermione asked, part of her curious and the other part scared for his answer. She watched the change of emotion on his face before he composed himself again and forced his face to become expressionless once more. "Why do you want to know?" Snape retorted and Hermione raised her eyebrow, "Why are you answering a question with a question?"
Snape sighed as he understood her meaning, "It might do well to listen when someone answers a question. You will then understand that the answer you seek for, lies within my answer." Hermione's face scrunched up in thought and considered his previous answer, but then got even more confused because it held no clear answer to her second question.
"It's not a matter of listening in this case. It's more of a matter of how many meanings behind an answer will lie within that answer. In this case, there are multiple meanings." Hermione remarked and his eyebrow shot up once more, "Aren't multiple meanings behind answers still an answer? The quantity of an answer will not take away the meaning behind it."
Hermione was fascinated by his retort – mainly because of the fact she had never had someone talk back to her with an equal intellectual answer. Most of the times Harry or Ron would have ended the conversation defeated, but this time, it was she that had no retort to what he said.
Knowing that she didn't have any comeback, he returned back to his newspaper and Hermione finished her last pancake and grabbed one of the books nearest to her from the bookshelf and started to read, waiting for about half an hour until she could brush her teeth. Thanks to her parents who were dentists, she knew it was best to wait around thirty minutes with brushing your teeth after a meal to reduce the damage.
But her concentration snapped soon as her previous conversation with her husband intruded her mind. "It shouldn't have happened." It echoed around her head like a mantra, but she could not understand how those two meanings made sense. To the question if he regretted kissing her, it could be both yes and no. But how was that even possible? How could he regret it and at the same time not regret it at all?
Hermione sighed in frustration as she closed her book and shoved it back into the bookshelf. She hated to not have a question answered – and she knew she wouldn't be getting a clarification from him anytime soon either. Her frustrations only got worse when she saw the satisfied smile tugging on his lips as she moved to the kitchen, brushing her teeth a bit aggressively as she silently cursed him in her head.
When she was finished, she took her seat back at the armchair near the window and stared at her husband, debating on yet another question she desperately wanted confirmed. "Anything else you'd like to know or are you just going to sit there and stare at me all day?" Snape asked, not looking up from his newspaper and Hermione fumbled with her blouse, knowing for sure she'd cross her limits by asking this question.
"I heard that the necklace was meant for Dumbledore – and you said that you were rather certain it was Malfoy who wanted to pass that onto Dumbledore.." Hermione was hesitant to go on, but continued when she saw that his eyes had stopped moving, indicating that he had stopped his reading and was listening to what she had to say, although he did not look up. Taking this as a sign that it was okay for her to continue, she went on.
"I've been wondering why you had been certain, and I figured it had to do with what you have been told in one of your meetings with Vol- the Dark Lord," Hermione quickly corrected herself, knowing that was the term he demanded of her to use. "However, did you know that Malfoy was the one who needed to kill..-"
"Dumbledore?" Snape finished for her and she nodded weakly. "Yes, I was aware of his situation." Hermione frowned, not understanding why Draco hadn't been the one to kill Dumbledore then. "But, then why was it you that ended up killing him?" This time, Snape did lower his newspaper and made eye contact with her, his features serious as he spoke carefully.
"Narcissa sought for help and came to me. I made an Unbreakable Vow to her to protect Draco from the same things I vowed to protect you from." Hermione's expression turned into one of understanding. "All those vows of protection will end up getting you killed." Hermione joked, but not with the intention to create laughter. It was merely because she wasn't quite sure of what to say to that piece of information. "That is the consequence of breaking them, yes."
Hermione lowered her eyes to her hands that were laying in her lap, "Why did you make that Unbreakable Vow to Narcissa?" Wanting to catch his expression to detect any lies, she moved her eyes up again as he spoke. "It would be suspicious to refuse. After all, I had an act to keep up to not give my position as Dumbledore's spy away."
"So you were the one to kill Dumbledore because of the Unbreakable Vow, then?" Hermione asked, but after some silence he shook his head. "It was Dumbledore's idea to let me be the one to kill him. This agreement had been made before the vow." Hermione's frown deepened as she watched him, the Daily Prophet laying forgotten on the table on his right. "Why did Dumbledore want it to be you?"
"He wanted Draco's innocence to be spared." Snape replied and Hermione nodded slowly in understanding, "And you agreed to this?" Hermione asked in rather disbelief, not believing that Snape would willingly kill Dumbledore. "I didn't want to, but I had little choice. Especially after the Unbreakable Vow was made."
A sudden conversation between Snape and the headmaster in his office popped into her mind and realization dawned on her. "That is why you said that he asks too much of people, didn't you? First he ordered you to be the one to kill him, and then I had been forced to kill someone else in the sake of not ruining his plans." Snape slowly nodded and Hermione felt rather uncomfortable upon discovering the other side of Dumbledore she did not expect to find out.
"Severus.. why did you become a double agent?" But she knew she had pushed the conversation too far when he fell silent and he disappeared into his own thoughts. Hermione waited for a few minutes, hoping that he perhaps would answer her question, but when it became apparent that he wasn't going to do so, she got out of the chair, willing to leave him to his thoughts.
The low voice of him talking brought her right back into her seat, as she watched his glazed eyes. "As you know from last year, there had been made a prophecy. Have you heard what it said?" Hermione shook her head and watched as he painfully quoted it. "The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches..Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies.."
"At least, that's what I have overheard before I.." But Hermione didn't need Snape to finish his sentence, for she understood what he had done. "As soon as I discovered he was going for Lily's son, I went to Dumbledore for help.. begged him to keep her safe. In return for that, I agreed to do anything."
Snape's eyes were staring at the wall, unfocused as he seemed to have revisited his memory. "Upon discovering she was dead.. Dumbledore persuaded me to work for him so Lily would not have died in vain. I agreed to protect Lily's son. That is why I became a double agent." Hermione sat there quietly, not knowing what to say or do as she let it all sink in.
It took her completely by surprise that he opened up this much to her, but was very pleased to finally have some answers. It made sense now why he had begun to work for Dumbledore, why he didn't remain loyal to Voldemort.
This also explained why Snape had been protecting Harry throughout all those years – even though she didn't see it until now. First year he had tried to protect Harry from Quirrel's efforts to kill Harry in a Quidditch match, and kept on protecting Harry in other unnoticed ways as well. In their third year, he had thrown himself in front of Harry, Ron and herself when Remus had turned into a werewolf, protecting each one of them from harm by sacrificing himself.
Then at the fifth year, Snape had taken up on Harry's warning about the dream he had – even though he didn't show it in front of Umbridge. If it wasn't for Snape, no one of the Order would have found out in time and they'd probably all be dead. And those were only the things she knew with certainty that he had been doing to ensure Harry's safety.
No matter how much Snape despised Harry, he still protected him out of love for Lily. It felt like she was hit by a rock when that thought struck her mind. His love for Lily. That's why he went through all of this – that's why he agreed to this marriage. If he hadn't, he would have died and he would not have succeeded in avenging Lily's death.
"Always." How foolish had she been to think for even a moment that there might be hope for her and Snape in the future. He loved Lily – and he always would. No enchantment could change that, and she would just have to live with the fact that she would never be loved by the person she'd spend her life with.
Hermione focused her eyes back on Snape, and watched the pained outline on his forehead deepen as he got lost further in thought, and Hermione figured he would appreciate some privacy to deal with his thoughts.
Quietly, she got out of chair and walked into the kitchen, opening the back door and taking a seat underneath the kitchen's window on the hard ground, letting the warmth of the sun sink into her skin as her mind drifted off once more.
Throughout all those months, she had felt like their connection had become stronger, and it had given her the most foolish hope that perhaps it would grow out be something even more than just a connection – an understanding.
Slowly, she had started to believe what she had both heard and read about the aut cor aut mors enchantment – how it was both the best and worst thing to happen to you, how it would grant you the most powerful love to ever exist.
But then it dawned on her: the enchantment only enhanced what was already there – it did not create any emotions. The only reason their connection deepened greatly was because they were both open to becoming more civilized in order for it to make it work. Love, however, had never been present. And neither would it ever be either – especially not from his part.
But an even better question was: why did this even matter to her? Why did she feel so hurt every time he mentioned his love for Lily? It's not like she loved him, or even held an interest for him. So why did she care?
Then again – was that entirely true? Did she really hold no interest in him at all? Then why was it that she found comfort in his touch, and longed for his lips the second they had left hers? If the enchantment only enhanced emotions that were already there, then that must mean something, right? But what it exactly meant, she had no idea.
Bringing herself back to the present moment, she couldn't help but worry about her friends. She knew about the quest Dumbledore had left Harry – and she knew they would try to pursue it. But honestly, how far would they get? Their lack of protective spells were highly concerning, and not to mention they had no clue where to go either.
Not that she did either, but at least she had the knowledge of the required spells to survive. Even though she had chosen for Snape, it did not mean she didn't care about her friends anymore. Because she did – a lot. But she didn't know either how to contact them without a good excuse.
With a hopeless sigh, she pushed herself off the ground and paid a quick visit to the lavatory before entering the house once more, walking as if there wasn't something bothering her at all as she casually looked through the many books, pulling one out at random.
"I wouldn't read that one if I were you, it's dreadful." Snape suddenly spoke behind her and she turned around, looking at the man who had returned back to his reading. "Why is that?" Hermione asked and he looked up from his book once more."It belonged to my father – it holds a rather aggressive story, he was rather into those books." Hermione's face contorted uncomfortably, "Why would someone be into that?" She wondered aloud as she placed the book back and instead opted for a different book.
However, he remained silent as they both returned to their reading and Hermione had figured she had reached his limit of talking about the past.
"I'd like to return to my house tomorrow." Hermione suddenly spoke as they had passed over half an hour in silence, both reading their books. "I won't be staying there long, because it's too dangerous. But, tomorrow they will expect me back because it will be the end of term.. it would worry them sick to not see me there." Snape slowly nodded, "If that's what you wish. However, I'm sure I don't need to remind you of the risk you're taking, am I right?"
Hermione nodded, "I know that. Like I said, I'll only stay there for a little while. I just need to reassure them I'm alright." Snape nodded in understanding, his features thoughtful as he returned back to his book.
Finishing the book, she looked at the tiny clock standing on the table and noticed it was already nearing eight in the evening and Snape had suddenly appeared from the kitchen, a plate of food held in his hands as he placed it in front of her, taking the other empty seat at the table.
Together they silently started to eat, munching on their food as her eyelids grew heavy. Finishing her last bite, she silently headed upstairs, not bothering to say goodnight for she did not want to go to sleep with a heavy feeling again of not having him say anything in return.
Quickly, she changed into her pajamas and slipped into the bed once more, falling into a deep sleep with the happy thought of returning home tomorrow. Yet, no matter how much it excited her to see her parents again, she knew it would only last for a little while. Things needed to be done to ensure their safety – and she absolutely hated the thought of it.