CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

Arriving to the hospital in record time, Edward managed to take control of the situation. Looking back I am rather thankful since my mother was a complete mess when we finally were able to get to her and I was...well very unhelpful.

"I haven't been able to see him. I don't even know what happened. How did this happen?" My mother fretted.

"I'm sure he'll be fine, mom. Let's just sit down and why don't you tell me what happened." I tried to remain calm.

We walked over to a couple of chairs and sat down. Edward made himself a little partition to separate us from the all the energy going on in the hospital around us.

"Well, we had been arguing the past couple days and so your father had been sleeping downstairs. I came down this morning on my way to school and I saw your father on the ground in our living room. I ran over to him and I said, Charlie, Charlie. I tried shaking him and he mumbled something and I was so scared. I called 911. I thought maybe he had another heart attack, it reminded me of the heart attack he had a couple of years ago." She looked down; lost. "And now I've just been sitting, getting no answers from anyone." She shrieked.

"Renée, why don't I go and see if I can find something out." Edward offered. With Edward's notoriety; he was always able to get answers out of the many willing nurses who would jump to help him out.

"Oh that would be great, Edward. Thank you." She squeezed Edwards hand before he left to go and find a doctor.

"Mom, I know he will be okay. Dad is the strongest person I know. He's gotten through I'm sure much worse. Just…you see." I told her.

She took my hands in hers and tried to keep her tears from falling but it was of no use. After a couple of minutes sitting there in silence she looked over to me, "Bella, we really are sorry for…keeping those letters…"

"Mom, please. We don't need to talk about that right now." I replied.

Edward came from around the corner, "Okay, they are still running tests but they have assured me that they are going to send someone out to talk with us soon."

And then we waited. Sitting in a row; in a line of nervous energy.

Have you ever had to wait at a hospital. I imagine it must be the closest thing to purgatory. Waiting. Pressure mounting. Knowing that the answer you seek could very well determine where you will end up.

"Family of Charles Swan." A doctor finally announced.

We walked over to the young doctor to hear the news.

"We are still not aware as to the extent of the damage that Charles incurred. It was a massive stroke which depending on his reactions when he wakes up, we will be able to better gauge the situation. You can go in and see him now."

"So, you still don't know anything?" I asked harshly.

"Like I said we ran tests but we won't know fully what we are dealing with until after he wakes up." The doctor replied.

"I want to see him, where is he?" My mom stepped forward.

We were led into his room. He laid in that hospital bed looking peaceful, unaware of what was going on around him. My mom walked up to him and took his hand, "Charlie, uh…you need to wake up. We are…well Bella's here and so is Edward."

She looked over to me, "Say something. He needs to know that you're here."

"Uh…dad…" I couldn't think of one thing to say. Could he even hear me? Edward could see a panic in me and so he stepped up, "Charlie, you're kind of freaking out the women here. I…we need you to wake up. Super Bowl's coming up. I know you can't wait to rub that in my face."

He tried to keep it lite which I appreciated.

My phone rang and I could see Embry calling me. "Excuse me." I walked out of the hospital room and it felt like I could breathe for the first time.

"Hey, what's up?" I answered easily.

"Hey, B. Just checking in with ya." Embry replied.

"Oh, uh not much. How's the writing been going? Have you been productive?" I asked wanting to take the focus from me.

"Hey, let's stop talking about me and maybe you can explain why I saw a commercial for the 51st Grammy awards that said you were going to be performing. What's that about? And why do I have to hear about it from the television?"

"I…forgot. No big deal." I tried to downplay it.

"Well, I will definitely be home for that. That's crazy, our little B all grown up and booking Grammy's."

"Uh…yeah…look I have to go, but you kick ass in NYC." I replied.

And we hung up.

"Why didn't you tell him?" Edward asked.

"There's no reason to. I don't want to mess with his focus. He is finally getting to a point where he can really make something out of his career again and I'm not about to let a little family drama get in the way of it. I'm sure by the time he comes home; my dad will be up and moving just like old times."

"Bella, he had a massive stroke. I think you need to take this seriously." Edward said.

"Edward, I'm not deaf. I heard what the doctor said but she doesn't know my dad. I know what my dad is capable of and he is going to be..."

"Fine. Yeah you've said that." Edward interrupted.

I walked back into my dad's hospital room and there was no change. The next day was the same but this time he opened his eyes. I knew he would get better. Then it was Super Bowl Sunday and my dad opened his eyes for a couple of minutes again and that was the last time he ever opened his eyes for us.

On Monday, when Edward and I arrived to the hospital my mom was there already and she was near hysterics.

"I don't understand, but he opened his eyes." she was telling the doctor just as we walked in.

"Renée, what happened?" Edward immediately went over to her and caught her in his arms before she fell down to the chair.

"I was just informing Miss Swan, that we have not seen any improvements of Charles's health and at this point you need to take the time and decide what kind of life you want for Charles. I'm not sure if he has talked with you about his wishes…"

"Wait a second. Yesterday, he opened his eyes, what do you mean there's been no improvement?" I snapped.

"It's what we would call a sleep/ awake cycle. Today he hasn't opened his eyes and his vitals have gone down consistently each day. You can keep him alive, hooked to all these machines and maybe he will recover enough to hear you but I don't foresee him ever being able to move or talk; his life would be very limited. You need to ask yourself; would he want that kind of life?" She looked over to my mom who was crying in the corner with Edward's arms wrapped around her. "I'm very sorry."

She left and the boulder that it felt like I had been carrying on my shoulders the past couple of days, seemed to get heavier. I stood there just staring at my father lying in his bed.

This can't be happening. There has to be some other way.

All the times I have cried and now I just couldn't stop…staring.

Edward finally pulled me into a hug and even then I couldn't register what was going on around me. Edward told my mom that we were going to take her back to our house that evening. She needed to get some rest and didn't want her to be alone right now.

When we got back to the house I still couldn't find words. My mom excused herself to the guest bedroom that was always reserved for my parents. She needed to lie down and be alone for a moment.

"Hey, how's it going?" Jacob asked somberly. He came over and pulled me into a strong hug.

"Kinda sucky." I replied quietly.

"Kate and Garrett took the girls tonight and will take them to school tomorrow, okay?"

I nodded absently.

"Maybe when I get out…would you like to sit on the couch and watch some TV? I could give you a really good back massage. I think you need it." Jacob offered.

"Get out from what?" I asked.

"Uh…the guys are here. We're just having a brief meeting. I'll be out in ten. Promise."

Tria Fata.

I nodded and Jacob jogged off toward Edward's office. I sat at the kitchen bar just staring at the pattern in the granite.

Tria Fata.

Suddenly something occurred to me, I jumped down off that bar stool and took off to Edward's office. I slide the door back quickly; the bang from hitting the wall causing it to vibrate slightly. Everyone jumped at the sound and turned to look at me.

So different from the last time I was in this room surrounded by this particular crowd.

"Uh..." I walked in slowly. "I know that I'm not supposed to be at one of these things but…if you would just give me a moment."

"Of course, Bella." Carlisle replied gesturing for me to take the floor.

"Thank you." I whispered. I walked forward a little, "My dad is in the hospital as I'm sure you know. I…I know you have the ability to do things. I know you have power, I've seen it. I am asking…no I am begging you to please help him." I pleaded.

"Bella, we can't…" Edward started to say.

"Yes, you can. I know you can. You have to. I will do anything. You can…spank me…hit me whatever it is you need to do to me, do it." I started to break down. "Please. Just help him. I will marry Jacob if that is what you want from me. Money, I will give you every penny I ever earn. Please." I could feel my chest rising, trying to catch a breath. "Please."

Edward came over and tried to hug me but I fought him.

"I don't need your pity." I cried. "I need you to just fix this. I know you have money and for once I don't care how much it costs. I don't care if people only ever see me as a gold digger. I will do whatever you ask of me for the rest of our lives. I will give you children, lots and lots of children. I will stop taking the pill and I will do whatever you want. I will quit my job. I will stay here in this house and never leave it; if that is what you wish."

"Baby, please…"

"No. Please help him." I cried. "Edward, please." I sobbed.

"Baby, we can't."

"Why not?" I demanded.

"Because we're not god." He replied somberly. "I would give you the moon if I could but…" Edward stopped and looked absolutely defeated.

I slowly looked around to our audience. Garrett, Jasper, Emmett, Carlisle, Jacob and Peter.

It sobered me up and I let go of Edward's arms, slowly shaking my head. "You won't help me." I whispered. "No one can help me."

I walked out of the room and went down to my wine cellar. The bottle from my previous wine night still sat on the table where Edward had left it. I picked it up and went and sat in the corner thinking of how I got to this moment in my life. A couple of weeks ago, nothing could stop me. I was reaching new heights and finally able to get to a happy point in my life and now…

I was just like that wine bottle in my hands, empty. But… I threw that wine bottle as hard as I could against the wall and it smashed into pieces.

There. That's better. Now, I was just like that wine bottle.

I didn't cry again that night after my rejected offer from Tria Fata. One loan tear was all that escaped the next day when my mother and I finally decided to take my father off the machines that had been keeping him alive. The doctor said that it could take minutes or even hours, she advised us against staying there for it. I didn't want my dad to die alone.

Edward tried to pull me from the room but all I had in me was anger, bitterness and pain. Those three things were no match for Edward. I asked him to leave me alone with my dad for a minute after my mom was done saying her good byes. My mom said it would be too hard for her to stay so Jacob agreed to take her back to our house.

So here I sit; the result of my failures and guilt lying on the bed before me. There was no question in my mind who was at fault. Blame was something I wore, well. I walked over to my dad and held his hand one last time.

"So…uh…I guess…" I stopped, upset at myself that I couldn't even find something to say.

"I wish I could say something to express how sorry I am for doing this to you." I paused and fought back any tears. When I was angry I could hold back.

"I prayed for you but I don't really think God listens to my prayers…didn't work for Jessica. I hope you can find Jessica, I'm sure that she will be a much better daughter to you…

"uh…you were supposed to walk me down the aisle…now what am I going to do? I can't do that walk without you. I know I don't deserve you but…" I trailed off and was unable to continue.

I let go of his hand and went to sit back down in the chair. Edward walked back in; he had Emmett with him.

"Bella, I know you want to stay here but sweetheart, I am asking you to rethink this. I was there when my father passed and it's hard." Edward looked me in the eyes, begging.

"I will not leave him here to die on his own. I owe him this. It's the very least I can do."

"I will stay with him." Edward vowed. "Emmett will take you home. You should be with your mother now."

"Edward…" I started to protest.

"No. Bella, your dad would have wanted you at home…with your mother. I am going to stay, he won't be alone."

I sighed and I didn't know what to do. Edward walked forward and held his hand out to me; tentatively I took it and rose up out of the chair.

"Okay." I surrendered.

My father passed away on February 3rd, 2009.

I couldn't cry. I could feel myself full of bitterness, pain and anger. Oh, and of course there was a heavy dose of guilt. That's all I could feel or would allow myself to feel. I had lost my sister and now my father.

Bitterness. Pain. Anger. Guilt.

Planning a funeral was never easy but I'm starting to become a pro I thought cynically. Edward was more help then I was. Over those next few days all I did was stare and think. Even my mother didn't pester me. We were in the middle of planning a wedding; the beginning of lives and now we had shifted to plan a funeral. My mom couldn't perform a eulogy so she asked if I could get up and say a few words.

I stood up in front of a large crowd on that cold Thursday afternoon at Forest Lawn cemetery out in Burbank.

"And so we meet again." I started. "I…uh…am getting a little too good at this. I probably could do this professionally…by now." Yes my humor was wildly inappropriate but like I said bitterness, anger, pain and guilt.

"My father was a good man. He was a Sheriff and as some of his department who are here can tell you he was fair and honest. My father was a husband, he…well my mom and dad they…you couldn't find two people more perfect for each other and I know that he could never love another person the way he loved my mother. Charlie was a father. He was a quiet person but he always knew what to say and when to say it. As you may know… I had a sister who passed away a couple of years ago and it changed my dad. He was never the same after that. I think with the passing of my sister that it may have caused a crack in his heat. My father was a man of faith and I know that now he is with Jessica…his heart can finally be healed."

I took a deep breath, "Thank you for being here today. I know how much it would have meant to my dad and it means the world to my mother and I."

And that was it.

We sat and watched as they lowered him into the ground. My mom sobbing and I still couldn't find it in me to cry. Shock, disbelief. How could I be sitting here this moment and watch them cover up the man I called daddy. Every pile of dirt that they shoveled down onto his casket felt like someone hitting my chest.

I walked away from where my mother stood greeting the people who had come to the funeral. I couldn't take the lies at the moment. I couldn't bear to hear one person say to me that my dad was in a better place. I might scream and never stop.

My eye caught something and I almost lost it. At the edge of the pavement was a photographer snapping pictures of my dad's funeral. You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Angela caught me before I got too far. I don't know what I was planning to do but I'm sure it was going to be violent.

"Bella, stop. Stay with Rosalie." She held me back until Rose could try to pull me away from the situation.

"That fucking prick." I spit.

"I will deal with it. Go." She commanded.

By then Edward had come to help Rosalie.

"Thank you, Angela." Edward said taking me into his arms.

I was shaking so bad. "Let's get you back to the house." Oh yeah the after party.

I hated having to entertain people after a funeral. Couldn't people just leave us alone? But it was tradition and my mom needed it more than I.

I felt like I could claw my face off. Would this feeling ever go away? I needed to do something but what? It was then I realized that I really fucked up. I should have told my dad everything I was thinking that last moment in his hospital room. I wasn't sure if he could even hear me. Now I would never have that chance.

With everything that had gone on, I never had called Embry to tell him what had happened but lucky for us; we were in the media so it didn't take long after my dad passed away on Tuesday for him to call me up. He said he was going to jump on the next flight out but I begged him to stay where he was because I needed to know that he was there in New York doing something he loved. If he came home it would add further to my guilt knowing he ended something great to be there for me. He understood that. He knew all too well what was going on in my head.

I really wished he would have come.

I couldn't be selfish.

I was sitting in our living room surrounded by my friends who I was using as a shield against any other person who came to our house after the funeral. My friends knew I wanted little contact with others at the moment and they allowed me to sit there, unengaged.

Seth and Stefan walked up to give their condolences near the end of the gathering and I motioned to Angela to let them pass.

"We're really sorry Bella. I hope you know that we are here for you." Seth offered.

"Thank you." I replied quietly.

"We went ahead and took the liberty of cancelling with AEG. I'm sure they'll love to have you next year." Stefan added.

"What? Why would you do that?" I replied a little louder than I probably should have. Suddenly something occurred to me. Stefan's words washed over me and for a brief moment it was enough to sober me up.

"Bella, you just lost your father. We would never expect you to still perform." Seth replied.

I looked down still thinking, "Call them back. Is it too late? I still want to do it."

Edward could see something going on and he came over quickly to defuse the situation.

"Bella." Seth started.

"What's going on?" Edward inquired. I think he thought they were harassing me, not the other way around.

"We…just told Bella that we weren't expecting her to still perform on Sunday and she still wants to." Stefan seemed stunned by my attitude and yet oddly in favor of my "dedication".

"Honey, no one expects you to do that. You definitely aren't going to do this right now." Edward stated.

"Yes. I am. I made a commitment and I need to do this. And no one is going to stop me." I looked over to Stefan, "Book it. I will be on that stage come Sunday."

It was probably the most passionate anyone had seen me since last Friday. I know you probably are all thinking that I was some really messed up crazy bitch. Looking back on it, I would have to agree because you see at the time all I could think was that I needed to figure out a way to tell my dad that I was sorry and for some insane reason I thought that being up on one of the biggest stages, that maybe just maybe God would allow my dad to look down on me and see it. God, owed me that much. I needed my dad to know how much I loved him and how sorry I was for ruining his life.

AN: Thank you for taking the time to read and review. I have decided to place Crossfade on hold until I complete this story. Sorry but I really want to be able to focus my attention on this and this alone for right now.