Don't take that sinner from me
Chapter 19: Together we're strong
A/N: I own nothing except my mistakes.
"You're an arse, you know that? Is it truly that difficult for you to understand that someone can simply care about you?" The words echoed around his head like an uncomfortable mantra. He hadn't meant to sound so cold, so careless about her feelings. But he did what he had to do. He did the right thing – at least, that's what he kept on telling himself.
It had been a complete and utter lie when he told her that he held no interest in her whatsoever. Not that he was certain by all means that she held an interest for him, but somehow the pained expression forming on her face had given him some of the confirmation he needed.
He did hold an interest for her – hell, he even cared for her. And that's what frightened him the most. Not after Lily's death had he ever cared for anybody else. Not any other person except for Lily had ever caught his interest. But over the months as he had gotten to know Hermione better, he had seen the other side of her instead of his former student who was always desperately waving her hand in the air, or answering the question before he had even given her the turn to speak.
Severus had come to understand that they were more alike than he'd ever dare to admit. She and him had a sort of understanding – both knowing what it's like to be undervalued, to be misunderstood. Hermione had also been the only one to know what he had done – and understood why he had done what he did. No one, not even the understanding Dumbledore had bothered to hear his part of the story. But she did.
She had tried her hardest to understand what he was like – and accepted him completely for it. Surely, there must have been things she hadn't agreed with, but that didn't stop her from caring about him.
That was the other thing that scared him to death – to have someone care for him. It felt unusual, for he was normally only detested by others. Never had he been cared for, with the exception of Lily, perhaps.
Lily. He knew that he had said that he'd always love her. But the longer he was surrounded with Hermione, the more he doubted his own words. How long was it going to take for her to break through the walls he had built up so high throughout all those years?
Yet, even though part of him wanted to let her in – wanted to let her break the walls, he couldn't do it. So every time she got too close, he would push her away and repair the damage she had done. Rebuilding his walls, making them stronger in case she'd try again.
Allowing her to fall for him, to let her care for him would end her up dead. He was in a dangerous position on his own as it was, let alone if she was truly going to end up loving him. No, he would simply refuse for her to be in pain over him. To have her end up hurt because of him. He did not deserve any of her tears, did not deserve any of her care.
And the only way he could achieve this, was by pushing her as far away from him as he could. Gone would be the days where they'd loosen up to each other, where he allowed her to get to know him better. It was for her own safety – for her own well-being.
Having neared the Malfoy Manor, he pushed his emotions and thoughts aside as he composed his face, fixing it to a neutral look as he entered the gloomy room once more, taking his seat at the long table in the room as they all went through the plan once more.
All getting up, they left the Manor as the time was nearing and they positioned themselves on the broomsticks that were laying ready for them on the floor. No one, except for himself, were prepared for what they'd soon be dealing with.
Rising up in the air, they flew high through the clouds to Little Whinging. They couldn't have timed it better, for all of the seven Potters had just made their turn to leave. The entire group of Potters flew everywhere, and all the Death Eaters sped off into a different direction.
They were clearly outnumbered, as at least two Death Eaters surrounded the decoy and the Order member. But the fact that there were seven Potters, was greatly to their advantage. Even he didn't know which one would be the real one. However, after seeing several Potters flying on broomsticks, he flew after the one that had currently no Death Eater behind him.
He looked rather skilled, and was standing out greatly compared to the others. Another Death Eater had seemed to think the same thing, for it had reached the Potter decoy faster than he had, about to shoot a curse at him. Thinking the incantation sectumsempra in his head, he pointed his wand at the Death Eater reaching out for the boy.
But the Death Eater had moved aside, causing the spell to reach just next to the Potters decoy's head. Letting out a relieved breath, he saw that the spell had only sliced his ear off. Whether it was the real Potter or not, the damage had at least been less severe than death.
Snape was about to look around for other Potter decoys, wondering which one was the real one, but he didn't have to look very long. A white snowy owl caught his attention, and he cursed the Potter boy for being so obvious. Anyone would know that the white owl belonged to him only. Why had they been so foolish to ruin his plan by a stupid owl?
Nearing Hagrid and what he assumed the real Potter, he was pleased to see that they had shrugged off any Death Eaters for now. Looking through the tiny holes in his mask, he saw Potter shooting a disarming charm just on time, managing to dodge it as his fury rose. So many giveaways were thrown in his otherwise fool-proof plan.
The owl hooted loudly and Snape neared the motorcycle, shielding himself from the disarming spells that Potter threw his way and shot a killing curse at the owl. The hooting stopped immediately, but Potter cried loudly for his owl, as it slipped from the motorcycle.
The motorcycle sped up, and Snape retreated, knowing he had done everything he could to protect the Potter boy. They were nearing the Burrow, and there wasn't much time for the others to reach him. Focusing his attention back on the other decoys, he merely flew behind them threateningly, not really shooting any curses.
Not that he needed to, because all of the other Death Eaters were too busy trying to reach the Potters that they didn't notice his lack of participation. When he watched the others disappear to areas they could not enter, they all slowly started to retreat and flew back to the Malfoy Manor, where they had been ordered to return after their mission.
Everyone dreaded it, however. No one knew for sure if the Dark Lord had managed to find the real Potter and kill him. And if he hadn't been able to succeed, they were all going to pay. Which was exactly what happened as they had returned and the Dark Lord stormed inside not long after, utterly enraged as he walked past all his Death Eaters, bringing them all down with the help of the Cruciatus curse, including himself.
He had expected it, and had experienced it more often than he had liked, but it did not take away the burning pain in his bones. Yet, he remained silent and simply fell to his knees like all the others, waiting for the Dark Lord to rest the curse and move on to the next person.
"Out! All of you!" The Dark Lord screamed in his high pitched voice, and no one needed to be told otherwise. Even Bellatrix knew that right now was not the time to show him her loyalty, for she too followed everyone outside.
Everyone apparated on the spot as they had arrived outside the Manor, and he waited for the spinning to stop until he had arrived back at Spinner's End. Dreading the confrontation with Hermione, he walked slower than he should as he approached his house and got inside.
It was extremely quiet, but then again, it would have been quite likely that she had fallen asleep. Moving through the dark hallway, he was more than surprised to see the sitting room empty. The fire had died out, and there was no trace of her presence.
Checking to see if she was perhaps using the lavatory, he had grown rather worried as he saw no light coming from the small room outside. They had parted rather bad, and he didn't think she had simply left off for bed.
Taking big steps through the house, he strode upstairs and knocked on her bedroom, but pushed it open when he had no reply after a couple of seconds. The room was completely empty. Unwanted worry was starting to rise in his body as he quickly skimmed his eyes through his former bedroom. All her possessions were mostly packed and gone.
Her trunk was still there, along with all her school supplies, but a number of clothes were missing. Several objects were thrown across the room, as if she had searched quickly for what she needed. "But fine, have it your way then. If you do not wish for my presence, I shall not bother you with it any longer." Her words suddenly came back to his mind, but at that time he had not taken it seriously. They both knew she had nowhere to go at the moment, so he didn't think she'd actually leave.
However, as he stared at the empty room once more, he realized that she had been completely serious. The thing is, he did not know where to look. Where exactly had she set off to? Her parents had been moved out of the country, and he doubted she'd leave for the Burrow so soon.
Yet, what if she did leave for the Burrow? He still wouldn't be able to reach for her. He stormed back out of the room and walked downstairs, cursing loudly at himself. He wasn't mad at her for leaving, he was merely worried. No, it was himself that he was mad at. He had been too harsh on her before he left – how come he hadn't seen this coming?
Snape sunk into his armchair, his head in his hands as his thoughts clouded his head. How long had she been gone? Could she still be wandering around the town somewhere? She was a clever witch – surely she wasn't going to use Apparation to arrive somewhere near the Burrow whilst knowing that dozens of Death Eaters were in the neighbourhood.
But he wasn't going to sit there either, knowing there was still an opportunity she might be roaming around the neighbourhood somewhere. Rushing out of the house, he put his recently learned skill to use. Not long ago the Dark Lord had discovered a way of flying without the help of an object, and had taught Snape the skill for when he would be Headmaster of Hogwarts.
Shooting up in the air, his dark robes flying with him, he trailed over the houses, looking for any sign of a person walking, but the fog was making it difficult for him to see. Yet, as he neared one of the playgrounds he used to visit a lot in his earlier years, he spotted the girl all alone, sitting on one of the rusty old swings.
A sudden surge of relief floated through his body and he flew downwards, coming back to his feet right in front of her. The girl jumped up, her wand pointed at him and she shot a Stunning curse at him out of instinct, which he blocked easily. "If you are so afraid of getting attacked, why is it that you have left the house?" His voice was cold, but he needed it to be. He needed for her to understand that she wasn't safe, especially not on her own in the dark.
"Severus.." She spoke softly, recognizing him as he took a few steps forward. Then her face hardened, and thanks to the moonlight that was shining over them, he managed to make out the reddened eyes. Had she been crying? He was greatly hoping it wasn't because of anything he had said, but a nagging feeling told him that it was.
"Why did you leave?" Snape asked, breaking the silence as her arms folded over each other. "I told you, Severus. If you do not wish my presence, I will not bother you with it." Her voice was cold, but he saw right past her demeanour. She was hurt – and no matter how well she tried to cover it up, the slouched shoulders and the reddened eyes completely gave it away.
"Once again you fail to understand what I have said." Hermione let out a humourless laugh as her eyebrows shot up, "Oh really? I don't think the meaning was hard to miss: "And why would you care if I died or not? In case you had forgotten, you have made no protection Vows. Whether I live or die, it will not affect your faith. Or is it perhaps, that you have developed some kind of interest for me? If that's the case, I'll have to disappoint you, because I can't say I can return those feelings."" Hermione quoted bitterly, and he watched as her eyes started to fill with tears, guilt silently rising through his body.
"Please, do tell me how I have misunderstood that. You obviously don't mind where I am. How foolish I had been to think for one second that perhaps you cared as well like you said you did. That the reason why you want me to hide was for my own safety. I must have been stupid to believe you." A tear fell down, but she made no move to wipe it away as she angrily spat out her next words.
"You could care any less where I am – as long as it keeps me away and all the while keeps you safe. And how convenient it must be for you if that can be arranged by going into hiding? That way you will be rid of me, and you will have no risk of dying." Her voice was trembling madly, but she kept going on – hiccoughing in the process as more tears followed.
"I've tried so hard to understand who you are! Tried to make this marriage work – hoping that perhaps things would take a better turn, because I don't want to live my entire life the way we have done the first few months." Hermione took a step closer, "Yes, Severus, I care about you. And what if I did develop an interest for you? Is that truly so wrong? Is it so bad that I'm trying to make the best out of the life that has been pushed on me?" Her words were nearly overshadowed by her sobs.
Snape stood motionless, not knowing what to do. Part of him wanted to reach out for her, kiss her to show her that he did care – that she wasn't the only one with an interest. But he remained rooted to the spot, unable to do anything as he watched the woman in front of him shaking her head.
"Do you truly hate me that much? Are you that disgusted by me that you refuse to come any closer to me than you have to? Is that why you regretted kissing me?" Her voice was weak, and he softly cleared his throat before speaking. "Once again, you failed to understand my meaning. Do you know why there was a double meaning behind my answer?" Hermione said nothing, but shook her head.
"I don't regret kissing you to a certain level, Hermione. Because believe it or not – you're not alone in this. I stand by what I said. I care about you and I even..-" Snape hesitated. Saying it aloud, would change everything – gone would be the walls he had tried to repair so badly throughout all the months. Gone would be his attempts to make her hate him.
But they needed each other. More than ever now that the war was nearing soon. They both knew it, and it was for that reason that he continued. "I admit to having an equal interest." Hermione's face softened and the tears had seemed to slow down, until they stopped falling. "And the other part? Where you do regret kissing me?" Her voice had lost its harshness, yet it was still trembling.
"I do partly regret it, because whatever we are doing.. it shouldn't be happening. We can't care about each other, Hermione. We need a clear head when battling a war, and we cannot have ourselves be overruled by emotions." Hermione remained silent, her eyes scanning him.
Without a single warning, her arms had flown around his waist as their lips connected. Part of him told him to push her away, let her know that they couldn't. But who was he kidding? To feel her lips on his had been something he had wanted ever since their last kiss.
Bringing one hand to her waist, he brought the other hand into her hair as he pushed her backwards, waiting for her back to reach the pole of the swing as he pushed his body against hers, their mouths hungrily moving with each other.
They eventually broke apart, both breathless as they stared at each other, and Hermione was the first to break the silence. "For a clever man like yourself, you can speak a load of rubbish." Hermione said softly, her breathing ragged and he frowned at her, "And why would that be?"
Hermione smirked, as she quoted yet another sentence from the book he was sure that had belonged to Dumbledore: ""It will grant you the most powerful love to exist, a loyalty fiercer than any force.""
"Don't you understand? I'm not saying we should suddenly love each other, Severus. For that only happens naturally – but I am saying to give it a shot. We're not in a normal marriage – we've been selected because we're most qualified for each other. And once we surrender to that, I'm sure we'll get something great out of it – something that a normal couple could only dream of." Snape fell silent as he thought this over, and then he understood.
"That's the Dark Magic people have been hinting at, is it not? Together, we'll be stronger than any feeble magic thrown at us – even something as severe as a killing curse." Snape said amazed, putting two and two together.
Hermione nodded with a sly smile, "The only way for us to die, is by a natural death. That is, if we succeed to develop our feelings." Snape mimicked her sly smile as his hand lowered from her waist, grabbing her right hand with his left. "Hermione, you truly are the brightest witch of your age."