Act 8

Hotel Floor Hallway. French Rivera.

MARSHALL: Ted, it's amazing how you got this hotel. It's great that we all got the same floor!

LILY: We'll be like next door neighbors, except you actually like us.

TED: Actually, the credit goes to Robin. Her command of the French language made the reservation process so much easier.

ROBIN: Ted is really picking up the language fast.

TED: At the expense of a sore penis. [Robin elbows him] Well let's go unpack, shower, relax a little bit and we'll meet at 7 pm.

MARSHALL: Okay, see you then.

They open their doors and enter. We view Ted and Robin's room and the first thing they notice is a yellow umbrella standing against the dresser.

TED: A yellow umbrella? That's strange.

ROBIN: Déjà vu? Know a lot of people with yellow umbrellas?

TED: Only Tracy. And I gave hers to Penny when she left for college.

[they walk a little closer where they see their bed. On the bed they see a short brunette woman of Irish-Italian descent sitting on the edge of the bed. Robin and Ted's jaws drop]

ROBIN AND TED: [simultaneously] Tracy?!

TRACY: Hi, Robin. Hi, Teddy Bear!

TED: [waving hand in front of Tracy with eyes of bewilderment] What the hell? Are my eyes deceiving me?

TRACY: No, it's me. And yes, I'm still dead.

TED: This can't be. Robin, you don't believe in ghosts. Are my eyes deceiving me?

ROBIN: I want to say yes, but I see her, and I heard every word she said. What are you doing here Tracy?

TRACY: I came to see Penny's wedding? I mean, after all, which mother doesn't go to her own daughter's wedding?

TED: A dead one! This is really messed up here!

TRACY: Is this how you talk to your wife whom you haven't seen in 18 years?

TED: Well, I expected to see you sometime in the 2060s after I myself die. Not now.

[enter Marshall]

MARSHALL: Oh, Ted, Lily and I just saw a cockamouse…Oh my God! It's Tracy!

TRACY: Hi Marshall, long time, no see.

MARSHALL: 18 years to be precise!

TRACY: Yeah, I'm still dead. I just came for Penny's wedding.

ROBIN: [to Marshall] Yeah after all, which mother misses her own daughter's wedding?

[enter Barney]

BARNEY: Hey, fellas I wanted to know…[sees Tracy] What the fudge? (but he didn't say "fudge")

TRACY: Hey Barn! Yes, it's me, and yes, I'm still dead.

MARSHALL: I'm gonna go get Lily and the others. [exits room]

TED: Okay, Trace. What happened?

TRACY: Well you made that wish on ID4 when you visited my grave about me coming for Penny's wedding. And I recalled how teary eyed you were in 2024 when I asked which mom doesn't make it to her daughter's wedding. And up from heaven, I saw Penny in tears for me when she announced her engagement. I couldn't bear to see her unhappy at her own wedding, so I decided to show up.

TED: Where did you get the yellow umbrella?

TRACY: I took a detour through New York and borrowed it from Penny's apartment.

TED: You mean stole it.

TRACY: The way you did from me all those year ago on St. Patrick's Day. Those are still my initials on the umbrella. I'll return it to her before I go back to Heaven.

TED: [calming down] I'm so glad you're here. I missed you all these years. [Hugs her and kisses her on the lips.]

[Robin frowns]

Enter Marshall with Lily, Penny, Luke, Johnny, Marvin Jr., and Kamala.

PENNY and LUKE: Mom! [run to hug Tracy]

TRACY: Oh, how are my babies? I missed you so much after I died. Look how you guys have grown!

LUKE: We missed you too Mom.

PENNY: I'm so glad you could make it.

TRACY: Which mother misses her own daughter's wedding?

PENNY: Not even a dead one, I guess. [tear of joy runs down cheek] Have you met you future son-in-law?

JOHNNY: Miss to meet, you Mrs. Mosby. Penny talks so much about you. I never expected to meet you in person, much less a ghost.

TRACY: Penny is really lucky to be marrying you. I can take one look at you and tell that you are a warm wonderful human being.

JOHNNY: Thank you Mrs. Mosby. [hugs her]

TRACY: Call me Mom. You're part of the family now.

LILY: Aww!

TRACY: Hey, Lily!

LILY: Hey Trace! Have you seen Marvin and his fiancée, Kamala?

TRACY: Oh you guys look wonderful. [Hugs them]

LILY: We gotta make up for lost time.

TRACY: I am here up until after the wedding festivities are over. Then, I'll return to heaven.

PENNY: Mom, I'd love it if you and Aunt Lily would join Robin and me in doing the last minute planning at the castle.

TRACY: Sure. Just bear in mind that I have to be invisible to most of the general public. They may not subscribe to the idea of a ghost within the premises.

[Robin stands a little back from the crowd, feeling withdrawn]

BARNEY: [to Ted] Ted, may I see you in the hallway?

TED: Ok.

[They go to the hall]

BARNEY: This is unbelievable.

TED: You're telling me? I was not expecting a ghost, let alone Tracy's.

BARNEY: Not that! Both loves of your life are here for your daughter's wedding. One man, two women who love you! You have the perfect opportunity for what they call in this country, ménage a trois!

TED: I don't know…one of them is a ghost while the other one is still a living human being.

BARNEY: It doesn't matter! Haven't you watched "Dona Flor and Her Two Husbands"?

TED: Can't say I did.

BARNEY: It's a Brazilian movie from the late 1970s. Here this woman's indifferent bum husband dies, and she misses the sex terribly. Then she marries another man, who is well-to-do and kind, but is totally bad in bed unlike me. Anyway, she hates the sex from her living husband, so she summons the ghost of her dead husband, who ends up satisfying her in bed. I found the dead husband to be a very relatable character.

TED: Haha, shut up Barney! Robin is great in bed, you ought to know.

BARNEY: Can't deny that. Had a great marriage that lasted 3 years. But Tracy must have had certain "skills" that Robin lacks.

TED: Well she liked to [whispers in Barney's ear, Barney makes "oh" face].

BARNEY: Wow! Robin never did that! Nor did any other woman I slept with! And now here's your chance to enjoy some kinky acts you have missed for 18 years. BTW, remind me to put that in my playbook.

TED: I dunno, it wouldn't be fair to Robin. She's my wife now.

BARNEY: So is Tracy! She didn't divorce you! She died, so she's still your wife! Now is your chance to enjoy the best of both worlds! It's not cheating or dirty!

Enter Robin with flared nostril ridges and wide, unblinking eyes.

ROBIN: WHAT ARE MY HUSBAND AND EX-HUSBAND TALKING ABOUT? WHAT ISN'T CHEATING OR DIRTY?

TED: Oh my God! She has that face!

BARNEY: RUN!

TED: Don't take a picture!

[Barney and Ted run away screaming]

End of Act 8.