I am not happy with this one and am posting it because I promised I would update tonight even if its technically Thursday now. I could not really figure out how to write what I wanted to write without it getting too maudlin and out of character so put up with it. Any suggestions are welcome even if I might not end up using them.
I will probably post another one before weekend.
Happy reading!
Chapter 58
"In some cultures, its consider rude to smile alone." I was startled a little by Sidney. I knew he would follow me here but still.
"And in others, sneaking up on people while they are smiling."
"I thought smiling was not one of those activities."
"You thought wrong, Sigmund!"
"So." He shoved his hands in his pockets and looked at me.
"So?"
"Are you mocking me, Hawkeye?" He smiled when I copied him.
"I wouldn't dare. I know you have the power to put someone in a strait jacket. I am in mortal fear of your powers, Your Shrinkness."
"Sword of Damocles, you say?"
"Sword of Damocles, I say."
He smiled at my vain attempt at humor before continuing.
"You wanted to talk about BJ."
"Is that a question?"
"No. Its not a question. I know you do."
"Yeah. I do. I am worried about him."
"Why?"
"Have you seen him? Really seen him? He looks like a pale ghost of a shadow of his former self."
"Yes. I think I saw that though I won't be that poetic about it."
"I am worried, Sidney."
"Is he the only one you are worried about?"
"Right now? Yeah. Have you seen him? Drinking like that? And moods all over the place. Have you seen his eyes. They look lifeless. Especially with the circles under them."
"Have you had a look at your own self lately?" He asked me, making me wonder who was it really he wanted to talk about.
"Yeah. I did. I am fine. I know how to ..." I was cut off by Sidney. That was a new one. He usually let people finish talking before piping in.
"Take care of yourself?" His tone was rhetorical.
"Yeah. Besides, I don't think things too hard. I am good at managing it all."
"Uh huh. But you think he isn't?" Speaketh the shrink. How did they learn to speak like that? I wondered briefly.
"I did not say that!" I replied indignantly remembering Sidney's talents.
"What are you worried about?"
"He should not be here." I spoke silently this time.
"None of us should." Sidney was matter of fact, as usual.
"I know!" I raised my hands in defeat before continuing, "I know, Sidney. But...Look at him. He left a new mother with a tiny little baby back home."
"There are so many like him out here, Hawkeye."
"I KNOW! Damnit, I know."
"Its something you cannot control, Hawkeye!"
"I kinda figured that one out myself, no thanks to you."
"Hawkeye!"
"Yeah?"
"Does he know you are this worried about him?"
"I think so. Why?"
"Then he knows whom to ask for help."
"He is a stubborn idiot." I replied, somewhat heatedly. This was the first time I was venting all the pent up worry and fury about BJ I was holding back for last few weeks.
He chuckled.
"Are you making fun of me?" I asked him, looking into his eyes and seeing the tiredness hiding behind the smile and the cool exterior.
"Cummon Hawkeye! How long since you've known me?" He asked me rhetorically and I smiled.
"Not long enough, I would say." I said rhetorically.
"And I thought you were a pretty good judge of character."
"I thought so too, Sigmund."
"This is the second time you have called me Sigmund."
"What does that signify?" I said in a challenging tone, daring him to call me crazy.
"That you have run out of better ways of calling me names."
"Ah." I just smiled at his jab.
"Listen Hawkeye. There are things you can fix, change, control. And there are things you cannot. And when you cannot, its better to let them be."
I looked at him wondering what he was implying at. The war or BJ? Or something else entirely?
I just nodded my head.
"Hawkeye!"
"Yeah, Sidney?"
"You know something?"
"Either I know it or its not worth knowing." Deflection was always the best policy. But he did not become Sigmund of Korean theater for nothing. Nothing deterred him!
"You think too much!"
I just looked at him. For a shrink, he was surprisingly forthcoming and unequivocal today.
Maybe he had a point there. If only I could stop thinking all the time...
"Know a way to stop that?"
"You know why you think so much?"
"Because I am crazy?"
"Oh no Hawkeye! No. You got it wrong. Crazy? Your are one of the sanest men I know. Especially considering the insanity you are living in the middle of." He chuckled lightly.
"Yeah? If you heard the stunts I pulled last few days, you would revise your opinion." I kicked a stone on the ground, remembering the last time I was here, throwing stones out in the distance.
"Do you think you are insane?" Why was he asking me something that obvious?
"Is that a trick question?"
"See! You have a great weapon that fights insanity."
I looked at him quizzically. I hated weapons and I was sure he was not talking about one of the noise makers we were all issued in Basic.
"The still?"
He laughed at this answer before continuing.
"Maybe your second biggest weapon then."
"You want me to guess? I am not ready to play twenty questions until I know the stakes."
"Its your sense of humor." I thought he would keep me guessing but maybe he was not ready for twenty questions either.
"Ah!" Maybe I was hoping for a Eureka moment, clothes not withstanding.
"You are not impressed." He looked at me seriously.
"That sense of humor alone makes me feel I am fit to fit into a wacketeria. I am thinking of giving it out on loan and try living without it for a while." He smiled at this before continuing.
"You think turning serious would help you?"
"I am sure being a clown does not help me a whole lot and maybe its time I try spending a day without it."
"Why? Something happened?"
"No. Nothing happened. Its just...Something I figured, that's all. Part of growing up, I suppose." I looked into the distance at some rocks dislodge and making a tiny avalanche.
"Don't do that."
"Don't do what? Give up being an idiot all the time?"
"Yeah. If you want to call it that. It keeps you sane!"
"Right. And I thought it was BJ and the still, not necessarily in that order."
"Ever had a conversation with a mule?"
"Not that I remember."
"Trust me. Its tiring!"
"And how would you know that? Brooklyn is not famous for its mules."
"But Crabapple Cove is."
"The rapier wit. Or maybe you had too much to drink."
"Maybe. I think I will have another cup of coffee. Its getting cold here."
"You Southerners! What do you know of cold?" I spoke in a nasal New England accent before starting towards mess tent.
"Never knew someone could call Brooklyn South. You might lose vital body parts for calling it that, ya know."
"So you are saying I should leave BJ alone?"
"I did not say that."
"Then?"
"Just stop driving yourself crazy for everything that goes wrong around here. Learn from Potter."
"What? Painting? Horse riding? Running a nuthouse? I do not envy him his job."
"Whose job do you envy?" What had gotten into him today?
"Another trick question?" I had to think hard this time. And in all honesty, I could not come up with a single person whose job I envied.
"Humor me! Who do you envy?"
"Cannot think of anyone, really."
"But you hate the war more than anyone I know."
"Yeah. But I don't hate it because I am stuck here. I mean, not just for myself. I hate it for all that its cost everyone, here or back home. Its hard on everyone."
"Not on the generals back home. You should envy them."
"I cannot. I might feel sorry for them but I don't want what they have. I don't need that." I shuddered at the thought of envying them. I knew I was desperate but even I wasn't that far gone.
"Why?"
"I cannot send kids in harm's way while enjoying a weenie roast with a fine red wine. I cannot live with such decisions on my conscience."
"This coffee is horrible."
"Welcome to our world, Comrade!" I thanked him in my heart for changing the subject.
"So you hate the war on behalf of everybody. Is that it?"
"Cummon, Sid. I am not an altruist."
"I would never accuse you of that." I could see his lips twitching. Maybe he HAD more than enough to drink earlier.
"I would not wait for every soldier to return home before I pack my bag. My shorts will have to catch up with me once I get my orders."
"Ever thought about not thinking so much?"
"Everyday, Sidney. Everyday. What do you think still is there for?" I took a deep sigh without realizing it at first.
"Oh..." I saw comprehension dawn on his face.
"Exactly. I am no fun when I am not drunk." I smiled weakly.
He smiled too before making a face at the coffee he was sipping.
"Bet they don't have such eclectic cuisine in your nuthouse in Tokyo."
"Geneva Convention is still respected there, fella!" He smiled.
Our session had ended, leaving me none the wiser.
"So you don't have any advice for me?"
"I gave it to you. Repeat broadcast costs bucks."
"To retain my sense of humor?" I was still a little incredulous at his lack of...At his inability to help me help BJ.
"BJ will be fine, Hawkeye."
"How do you...You TALKED TO HIM." I looked at him disbelievingly.
"You talked to him and he told you something that makes you think he will be fine and you did not tell me and you let me worry like this all this time?"
"I did not say that."
"The hell you did not." I could not hide my relief which far outgunned my desire to pluck out every hair in his mutache and I grinned.
"And another thing: You will be fine too."
My smile faded a little at this but I was suddenly feeling lighter. Now only if my ploy worked...
"And another thing. You know the curse of sanity?"
"I think I do but do tell, Sahib."
"Too much introspection and reflection."
"So in short, you are saying that since I am sane, I am bound to be very introspective and reflective which will eventually drive me insane. Is it just me or this scenario is a little too...shall we say, Insane?"
"I did not say it would drive you insane."
"But I know it would."
He had no answer to this. He knew, just as I did that I was right.