CHAPTER THIRTY
Dear me; thirty chapters of the third portion of my story. I honestly can't believe that I made it this far. I started writing this story of my life a couple of months ago and even though I was gung-ho on it in the beginning I have slowed down but it is what I anticipated. The first section of my book was all about the exciting days of new love, when Edward and I were young, fun and flirty. The second part I went on to dive deeper into our relationship when things could no longer be just young, fun and flirty. And now I managed to get through one of the tougher parts of the third portion. Not to say that from here on out things got easier in my life but I always knew that writing on my dad's death was going to be particularly difficult.
Oh no, things did not get easier but as I start to think about my life after my dad's death a lot happened which makes me think that I probably will go on for another thirty chapters before I get to my last page. Funny, I already wrote my last page. I already know where I want my book to end and I will warn you; I have a feeling that many readers will not like me for it.
But I have you here now and as long as you keep following me down the rabbit hole then I will continue onward.
After Edward's and my talk; things did change in our household. Edward was one hundred percent serious when he said that he was going to take on the task of bringing communication, respect and yes punishment back into our relationship. He held his promise to me and never did spank, smack or hit me in any way but he was an actor and what are actors? They're creative and Edward was very creative in finding ways to punish me for any transgression. In fact I never knew one could do so much with handcuffs…but I'll get to those later.
But Edward also maintained patience. Sometimes it felt like he had all the time in the world. Far more patience then I had. He had no problem holding me hostage until I communicated with him my fears, thoughts or feelings on nearly anything. Unfortunately Edward had mastered me, and in some ways I thought maybe he could even read my mind but that wasn't the case; Edward had mastered how to read me. Sometimes he knew even before I did that I was planning on holding back or even worse, lying.
In some ways I truly do believe that this lifestyle is what saved me. Looking back on that period in my life I was tense, stressed and worried. Even if I managed to find ways to look positive and strong on the outside something I did for my family and friends; on the inside I was always so close to breaking. Edward could see this and he found a way to help me in a way which I found acceptable. Not to say that I was always so cheery on the idea of punishment but after it was over the release I experienced was invigorating.
I know the term punishment may make some of you think horrendous things so if it bothers you then just replace the word punishment with partner building exercises. Will that make you feel better? I wasn't punished I was enduring a partner building exercise.
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences or A.M.P.A.S as they're referred to, by the grace of god managed to green lite my performance idea. I imagine because I agreed to pick up the bill on every aspect including a nice tidy sum for the worker's compensation insurance for just in case. It wasn't the flying aspect they were worried about; seeing how they had done it many times throughout the show's history. It was the combination of spinning and flying. Apparently a lot could go wrong with that combination.
Scott had to work with experts in the industry on learning wire work, something that he had been timid on at first but when he finally got up in the sound stage and was really able to give it a go, he loved it. I had to put some work in as well and it's not as easy as some make it look. There is a lot of muscle strength that goes into keeping oneself steady and upright. However this was minimal work to the pain and suffering I had to go through when it came time to explain to Marcus that the dress he made for the performance needed to be cut in certain places to allow room for the wires.
"You!" Marcus clutched the satin red ball gown in his hands; holding it close to his body like a rapid dog about to lunge. He stood pointing one menacing finger in my direction. "You come in here and dare think to suggest turning one of my masterpieces into some holy monstrosity."
"Marcus, I am not asking that you change the dress I just need you to put two small little openings for the wires."
"How exactly are you planning to make two small holes without altering the integrity of my design? When you came to me a couple of weeks back and asked me to make this based off of your little napkin scribble; did you at any time think you should bring up the fact that you planned on being hoisted up into the air and spun around like some crazed Mary Poppins?"
I almost laughed at the memory of my napkin scribble. You would have thought that I had brought in some contaminated waste with the way he held up my design in disgust. He stated with the money I made these days you'd think I could pop for a sketch book. I had a sketch book but when I took the girls for breakfast one morning it was either using a napkin or the place mat from the Denny's restaurant to draw out my sudden inspiration. The place mat was Gracie's lifeline when the waitress gave her crayons to use on it, so napkin it was.
"I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking about the wires, I guess. I was just so excited to see what you would make and you made an amazingly beautiful dress. I don't mean to ruin your creation but if you don't make the adjustments for the wires then I will have to wear the harness over the dress and I think that would ruin your vision significantly." I might as well have been on my knees begging him to see reason.
Marcus plopped down on a stool still clutching his dress, "I just don't know what to do with you."
"I know. Being friends with me isn't easy." I apologized.
"Being friends with you is very easy; being a designer for you, well sometimes I want to wring your neck. I already have to take in quite a few inches since someone decided to go on the Hollywood diet the past couple of weeks." He huffed.
"I didn't lose that much." I defended.
"Are you kidding me? You look like a skeleton. It's disgusting. You're definitely down to a size four."
"Really?" I gasped and turned around to find a mirror to examine myself. I pulled my clothes to tighten them around me.
"Stop it." Marcus barked and then tossed the dress to his work table. "Really, Bella. This is something you should not celebrate. You look gaunt and contrary to popular belief this," He said waving a hand up and down, "Is not sexy."
"It's the thinnest I've ever been." I replied longingly into the mirror.
"I liked you much better before and I'm sure your fiancé would agree."
I turned back to him. "So…do you think you can fix the dress?" I asked timid.
"Fix it? It's already fixed. You want me to destroy it and yes I can destroy the dress…for you."
"Thank you." I replied sincerely.
"But you have to do me a favor. For the love of god; eat something."
I laughed a little, "Trust me with Edward patrol; I can't escape a two thousand calorie diet these days. I'll be back to my ole plumpy self in no time."
"Good because I refuse to alter any more dresses after this including the big white one in there." Marcus retorted waving a hand toward the closet where my wedding dress rest in peace.
"Well, you might need to hold on to that one for a while. Don't know when we are going to be needing that." I sighed.
Marcus came over to me, "Bella, whatever it is that you're waiting for, believe me when I tell you; Edward is worth more. Don't give up on love. It's the only thing worth living for."
I wasn't giving up on love. I just wanted to hold off for a little while. I was waiting for the coast to clear. Was it safe?
Scott and I had been practicing the blocking using the wires in one of Warner Bros. empty sound stages. They managed to use a set up very similar to the one we would find at the Kodak Theatre. It was three days before the 81st Academy Awards. Today was our first rehearsal using the set that I had commissioned to be built. Tomorrow was the full dress rehearsal.
The Kodak was busy when I arrived. People running every which way. I'm sure it must have been similar to when we went to rehearsal for the Grammy's but I could hardly remember anything from that day. I arrived earlier then the boys because I needed to have a sit down with the stage managers and directors for a brief meeting to discuss the direction of the performance.
I guess I should mention that Edward did try to come with me to rehearsal today; I worked hard to get him to believe that I didn't want him to see all my hard work when it was in its raw form. I wanted it to be a surprise when he saw it with everyone else come Oscar Sunday, well at least that's what I told him. In the long run it didn't matter if Edward would have come since Scott and I agreed to leave the kiss for the big show. Instead we just ran through the motions not practicing the kiss.
It was Oscar Sunday before you knew it and every part of yesterday's rehearsal went wrong. One of the directors of the Academy Awards got this brilliant idea of having the buildings that were our set pieces move as Scott and I were hoisted over them to give off the effect that we were flying over the passing city. Great idea but bad execution. The guys had to get used to being moved around on the buildings while they played their instruments, something that they didn't account for. In addition the set wasn't designed with that in mind and it took them two hours to place the set pieces on better rollers. Then To top it all off Scott and I decided to go for the kiss in rehearsal and ended up practically head butting each other hurting our teeth in the process. It was a miracle that we both still had all our teeth after that, plus it was just plain embarrassing.
I told Scott that maybe we should change it into a strong embrace instead since we hadn't practiced being that close together on wires. With the combination of spinning it really wasn't like I had pictured for the kiss. I guess Edward will never know.
"Mommy, you look beautiful. When can I get to be beautiful and wear pretty dresses?" Gracie asked.
Savannah, Gracie and Becky were sitting around in my bathroom watching as hair and makeup put me together.
"You already are beautiful plus you can wear pretty dresses whenever you feel like it, just so long as you don't get them dirty." I replied.
"But I want to wear makeup." She whined.
"You don't need to wear makeup. Your skin is flawless." I told her.
"Gracie, I can paint your fingernails if you like. It's makeup for your nails." Becky offered.
"All righty." She got up quickly to go and find a nail polish and I thanked Becky for doing this.
"Uncle Edward I'm getting fingernail makeup." Gracie shouted running right into Edward.
"Oh, you are? Maybe you should ask Jacob if he would like some as well. Tell him to be sure pick a color to match his tux." Edward laughed and Gracie took off to probably go and bug Jacob.
"Hey honey, what time do you think you will be ready?" Edward came up behind.
"Um…forty minutes?" I estimated.
"Great, I'll start getting ready. I'll be in the guest room." Edward lifted the garment bag for his tuxedo up and off the door hanger taking it with him. Sometimes it still burned me up that he could get ready in such little time.
"Mom, I was wondering if you would come to my lesson this week." Savannah asked.
"Of course I'll come. Maybe I can ride with you. I used to love horseback riding when I was your age." I smiled over to her.
"Did you take lessons too?" she asked.
"No, but whenever my family went on vacations I would try to find a place to go. My sister and I used to love it." I reminisced.
Gracie came running back in with her nail makeup color and Becky got straight away to the task.
"So Becky, have you started thinking about colleges? You still have one more year after this semester but have you thought about where you want to go?" I asked.
"Well I'd like to stay around here but I really want to try out dorm life too. I was thinking about looking into UCLA. They have a good film program and I have been thinking about maybe taking a few classes and seeing what interests me." She replied.
"UCLA is a great school and dorm life is definitely worth trying. I loved living in the dorms I honestly think that it opened up my eyes to a whole new world. Don't let your brother talk you out of it either. We all know how Jacob can get sometimes." I rolled my eyes.
Becky was every parent's wet dream so Jacob was lucky when he took over guardianship. Becky never acted out. She was a straight A student but every once in a while she would want to hang out with her friends, go to a party, a movie, anything and Jacob would go all big brother on her and start demanding to meet these people just to make sure they weren't bad influences. Which would be fine if it wasn't his mission to find something wrong in her friends. A couple of times I had to step in and stop him. She was a good girl and with what she has been given in life I think we could trust her to not go all Lohan on us.
Sorry that was referential; type Lindsay Lohan into a search engine and you will find the hot mess that took up much of the tabloid press back in the day.
The final task was to get my dress on. Marcus and I had another argument when it came to this dress. I loved the red satin ball gown that I was going to be wearing for the performance and told him that I would just plan to wear that for my red carpet dress. The look of horror on his face you would have thought I told him that I was planning on wearing a cat costume to the Governor's after party ball.
It was a shame he won the argument because I rather liked that red ball gown and was sad to know that I would only be wearing it for five minutes before it retired to a closet where dresses go after they've been worn just once. Oh the humanity if one was caught wearing something twice in Hollywood.
So now Marcus was personally stuffing me into a tight black corseted gown which happily showed off my new skelator figure as he was sure to point out but it was rather uncomfortable and I couldn't imagine sitting in this thing for four hours and then going to the ball directly after. The dress was oddly reminiscent of the massive dress I wore at my Grammy performance and I wonder if there was a reason for that.
"Stand still." Marcus grunted.
"Uhhh. Owwww." I gritted though my teeth.
"Well, you were the one who wanted to look like a third world hospital patient. I need to make it tighter." Marcus grumbled.
Gracie laughed at the pair of us. "Mommy, Uncle Marcus is always so funny."
I couldn't help but laugh back. "Isn't he?"
"Wow. Is this for me?" Edward walked in and embarrassingly I gasped. God how I loved him in a tux. He looked like James Bond.
"Give me a minute." Marcus snapped. One last tug and I was in. "Now she's all yours."
Edward walked over and placed an arm around my waist and pulled me toward him. "My god, you are ravishing." He smiled before pulling me into a soft kiss probably making sure to not mess up my lipstick.
"Thank you, I was just thinking the same thing…only about you." I finished lamely. Only Edward could pull off suave.
"Bella, where is your jewelry." Marcus demanded. I turned and started to frown a little.
"Please tell me you aren't planning on going to the Oscars naked?" Marcus gasped.
"Well, I don't need jewels. I have a long beautiful dress and a very flashy man on my arm." I argued ending it by sticking my tongue out.
"Calm down Marcus, you didn't think I would allow her to go to the Oscars naked did you?" Edward shook his head and magically a box appeared. "Besides, I would never want my girl to wear rented jewelry."
"Edward…I…" I started shaking my head.
"Yes. You will accept these. This is a very special occasion. Not every day you are nominated for an Academy Award." Edward popped open the box and nestled inside were two gorgeous canary diamond drop earrings surrounded by small white diamonds and a bracelet to match.
"Ohhh wow. They're exquisite." Marcus gasped trying to nose his way in.
"Yes they are." I agreed.
"Put them on I want to see." Edward coaxed.
"Yes. Yes. Put them on." Marcus was practically jumping up and down.
I pulled the earrings out of the box and walked over to the sink counter; looking into the mirror I secured each earring in its place. Beautiful, yes. Heavy, most definitely. Edward walked up and helped place the bracelet around my wrist.
"Perfect." Marcus sighed.
"Yes she is." Edward leaned down and placed a kiss on my neck.
"Thank you Edward." I said.
"You're welcome. Now we best be going." Edward pulled me along with him. Jacob must have already been on his way. I gave the girls a hug and kiss before leaving.
"We'll see you at the Vanity Fair after party, Marcus." I called out. "Thank you so much."
Now it was time.
"Nervous?" Edward asked when we were riding in the limo.
"Yes but I think it's probably not for the right reasons." I replied. I hadn't even been noticing that I was balling up parts of my dress and squeezing the chiffon. Edward took my hands in his stopping me. I hope I didn't wrinkle it too badly; Marcus would have my head.
"There are no wrong reasons. What has you worried?" he asked.
"I am actually worried about…winning." I cringed.
"Well, I voted for you." Edward smiled.
"Why would you do that?" I asked outraged. "Sorry…I mean…thanks."
"Bella, why wouldn't you want to win? It's a great honor."
"I don't know." I decided quickly to move off the topic so then I offered up my second worry. "Also I just am kind of thinking about having to do the press line. I don't feel well about that. They're going to want to ask all these personal questions and I don't know how I am going to handle that."
"First of all; you really suck at misdirection but we'll come back to that." Edward started.
Damn it!
"Second. You leave it to me. I will make sure to answer any personal question plus I believe my publicist has already asked the press corp to respect our privacy and the professionals on the red carpet are pretty good at respecting those requests. Now back to worry one. Why don't you want to win?"
I didn't want to tell him.
"Bella." He squeezed my hand to tempt me to speak.
"Mr. Cullen, Miss Swan. We've arrived." The driver called back to us.
I breathed a sigh of relief and turned to exit the car but Edward pulled me back.
"Give us a moment." Edward replied to our driver.
"Edward, we're going to stop traffic." I exclaimed. I looked over my shoulder to see the lines of cars around us all trying to get to the same location to let out their riders.
"Then you better start talking to me. I could sit here all day." Edward folded his arms and started to hum like he would do just that; sit there all day causing a major traffic jam.
"This is embarrassing. Come on already." I whined.
"Embarrassing? I'm not embarrassed but if you are then I suggest you start talking and then we can get a move on." Edward replied.
The cars behind us began to honk and you could see our poor driver standing outside waiting for the cue to open the door waving his arms to get the other drivers to pass us. I started to breathe heavily; all the chaos was causing what I think was some sort of panic attack.
Edward grabbed on to my shoulders and shook me a little.
"Focus on me. Nothing else matters. There is no one outside. Calm. Breathe. Calm, Bella. Focus on me."
Slowly my breathes slowed and I managed to tune out the world outside of our limo.
"Why are you worried about winning tonight?" Edward asked calmly.
"I…" I began.
"Close your eyes." Edward said softly and I complied which helped my breathing.
"If I win tonight…something bad is going to happen…I don't want any more bad things to happen." I recited calmly.
"That's not true. Bella, look at me." Edward requested. I opened my eyes and looked into his eyes. "It's not true, baby. If you win tonight; nothing bad is going to happen as a result of it. Bad things do happen but it's in result to good things that come our way. Understand?"
I nodded my head. I felt hypnotized by his voice and I believe that if he had told me I could fly I would have believed him at that moment.
"Okay baby. Ready?" he asked? Again I nodded. Edward leaned over and once more he placed a soft kiss upon my lips. "Let's go."
Edward knocked on the door and I'm sure the much relieved driver gladly opened the door. Edward reached out a hand to me and helped pull me up from the seat. It felt like I had been away from all this madness for so long that once again I felt slightly overwhelmed. The helicopters flying overhead. The screams from the bleachers filled with autograph seekers and star gazers. Men in black suits combing the crowds for security. The massive dresses that lined the bright red carpet and of course the press with microphones and or recording devices all ready.
We had planned our arrival around the Liberty Project boys' arrival so that we could do some interviews and photos with each other. I was thankful for them because between them and Edward both were able to run interference for me to be left with phrases like, "So honored to be nominated" and "I just want to thank my fans for their support of me the past couple of weeks."
Inside the grand theatreI was met with friends, acquaintances and colleagues in our industry. Many people who knew me but not well came up to offer a congratulations or quick hello. Closer friends would hug me and we would share the common pleasantries. Edward had planned it all perfectly to allow not much time for press and friends. We needed to take our seats straightaway for the show.
It was a welcome relief to get out of my dress even if for only a little while. The black dress was certainly tight and uncomfortable. The red dress for the performance was very comfortable however the harness I had to wear under it, wasn't.
"Bella." Scott ran over to me.
"You still have to get attached to your wires and in position. Go!" I shooed him away.
"We should do the kiss."
I was in the middle of having a couple of guys help me into my wires.
"What? No. It didn't work. We don't have the strength to not knock ourselves out and we haven't practiced it successfully even once." I replied rushed.
"We can do this and you're right; this song is about love and your vision was spot on. It won't be as impacting if we just embrace. Look, I'm going in for the kiss and if it means your fiancé punches my lights out then so be it. See you on stage." Scott jogged off and left me with my mouth opened.
Idiot! He's going to get us hurt.
I stood in my spot. Focus. I readied myself by focusing on the performance and imaging the whole thing. The boys started up their instruments and Scott began.
Distance from you to me.
Distance; the pain when you're away from me.
And I want your love
But I should let you go
If I loved you so
I just want to let go.
The guitars and drums started up gaining strength. Louder and louder the went. I walked forward out onto the roof of my building. I could hardly make out the audience because the lights were so bright.
Please don't leave me here.
I can't let you go after all I have seen
Please don't let me go.
I want to drown in your love.
Hold me tightly.
Where are you now?
Why have you left me and why do you let me go.
Scott "flew" up to join me. Focus. Character. Focus Bella. I imagined Edward. A hand upon my check as eyes gazed down upon me. A slow kiss placed on my forehead. I look up and my eyes never leave as he pulls me up and secures a strong arm around my waist, I place my hands up around his neck and just like that we are floating, flying.
The pain we feel; like being split in two.
The time passes; nothing will change
You can try to leave but I'll still be there.
One last moment; I want to stay with you
I have fallen.
Fallen
Love, we fall not fly.
The world below us passing us by
We held onto each other stronger than we ever did in rehearsal. We had to maintain focus on each other to not become dizzy. We spun and then Scott reached his hand up and pulled my face in and we kissed. No teeth colliding. No tongue. I want to reiterate; no tongue.
When we finally did pull away from each other I was so overjoyed that we had managed to accomplish it that the rest of the song I just went through the motions. I couldn't wait to see the playback. I was relieved and gratified and honestly it didn't matter that I didn't win the award because I had a much better trade-off. That performance pushed me back into a professional light and I felt proud.
After the lights and curtain went down; the guys and I all cheered with relief.
"That was awesome." Scott screamed.
"Thank you. Thank you so much. You believed in this when I couldn't." I hugged him and then a couple of stage managers had to push us toward the dressing rooms so they could reset for the next part of the show. Marcus with a sly smile met me back in the dressing room to help me get back into my dress.
"Quite a performance." He said.
"Thank you. Truly Marcus, I couldn't have done this without you." I replied.
"Oh no, missy. That was all you. You think I want to accept credit for something that I'm sure your fiancé will have words over." Marcus started to undress me out of the lovely satin gown and help me back into the tight black number. "As far as I am concerned you did this all on your own. You designed the dress on your own. You sewed it on your own and I was never near you. Even now if Edward asks I wash my hands of you and that kiss."
"Oh Marcus. Edward's a professional. He'll understand." I rolled my eyes.
"Understand that his fiancé didn't give him the heads up? I think not. But you go ahead and keep believing that."
When I finally arrived back to my seat I have to admit I was suddenly nervous. What if Marcus was right?
"Baby you did amazing." Edward stood up to greet me and pull me in for a brief kiss on the cheek. Never mind I was right. Edward was a professional and understood that sometimes you had to do things to enhance a performance.
"Thank you." I sat back down in my seat and he held onto my hand tightly. "Here everyone was worried you might be upset." I laughed.
"Why would I be upset?" he paused. "Oh…the kiss?" he asked.
"Yeah, I told everyone that you would understand." I replied shaking my head at their preposterousness.
"Well, let's watch the show. I don't understand a few things but I'm sure when we get home you will have all the time in the world to enlighten me."
What did that mean? I looked over to him concerned.
"Don't worry about it now, baby. I think you and I just really need to work on our communication and I think I have the best way to do just that." Edward turned back to the stage where the host had walked back on.
Suddenly that kiss didn't seem like such a good idea.
AN: So yes that last chapter certainly received a mixed bag of reviews. I know several "guests" dropped the story and to them I say thank you for taking the time to read, review and add to my traffic and review count. For the brave souls deciding to continue onward; I say a much larger thank you for your dedication and support.
As some of you might know the great purge of 2013 is going on right now on this site. Unfortunately some of us didn't get the memo that we were being thrown back into 1692 where one could be burned at the stake for mentions of certain ungodly themes. Okay, I'm being over dramatic; persons found guilty were not burned at the stake in 1692 they were meerly hanged...If it happens where one of your favorite stories are pulled from this website including this series; there are other websites with slightly more liberal views on creativity where you could go to and obtain these stories. Fiction Pad and The writers coffee shop or TWCS are great websites to use. I am still IBACULLEN on those sites as well if you care to find me or the A Working Title Series.
Thank you once more for reading and taking the extra time to review; I truly appreciate it!