CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

The nice hot sprays of water come down upon us and I let out a nice loud groan of appreciation to the hot water gods.

"Ah-mazing!" I said aloud.

After a rather amusing discussion over just how Edward was planning on getting off our shirts which I couldn't help but be smug about; he finally went and cut them off. I didn't have it in me to tell him we would have the same problem come putting clothes back on. Well, I had a dress that I could put on without requiring placing my arm through a hole. Edward, not so much. Just the thought when he came to this realization had me gitty.

But back to my fuckawesome shower. It was lulling me into a nice restful, relaxing place. I laid my head on Edward's chest and with his free hand he started to run his fingers through my hair placing small kisses on my head. He stopped the fingers in my hair to give my neck a light massage. I was completely at his mercy. I tipped my head back and Edward pulled me to him; kissing me as the steamy shower just happened to get a tad more steamy.

I pushed my tongue into his mouth and with my free hand I pulled him closer. I was on my tippy toes relying on Edward to keep me steady. I needed this. No space. I needed no space. I could feel him hardening on my stomach and it took everything in me to not jump on. Instead I slowly started to stroke him.

"Wait baby." He stopped me slightly pushing me off.

"Why?" I asked.

"Not right now. Please I just want to wash you." I looked down confused as to why he wouldn't jump on this opportunity. I mean at this point it had been well over a month since we last made love.

"Baby, please." He continued.

"I…just don't understand." I replied truthfully.

"Why don't we wash up and I'll talk to you in the bedroom." Edward said.

I turned away from him confused. So, so confused. Why wouldn't he want this? Was it me? Did he not find me attractive anymore? I don't understand. I know that Marcus jokingly called me skelator but I think it was safe to say that I was still a long way off from that. I mean I was down two sizes since the last time we had sex; you'd think Edward would be all over this now more than ever.

"Baby. Please stop thinking. I can tell that you are already off the mark."

Self-consciously I tried to cover myself. God, I felt stupider now than when we first started exploring each other sexually.

"Bella." Edward called again.

"Would you just; please give me…space." I gasped. "Focus on yourself. I need…." I started to pant. Trying to catch my breath as millions of reasons flooded my head.

"Stop it." Edward ordered. "Look at me." He pulled me to him and forced my chin up to look up into his eyes. "This has nothing to do with all the silly horrible thoughts that are going through your mind. I have been thinking a lot lately and we haven't had sex in quite a while but the more I think about it. I want to wait. I want the next time I make love to you, to be your husband. I want to make love to my wife. Officially."

Huh?

I stood there staring up at him. What? I mean WHAT?

"Why?" I asked somewhat disgusted by the idea. "Is this some thing you're doing because you're punishing me for not marrying you a couple of weeks ago?"

"No. Why would you think that?" He paused. "God, Bella."

He started looking around like he was trying to figure something out.

"I didn't know exactly that's what I wanted until just now. You were starting to go there and I had already been thinking about it but then it just clicked. I want to wait. I'm not asking you to rush back into marrying me just so we can have sex. I have heard that some couples try abstinence before their married to make that first time as husband and wife a little more meaningful." He explained.

"But, we've been doing it…like a lot…before. Why stop now?" I asked.

"Making love to you is the single greatest pleasure I have. Knowing that you are mine in every single way; I know that the next time will be quite possibly the best love-making moment in my life. You as my wife. Everyone will know that you are mine and I am yours."

"But…why couldn't we have one last hurrah before you decide to do this. I mean I have no idea when I will be ready again to try to get married. What if it's months? Years? You want to go all that time with…nothing?"

"Yes." He said simply.

"But…"

"Bella." Edward pulled me to him and kissed me on the forehead. "Baby, please don't think into this. I just really want our first time to be special when you are my wife. I promise I will make it worth your while."

And then I did something incredibly stupid. My mouth got ahead of my brain.

"But…what if it turns gray and falls out?" I cried.

I could hit Jacqueline Wayne for ever putting that stupid thought into my head. Now when I needed to make a good case; I surly just lost it.

"What?" Edward rightfully asked.

"Never mind." I shook my head and turned around to try to finish my shower. Edward using our handy little link to one another pulled me back by the cuff.

"What is going to turn grey and fall out?" he asked.

"It's nothing. It's stupid. Just forget it." I huffed.

"No. Tell me. It obviously upset you. I want to know." He pushed.

I couldn't tell him. I mean I'm sure the man already worked out that I wasn't exactly a rocket scientist. If I told him, it would just give him one more reason to not have sex with me. I mean how unattractive is that?

"Tell me or I will restrict your bathroom privileges and push back our little experiment twelve more hours." Edward threatened.

"Come on. It's embarrassing. It doesn't have any relevance. Just forget it." I complained.

But he was resolved. Edward had resolved face on.

"Ughhhhh." I groaned out frustrated. "Last night, Jacqueline said that you have to keep it pink and if you don't use it meaning your..." I motioned down to the culprit that was up for discussion. "it will turn grey and fall out."

Edward stared at me for a long minute before busting into a fit of laughter.

"I told you it was stupid." I stomped one my feet down in anger.

"You…you…oh my god…"Edward couldn't stop laughing.

"Stop it. It's not funny. It's already been over a month…you don't know." I fought.

"Bella. You can't seriously believe that?" Edward managed to speak a little more clearly.

"No. I don't know. I mean, who knows with me. I seem to have a lot problems down there and I wouldn't put it past karma to find a nice little funny ways of paying me back." I folded my arms over my chest and continued to pout.

"Karma? What could you have possibly done to deserve bad karma?" Edward asked.

"I don't know but it seems to keep biting me in the ass." I shook my head and once more turned around to grab the soap.

"Baby, you dad is not a result of your bad karma. You of all people do not have bad karma."

I didn't answer him because I couldn't agree with him.

"Honey, you didn't do anything wrong. You have to stop believing that. Your dad is probably looking down on you right now mad at me for not kicking your ass. You have to stop believing this."

And even though we moved back into serious territory I couldn't help but make a joke.

"If my dad was looking down on me right now; he would be mad at himself for not being able to kick your ass for showering with his unwed daughter while using his old handcuffs in some twisted kinky fashion."

"You're right. You win…but these are not your dad's handcuffs…ew!" Edward shuttered at the thought.

I smiled back at him and finally we got back to finishing our shower with the score being celibate Cullen; one and horny Swan; none.

We were in the closet after we managed to dry ourselves off and Edward let me go to my side of the closet first to pick out my strapless dress; strapless bra and undies. Then we walked to Edward's side and I nearly ran into the back of him when it finally dawned on him that Edward didn't have a strapless anything.

I stood there smiling triumphantly. "Something wrong, Edward."

"You are getting way too much pleasure out of this." He remarked.

"Hey gotta get my kicks someway since someone took my favorite toy away."

"It's fine I will just make do with the shirt I cut up. See I can be a team player." Edward picked up our shredded clothes and swiftly put the cut up white t-shirt back on. Of course one side flopped over since there was nothing holding it up and he kind of looked like Tarzan.

"You know in fashion that's what we would call a one shouldered hot number." I laughed. "Come here. Let me tie it for you at least." I tied up the mess. It didn't look good but at least it wouldn't be flopping all over the place.

"Thank you, honey." Edward replied.

"Now you get to help me into my outfit." I leaned down and Edward went with me so I could step into my dress and pull it right on up. Getting the bra on wasn't so difficult. This task of dressing ourselves that would normally take us a couple of minutes turned into twenty.

Brushing our teeth turned out to be a little more difficult with the added weight of Edward's hand. It didn't even occur to me that when I held out my wrist last night that I should have picked the less dominant hand. Damn it! What was I thinking giving him access to my right hand?

Now it was on to breakfast…or lunch. Since we had taken so long in the shower it was getting quite late. The girls would be home in a couple of hours and I guess we needed to figure out what to tell them that wouldn't have them running back to their classmates telling of what crazy antics their parents had been up to.

"What would you like to eat, babe?" Edward asked.

"Maybe we should stick to something easy; like cereal." I suggested.

"That's not enough. And we can make anything. Come on; let's make chicken Caesar salad together."

Working together I was surprised just how well we were able to get along in the kitchen. I guess last night when I thought about all the challenges that this little exercise was going to bring us I had been spot on. This wasn't too difficult.

Until…

Eating was a little harder. Like brushing my teeth it was like having a five-pound weight attached to my wrist. Not that Edward didn't oblige and help me out a little but still it was an inconvenience. Edward and I sat at the bar eating our salad. The house was surprisingly silent. Becky, Savannah and Gracie were at school but where were our other home dwellers?

I heard the garage door opening and I was getting ready to give Embry an explanation of what he was about to see. But it was Jacob; still dressed in his tux with wild sex hair.

He skidded to a halt when he saw us sitting there with our lovely matching bracelets on and to be fair I guess it didn't help that Edward's shirt looked like he was mauled by a bear.

"What?" I spit.

"Uh…do I even want to know?" He asked looking between us.

"Uh…do I even want to know why you are just now getting home with greasy sex hair?" I snapped back.

"Cranky. Man, you'd think that you wouldn't be so uptight after the…night you two must have had." Jacob said suggestively with his sly little smile.

And then that pissed me off even more knowing how sexually unfulfilled I was with no hope of future sexy times on the horizon; I threw my fork at him.

"OWWW." Jacob yelled as it hit him in the leg.

"Bella." Edward scolded pulling on my cuff. "Apologize."

I rolled my eyes and huffed out an apology.

"Geez, I'm going to bed." Jacob grumbled.

"What's the matter with you? You really want that to be the example you set for Savannah and Gracie. If one of them had done that they would be on time out." Edward said.

"He just…pissed me off. He always knows right where to….ugh." I fumed.

"Bella, he isn't the reason you are sexually frustrated. I'm sorry that this is hard on you. It was never my intention."

"I don't know what's wrong with me. I mean a couple of days ago I didn't even think about it and now it is all I can think on and I'm actually thinking about masturbating and the only other time I have ever done that, you yelled at me and then flew six thousand miles to punish me for it. Now…" I squeezed my legs together. "God, why now? Why would you choose to become all…celibate now?"

"Honey…"

"And then you just sit there like it doesn't even affect you; like you could go the rest of your life without sex with me and then it makes me think that, god Bella you really must be horrible in bed if he could give it up so easily. Maybe you should have taken Cynthia Moore up on her sex lessons. You stupid sexual retard."

Okay I may have been ranting. Ranting or to rant (v.) 1. speak in loud exaggerated manner: to speak or say something in a very loud, aggressive, or bombastic way, usually at length and repetitively.

"Would you stop it. I don't understand why I need to reiterate over and over just how much I love being intimate with you. You don't need lessons. That's ridiculous. The only reason I want us to try abstinence is so we will have an extraordinary first time as a wedded couple. Stop calling yourself a retard."

And then he did something that even now I can't believe. He lifted up our cuffed wrists and swung them toward my head causing my own hand to hit my forehead. My jaw dropped at the audacity.

"I can't believe you just did that." Without thinking I pushed him forcefully and he lost his balance falling backward and since I was tethered to him I went flying as well. We both landed on the carpeted ground.

"Oww, Bella." He gritted out through his teeth.

"Oww is right; you idiot." I said trying to rub the side of my butt where I landed.

"Idiot?! You're the one who pushed us." He complained.

"You started it." I flicked him in the chest.

"Don't flick me, Swan." He flicked me back right in the boob.

"Now it's on." I threw down the gauntlet…whatever that means and jumped on top of him trying to wrestle him into submission. Good plan but horrible realization that he was stronger than me and we ended up rolling all over the place. Tickling each other. But I would not give in even though my screams would suggest otherwise. I couldn't even try to get up to run away and eventually he had me locked into a position where I was on top of his lap, face down unable to move.

"Uh…your parents are weird."

The voice broke us out of our childishness as we looked up to see Savannah, Tiana and Gracie standing at the door which lead to the garage. Savannah looked mortified.

"Let's go upstairs." Savannah pulled Tiana along with her rushing to get her friend away; sparing us a backward glance that looked rather fierce. Yes, I taught her well.

"What are you doing home so early?" Edward asked letting me go.

"Uncle Edward, it's a minimum day. Duh." Gracie replied and then Embry finally came into the house chatting on his phone.

"Bro…I gotta call you back." Embry said.

Edward started to get up and we both managed to make it too our feet. My hair probably looked wild.

"Gracie, why don't you go upstairs and start your homework with your sister." Embry advised.

Edward and I stood there like a couple of kids waiting to hear the reprimand. Embry stood there with his arms across his chest.

"Embry…it…well I know this must look…" I sighed unable to come up with an adequate response.

"What did I tell you before, Bella? You and Edward…I don't want to know. You two keep your semi freaky lifestyle to yourselves." Embry raised up his hands in surrender and turned to walk away.

"Semi freaky?" Edward asked.

"Don't." I held up my hand Embry's words reminding me of our conversation back in September when I stayed at his house. "Ugh. Now I have to come up with something to tell the girls."

"We will figure it out. Stop stressing."

"Edward, our little girls just walked in with their little friend and caught us….doing whatever this is." I said holding up my cuffed hand and shaking it wildly. "Don't be so calm. This was your idea and you didn't think this through on how it would affect children."

"Honey, who cares. It's not a big deal. You are blowing this way out of proportion. We will just tell them that we were playing a game."

"And just what do you think Tiana's parents are going to think when she goes home and tells them that we were over here in handcuffs playing a game; you with your shredded shirt and all. I'm sure like a kid, they will believe that too." I argued.

I groaned out in frustration.

"I don't understand why you are taking this so badly. We will deal with this."

"No, Edward. I will deal with this. I will have the talk with Savannah and Gracie and try to get them to understand what ever the hell this is and if Tiana's mom calls here, I will deal with it. I don't need your help screwing that up too." I fumed.

"You always want to do everything yourself. You don't need my help." Edward yelled.

"No, in fact I would rather be handcuffed to myself because I could do a lot more things for myself being handcuffed then I could if you were there unhandcuffed to me." I spit.

"You think so. Fine. Let's just see about that." Edward pulled me along with him all the way up the stairs and to our bedroom. We went over to his drawer and pulled out the key. "Your wish, my command."

He released himself from our cuffs and placed the other cuff on my free hand. "Have fun, Bella. Show me how you are so great that you don't need any help in this world."

"I will." I snapped.

"Since you look like some crazed escapee; I will talk to the girls. Go off and do whatever it is that you do, by yourself." Edward stormed out of the room and I was left there handcuffed.

Immediately I started to feel a little guilt creep up. I understood the spirit of what this little exercise was supposed to be and as I stood there all by myself in the middle of our bedroom it started to finally sink in just what I had said and the symbolism of being all by myself with my hands tied.

I sunk to the floor to have myself a little cry. My whole life I felt so very alone. Then in what felt like the blink of an eye I was suddenly surrounded by people. It started with Edward and then Alice, slowly I added to my friends and family list. Embry, Jacob, Marcus, Rose, Jacq.

Edward was now mad at me. I hardly ever saw Alice anymore. Jacob, I'm sure was irritated with me at the moment and Embry probably just thought I was a freak or a semi freak.

Losing my dad was starting to make me lose everything and everyone else. My pain, depression, anger was pushing away the very people who finally made me feel wanted and accepted. I needed a way to find peace.

Edward seems to keep telling me that I need to relax. Why am I so uptight? I feel like my hormones are all over the place. A day at a spa I think could be beneficial but I didn't think showing up handcuffed would be a good idea and then again how was I going to get there. I'm sure I could figure out how to drive but somehow that still didn't seem like an intelligent idea. I have the big spa downstairs and it has been so long since I used it.

Getting off the floor proved much more difficult than you would think. Hell even walking with both hands cuffed was a definite change in the normal motion of my body. I entered our peaceful little oasis and went to the control panel to start up the waterfall and heaters.

Undressing was far more difficult of a task now. The dress was a breeze but my panties was challenging and my bra had me doing a rather unflattering dance. There was no way I could unhook it so finally I decided to just leave it on.

I stepped into the warm pool; all the water jets firing off and I could feel my body instantly relax. Was this how I was supposed to be? I sat down in the water on the marble seat and just like that all my problems seemed to float away.

"Ahhhhhh"

It was quite uncomfortable to still be in my shackles and bra but I managed to forget about them after a while. Normally I would spread myself out for a nice float; that obviously wasn't going to happen now however. I focused on my breathing trying to reach a certain state of mind and of course there were some tears as random images popped up into my mind every couple of moments. Edward. My dad. A wedding that might never be. A realization of what my future held.

I must have sat in that spa for well over an hour. My fingers already pruned as I looked down at my hands.

"I think you will probably rust." I said aloud to my shiny bracelets but I guess it could be taken in multiple ways as I stared down at my naked womanhood.

"What will?" Edward's voice scared the living shit out of me and his voice sent me practically flying out of my seat. My foot slipped on the marble floor and I slid under the water. My cuffed hands trying to steady me and swim up. Water filled my lungs from the sudden surprise and just as I was able to find a steady hold. Edward had a firm grasp on my arms; pulling me up.

I started coughing instantly trying to rid the water that had filled my lungs as I relied on Edward to pull me over to the side.

"Bella." Edward slapped my back trying to help me as I coughed up the last of the water. The whole ordeal really scared the crap out of me. It never once occurred to me that I could drown. I was an excellent swimmer and even thought if god forbid my car went off a bridge I could survive that. But here in my calm little oasis it felt like I nearly did drown.

My fear turned to tears as Edward sat with me trying to console me.

"God, baby what were you thinking coming in here?" Edward was practically panting himself from all the excitement.

"You said I needed to relax…I was trying to relax." I stuttered. "Plus, I was doing fine until you scared me."

"Well this experiment is over." Edward said pulling the handcuff keys out of his soaked pocket. It was then I realized that he was fully dressed and sitting in our spa. "I can't trust you to not get yourself hurt or worse. What if you had slipped getting out and I wasn't here?"

He released me from my confines and instantly I rubbed my wrists.

"It worked you know." I said softly looking down at my free hands.

"What worked?" Edward sighed.

"I get it. When I was stuck all by myself…well I get what you were trying to say. I'm sorry for what I said earlier. It really made me think about a lot of things. Everything from my past, present and even future and it scared me." I put my arms around his neck holding onto him with everything in me.

"I don't want to do this alone. I don't want to live my life always doing things all on my own. I don't want to be depressed and miserable anymore. I just want to rewind my life to six months ago and press pause."

"You can't do that, honey. Life isn't something you can pause or rewind or even fast forward. Life is meant to be lived and what you are doing right now isn't living; you're sustaining. You dad died. He's not coming back and it would have torn him apart to see his little girl just sustaining."

"You're right." I sighed.

"Let's get you out of here." Edward whispered.

He helped me up and I unfastened my wet bra tossing it to the chair.

"Couldn't get that off myself." I told Edward shyly. He held out one of our big fluffy towels and wrapped me into it. He pulled off his drenched clothes and tossed them to the chair on top of my bra.

"I talked to the girls and surprisingly they were more focused on the fact that we were tickle fighting then the fact that we were handcuffed to one another so I think we're good." He said pulling a towel around his waist.

"I hope so. I am not looking forward to that phone call from Tiana's mom. Especially after the bullet she took for me; I already owe Tiana's mom a lot!"

"Bullet?" Edward asked.

"Uh…yeah she is enduring a night of Justin Bieber with the girls. In my book that makes this woman a saint. I should probably invite her over for coffee sometime."

"Come on. You need clothes. The last thing I want is for you to get sick." Edward took my hand and like we were still cuffed together, he pulled me up to the bedroom.

"Bella, I've been thinking." He started the moment we arrived back in our room. "I really liked that idea of a big family vacation. I asked Embry about it and he said he would be up for it. What if we planned a trip for the end of March? It would give us a month to get everything together and decide who we wanted to come."

"Where would we go?" I asked slowly.

"Italy. You said you would like to go back, right?" he confirmed.

"I would love that. Oh…really? We could do that?" I asked.

"We could do whatever we want? The girls have a two weeks off at the beginning of April for spring break but maybe we could home school them if we wanted to stay longer. I think it would be nice to invite your mom along so maybe she could help with that."

"How many people do you think Villa Stella Mia can fit? Just so I have an idea of how many people we can invite." I was already getting excited planning this vacation. I could feel some kind of fire build up inside me.

I sat down on the bed and Edward sat right next to me, both of us still wrapped in our towels.

"Don't worry about space. I have already been talking with a realtor and the property next to our villa is available. Maybe it would be nice to have an additional home since our family is growing."

"Oh, Edward. Are you really going to buy another house just for vacationing? That seems a little extreme. I'm sure I can keep our guest list down."

"Bella, please let me do this. We have all these people who we love being around. I hope that this won't be the last time we go all together. It's a great investment. Let me worry about the space and lets just start brainstorming who we want to ask."

"Okay. Let's do it." I smiled widely. "I can't wait. Thank you Edward." I practically squealed. I threw my arms around his neck and pulled myself to him. My towel fell down causing my breasts to pop right on out. Feeling my sensitive nipples collide with his chest suddenly sent me spinning down to horny town. I couldn't help it. I needed something, anything. My lips found his and he allowed for a brief make out session.

"Please." I moaned as I started to slowly rub my naked center over his still toweled member. "Please." I practically cried.

"Baby, we can wait." Edward moaned but I could feel his resolve weakening or maybe it was because I could feel his cock hardening.

"No. I can't. I need to feel your love. Please, Edward." I stopped and looked into his eyes. I imagine all he could find in my eyes was just pure desperation, mix in a little lust, add a teaspoon of desire and about a pound of plain old hornyness.

"How about a compromise. I will get you off, baby but that's it. No intercourse." He was struggling to find a way to please me.

"I'll take it." I practically jumped with joy. "But just give me two seconds. I am in desperate need of the facilities." I jumped off him and ran to the bathroom dropping my towel on the way. "Two seconds." I yelled out hoping he wouldn't change his mind.

I never pee'd so fast and hard in my life. I was a mess practically banging myself on every sharp edge in my bathroom trying to hurry back fast. I paused looking at myself in the mirror as I washed my hands. My hair was a wild mess, I could take a couple of seconds more and brush it out. I pulled open my top drawer with such force that everything in the drawer came flying forward. My brush included. I picked it up and something caught my eye.

Slowly I placed the brush down and picked up the small rectangular package. It had been so long since I had any need to even look for these. Well that's not true. The truth is I should have never stop taking my birth control but when my dad went into the hospital this little package of pills was the farthest thing from my mind. And of course with the days that followed after I could barely drink a glass of water let alone remember to take the small pill every day.

To think if Edward hadn't stopped me this morning, what could have happened. The one thing I think Edward wanted most and he blocked himself from it. He wanted to wait until we got married. Even now, I can't imagine when that will ever be. Right now this is what Edward wanted from me. He wanted to remain celibate so that the first time as man and wife would be special. Suddenly my hornyness didn't seem so important.

I'm pretty sure that I have no need for you now I thought as I stared down at the package of pills. I tossed them in the trash can below. It would be a long while before I needed them. If Edward was willing to wait; I guess I could wait too. Days? Doubtful. Months. Less doubtful. Years? Quite possibly. Marriage was still not on my radar and as long as we weren't married there would definitely be no need for the package of pills.

AN: Thank you for reading and reviewing. See you next chapter! :-)