Hello!
A rather long one. No promises for weekend but you never know. Enjoy!
Chapter 70
I walked past Radar against his protests and entered Potter's office. Sidney was sitting there sipping at his drink.
"Fancy meeting you here!" I addressed Sidney humorlessly before turning my attention to Potter, "Colonel! I need some time off. I need to go home." Even as I said it, I realized how nonsensical my request must have sounded to them.
"Sit down Hawkeye!" Colonel Potter, man of tact and wisdom.
"No, I'm fine. I just need to go home. For a few days. Just a few days. I will be back. I promise. I will take the jeep tomorrow, get to Seoul, take the first plane out of Seoul to Tokyo and from there, to Hawaii. Its all downhill from there. I am due some downtime. Sick leave. Something like that. Give me two weeks." I spoke in the same feverish pitch I used with Margaret earlier as I paced his office, trying to talk as fast as I was thinking.
"Pierce! Hawkeye. Son, sit down. Please." And only then did I look in his eyes. He seemed scared. He wasn't as scared as I was. He was lucky. But then he wasn't losing his sanity either.
I sat down but it was like, the chair had grown huge boulders making me extremely uncomfortable.
"Colonel, you don't understand. I am serious." I tried to reason with him.
"Hawkeye! What's going on?" Potter used the same reasonable tone I used. Somehow, I felt my nerves calming down a little.
"Nothing's going on, Colonel. I just think I'm going crazy. I never doubted that I would go crazy but its happening too fast now. I'm having trouble getting used to it." At this Sidney smiled and Potter almost-smiled. Potter looked at Sidney, prompting him.
"You are not going crazy, Hawkeye. Take my word for it!"
"Word of someone who comes to front to have a good time?" In other words, word of another insane man?
"Why do you think you are going crazy?" Sidney wanted to know the reason like it was a big secret.
"Why? What do you mean why?" What kinda stupid question was that? Anybody who knew me had concernes for my sanity. There was a consensus. It was only a matter of time.
"What happened that made you think that?" He was the voice of reason.
"Nothing happened Sidney. This damned war happened, that's what happened."
"Yeah, but there was a war a few weeks back too."
"Sidney, Hawkeye, I am going to my tent. Sidney, help yourself." Col. Potter finally decided to leave before allowing me to go home as he motioned towards his liquor cabinet.
"Wait! Colonel, you did not answer me." I rose from my chair and was going to physically make him stay. He had to let me go.
"First talk to Sidney. I will be in my tent. Not goin' anywhere, son!" He clapped me on my shoulder before exiting the office.
I looked at the swinging door, wondering what it must have looked like to him and to Sidney, as I had barged in earlier. If that didn't scream of insanity, I didn't know what did.
"Hawkeye!" I turned towards Sidney as he called my name.
"Sidney! I'm going insane. Did you hear me when I got here? I'm scared, Sidney. I'm very scared. I'm losing it." I paced in the office. Why was it so damned small?
"What happened?"
"Nothing happened, Sidney. Nothing at all. Same old. Frank annoying the hell out of me. Nurses thinking I'm Eros and Lothario, rolled into one. BJ sulking. Nothing changed."
"Something did, Hawkeye. What happened just now?"
"Now? Margaret. You know Margaret. She was upset the other night. I talked to her. Listened to her. I know her better than she knows herself and I just...I was being a friend. And somehow, well...you know my reputation among the fairer sex. So the news of the day was Hawkeye comforted Major Houlihan. And comforted as in, Biblically. So I blew up at her for believing that I was the one who spread the rumor."
"So?" What was he trying to do here really?
"So? What do you mean So? Sidney, these things never bothered me. Whether it was booze or work, I dunno. Something kept me sane all along, ironic as it may sound. I wouldn't...couldn't have cared less why everybody thought what they did. Frank never bothered me enough to ...He never bothred me enough for me to stoop to his level. Its scaring the hell out of me, Sidney. You have no idea."
"How's your sleep? I have seen your appetite." What was with twenty questions?
"Its been better. I could drink enough to sleep like a log not so long ago. Now..."
"But you cannot drink now."
"Now you're tellin' me? I dunno, Sidney. I am exhausted. I know that much. And its not just because of lack of sleep. I've slept more in last month than I have slept in any month over last few years. This is different."
"How?"
"I think war is catching up with me, Sidney. No, wait. I take that back. War has caught up with me, Sidney. And you know what happens when that happens."
"Why do you think that?" He was a good psychiatrist and a good friend. Even with his stock questions, I was feeling relaxed.
"Wouldn't you? These things never bothered me, Sidney. Yeah, I had my tantrums and then it was over. Like when they served us liver and fish for eleven consecutive days? I had a mini-mutiny in the mess tent. That could be a good name for a Groucho Marx movie, no? Mini-Mutiny in The Mess Tent? Anyway, I would pull a stunt, do something crazy and get it outta my system. Now, it feels less like a children's playground like it used to and more like a full fledge boxing match for heavy weight title. And I'm no heavyweight."
"You said it, fella. You are no heavyweight. Come to my tent and we can talk some more." With that, he got up from his chair and urged me to follow.
What the hell, I decided.
Maybe he is right and I'm not crazy.
"You won't ask me to lay down on the couch and talk about my childhood, would you?" I asked him as I felt the earlier fit of insanity leaving my body.
"That depends." He grinned at me before heading out the door.
"What are you doing here, Sidney? And honest answer this time." I followed him, asking him my own question.
"I'm not here for you, Hawkeye. Not exclusively. I wanted some down time myself and this place helps me get rid of tension."
"How? You observe newer and more insaner brands of insanity here?"
"Yes and no. This is an almost perfect work place." I looked at him as if he had grown gills and horns at the same time.
"I'm not kidding. Not just skill wise. These are good people, Hawkeye!" I knew he was right.
"Yeah. They are. Maybe that's why it took this long for me to lose it."
"Hawkeye, you haven't lost it. You arrived here with enough insanity and it hasn't changed, don't worry!"
"That sure brightens my day." He chuckled at this before turning the lights on in the VIP tent.
"Answer to your question, last few months have been rough for the unit. Losing Henry and then having Frank as the acting commander followed by Trapper's return Stateside. With the push coming in and his people already exhausted, Col. Potter wanted to make sure they were alright before tumulted into yet another series of deluges. He is a very good commander."
"You know! I named Trapper 'Trapper'. Its another name of the character Hawkeye." I remembered the instant friendship we developed on the first day of med school.
"You were really close."
"Yeah. To the extent, I could not remain mad at him for going incommunicado. Part of me understands why he did that. Who would want to remember this?" I waved my hand around.
"What happened today?"
"Today? Nothing. Nothing happened."
"You wanted to go home?"
"Correction, Sidney!I want to go home." I corrected him wryly.
"You know you cannot go home."
"That's a very negative approach to a problem my friend!" A tired attempt at humor. I knew he was right. I hated it when he was right.
"I know you are not disjointed from reality so why this sudden impulse?"
"I was not trying to act crazy, Sidney. I was feeling I was losing it. I felt, I had lost it. And there is no way I can restore my sanity in the middle of a war. Going home for a few days seemed like a good idea at that time."
"What if I tell you that you are not crazy?" Yeah, he had been telling me that for a few days now.
"Would that mean I have to stay here?" I asked him, smiling this time, feeling my facial muscles resisting this unfamiliar exercise.
"Yes."
"Then I would rather be crazy and sent home."
"Not home. Tokyo. With me. For as long as you need."
"In your funny farm?" He was kidding.
"Yes."
"Are these my only choices?"
"You can always get some downtime, a prolonged RnR and stay in Tokyo. But then you have to admit you are not crazy." This option had merit.
"You are the cuckoo expert."
"Then trust me when I say you are sane. Saner than most."
"Then why is everything getting to me like this? What if casualties arrive? No. Scratch that. What happens when they arrive?"
"Everything is getting to you because you are sane."
"Peachy! I'm sane so I will keep feeling insane till I do go insane. Do they teach this in NY School of Shrinkery or you came up with this gem on your own?" He gave me a smile.
"Use work as your occupational therapy. That will keep you sane!"
"Can't. My liver function has not improved last few days. I know I need rest. I get tired easy. Potter wouldn't let me operate. Hell, I wouldn't let me operate. I might keel over a patient and ruin his chances of living all together."
"You can work post-op, pre-op and just be a go-between."
"Potter said I had to stand down. No more duties. Not until liver function improves." I could see Sidney thinking this one through. Work was what kept me sane enough. Or maybe occupied enough to really go crazy.
"I'll talk to him! Meanwhile, you rest and recuperate so you don't keel over a pre-op patient."
"Thanks Sid!" I didn't know what else to say.
"I will charge you in Poker."
"I thought this was pro-bono."
"You thought wrong, fella! Want a game of chess?"
"I will clean you out!"
"We are not talking poker or gin-draft." He was provoking me.
"Wanna bet?" I got provoked.
"You'll lose!" His smugness was infuriating. I should have known better. He was a head doctor and a very, very smart man. He suckered me into his scheme and I fell for it!
"Lets find out."
And he was right. Maybe he was also right about my insanity or its absence thereof. All in all, I would have been better off putting a wager on who took more pieces. I slaughtered his pawns. He massacred my king.
Wish real life was that simple!
Checkmate the king, win the war and all of us pawns could go home...