CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
Call me crazy but something about this mission that I had set out on had set my hormones on fire. Part of me needed Edward to feel close to someone, need someone and feel that he needed me too. Even though most days I was exhausted from long planning days and preproduction I couldn't help but ponce on Edward before we said good night.
Of course I loved making love with Edward but if I was being honest I was mostly just becoming desperate. Even with all the crazy activity going on around me I always managed to find a moment to pee on that damn stick which always taunted me with the nasty negative symbol eleven times now. Of course I never told Edward that I was taking tests. He still didn't know I had taken a test after our honeymoon.
I needed this video to succeed because I was quickly becoming a failure in other areas of my life. So in some ways that music video that I set out to make was my lifeline to sanity. Many of my family and friends wondered how I could be so focused and so driven. They thought it was because I was that upset with Tanya and what she had done which I was, but the true reason I was so focused and so driven was so I didn't have to face my shortcomings.
"Okay, we are ready. Real quick again, we will watch the transformation, see you walk through to wardrobe and pick up the dog." Emmett explained.
It was the opening sequence to the music video. They were going to film me as you saw hair and makeup physically transform me from Isabella Swan to Tanya Denali. Everyone in the video wanted to play themselves so in this scene Richard and Marcus had roles to play.
After I was done with my makeup and hair, I would stand up from the director's chair and walk through this plethora of clothes rack where Marcus would hand me my "Tanya" outfit. I was supposed to show how disturbed I was by the choice and so was Marcus which wouldn't be hard since he was absolutely itching in the corner from being surrounded by all these fashion no no's.
Lastly, someone would hand me a purse dog and a latte and I would go through the doors which would transform to scene two.
"I'm ready." I said and I breathed out one more deep breath before getting myself into position.
The first and last scene of the video were the most crucial. The first scene was throwing down the gauntlet and the last scene would be game over.
That first day of shooting we were able to get through three of the nine scenes. Scene two was just me being swarmed by paparazzi with my drink and dog in hand. That scene took the longest because we wanted to show the progression of time. I had ten costume changes and nine dog changes. Every costume change was supposed to represent Tanya on a different day and the final blow was to take the dog out of the picture completely to show how careless she was about animals.
Tanya had been famous for telling her assistant to call different tabloid organizations before showing up anywhere. It was a tacky practice among desperate celebrities to keep their name in all the papers and unfortunately the tabloids and entertainment industry rewarded this behavior.
The other scene we shot, scene three was of me pulling up to a bar in a bright red shiny convertible and seeing all the men standing around. There wasn't enough room in my car for these men so I needed to wrestle the car seat and toss it out of the car. Then the men…which I'm not going to lie were rather yummy…anyway they would hop in my convertible and then we would drive away.
"Looks like someone needs a massage."
I felt two strong hands on my shoulders and I instantly melted as those hands rubbed my neck and squeezed my shoulders.
It was a long day and nice late evening on my balcony which I used for the purpose of rest and relaxation before it all started back up again tomorrow.
"This may be the only time I say, yes Jacob, you can stay." I jested.
"Gee thanks." Jacob stopped his awe-inspiring massage and sat down in the chair next to me.
"And this is where I say, yes Jacob you can leave." I added.
"I don't think I will. Sometimes I happen to like pestering you." He stretched out his arms and made himself comfortable.
"Sometimes?" I questioned ironically.
"Well I find my friend sitting on a balcony, drinking a glass of wine and I wonder how her mental state is?"
"There is absolutely nothing wrong with your statement. I am a woman over the age of twenty-one who needed time…alone…to reflect." I made sure to say alone as a harsh hint hint.
"You don't have anything to worry about, Bells. This video will not be the end to your career. In fact, it just so happens that I think I may have found your next project." He seemed so pleased with himself.
"I'm not worried about the video. I know I should be but I'm not. I…just…I have other worries then just professional ones, you know." I clarified.
"What worries you?" he asked sincerely.
"Don't worry about it."
"Come on." He paused to see if I would cave. "I can tell you know. Even when you think no one notices. You hold your tension in a different part of your body when its work related as opposed to personal."
I didn't say anything.
"He can tell too. You really think he is this stressed out just over your video? Edward knows something's going on with you and it worries him that you're not sharing."
"Imagine the worries he would have if I did share?" I took a sip of my wine and continued to stare up at the moon.
"Well…you're married now…aren't you supposed to…I don't know, work out your problems together?" he asked.
"There isn't anything Edward can do and just telling him my problems will give him more to worry about. I'm being the good wife by not stressing him out more."
"I think I would be stressed out more not knowing. I mean…just think of all the things that could be going through his mind. He could be thinking that you are already over this whole marriage thing. He could think that you found a mole and it could be cancerous. He could be thinking that you had a recent alien encounter and…"
"Okay. Okay. Enough with the conjecture." I interjected.
Jacob sat up and turned his body toward me. "If the roles were reversed and he was sitting on a balcony drinking wine and being antisocial…do you really think it wouldn't bother you. Wouldn't you want to know what was on his mind even if you knew you couldn't help?"
Jacob stood up and finally left me in peace.
Of course I would want to know but it just wasn't that simple. If the roles were reversed and Edward was sitting on a balcony, drinking wine while he thought about why I wasn't pregnant yet…hearing that from him would devastate me.
The next morning was the beginning for the awkward scenes, starting off at the Mondrian Hotel with me in a pool surrounded by numerous yummy men. Even though I knew Edward would be nervous that I was going to be "making out" with these guys I was more nervous being on camera in a swimsuit. Even though I would be waist deep, it still made me really self-conscious.
"You're not actually going to be kissing the guys." Emmett stated.
"I know. You're going to film it so that it looks as such. Maybe you should be giving this talk to Edward over there."
Edward was sitting on the side practically sweating straight through his dress shirt.
Emmett let out a loud bark of a laugh.
"All right people we only have the space for a short time. Let's get this show on the road." Emmett yelled. "Bells, in the water."
I started to take off my robe and apprehensively I got into the pool as quick as possible.
Yummy man one was up to bat as he joined me in the pool.
"I'm sorry you have to do this." I stupidly apologized.
"Oh…this is all my pleasure." He winked and placed a heavy hand on my hip.
I looked over to Edward and I could see him watching us like a hawk.
"Oh goody." I retorted sarcastically picking up his hand by the wrist and dropping it away from me.
It was a good thing that Emmett was close to Edward. I could see him grab a hold of him a few times and pull him back. I would have thought that this would have been fun but it wasn't. Not even a little. I felt slimy after that filming being pawed by strangers and I knew then that I was definitely not cut out to be an actress. I didn't ever want to be in that awkward situation again.
That was scene five.
Embry agreed to help me out and take over shooting a group of videos for me that I would need for the final scenes. When I had my planning dinner with my fellow music artists I explained to them that all I would need from them to individually shoot a simple head and shoulders shot of them staring straight into the camera and another shot of them shaking their heads back and forth. It was symbolic of the lines from the song that sing "I can take it. I can, I can. I can take it." And my fellow musicians are simply shaking their head stating, no. No, you can't and we are standing up and publically stating so.
The other scene we shot was to show how Tanya's fan base has thinned because of her actions. We did this by showing different teenage girls ripping Tanya Denali posters off their walls and trashing them. That went fairly quickly. We took a fairly large four walled room and placed a different girl's bedroom on each wall and just shot one after the other. The set designers were genius for that.
My final scene for the day was the panties-less exit from the car.
"This is awkward. There I said it. I watched you "fake make out" with men today and transform into the very beast I want to see behind bars. This next group of scenes are awkward for me and I will be very upset if any person on this set see's even a hint of what's mine."
Edward whispered into my ear while I sat in my director's chair preparing myself for scene six.
I looked up at him.
"I'm sorry. I know this has been hard. I didn't want to make it hard on you; I just wanted her to pay."
"I know, Bella. Which is why I am here supporting you but it's hard. You seem distant and the things going through my head right now…their driving me crazy."
"Would it help if I told you that…what was going through my head had really nothing to do with you?" I asked.
"No. Because I know it does or else you would tell me."
Edward came around and stood directly in front of me.
"It really is mostly about me and if I were to talk about it with you…it would just cause you strife and I don't want to do that." I answered honestly.
"We're a team. You and I. When we said, "I do." That meant that you and I would fix a problem if it needed fixing. Why won't you let me help you?"
"Because you can't fix this."
I stood up and walked over to Emmett without looking at him. I couldn't bear to look at him. I put on my best fake smile, "Let's get this party started."
End of filming day two.
Back to my balcony. My glass of wine. My safe harbor.
Jacob sighs as he sits down.
"What…the…fuck!"
I roll my eyes.
"What?" I asked annoyed. "Can't you see I'm trying to relax here?"
"Can't you see how crazy you're making your husband?"
"Why do you care? Jesus, Jacob. Just drop it already." I snap.
"I'm not going to drop it. If you won't talk to him then talk to me. If it's about him…and you don't want to tell him, maybe you should try talking to someone else so that they can tell you that you're being stupid so maybe you will man up already and just tell Edward."
"Why would I want to talk to someone who is just going to call me stupid?"
"You're not stupid. You're acting stupid." He clarified.
I took another sip of my wine and just sat back in my chair in silence.
"I'm not leaving until you agree to either talk to Edward or talk to someone?" Jacob declared. He folded his arms across his chest and sat there staring straight at me.
I took another sip of wine.
Jacob stood up and grabbed my glass and tossed it over the balcony. The wine glass shattered below up upon impact.
"WHAT THE FUCK!" I yelled jumping from the chair to personally witness the demise of my favorite glass. Jacob pulls me back like I was actually contemplating for a second of going over the balcony to retrieve it.
"What is the matter with you?" I snapped.
"Talk to me." He pushed.
"No." I gritted through my teeth.
"Talk to me." He said once more.
"NO!"
He took a firm hold of my arms and yelled, "Stop being so damn stubborn and talk to me, dammit."
"What is going on up here?" Edward came through the door to see us in mid argument. "You both are screaming at each other and shit is being thrown from up here?"
He must have been downstairs in the kitchen. I can imagine what it must have looked like seeing a half empty wine glass go sailing by and for a moment I couldn't help myself so I started laughing at the image.
Jacob let go of me immediately and mumbled, "she's fucking bonkers."
It felt good to laugh and I made my way over to the bed and threw myself on it to continue with the laughs. All my tension seemed to go away.
"Honey, are you okay?" Edward asks.
"Please…come…here…" I tried to get out. I took his hand and pulled him down to the bed to join me.
"I love you." I declared.
"I love you too." He replied a bit confused.
"Ugh…I am so out." Jacob rolled his eyes and quickly left us.
"Do you want to tell me what that was all about?" Edward asked.
"No…well…I don't know. Jacob's crazy and I feel a little loopy. Maybe I'm just overly tired."
"How much did you have to drink?" he asked next.
"Not even a half glass as I'm sure you were able to make out the contents flying by the kitchen window." I laughed.
"I'm just…tired. I guess."
"Then let's go to bed. One more day of filming."
"And then the hard part." I replied.
Editing especially for a music video was difficult because you had to sync up the audio with the video. It could be a struggle and it had to be perfect or else you could definitely tell.
My final day of filming was to be done on a privately owned soundstage. We wouldn't need much. I asked the set design be just a simply black studio with monitors set up Brady bunch style. You know what I'm talking about? The Brady Bunch was a famous television show that aired back in the seventies…the nineteen seventies and at the time their intro was cutting edge. Nine television screens used to show each cast member as they looked around at each other. You should really look it up if you haven't seen it…anyway, so I wanted to do the same concept.
In the background would be all my friends who were willing to put their careers on the line and as I described earlier Embry was supposed to film them all simply shaking their head back and forth. During a portion of the video I will show each of them but for this final scene the videos would be running behind me as I walk out now dressed as myself and in my hand will be a copy of the Greatest Hits CD that Tanya was supposed to put out. I will look to the camera, hold up the CD and then with the help of special effects I will essentially blow it to smoke.
Embry was on set with the videos that they would link up to the television screens.
"So I put the call out and managed to get some additional guest stars." Embry smiled.
"What do you mean?" I asked worried.
"You wanted nine television screens which translates into you needing nine different artists to fill those screens. You already had myself of course and Justin, Michael and Darren. I added Levi because you know he was dying to be in this. Oh and those boys from Liberty Project were mighty upset when they heard that you didn't ask them persona…"
"Embry! You told the boys? Why didn't you ask me first?" I scolded.
"Calm your shit down. You upset over Liberty Project just wait…can I continue?" he asked pointedly.
It took everything in me to keep my mouth shut but it was shut.
"I asked Brianne Taylor…seeing how you just helped her out, I thought that would be a nice pick and Michael asked Veonna…."
"Veonna? You guys went and bugged one of the greatest musicians of all time for…this?"
"and she was happy to help. Damn, won't let me get a word in edgewise." He huffed.
"And number nine?" I asked.
"Number nine?" Embry replied confused.
"You've named eight different people? Who is number nine? I know you Embry, you will save the best for last or the one I would be most opposed to." I glared at him with my arms crossed waiting to hear.
"I…talked with some of the other artists and we all felt that a… real powerful symbol…would be an actual…WMG…executive." He was saying each word like he was waiting for me to hit him.
"So we asked Seth." He said quickly.
It just sat there in the air. I stood staring at him.
"You asked Seth? Seth…who has the wherewithal to go and save his own ass and tell Stefan Vladic that in a couple of days all their hard work and money will be thrown down the toilet…" I paused. "YOU ASKED SETH?"
"Calm your shit down, B."
"CALM DOWN? CALM DOWN?" I screeched. "Do you have any idea how much you could fuck up all this hard work that every single person has been putting in? WHAT THE FUCK!"
Emmett came over as I seemed to be getting rather loud.
"HE WANTED TO HELP!" Embry yelled over me. "I explained to him very clear what his options were before explaining the project. He wanted to help and he didn't choose to save his own ass. He did it because he respects you."
"Dammit Embry. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit."
"Hey. Hey. Hey. Would you both calm down. There is a whole set full of people who you are scaring with your craziness. So calm down." Emmett ordered.
I fumed trying to reign in my anger and fear.
"He wanted to help, Bella. I never would have allowed him to ruin this if I thought he would. He's a good man and I trust him." Embry added.
I softened.
"Come on B. Don't you trust me?"
That did it.
"Of course I do."
"See we can play nice, right?" Emmett asked and we both nodded as Embry gave me the ole one arm hug.
"All right then. Enough standing around. Get your ass to wardrobe." Emmett yelled and pointed for me to go.
I wished I would have stayed arguing with Embry. When I saw the incredibly short dress Marcus had picked out for my final scene, I almost felt more self-conscious than I did when I was waist deep in a swimming pool.
"Damn girl you do look hot." Emmett praised.
"I don't feel hot. I feel ridiculous." I replied.
Marcus had put me in this tight red dress. He explained that he wanted to make me look like a badass. I didn't feel like a badass. I felt silly.
"That's…not gonna work." Emmett sighed. "If you can't pull off this shot, your whole video will be worthless…do you understand?"
Emmett was hardly ever serious with me but today he was and he was right. And I knew it.
I cracked my neck and blew out a breath as I walked around trying to garner what strength I had to give this final performance. At the time, I truly believed that it would be. Many thoughts went through my head, some I had to file away for later while others I tried to push out.
I really needed some kind of pep talk. I wanted someone to tell me to stop wishing and get to doin. I watched as people buzzed around me to fix the set up and ensure everything was perfect.
"Pep talk. Pep talk. Pep talk." I kept whispering to myself.
"You can do it, Bella." I rolled my eyes. "Lame."
I paced and wringed my hands trying to mentally stop them from sweating. I rolled my shoulders to find some relief from the tension.
"Stop. Okay?" Edward walked over and caught my attention. "Focus. Focus on what do I want and what do I need. As an actor, what is it that you need to accomplish."
Edward stood directly in front of me giving me the abridged Inside the Actor's Studio speech
"Forget about Isabella Swan and her personal problems that she doesn't want to tell me about."
"Passive aggressive much?" I mumbled under my breath.
"For this moment right here, that is not you. You are Isabella Swan who was personally affected by the actions of Tanya Denali. She was heinous and despicable. You are in a position to show this industry what she is. You are capable of ruining any credibility she may have left. You are powerful. You are going to get in front of that camera and show every single person in this room why no one should ever mess with Isabella Swan again."
Well god damn.
"Now go." He ordered and for a second I could hear in Edward's voice something I hadn't heard in a while. Just like that I was a year and a half younger in fear of my poor arse.
But it worked.
It snapped me out of my silly thoughts and was ready for my close up.
End of day three filming.
This time I did not retreat to my balcony. I was smart enough to know that Jacob would come looking for me and I needed to find a new hideaway.
After dinner with the family, with my glass of wine in hand, I snuck off down to the wine cellar. Earlier while everyone was in the kitchen and while I was supposed to be upstairs getting dressed into something more comfortable and taking a bathroom break, I managed to sneak a couple of pillows and blankets down to the cellar. I managed to make myself a snuggly little getaway down there at my new oasis.
I leaned back on a pillow which padded nicely between me and a wall and decompressed. Even though I still had a lot to do to finish this video, filming was done and I could celebrate that feat. I tried to bring in the good and push out the bad but after a little while the bad started to invade my mind.
I curled up in my little makeshift bed and just let it out. Crying always helped. Edward and I had only been trying for over a month. The rational part of my brain said calm down Bella, there are people out there that try for years but then that freaked me out because did it mean that it could take years? Would Edward be able to handle nothing coming out of me for…years?
Why wasn't this working? Edward and I would make rabbits blush…however rabbits never have trouble getting knocked up. They probably do it once and BAM! Litter of rabbits. Fine we would make…Emmett and Rosalie blush. I had known unfortunately just how freaky those two could be and their ambition in life to always go for the gold.
"Bella?"
"What do you want? Why can't you just leave me alone?" I wailed angrily.
Jacob.
Of course he had found me again.
"Because you obviously shouldn't be left alone. My god, look at you." He spit.
"Jacob, get out!" I demanded.
"No."
"Get out!" I screamed.
But he stood there standing over me with his arms firmly held against his chest.
"If you don't get out of here…just get the hell out of my house. Your sister can stay but you need to go."
Completely irrational.
"Why won't you just talk to me?" he said in his pathetic voice.
"Leave me alone." I ordered through my nasally nose. Guess it was hard taking someone serious when they looked and sounded like me.
Jacob crouched down to eye level, "You're a mess and you're just going to keep getting worse and worse until you talk it out."
I shook my head adamantly.
"Can't you see how every single day you are losing it more and more?" he pressed on. "I see the progression and I want to help. Just…"
"You can't help me, Jacob. That is what I have been trying to tell you. You can't do shit other than just bug the shit out of me. And if I have progressed any worse than it's only because you won't leave me the fuck alone."
It was a good think our wine cellar was pretty well insulated. I didn't want to think what little ears could pick up.
"Does it have to do with marriage? Are you unhappy?" he guessed.
I shook my head as he desperately grasped at straws.
"Is it…did someone do something to you? Did Edward…hit…"
"No. God no! I…"
"You what? What is it Bella. Just tell me."
"I can't get pregnant." I screamed.
There. I said it.
Jacob let go of my arms and stood back up probably in the same shock as I was in. I don't know what happened. He just kept pushing and pushing. Wheedling me down for days.
"Wha…" Jacob was utterly confused.
I burrowed myself back down into my blanket and brought my knees up to my chest pushing my back into the pillow.
"But…I…you can't have been…trying very long…right?"
"We have been trying since we left for our honeymoon. I went off the pill a couple of months before and I swear we have sex more than monkeys…cats…bats….we have a lot of sex and still nothing. I have like taken over ten damn tests and nothing. Always negative."
I can't believe I was really having this conversation with Jacob of all people. I took a swig from my glass…the last swig. My glass was empty…not even half full.
"What's wrong with me, Jacob? I gave Edward the worst gift ever." I started sobbing. "It's like buying him a toaster and then he opens the box to find nothing in it. What am I doing wrong?"
"Wrong? You haven't done anything wrong…I mean unless you haven't been peeing on the stick correctly but I'm sure Edward would have corrected you…a baby…wow…a baby…"
"I know how to pee on a stick and Edward…he doesn't know…and you better not tell him." I threatened.
"You never told him you were trying to get pregnant?" Jacob exclaimed.
"Oh geez, are you really that thick? Of course he knows. I just haven't told him of the countless negative tests." I could feel the burning in my chest from my harsh breathing or maybe it was from all the pain I was trying to keep in.
"I know…I like wished this on myself. For so long I was…terrified at just the thought of having a baby. The physical pain. The lack of privacy and having to pretty much give up everything …sleep…career….sanity. But then I got married and I just love Edward so much that I wanted everything for him. He gave me everything, I should do the same. I had no idea what I was even saying when I told Edward we should try to I was scared but then the more I thought about it…it just seemed right. And now…all my previous wishes are going to keep me from this. I feel broken. What's wrong with me, Jacob?" I pleaded.
Jacob got down right beside me. "There is nothing wrong with you. I know that for sure."
I rolled my eyes.
"No listen to me. Bella, even if you could never get pregnant, it wouldn't mean there was anything wrong with you…it just means that it wasn't the path for you. Edward would never look down on you or blame you…hell did you ever think that maybe it was his little swimmers that were having navigational issues."
I gave him a look and he gave me a silly smile in return. I will admit it did make the tension in my shoulders release a little.
"You haven't been trying for very long and I have heard that the more stressed you are…it can make it harder. You need to take a serious chill pill and I would be willing to bet that Edward would agree with me. Of course he would never say that to your face. I'm sure if you told him he would be all…" And then in his best Edward impression he said, "ohh baby, why didn't you tell me? It will happen when it happens….I love you sooo mmmmuccchhh. Let's go rough up some sheets."
Just hearing Jacob and his stupid Edward voice made me instantly smile.
"There it is. I knew I could one out of you." Jacob bragged.
"You're stupid." I shook my head.
"Yeah but you love me." He replied confident.
"Ohhh Jacob." I said in my overly girly voice. "I love you soooo mmmucchhh."
I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him thinking I was going in for a big kiss right on the mouth but at the last-minute I just hugged him strongly.
"What's going on?"
I let go of Jacob and could see the outline of Edward standing at the top of the stairs looking down on us in our deep embrace.
AN: Thank you for reading and reviewing. It means a lot to me to hear your continued support for this story. I know its not everyone's cup of tea so to the people who actually like reading it and look forward to updates, THANK YOU!