CHAPTER FIFTY-THREE

"You just…don't understand, I really loved those jeans. It took me my whole life to fit into them." I sniffled. I spent the past half hour doing everything I could to zip them up but if I was being honest with myself, I was not even close. I laid on the bed after my last ditch attempt and fell back into the pillows exhausted.

"Are you sure this is…just about the jeans?" Edward asked cautiously.

"Would you just stop assuming things? I'm here aren't I?"

That was mean. It wasn't technically Edward's fault what had happened when I had gone on a surprise trip to Chicago in August; however I was still having trouble pulling myself out of this funk.

"I'm sorry." I quietly apologized.

I guess it's just plain mean to whomever is reading this to allude to something in the off chance that I never decided to put what really happened in Edward's and my relationship in August of 2008. If you are reading this and you have no fucking clue what I am talking about, it means that I never went back to include this portion like I had discussed in the previous chapter and seeing how I asked that this book be published after my demise, there is little hope for the real truths to ever come out. I'll try to refrain from making that mistake in the future to spare you.

"Bella, your body is beautiful. It's making changes that we should be very happy for. It means our baby is growing. You're almost three months along and we knew this was going to happen. Can I please take those jeans off you now and help you get ready for bed?"

I nodded my head and Edward jumped up pulling off the jeans that I would never be able to wear again.

"I was wondering if you would…be open to a discussion." Edward asked uneasy.

"Yes…of course." I sat up in the bed still wearing just the shirt and underwear from the day. I started to undue my bra, nothing like a long day and coming home to liberate the boobies.

"I wanted to talk about the next couple of weeks. I have a feeling that things could get a little crazy around here." Edward sat back down on the bed next to me, his whole body facing me.

"Okay."

"I…I know that you are getting ready to head up to Oregon at the end of the month. I guess the first thing I should bring up is that I went ahead and rented a house…I wanted you to be comfortable and it will fit quite a bit of people in it so… I offered Garrett a room and of course Jacob."

I was completely thrown.

"You did? We're only going to be there for two weeks this time."

"I know but I just rented it out for the rest of the year. It's important to me that you can feel comfortable and at home. A hotel isn't going to do that."

"Thank you, Edward." I replied. "I really appreciate it. Are you…were you…able to get those two weeks off?"

"The first part yes but I have to be back on the twenty-ninth for a final scene and then after that…I…have…decided…."

I was waiting for what seemed like forever. I could tell that Edward was really nervous for whatever he was about to say.

"Edward, just say it. Talk to me."

Unfortunately this was how most of our conversations had been going lately. We both were stiff and awkward like we were back on our first date.

"I'm going to retire."

I think my heart stopped for a second. I'm sure my face said it all because I usually had to work hard to maintain a passive face but when your husband drops something on you like that, it becomes hard to not give him the "what the fuck just happened?" face.

"Are you sure about this? I mean…having children doesn't mean that…"

"Bella, I have thought a lot about this. Ever since Chicago, I have thought nothing but this because at the end of the day, I don't need this job. Do I love acting? Yes, absolutely but my life with you and our child means more to me."

"So…if I…stay in this industry…that would make me selfish?" I questioned.

"Absolutely not. You love what you're doing and you just started. I have been doing this for over twenty years. I didn't tell you this because I'm trying to find ways to ask you to quit your career. I want you to be happy and if you did leave Hollywood, you wouldn't be happy because you're just starting and you would always resent me and maybe even our child. This decision I am making for myself. I have been Edward Cullen…actor, producer, director…celebrity but now I'm ready to be Edward Cullen…father and husband, completely committed. You being gone in August…it was a wakeup call. I didn't do anything wrong but I don't ever want to feel what I felt those long days. Our relationship…we've been battling and instead of dealing with our issues we have done everything but and I think that if we were stronger than August would never have happened."

"I didn't leave because we weren't strong enough…I left because I sincerely felt that you broke my heart. August wasn't exactly easy for me either. Do you even realize what type of dark thoughts I battled? Yes, it was a wakeup call. We have been struggling even though I didn't even realize it. But in that moment…all I wanted to do…"

I couldn't even finish it because I never wanted to go down that road again.

Edward pulled me to him and embraced me.

"Please don't ever think that way again, no matter what ever happens. Bella. You're really scaring the shit out of me." Edward practically shook from his chest breathing so deeply.

"It was hard but…if it hadn't been for Embry. Anyway, I don't want to talk about this anymore. I thought we got through all this." I dismissed.

"I know you don't want to talk about it but…we are both still struggling. I never expected marriage to be easy, hell I didn't expect it to be fifty fifty but I want us to be stronger and the only way we will get back to that is if we communicate more. I realize that with our argument before I left…I messed up. I shouldn't have just expected you to understand where I was coming from. I didn't allow you really a chance to even discuss things through. I just was upset that you were so completely adverse that I handled my feelings and thoughts poorly."

I sighed.

"Are you unhappy, Edward?" I asked softly.

"Some days…I'm stressed. Some days I may be mad but I'm not naive to think that every day is going to be perfect. Right now…I'm more stressed then I think you know. I'm stressed wondering if you and our baby are going to be okay. I lay up at night and almost every scenario goes through my mind of the things that could happen to you. I am always going to be concerned for your wellbeing but knowing that now it's not just you I have to be concerned with…it makes me nervous. I know that some of the things that I propose may sound crazy and I will try to step back and be objective when you ask me too but I really hope you will hear my pleas and uh…try to indulge me every once in a while."

"I can do that…if…you don't get upset with me if I don't agree. You have tendencies to go a little overboard sometimes. I know that that is your Tria Fata training but it can be a little tough to take and then I get upset and soon we have World War III."

"Okay…I feel good about this." Edward exhaled, "So with all that in mind there is something else I want to bring up."

The other shoe…has dropped.

"We are going to New York next week for…Embry's concert. I know that you and Angela want to go crazy and have fun…of course I want that for you but just remember that the kind of crowd that Embry…E.C. Crime draws…I was thinking maybe…just for the next couple of months while you are going everywhere and will be in contact with all walks of life…"

"Spit it out, Edward." I laughed. My god, he was about to have a coronary.

"I want to hire a bodyguard."

"For who?" I scoffed.

"Baby, please just hear me out. A bodyguard is not such a bad idea…I mean, you are a celebrity after all and it would only take one crazy mob of paparazzi or a crazy fan…"

"Edward…you already have enough eyes on me. I don't think I can take one more. If I was a dead carcass, Tria Fata would be my maggots. You have Garrett and Jacob around me nearly at all times. I don't need a bodyguard."

"A lot of people in our position have one. It's not that absurd." Edward argued.

"But I don't want one." Did that just sound as whiny as I think it did?

Edward sighed. "Maybe…I can come up with some sort of compromise?"

"Maybe indeed."

"I'll think about it and get back to you."

Edward started thinking straight away.

"You have a lot of bases covered, you know. Not only are you around a lot but you have two Tria Fata foot soldiers on the job and Embry will be in Oregon during the dates that you won't be there so.."

"Why is Embry coming to Oregon?" Edward interrupted.

"The girls really want to come up and watch filming…well Savannah wants to come. This is her favorite book after all so Embry said he would bring them. I imagine my mother will want to come as well. She really has never seen what it is I do and I know that she will invite herself along."

"Well that does make me feel a little better. After my filming is finished, I can be around you…forever." Edward smiled.

"Creepy."

Edward tightened his hold on me. "I'm your husband; there is nothing creepy about it. If I want to watch after you…no matter where you are…the bathroom…the shower…"

"Stop it; you're giving the baby goose bumps." I pulled up my shirt to show my somewhat pudgy stomach.

"I'm so sorry, baby." Edward scooted down and began to coo at my stomach. He laid his head down on my pudge, "Do you think if we were to get an ultrasound now we could hear its heartbeat?"

"Maybe…I'm sure by now…I guess we are coming up on the three-month mark. Have you decided how we're going to tell everyone? A press release?"

"Never." Edward scoffed. "My baby is way too good for some sleazy press release."

I laughed and it felt good.

"Actually, I was wondering if…we could have a dinner with just our family and friends for your birthday the night before we leave for New York. Maybe then we could tell them…"

I nodded, "Okay. I guess I'm ready to…do that. But before we do maybe we could go to the doctors that morning and just be sure everything looks…okay."

"I'm so glad you said that. I've wanted to go. I have been worried ever since August…with all the stress and stuff."

"I don't think there is anything wrong…I haven't seen any abnormal bleeding, well there hasn't been bleeding at all. Embry took good care of me while…anyway I would have known if I had any bleeding and I didn't so…my first perk to this whole baby thing. However, I think I would trade vomiting to have my period back again."

My morning sickness had calmed a tad but every once in a while it managed to kick me in the ass. Also I had started to wonder if these vitamins the doctor had me on was a diuretic, never in my life did I pee so often before.

"I will make the appointment and…dinner reservations."

Edward pulled himself up to me. His face was nearly touching mine and I held my breath because I knew. He started his kiss off slow as if to make sure I was going to accept. I closed my eyes and slowly allowed myself to relax and become completely uninhibited. Edward felt my body melt into him and he took that cue. Suddenly he jumped on me.

"Wait! No." I gasped and pushed him off.

"Sorry…I…I thought you were ready."

Edward looked immediately hurt and it hadn't even occurred to me that he thought my brashness was due to something else.

"No…it's not that. I'm…ready. I just…this is going to sound completely stupid." I cringed.

"What is it?" He asked while I prepared what was in my head to not sound as idiotic as I'm sure it was.

"I don't want your weight…on me. Don't you think that you should stay off of my stomach? I don't want to hurt the baby."

"Oh…oh….uh…okay but…this isn't, I mean you're okay with us…being together again?"

"Yes. Of course, I mean I hope that I don't get the urge to vomit because logistically if you're not on top, it could be very messy…for you…"

"Well there are other positions…and…"

"Edward, are you going to do me or not? I don't think sitting here and drawing out a plan is really turning me on."

"Right…" he stuttered. Edward placed a soft slow hand on my thigh and stared down at his hand like at any minute my body was going to burn him. I could see how hard this was for him. It had been quite a number of weeks since we had last made love and I knew that August had done its damage.

"Edward." I placed a hand on his face and guided his eyes back up to mine. "Make love to your wife."

He gave me a small smile and nodded. So many times Edward and I were with one another. Sure there were significant ones. Our honeymoon. The moment we made our miracle. But this one was significant to me as well because it had shown us how quickly our relationship could get off course and how hard we both always needed to work to ensure that August never happened again.

Here I wrote about that infamous August so much after I had said I would try to spare you from it but I guess in the end I knew it would feel odd to see such leap and bounds in our relationship without any explanations. Again I apologize for not bearing the gritty details but August for me was just about as bad as it could ever get in my marriage.

The planning for a film can be very tedious in those few months. So many contracts to be made for not only talent but filming permits that needed to be filed, equipment that needed to be rented. So many official papers that one could drown in them. Of course it wasn't like I had to do it all myself. Every crew position has a long list of paperwork and red tape to get through especially when you decide to film on location outside of a sound stage. It can be very stressful to ensure that everything was done prior to arrival.

Hence the reason I missed our baby appointment.

"I just…didn't understand why you couldn't leave for an hour." Edward wasn't mad at me but he was clearly disappointed.

"I'm sorry. The day…I just…I'm sorry. We're just trying to get this all done. I promise that we will tell everyone soon. We don't need to tell them tonight…what's one more week?"

I was finishing up my makeup for my birthday dinner which was literally commencing in one hour. Obviously I was running late from production meetings that went over their allotted time. Edward was getting ready himself and it was disaster because we had decided to go straight from the studio to the dinner so we were forced to share a tiny bathroom.

"We can't go next week. We leave for New York tomorrow morning and after we get back we leave for Oregon."

"Oh…that's right." I winced. "Uh…maybe Dr. Smith would like to take a vacation. I hear Oregon in September is quite lovely."

"You want to fly our doctor to Oregon because you couldn't make an hour worth of time this morning."

I sighed and started to pull on my dress.

"Can you zip me up?" I asked quietly knowing that I had fucked up and had no right to ask Edward for any favor.

Edward walked over and took the zipper. I felt him tugging at me.

"Uh…honey…it's not fitting."

Instantly I felt my body turn red. "No. NO! You gotta be fucking kidding me." I pulled at the zipper on my back trying to do it myself which was pretty stupid.

"Honey, calm down…I'm sure we can…find something else."

"No. I don't have anything else. This is it. I don't fit into any of my clothes and I don't have time to get new ones. Everything is just going wrong. I missed our baby appointment and now you're mad…" I started sobbing.

"Bella, baby…it's okay. I'm not mad." Edward pulled me into his arms and I started to sob all over his shirt.

"I can't go tonight." I cried.

"Yes, you can." He rubbed small circles into my back.

"I can't fit into anything…I'm not going to this fancy restaurant dressed in sweaty jeans and shirt from earlier."

Edward pulled out his phone and started dialing.

"Just give me a minute." He asked and then started talking into the phone. "Hey man. Emergency…Bella has…well she's having trouble fitting into her dress, do you think you can bring a couple over. I know. I know. Yes. Of course. I know." I could tell that whomever he was talking to was giving him a hard time by the way he said, "I know."

Edward hung up and tossed his phone to my bed. "Why don't you finish getting ready. You smeared your makeup. Marcus will be over soon."

"You called Marcus?"

"Yes and apparently I owe him big. He was already getting into the car to come to the dinner tonight."

"Marcus will make you pay." I noted. "Thank you, Edward. I'm sorry…I'm such a mess."

"You're not a mess…you're just…pregnant." He winked and gave me that smile that still after all this time makes me weak in the knees.

A half hour later my knight in white Porsche came riding up to rescue me.

"Dear me…what happened here." Marcus walked in and I was still dressed in my bra and panties.

He turned to look at me and gasped.

"I'm bloated." I lamely replied.

"My god, I didn't realize you could actually eat a baby these days." He appraised me. "Four months. Right?"

"Hey!" I complained loudly.

"You can tell?" Edward asked shocked.

I smacked Edward in the arm, "I'm not four months…I'm only three."

I felt like crying all over again. Was I really that fat?

Marcus knew he had messed up with his assessment so he cringed and turned to place the clothes out.

"I'm getting fat again, aren't I?" I asked Edward. Something my mind always battled since my former pudgy days.

"You're not fat, you're pregnant."

"But, he thinks I'm farther along so I'm overweight for my size." I replied.

"Bella, he's a fashion designer not a doctor. It was an honest mistake." Edward looked at Marcus and gave him a look.

"Fashion designer trumps doctor. Fashion designers know more about weight any day over doctors." I complained.

"Oh sweetie. Stop sulking. You look beautiful so just get your prego ass over here and try on these dresses while I try to forget how you didn't think I was important enough to tell of your little plight."

"We haven't hardly told anyone…"

"Yeah yeah…I know when I'm not welcomed into the circle of trust."

Great, now who was going to cry?

I finally had a dress on and thankfully my giant pregnant ass could still fit into some decent shoes. We were already supposed to be at the restaurant and running quite late.

"I'm sorry we're late." I apologized to Edward and Marcus as we walked out of the offices.

Garrett came running up to us out of nowhere.

"There's an emergency…we might be a little late tonight. Apparently there's been a…a…disaster over where they are building the set. Someone got hurt. We need to go by. It doesn't look good."

"Uh…Edward why don't you and Marcus go ahead. I'll come with Garrett when we're done."

"Don't worry baby. We can come with you."

We all went rushing over to the sound stage where the mansion was being built for the Two Moons set. I was so worried about what could have happened I hadn't even realized that we weren't at the right sound stage.

"Wait, this isn't where we're supposed to be." I said just as we walked in.

It was so dark but then all the lights turned on and suddenly I was surrounded by a shit ton of people all screaming "surprise!"

What the fuck!

I might have actually said that out loud.

I clutched my chest still in complete shock.

Edward came up and kissed my neck, "You surprised?"

"Uh….what?"

We have just so many family and friends…we needed a bigger place and Warner Bros. was happy to accommodate."

I stood there and looked around to see this normal everyday sound stage completely transformed into a hip lounge with a stage and everything. Everyone was still looking at me to have some sort of reaction.

"Uh…wow…I am kind of…a state of shock…wow…" Everyone laughed.

"Um…thank you…for coming. Thank you for being here. I…um…am sorry that I took so long. I thought I was only inconveniencing a couple of people. I had dress malfunctions. Um…I couldn't fit into my dress…"

Cue the babbling.

I looked over at Edward and for a minute I was able to pause this moment and realize just how much work he must have put into this for me. He looked at me with those eyes that made me feel like I was perfect. I wasn't perfect but the way he looked at me, it was like that's how he saw me.

"I couldn't fit into my dress because…" I took Edward's hand. "We're going to have a baby."

The room that held our family erupted into cheers and screams and Edward looked like it was his birthday.

"So have a glass of alcohol for me."

The music started up and the whole place seemed a hundred times louder but I could still hear Edward, close to my ear he thanked me.

"This means the world to me Isabella Cullen. Thank you. Thank you."

August seemed like a distant memory. It was a reminder to always hold the ones we love closer. Never take them for granted. Even though our marriage would never be smooth sailing, I would much rather face the most rocky waves with Edward then silent waters on my own.

AN: I have a feeling I'm going to be ripped a new asshole for this chapter, all I can say is that August will be explained in Crossfade. I know that some of you feel that this Bella is annoying or selfish but there are all reasons for everything. As for Jacob I did want to take the time to address his character once more. When I started writing this story, it was never meant to be a Twilight fanfic and unfortunately in doing so, it leaves prejudice. I understand because I too am Team Edward. I too didn't like New Moon however I do believe that the role of Jacob's character is genuine and only positive in moving the adjacent characters forward. I never will have Jacob end up in any way with Bella so there is nothing to worry about. He is just a friend and loyalty is his only fault.

I hope you will allow me the opportunity to fully explain but some explanations may not come until Crossfade which I will continue once I am done with Part Three. As of right now I am assuming that this portion will not go past seventy-five chapters but it's not completely written so who knows.

Thank you for reading and reviewing.