I knew 'Author's Note' had a higher purpose to its life then my whining alone and so, I use this to tell the idiot who anonymously reviewed my author's note almost half a lifetime ago (chapter 49). For one, when I wrote that, almost nobody reviewed the story. Secondly, you don't read 'rhetorical' all that well. if I were writing for reviews alone, I woulda given up long ago. I write cz I want to. Having said that, I like my ego boosted. Next time, skip the author's note :p
Thanks to NY Gal, Lucretius, Radar and Disaster for reviews.
Happy reading!
Chapter 91
Maybe my utility in this place was over. Maybe Army would send me home now that I had slipped so miserably realizing I was not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, not anymore. This wasn't the first time I had lost a patient, neither was it the first time I had lost a patient after so much work being put into his recovery. He wasn't even the youngest patient I had ever lost either. So what was so different about him? What was so infinitely bad about this kid? I really didn't know the answer to that question. Something was different, that was for sure.
Going back to mess tent was useless. In fact, short of leaving camp once again, there just wasn't a single decent option available to me right now. Maybe if Rosie's was open...
Nah! I couldn't do that to myself, could I?
Of course I could. After what I did to that little boy...
Swamp was my last option, more was the pity.
Scared of Frank Burns?
'NO!'
Then why so much resistance going back to your own home away from home, huh?
'Go to hell!'
Swamp it was gonna be and rest everything be damned, I finally decided. Frank was asleep. I almost-envied him his heartlessness at that minute but maybe I wasn't that far gone and that envy didn't last for more than a few short moments before I felt the gorge of disgust rising inside me as I felt grateful for not being him, inability to sleep be damned!
I quietly approached my cot and lied down. It was then that I remembered why I felt trepidation about coming back here. Frank wasn't the reason; not really anyway. I wanted to think about whatever had happened last few days. What could I've done to avoid Billy's death? It always came down to not checking in on him in pre-op the day he came in. Why did a mistake so small as that cost a kid his life? How was that fair? In a just world...
Oh for crying out loud, stop philosophizing about an unjust world. You think it matters to those who sent you and him here?
After a few minutes or maybe hours, I'm not sure, I got tired of lying down with these thoughts and counter-thoughts going through my mind. I decided to relieve BJ of his shift early. It was breakfast time anyway.
"Hello BJ." I placed a coffee mug in front of him as I sat on the table holding another mug myself.
"Oh hello, Hawk! You're up early." Mindless greetings as if everything was normal.
"Yeah. Figured you won't mind being relieved a little early today. What do you say?" I continued in the same calm tone but what I said got BJ's attention.
"Thought Potter told you to stay out of post-op?"
"He did, till today. I cannot let you have all the fun now, can I?" Enough with the niceties and fake coolness.
"Hawk! Go. Rest."
"I just took some very comforting brand of rest, Beej. Anymore of that and I'll become certifiable."
"Frank said something?" BJ sounded angry and worried.
"I don't need him to become certifiable, Captain Hunnicut." He really was new here and he hadn't seen my particular brand of insanity yet.
"Dreams?" So he wasn't that out of touch when it came to my insanity after all.
"No. Nothing like that. Not yet anyway." I let that slip tiredly before I could catch myself.
"Hawk!"
"Not now, Beej. Its..."
"Hawk! You gotta stop."
"Stop what, Beej? I haven't even started anything yet."
"You know what I mean."
"Don't think so. I'm not really a morning person. My mind's still at quarter-mast."
"Can you come to mess tent with me? I think they'll be alright without their doctor for a few minutes."
"Yeah. And big good we did by staying here anyway." I shook my head in disgust, both at my cruel observation and the truth in it and also, at the change I felt in myself from being a pragmatist to this brooding, dark, cruel person.
"What's gotten into you, Hawkeye Pierce?" BJ asked me almost rhetorically.
"What do you mean, 'gotten into me'? Nothing's 'gotten' into me." I answered, mimicking BJ's tone, inflection for inflection.
"What's with all the negative talk?"
"Guess I'm just tired, Beej. Its been a long week."
"Ya think? You didn't sleep, did you?"
"I tried. I even envied Frank for whole of five seconds for being able to sleep before I succumbed to my own moral superiority." I felt my voice getting bitter and heavy with emotion before I finished my sentence, remembering Billy Johnson once again and how I promised to care for him and then failed him. And failed myself.
"Hawk! You do know you did everything? Right?"
"Yeah, Beej. I do ..." I sighed. I knew I did everything. Everything except checking him in pre-op.
"Can you stop beating yourself about not checking him in pre-op?" BJ said as he put some eggs in his tray and then in mine. Two thoughts crossed my mind as I looked at him with what I thought of as a neutral expression : First was, how did he know that's what I was thinking and second, how could he expect me to forget that mistake?
"I'm sorry, Hawk. I ... I don't know."
I just moved along in chow line silently behind him. I didn't notice anything that he put in my tray after the eggs either.
"When I was little, maybe seven or eight, not so sure, Billy, my cousin gave me this slingshot. Billy was the coolest kid in the whole town. For me, he was the coolest 'man' in the whole world. I copied everything he did, followed him everywhere and whatnot. I wanted to grow up to be like him. He's married now, living in Manchester with his wife and three kids. He probably doesn't even remember me anymore. Last we met was at my med school graduation and it felt so strange that I wanted to grow up to be like him. Kids can really be dumb sometimes!" I didn't want to go on any further. I didn't want to think about that slingshot anymore either. Why the hell was I cursed with a memory?
"So what happened?" BJ was paying attention to my meanderings which was not unexpected but still, made me slightly uncomfortable.
"Nothing. I saw Billy in a dream a few days back and this patient reminded me of him again. He has a farm in Manchester. Fink! Moved to colder climate zone." I chuckled mirthlessly, hoping my change of subject was lost on BJ.
"Hawk! What's going on?" It was not lost on BJ.
"Nothing, Beej. I'm just tired!"
"You sure that's the only thing?"
"Stop worrying, Beej! I told you I'll be fine. Just a little bit tired, that's all."
"Then go, sleep after breakfast." BJ ordered me and that reminded me of the tray BJ had filled with food and was lying in front of me now.
"Sounds like a plan." I spoke without enthusiasm as I started eating some of the food in my tray, for once not even bothering to sniff it. I could feel BJ's eyes boring holes into my skull but I knew that I was fine and he was worried for no good reason.
"Not gonna sniff it today?"
"I used all my sniffing abilities for those heavenly Reubens yesterday." I flashed a grin, remembering the treat BJ threw us. It all seemed to have happened a lifetime ago.
"You'll go to Swamp from here?"
"Dunno, really. Was thinking of covering post-op or maybe go to some village nearby, whichever is on our schedule."
"After what happened to you last time you played Good Samaritan?" BJ chuckled this time and I smiled myself.
"Am a masochistic nutcase, my friend. Thought you knew." I said as I put down my fork, unable to eat anymore of the mess slop.
"I brought you some crackers from the PX. Remind me to give them to you when I return from post-op."
What had gotten into BJ? Now I was sure he had no clue about my letter to his wife. The way I was feeling deep inside, I wanted to spill it right away and let all his good cheer for me evaporate.
Was I really turning into a masochistic freak?