Here's a new one. Thanks to NY Gal, Serilia and Ragni for reviewing and Esthermarie for the PM. End is close and I can see it but work is killing me right now. I will finish it, that's a promise with the usual disclaimers. You guys keep reading and if possible, keep reviewing as well.

Have fun!

Chapter 94

The fake high was just that, a fake high. Now that I think about that time, I realize why I did what I did that day. Sometimes, you just want to forget. Sometimes, you just don't want to feel so utterly helpless. And sometimes, its as simple as self preservation. Before that time, I always had some way, mostly via a bar stool, to get over things, to get ready to get back to my work, my life. Those days, everything was highly palpable, at times excruciatingly so. That kid's death weighed on me heavily. Frank's disdain only poured oil on that fire and on top of that was the possibility of the inquiry. Maybe things had gotten this bad before but I had no conscious memory. This was the worst I had felt and I was actually afraid of losing my mind at that time. As it turned out, that fear was a little premature but it was not baseless.

Poker was a non-starter. We all showed up, all seemingly interested, but pretty soon, we all realized nobody's heart was in the game. After Klinger won the third pot in a row, people started leaving. Night had come too fast for my liking. I was trying to push it away as hard as possible. The worst bit was, after all of last few days exhaustion, I wanted to sleep as well.

After nobody was left to play with, I shuffled the cards a few times, trying to decide what to do next.

"Wanna shoot a few hoops, Beej?"

"What?" BJ looked at me incredulously. I didn't think it was such an unreasonable request on my part. BJ was being dramatic.

"Hoops, Beej. Basketball? I'm sure I saw a basketball lying around here somewhere." I tried to find one.

"Are you crazy?" I remembered him asking the same thing a while ago.

"Why crazy? Weather is great. That bone freezing chill....So reminiscent of my misspent youth!"

"Hawk, you know something? You ARE crazy! I wanna sleep. It was a long day. Maybe you should sleep too. Yours wasn't exactly a short one either."

"You sleep, Beej! I'm not exactly sleepy! Going out to find somebody to play with."

"HAWK! Wait. What's wrong with you?" BJ had sat up and I could see anger flashing in his eyes, at whom, I wasn't so sure. Didn't seem like he was mad at me. I hadn't done anything to him.

Not anything that he knows of.

"Beej, nothing's wrong. Why do you have to jump to a conclusion so fast? I am just hyped and want to shoot some hoops. If I had known everybody would be so bushed, I would never have tried to set up a poker game!"

"You weren't exactly winning either."

"Yeah. I don't do well when sober. You know that."

"What's going on, Hawk?" BJ asked me somberly before I saw him almost bite his tongue.

"Its alright, Beej. I'm not made of glass. It was a long and hard day and I want to forget about it. I just want to be so tired I sleep and not have any dreams about anything anymore."

"Dreams?"

"Yeah. I can call them dreams now. Just a long forgotten memory."

"Something to do with today's events?"

"Yeah, in a way yes." I wasn't sure how it would sound to him. I wasn't sure if he believed that I was crazy uptil now but would it stay the same if I did tell him.

"What happened?"

"I told you about Billy, right? I used his BB gun to shoot a bird and the bird got injured badly. Right behind my bedroom window. I could hear it cry that night. And the next few nights. Awake. In dreams. It was scary. I couldn't sleep. Billy said it was all my fault that the bird died like this. Now I see him every night, pointing towards that bird telling me it is my fault."

"And the bird is that kid?" BJ asked.

"Yeah."

"How old were you?"

"Six. Seven."

"It wasn't your fault."

"I'm not six anymore!"

"Yeah. I should correct what I said. It was not your fault back then like it's not your fault now."

"We would never know."

"I know! You gotta take it easy, Hawk!" I snorted slightly.

"This? From the king of self recriminations?"

"I only do it when I'm sure I didn't do something right. Or when I feel I didn't do enough."

"Yeah? Who are you kidding, Beej."

"We're not talking about me right now!"

"That's true. I keep forgetting that its not always about you." I grinned at his annoyance.

"Where's Frank?" Was BJ trying to change the subject?

"Don't tell me you're trying to make friends with him as well. I know my idea was good so you might feel like stealing it but you don't have to steal him from me."

"Hawk! Shut up. I'm trying to sleep. I think you should, too!"

"Killjoy!" I mumbled loud enough to be heard by BJ as I turned off the lights and closed my eyes, beckoning Morpheus to make an appearance.

Seemed like Morpheus had abandoned me completely.

I was awake when Frank entered the tent sometime after every light in the camp had died. He was quieter than his usual sneaky self. Perhaps BJ's earlier outburst scared him. Where he had spent last few hours was a mystery to me. With Cate gone, Margaret all but married, and rest of nurses smarter than these two when it came to Frank, I couldn't figure out where he had been all along. Definitely not the post-op. Frank wasn't born on the day when empathy was being instilled in humans.

Suddenly, I saw him move towards my cot and I closed my eyes. There were better ways to fall asleep and watching Frank Burns close by or hear him whine wasn't one of them.

"Pierce. How do you do that?" That got me completely He sounded desperate. No smugness, no sniveling. I was expecting anything but desperation from him.

"Do what?" I couldn't help. I was surprised to see him all startled and dare I say, embarrassed.

"Nothing. Mind your own beeswax." He grumped before leaving for his cot where he noisily turned on the light but immediately turned it off as BJ mumbled something in his sleep.

"Scared of BJ, Frank?" I whispered loudly but the sudden flash of light had destroyed my night vision for me to see his eyes. It was pretty funny even as I imagined it. BJ was turning out to be a scary little bully when there was need for one and I liked that very much.

"You just don't know when to stop, do you, Pierce! I would know when to stop if I were you."

"I know that you have filed some official papers but I think Cate is reluctant. Your star witness has backed out. Seems like she wasn't as stupid as she appeared to be, going out with you and all..." I just said that to annoy Frank but his reaction was both funny and relieving at the same time.

"How do you.........You......You......" Frank stormed out of the tent and the door slammed on its jamb and BJ mumbled something very loudly in response.

"Goodnight Frank!" I smiled at the closing door, actually feeling some of the weight lifting off my shoulders.

Maybe I wasn't so wrong about Cate after all.....