Flash of Red and Black
Chapter XXVI
"Good work, everyone. Get some rest. Dismissed," I ordered, looking at the six teams in front of me. Most filed out immediately. Ino and Sakura left after glancing back at me once. Shikamaru, Shikaku and Kakashi all stayed put.
"You need rest too," the older Nara said once the door closed again. I was about to shake my head, but then then his younger counterpart stepped forward, worry masked with irritation seeping through his features.
"You didn't sleep on the way back either, Naruto," he said, staring hard at me. I frowned.
"I know best how much I need rest," I said, staring just as hard back. He frowned and his stare deepened to a glare before he nearly growled with frustration, roughly running a hand through his hair.
"Fine. But if you're still here when I come back, I'm ordering the ANBU to force you home, no matter what your title is," he said, giving me one more glare before leaving, closing the door a little too forcefully as he left. Shikaku sighed beside me, looking at the door before looking back down at me.
"He's worried, and I think he's right to be," he said, and I couldn't help giving a bitter laugh.
"You think?" I asked, looking up at him. His frown only deepened at my sarcasm. We all knew Shikamaru was right to be worried.
"Call Konohamaru's team. Then I'll head home," I told Shikaku, forcing my head to clear. Suddenly I felt much, much older than the newly-minted 21 year-old that I was.
Shikaku nodded and left to get the team. Kakashi stayed, staring at me, but I shook my head.
"I'll see you at home," I said quietly, and he hesitated before giving a small nod. Then he disappeared, leaving a swirl of leaves in his wake.
I slumped into my chair, taking a deep breath as I stared out the window, trying to calm myself as I felt the chakra of Konohamaru's team slowly approaching. The crisp air blowing in from the window helped clear my head, and the familiar chakra on the roof helped calm my emotions, even if he was supposed to be headed home.
I took another deep breath when I heard footsteps approaching, but I didn't have long before there was a knock on the door.
"Enter!" I commanded, and the door swung open to reveal the three.
"Naruto-niichan! What are you—" Konohamaru started as he walked into the room, but when he saw my expression he cut himself off as the others filed in behind.
"What happened?" he asked carefully, his expression darkening. The others mirrored the look.
"Ebisu was killed in action," I said, my expression grave and serious, my voice a forced calm. They looked at me, their worried looks slowly changing to disbelief, then grief. Moegi broke out in silent tears, and Udon reached to comfort his teammate even as his shoulders shook with his own pain. Konohamaru's hands balled into fists, knuckles turning white as his head dropped, hiding his eyes.
I sat silently, listening to tears crash against the floor. There was nothing I could do, and only in that moment did I realize how much of an idiot I was to always want to become Hokage. It was no wonder so few wanted the position. I could almost laugh at my stupidity for not realizing sooner.
"Did he say anything?" Konohamaru asked quietly after a few minutes, trying to force his voice to be level as he looked up at me.
"He has faith in you," I told him, and his eyes widened before I saw him bite his lip and give a short nod, looking away again as his shoulders shook.
I waited for more questions, but none came and slowly the group pulled themselves together enough to look up at me again.
"The funeral is in two days. I'll see you there," I told them quietly, and they all nodded weakly.
A few moments later, I was alone in my office again, but then Kakashi silently appeared next to me. I stood and without saying anything, I reached over and grabbed his hand before we walked home.
Not yet. Not yet. Not yet, I repeated to myself silently as we walked, but slowly I felt myself unraveling as exhaustion seemed to sink deep into my bones. I felt Kakashi's eye on me, and when my shoulders sagged, I was suddenly tugged into a dark alley, and then I felt Kakashi's arms around me.
In the next second, we were in our living room, and Kakashi's voice was in my ear.
"We're home, Naruto," he whispered gently, and as if those words were the key to unlocking all the thoughts and emotions that I'd sealed away during the mission, I felt my withering control snap apart.
Tears streaked my face and soaked his flak jacket. Cries and screams tore from my mouth, muffled in his shoulder. My breathing and heart rate were suddenly erratic. My knuckles turned white as I clutched him as if my life depended on it.
"I'm such a fucking idiot! I should've been able to break that genjutsu! I should've been able to escape! I shouldn't have gone in the first place! I put everyone in danger! He'd still be alive if I could've just not looked in his fucking eyes! Everyone could've died because of me! My job is toprotect everyone, but I couldn't do it! I was too fucking weak! And it hurt so much! It hurt! I couldn't stand it! Kurama couldn't even stand it! He was a fucking monster! How the hell can he laugh like that when I was screaming in pain! I couldn't handle it! I was supposed to be able to handle it! But everything hurt sofucking badly! How did it stop hurting? I should still be hurting! I deserve to keep hurting! It's my fault he's dead, even if that fucking monster killed him! But I still wish we could have saved him! He was Jiraiya's friend! At the very least, I hoped I could do what he couldn't and bring his friend home! But I can't bring anyonehome! I can't do anything! I'm useless! I shouldn't have been rescued! I should've just died in there! Screaming in pain! It hurt so fucking badly, but he should've made it hurt more! I deserved to hurt more! Should've fucking cut Kurama out of me and left me to die! I should've stayed trapped there! Why the fuck am I alive? I'm just as much a fucking monster as he is!" I cried.
At some point, I moved to be facing Kakashi. I saw his eye grow wider, and I felt his grip on me tighten, but I couldn't stop. It felt like I was getting crushed by some invisible force, crushing me and forcing the words out of my head and air out of my burning lungs.
"His screams! He hurt just as badly! Why didn't I kill him sooner? I should've killed him sooner! He shouldn't have died in that much pain! No one should feel that much pain! But he was such a bastard! He fucking brought back Sasuke! And laughed! But again I couldn't save him! I'll never be able to save him! I can't ever save anyone! I can't do anything! I'm just as useless as I was as a child! No! I'm worse than I was as a kid because I get people killed! And I kill people! I kill them and leave them in so much pain! I shouldn't have left him in that much pain! I should've killed him quickly! I'm such a fucking monster! They all were right! They've always been right! I'm a monster! I've always been a monster! I'm a monster and I hurt people and I get hurt and it hurts so much!" I screamed and screamed, unable to stop, unable to breathe, even as I felt Kakashi gripping me tighter and tighter, but I just went on and on.
"I could only scream! I was hurting myself! And he was hurting me! And it hurt so badly! Everything burned! And he burned! I burned him! I burned him to death! I should've killed him faster! I'm a monster! I'm a fucking mon—" I continued, but then my head was suddenly whipped to the side and I found myself on the ground, my cheek stinging. I looked at the ground next to me, confused. I was totally filled with confusion as I felt soft, gloved hands rest on my cheeks and slowly, carefully turn my head forward.
Kakashi was crouched in front of me, dark eye huge and worried. Slowly, he pulled one hand away from my head and pulled down his mask before letting it caress my cheek again, but I just stared at him, still not understanding anything.
"Naruto," he called slowly, quietly. Concern flooded his voice.
"S-sorry! I just—" I said, suddenly shaking uncontrollably all over, but my eyes wouldn't leave his.
"Naruto! Breathe," he commanded, cutting me off. I tried to do as he said, but I just kept shaking. My hands moved to grip the sleeves of his forearms, my nails making holes as I stared at him, panic pulsing through my rapidly.
"I-I can't! It hurts—" I cried, shaking more. I felt his grip tighten on both sides of my head, as if he could hold my body still.
"Breathe! Breathe with me, Naruto. In and out," he said, grabbing one of my hands and placing it on his chest, but my hand just fisted the material beneath it, shaking with white knuckles.
"It hurts! Everything hurt! Everything hurts! It's broken! I'm broken! I-I can't—"
"You can! Naruto, listen to me. You're safe. You're home. Just try to breathe," he pleaded. His voice barely managed to keep a forced calm as he tried to unfurl my hand against his chest, never breaking eye contact.
"I'm not! I can't! It hurts! I hurt him! I killed him! He deserved to die. I deserved to die! I should've died! I shouldn't be alive! I shouldn't be breathing! I can't breathe!"
"Naruto! Listen to me, please! You're okay. You're safe. Please, please, just breathe," he begged, slowly inching closer to me. I was shaking too much to either pull him closer or push him away.
"It's not safe! I'll hurt you! I hurt people! I hurt! Make it stop hurting!"
"It's okay! Naruto, it's okay. You're okay. Please, listen to me Naruto," he choked, unshed tears clogging his throat.
"It's not okay! NOTHING IS OKAY!" I screeched, before I couldn't say anything more. Kakashi's mouth silenced mine, not moving until my lungs were burning for air.
He pulled away and I gasped for much-needed oxygen panting and shaking. My hands dropped from his chest and sleeve, and I fell forward, not having strength left to even sit upright, but Kakashi caught me and held me up, looking me over, worried.
Tears kept streaming down my face and my body trembled. I couldn't form any words. I just looked at Kakashi helplessly.
Slowly, carefully, he pulled me towards him, situating me so that my head rested against his arm and I could still see his face. He ran his thumb across my wet cheek, and I could feel his hand shaking against my skin.
"Breathe, Naruto," he whispered.
Slowly, I tried to do as I was told. My breaths were uneven and halting, but I could feel the air going in and out of my body the way it was supposed to.
"You're safe. You're home. You're okay," Kakashi murmured quietly, as if anything louder would break the small peace. I took a shuddering deep breath and then closed my eyes for a moment, trying to calm down, but seeing nothing but black made me gasp and I jolted up, panicked until Kakashi positioned himself in front of me again.
"Naruto. Breathe," he said, calmly, gently. His hand wasn't trembling this time as he took mine and pressed it against his chest again, trying to make me breathe at the same pace as him.
Again, I tried to follow his instructions, and slowly, ever-so slowly, my breathing normalized and my shaking slowed.
"Sorry," I managed, staring into his dark eye still. Gradually, he moved closer again, lightly tapping our foreheads together. He exhaled and then I saw water drip from the tip of his nose and splash against the floor. I gasped and pulled away, my hands on either side of his face, trying to wipe the tears away.
"I'm sorry! I scared you! I'm so so—" I tried, but then his lips were on mine, not letting me say any more.
"Don't apologize. It's okay. Don't worry about me," he said quietly, lips still ghosting over mine, and I slowly nodded before hugging him close and taking another deep, shuddering breath.
"Sorry! Really, that was… I'm sorry," I mumbled into the crook of his neck, not knowing what else to do. One hand knotted itself in my hair as the other ran up and down my spine while I clung to him.
"It's okay, Naruto. It's okay," he replied. Slowly, my grip on him loosened and he pulled back, looking at me carefully. After another moment or two, he stood and pulling me up with him.
"We're taking a bath, then sleeping," he said, and I nodded lamely, following him as he pulled me along, holding my hand firmly.
His hand was warm, wrapped around mine. It was comforting, and I was glad that he refused to let go, even as he turned the water on, letting it fill the bath.
Standing in front of me again, he helped me undress and then sat me on the little stool before I felt water rushing over my head. His hand finally left mine and moved to wash my hair instead. Those same fingers gently massaged my scalp, and I let myself relax against him, my head falling back to rest on his shoulder as he stood on his knees behind me.
His face softly nuzzled the side of his head for a while, but then he took the soap and lathered it over my skin, washing off all the grime that had accumulated during the mission. As they moved, it almost felt like those warm, comforting hands were massaging energy back into me and cleaning away my fears, leaving me more relaxed than I'd felt in days.
Once I was clean, he helped me back up and into the tub of water before he undressed and started cleaning himself. I watched through the steam as he slowly washed the blood and mud from his own body.
Apparently he noticed my stare, not that I was bothering to hide it, and looked over at me. I gave him a small smile before reaching over and grabbing his hand from where it was resting on his leg.
He just watched quietly as I opened his hand and kissed his palm. I ran one hand up his arm and to his neck, my fingers massaging that sensitive spot on the back of his neck that I knew he liked.
His thumb caressed my lip lightly, so lightly that it tickled a little, and I smiled, kissing the pad of the finger. He smiled a little too, and then he moved to join me in the hot water.
I just kept smiling and staring at him for a while, enjoying the sight before I started feeling greedy. I pulled him to me and made my lips meet his for a few second before pulling back and looking at him again. He ran his hands through my hair and then pulled me to him, burying his face in my neck. I wrapped my arms around him and clung to him just as tightly.
"I was so scared," he said so quietly that I almost thought I imagined it. I tried to pull away to look at his face, but he just held me tighter.
"When I heard those screams, I hoped they weren't yours, but when they stopped, I was so afraid that I was too late," he whispered, burying his face into my neck more. I cringed and ran one hand through his hair while the other hugged him closer in an effort to comfort him. As much as I wanted to, apologizing would only hurt him more, so I stayed quiet, but after sitting in silence for so long, I felt water dripping against my neck.
"I'm sorry I didn't come sooner," he choked out in a quiet murmur. My heart clenched painfully and I squeezed him to me, fervently shaking my head as I tried to find some words to ease his pain, to thank him.
"You found me. You saved me, so I'm okay. As long as you're around to save me, I'll always be okay," I mumbled against him. Silence prevailed for several long moments after that but then he shifted away from me and looked at me, dark eye still rimmed with red from drying tears.
"I'll save you every time, so you can't ever give up," he said, his voice thick but steady. I nodded.
"I wo—" I started, but Kakashi's lips cut me off.
"You're the last precious person I have left, Naruto. I need you. I can't lose anyone else," he whispered, voice breaking at the end. My heart was in my throat, and I crashed my lips against his before pulling back again.
"I need you too," I said before giving him a soft, short kiss and then resting my forehead on his. "I'll try to take better care of myself. I promise. But I'm reckless and an idiot, so you're going to have to keep saving me," I continued, and Kakashi was about to reply but I cut him off with another kiss.
"I need you, Kakashi. You have to take care of yourself too so that you will be around to keep saving me. So that I will be okay. Because I willnot be okay without you," I finished, pressing my forehead against his, trying to get my point across.
His brows knit together when I finished, and then he kissed me on the lips, cheek, ear, neck, before looking at me again.
"Alright," he whispered finally before kissing me again.
And suddenly everything felt like it would be okay. I was home. I had Kakashi with me. We were safe. I smiled and leaned into him
After a while longer, I stood, pulling Kakashi up and out of the bathtub with me, not bothering to grab a towel as I dragged him out of the room.
"What are you—"
"I want to take care of you," I said, cutting him off as we trailed water puddles behind us, and even without looking back at him, I knew his face was covered in confusion.
"And I want you to take care of me too," I said, as I pulled him across the house.
"Okay, but what are—"
"Right now," I said, glancing back at him, seeing as the confusion on his face dissipated and a small smile took its place.
"Alright," he said again, smiling this time
Then he pulled me back to him and crashed our lips together, guiding us the rest of the way to the bedroom as we tangled our bodies together.
And as my body warmed and burned along the trails of kisses he left, I knew that everything would be okay. Fears would surely haunt me, but just as strongly as they were burned into my memories, Kakashi's careful, comforting touch was burned into my body, and I was going to be sure to return the favor.
It's kind of hard to go from so many super action chapters to one like this, but I think it turned out okay. I hope you liked it and will be looking forward to the next! I'm going to try really hard to get it up next weekend.