Justice League: The Borderlands Saga
Chapter 2: Claptrap's Best Day Ever plus Handsome Jack's Worst Day Ever
Morning light shone over the cloudy snowy skies of Southern Shelf as the Justice League, the Vault Hunters and their extremely chatty blind robot guide led them to the cliff overlooking the settlement of Liar's Berg
"the guy who lives here goes by the name of Sir Hammerlock. He's an old friend of mine, he repaired me after Handsome Jack killed my entire product line" Claptrap explained
"wow… he's really not a very nice person. He's a big smelly meanie" Supergirl said in disgust
"I heard that Superbrat. You care to say that to my face when I get my hands on you?" Handsome Jack asked angrily over the ECHO
"hey! You don't talk to my baby sister like that, you rotten little…" Alex started before Supergirl politely cut her off
"I'll handle this. I'm good with this" Supergirl said confidently
"oh I get it…" Alex said, snickering in amusement at her younger sister's cleverness
"oh hi! Are you spying on us? You know it's not very nice to spy on strangers" Supergirl said teasingly, Handsome Jack seething with fury at the Girl of Steel's dumbness
"do you have any idea who I am?" Handsome Jack asked, clenching his teeth
"um… really ugly, disgusting, gray-haired middle-aged guy who wears a mask to cover his disfigured face and runs a company filled with killer toys?" Supergirl asked as Handsome Jack slammed his desk in fury
"I swear, when I get my hands on you, I'm gonna…" Handsome Jack threatened before he was cut off by really loud snoring
"Oh sorry, I fell asleep from that speech. All I heard was blah blah blah…" Supergirl started, as Handsome Jack felt a vein pop in his head and began screaming incoherent gibberish
"Uh-oh, Handsome Jack said a bad word" Supergirl said mockingly in a singsong voice, the Leaguers snickering, unaware that the Crimson Raiders were listening in on the scene and could barely contain their laughter
"yup, that's MY kind of girl" Roland said in amusement
"I'LL KILL YOU, YOU DUMB BITCH! YOU HEAR ME?" Handsome Jack screamed hysterically as Supergirl muted the ECHO
"that was very good, buttercup" Alex said, smiling ear to ear
"…and bingo, all bandits have vamoosed outta here" Green Arrow said proudly, having scared all the camping bandits away with Killer Croc's help
"Oh my, is that Claptrap I see? And… By Jove, it's… it's the Justice League! Thank heavens you've arrived. Please, please, come over to my establishment and I'll see what I can do about repairing Claptrap's eye and finding you a better location of climate"
/Sir Hammerlock said eloquently in his British accent as the Leaguers and Vault Hunters gently climbed down the mountain and made it safely to Sir Hammerlock's house
"a pleasure to meet you Leaguers and Vault Hunters, I am Sir Hammerlock, at your service" Sir Hammerlock said proudly, gesturing
"well hello there! I'm Hippolyta, this is my husband Harvey, and these are our kids" Hippolyta said sweetly
"so… where are we going?" Dinah asked
"you've got to reach Sanctuary; that's the home of the Crimson Raiders and the ONLY place you will truly be safe" Angel spoke through the ECHO
"ooh… but do we have to walk all the way over there? I'm only a little girl and… I'm afraid of flying" Kara said shyly, Alex hugging her close
"my baby sister has… she hit her head when she landed on Earth. She's really good in the brawns department, but… not very good in the brains" Alex explained as Kara sucked on her thumb
"I think she's cute" Maya commented
"well Claptrap, are we gonna get out of this freakin' snow cave or what?" Red Hood asked
"me and Captain Flynt made a deal a while back; I loot the dead, he promises not to torture me. Well, that. Ends. Today. Minions, we are going to take him out and steal back my ship to get us to Sanctuary" Claptrap explained
"ok then, lead the way" Nightwing said, as the heroes headed down the road to the Soaring Dragon
"hey… ow, these pretzels suck, how's your day been, assholes?" Handsome Jack asked from the ECHO
"Jack, listen to me very carefully. My little sister Kara is asleep now. And let me tell you a story: one time this asshole named Maxwell Lord snuck into her nursery and tried to kidnap her. Well, even for a little girl, Kara was still a powerhouse. So,
/she basically bit Max on the nose and scarred his face, which then caused him to blind himself with the mirror and fall out the window to his death. So, unless you want to see Kara when she's really angry and know what getting the crap kicked out
/of you by a 98 pound full-blooded Amazon feels like, then I suggest you shut your filthy worm-baited mouth and keep it shut and don't ever call us again. Oh by the way, we've taken your precious Butt Stallion a while back before we got here" Alexexplained
as Handsome Jack's face went beet red with rage
"Nananana! How do you like THOSE apples, bully?" Supergirl teased, blowing a raspberry as Handsome Jack smashed the ECHO with rage
"BLAKE! CONTACT THE FLESHRIPPERS, I WANT THOSE FREAKS KILLED. NOW!" Handsome Jack yelled
"…yup, she's MY kind of recruit" Roland said proudly, observing the Leaguers' antics
"Attention all bandits of Pandora; I'm offering a multimillion reward for whoever kills the costumed freaks on this planet. ESPECIALLY THE VERY, VERY ANNOYING BLONDE HAIRED BRAT IN THE SLUTTY OUTFIT. I WANT THOSE SO CALLED SUPERHEROES DEAD, YOU HEAR ME!
/I DON'T CARE IF THEY'RE GODS OR WHATEVER! ON PANDORA, I AM A GOD! I. WANT. THEM. DEAD" Handsome Jack roared maliciously over the ECHO
"…sorry to get your hopes up Jack, but, uh… we've arrived in Three Horns Divide and, the Fleshrippers are all dead, uh… we got all your weapons and money, oh and… my sisters have also hacked all your stupid ass Loaders and all that other Hyperion crap.
/Oh and you have a four day total until we get to you and give you a proper meeting, Justice League style. Oh by the way, your city name Opportunity? It. SUCKS. SKAG. BALLS" Robin said proudly, turning the ECHO off as Handsome Jack screamed angrilyat
the heavens above
"what the hell is that noise?" Captain Scarlett asked from her ship
"oh god… it cant be her… NO, WHADDYA WANT? YOU TOOK MY KIDS, WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED?" Piston asked fearfully in the Badass Crater of Badassitude
"OH MY SWEET JESUS, WHOEVER'S SCREAMING MUST BE HULK HOGAN STEPPING ON A LARGE ASS NAIL OR JUSTIN BIEBER BELTING OUT ANOTHER PATHETIC ALBUM" Mr. Torgue said loudly
"In the name of Darkseid, we DEMAND THAT YOU STOP" Desaad commanded angrily as Handsome Jack calmed down before finding a letter on his desk which read Dear Handsome Jack, roses are red, violets are blue, who's the ugliest in all of Pandora? DefinitelyYOU.
/Hahahahahaha. Signed, your BFF Kara
That did it. Handsome Jack started screaming even more, Darkseid rubbing his temples in annoyance
"THAT DOES IT!" Darkseid roared, using his Omega Beams to send the Helios moonshot satellite crashing down onto Opportunity, flattening everyone and everything
"uh Sir?" Mr. Blake asked nervously as his boss was having a world-class meltdown or temper tantrum that'd make Donald Trump looked like a sham. Jack angrily smashed his prized portraits of himself with an axe and tore everything apart in a fit of savage
"WHY… CANT… THEY… JUST… DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?" Handsome Jack roared, foam dripping from his mouth like he was on rabies, a'la Cujo
"uh… Sir? The Leaguers… they're… immortal" Blake whispered, then quickly ran for his life as Handsome Jack chased after him, laughing maniacally
"this is just so immature, seeing our CEO and President act like a total spoiled brat over costumed heroes" Vaughn said in disgust, he and the Main Board of Hyperion agreeing
"yes, then there's his list of death/hate threats directed at a Ms. Kara Prince" Tassiter continued
"awww… she's adorable. Look at that gorgeous smile" a female Hyperion executive cooed, everyone aweing
"all in favor of terminatingHandsome Jack as CEO and President of Hyperion, say aye?" Vaughn said
"aye" everyone said instantly
"good. Please escort him out of here" Vaughn said calmly as Hyperion commandos dragged a straitjacketed gibbering Handsome Jack away and sent him off to the Lynchwood Asylum for the Criminally Insane