Flash of Red and Black

Chapter XXXV

My mind went into a renewed frenzy in time with each tap of my sandals against the rooftops below.

And each pause in the maelstrom of my mind further reaffirmed that I had to get better. But how? If I didn't, I would be putting everyone at risk—not just Konoha, but the other Great Nations too. But where was I supposed to start? And could I even—No. No, I had to do it. I couldn't risk hurting everyone that we had worked so hard to save during the war! But I could feel heat draining from my hands and a cold sweat spreading on the back of my neck.

I was just thinking in circles, and while I knew it was only going to make things worse, I couldn't pull myself out of the downward spiral.

We were nearly home when Kakashi spoke up behind me, cutting through my tired and jumbled thoughts.

"Do you have a plan?"

My feet stopped and after a second's pause to collect myself, I turned around, giving him a cheeky grin while scratching my neck.

"Ah-ha… Not really?"

He just gave a silent nod, apparently expecting as much, and we continued on our way back, but he caught my had the moment we were inside, keeping me from going to collapse on the couch to think—though thinking itself was obviously causing more difficulties than remedies, but I had no idea what else to do since I was too wrapped up in my own mind.

"Let me help, Naruto," he said, looking at me earnestly. I stared at him for a while but then took a step forward and dropped my forehead onto his shoulder.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to say. Everything's so messed up," I told him quietly, and I felt his arms snake around my back, holding me loosely.

"What happened?" he asked, but I looked at him, confused.

"Whadd'ya mean?"

"When you saw the Sharingan, what happened?" he asked again, tightening his hold on me, and I squeezed him back as I paused to try to string together a sentence that made sense.

"I was scared. I don't want anyone else to get hurt or die. So many people have died because of me already, and I can't fix any of that. Everyone left behind will always be hurting because of me and I can't do anything about it and I can't get rid of that guilt either. But if there are still people continuing Orochimaru's experiments, no one will be safe. I panicked. I couldn't help thinking that no matter what I did, I wouldn't be able to protect anyone, that I would only get everyone killed. And it made me remember what happened in that cave. And no one else can go through that. I can't go through that again either…"

"Naruto…" he whispered. I knew that he wanted to tell me that it wasn't my fault, but he knew as well as anyone that those words would just feel empty to me. I wasn't the only one feeling guilty about things that "weren't my fault" after all.

We just stood there, silently holding each other for a long time until Kakashi pulled back and placed his hands on my cheeks, studying me.

"How about Sakura?" he asked, and again I cocked my head to the side, confused about what he was asking. "Ask her to come here so that you can talk to her, like with Ino," he explained, but I felt panic quickly expand in my gut.

"I'll just ask Ino again. She already knows some things anyway. That'll help. But first, how about some lunch, huh? I'm starving," I said, giving him a smile as I retreated from the conversation and into the kitchen.

We both knew what I was doing, but I could tell from the look on his face that Kakashi was at a loss as to why I was panicking, dodging the subject. It didn't make sense for me to panic so much at the thought of seeing Sakura. She was my childhood crush. My teammate. My friend. One of my most precious people

"Alright. Let's meet up with Ino after we eat," he said, and I could feel his eyes trained on my every move as he summoned Pakkun to let Ino know before following me into the kitchen.

My stomach felt like ice, but I forced down lunch as normally as I could manage anyway and then we headed over to Choji's place—discreetly, of course, since we weren't supposed to be in the village yet.

"Hey! How are you guys?" Ino asked, giving us both a smile once she let us in. While she wasn't staying with her parents anymore, she still had an apartment in the middle of town, so it was easier to get to Choji's place on the edge of the village without being noticed by anyone.

"Alright, how about you?" I replied, returning her smile as Kakashi gave her a nod, and I saw the two silently exchange a look that probably had to do with my condition, but it was over before I could decipher it myself. Then Ino looked me over, humming in response to my question before telling us to follow her to the back of the guest house where we wouldn't be disturbed.

"So, how are you really?" she asked once we were situated on some cushions, and something about the look she was giving me made it hard to keep eye contact. So I sighed and looked away to the wall behind her instead.

"You were at that meeting, and you saw me on our way back. I have to get better," I managed eventually, looking at her again.

"Healing the mind isn't as easy as the body, you know," she said gently, and I nodded.

"I know. But either way, I have to. I can't keep putting people in danger like that," I said, clenching my fists so hard that my knuckles started to turn white. I couldn't look at either of them again, but I saw Kakashi nod from the corner of my vision after a minute, and Ino spoke up soon after.

"Alright. Where do you want to start?"

"No idea," I told her honestly, shrugging my shoulders.

"Then how about we start from last time?" she asked, and I nodded. "Have you been trying to rely on people more?"

"I did with Iruka-sensei some like I told you… but nothing other than that, really," I said. Training my body was definitely easier.

"That's alright. How did you feel after talking to him?"

"It was okay. Like maybe relying on everyone a little wouldn't be so bad."

"Do you still feel like that?"

"I don't know," I said, glancing away again. After this last mission, I just wanted to clam up, but I had to get better. "I just know that I can't get better on my own."

"Do you think you can talk to Iruka-sensei more?"

"I don't want to worry him," I replied immediately before staring down at my hands. It felt like I wasn't getting anywhere.

"Is there anyone you can talk to without being afraid of worrying them?"

"You. Kakashi. Probably Shikamaru too," I said, listing them off, but it seemed wrong to have such a short list.

"What about Sakura?"

"I can't," I replied immediately and watched as Ino and Kakashi exchanged a glance.

"Do you know why you can rely on us and Shikamaru but not Sakura?" she asked, and I frowned, staring at my hands again as I traced the lines in my palm.

"You're a med-nin, and you have you clan jutsu that involve the mind, so you understand how it works. And you're a friend. Kakashi's Kakashi. Shikamaru probably knows everything anyway," I said, pausing a while longer before answering the other part of the question. "Sakura's a med-nin too and a friend, but she's a teammate."

Ino cocked her head a little, and I could feel Kakashi watching me carefully.

"What do you mean?"

"I…We—" I cut myself off with a sigh, not knowing what to say as I dropped my face into my hands. The room stayed quiet for a long time as I tried to fit my muddled thoughts together. I didn't know how to say it in a way that made sense, at least not without rambling.

I sighed again and looked up to see Ino's eyes still trained on me.

"I can't give a simple answer."

"Then give a complicated one if it's something you need to talk about," she said calmly, and after a while, I nodded, though I felt my shoulders hunch over more.

"We keep things from each other. I never told her about Kurama even though I knew about him because I was scared. She found out, of course, but I still never told her. And when I let Kurama take over once before the war and hurt her because of it, she lied about her injury and what had happened because she didn't want to make me feel bad. Those sort of things happen over and over again between us. Always. We're so—so wrapped up in trying to protect each other that we can't ever say anything. Even the few times when one of us does break the balance we've created, it's still only for the sake of protecting one another, like when she lied and said that she had feelings for me to keep me to try to keep me from going after Sasuke anymore. Telling me her feelings, real or not, should have broken that balance, but because she was doing it to protect me and because I was going to continue going after Sasuke and continue protecting her and the team no matter what she said, nothing changed.

"I know that she's worried. And I know that she's upset with me for not telling her things, but it seems like everything I've been avoiding telling her just keeps growing and growing and I just can't handle saying any of it to her. I feel like if I were to say it all now, it would be so, so much worse than if I had just been telling her all along. And if it was too hard to tell her then, how the hell am I supposed to tell her now?" I asked, looking back up at Ino, hoping for an answer despite knowing that she wouldn't have one. So then I looked to Kakashi, wanting to be held by him, but at the same time I was too upset with myself to reach out to him.

"She's the closest thing that I have to a sibling now. She's like a sister. Team seven was the first family I had. But now… But now! Because of me! It's all messed up! I couldn't save him and now it's all broken because of me. And I know. I know that she'd say that it's not my fault, but it is! I wanted us all to be together again so badly, but I couldn't do it. I wasn't as strong as Itachi. He already had a brother—a really, really strong brother, so he didn't need me. And because I wasn't strong enough, I couldn't make him come back. I couldn't protect either of them. I couldn't protect the two people I most wanted to.

"But how am I supposed to tell her that? I can't ask for forgiveness. It was my fault that we lost him. And to apologize now instead of back then… I just can't. I know that it only gets worse by dragging it out, but she doesn't need this on her. She's done so much and has cleaned up after my failures enough. She doesn't have to carry my guilt too. I can't ask that from her. I should have protected her better," I finally finished with white knuckles and a cracking voice.

I hated it. I hated myself for it. But somehow saying it made me feel slightly better, but I couldn't make eye contact with them. So after sitting in the silence for a while, I sighed and felt my shoulders hunch over more as my body relaxed again. Talking was exhausting, but then I felt a small, warm set of hands on mine, and I looked up to see Ino right in front of me.

"I know that you care about her, Naruto. She knows that too, and I'm glad you care that much since she's like a sister to me too. But you can't protect her from everything, no matter how much we all know that you want to. So isn't it better to grieve together than to leave her grieving on her own while also worrying about you?" she asked, looking at me earnestly, and somehow the combination of the look that she was giving me and the warmth of her hands made me realize that she was right.

It was only hurting her more, much more, to not talk to her, to try to protect her when she knows that things aren't okay, than to actually talk to her.

I nodded slowly before biting my lip and looking down at my hands again.

"I'll try to talk to her," I said quietly, and then Ino gave my hands a small squeeze before sitting back again.

I was terrified, honestly (and not just of Sakura's fists). I still absolutely did not want to do this, but I knew that I had to. I didn't want to hurt her. I had been trying to protect her to keep her from getting hurt, not to make it all worse. And I didn't want to keep pushing everyone away, so I would figure out a way to talk to her once I'd gotten some rest. I knew that I wouldn't be able to handle talking to her if I didn't at least have some decent shut-eye first.

oOo

I could see myself below, through a fog so thick that felt like it was suffocating my small body. Everything felt wrong. I could tell that the skin between my wounds was covered in goosebumps as I anticipated… something. In the distance, the me that was wrapped in fog snapped his head around, apparently seeing some shadow in the mist, and a shrill scream tore itself from his lips as he ran deeper into the dense fog and a single name echoed, more deafening each time it sounded.

"SASU—" I shouted, sitting up so fast that I nearly got whiplash and choking on my own scream as I reached for the kunai on my nightstand, but the cold sweat that drenched me pulled me out of my nightmare. I collapsed back against my pillow, trying to relax again and stop my body from trembling.

But suddenly, I felt someone's hand in my hair, and I jumped, reflexively flinching away and I nearly pulled my kunai again until I heard a familiar voice cut through the haze of my sleep.

"Breathe, Naruto," I heard Kakashi's voice, hoarse from sleep, call.

My body automatically slackened and I buried myself closer to him as if his warmth could burn away the nightmare from my mind. Big, warm hands ran through my hair in spite of it being was slicked with sweat.

"It's okay. You're safe. We're all safe. It was just a dream," Kakashi mumbled quietly. I felt the words rumbling in his chest as he spoke and I focused on matching my breathing to his while listening to his heartbeat. It was definitely soothing, but my body continued shivering.

I hated having nightmares. I hated them so much. They always left me in a useless mess, nauseated, sniffling, shivering, while clinging to Kakashi like he was the key to maintaining my grip on reality, on my sanity. Of course, that wasn't far from the truth, and that just made me hate them all the more.

"Shh… It's okay. Breathe, Naruto," the warm man next to me hushed. Then I realized that I was sobbing into his chest, disgusted with my own mind and ashamed of my weakness.

"It all hurts so much," I sobbed, before I could think. It was just that everything was overwhelming me, making it feel like the life was getting sucked out of me. But as soon as the words were out of my mouth, I froze and my tears stopped with fear. For a second, Kakashi tensed too, but before I could panic and run away, his arms were almost crushing me with how tightly he held me and his face burrowed into my hair.

"Please, let me help," Kakashi murmured into my hair.

Again, tears started falling from my eyes. Hearing him beg me so quietly just felt like another dagger in my chest. I hated hurting everyone so much, but I really had no idea how to stop. It was just terrifying, but that only made the pain worse.

"How? I choked out, coughing once the word escaped from my raw throat. I was desperate.

"Tell me everything," he whispered, and I could hear the withheld tears in his voice.

And that was the last dagger to my heart that made me spill everything I could. I couldn't stand hearing him like that.

"I'm so scared of everything! I don't want to hurt anyone. I didn't want to kill him. I didn't want to lose Tenten. I hated making Lee make that face. And what about Konohamaru and Moegi and Udon!? They've already lost Ebisu because of me. Why did they have to take Tenten too? I'm just putting everyone in danger! What if I fail again? What if I can't protect everyone? I can't stand losing everyone. I finally have bonds with the people around me, but what if I can't keep them safe? I can't go back to being alone again! Every time someone gets hurt, I feel like I'm getting ripped apart. I can't do it! I've lost so many precious people already. I've been too weak to protect them. I thought that having people around that I cared about and wanted to protect would make me stronger! But I just can't! I thought that with Orochimaru gone, we'd have a chance of making everyone safer, of making a true peace, but I can't see the end anymore! All the nations are surrounded by missing-nin who are after me! And what if they get me! I can't go back into those caves. I can't do it! It was so horrible, Kakashi! I wanted to die! I nearly gave up! I just couldn't do it. It hurt so fucking badly! Even Kurama was nearly torn apart by it! I'm putting every person in every nation in danger, and there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it! I especially can't do anything with my head like it is! I know that I'm a wreck. But I'm so scared and I don't know how to stop! I'm just so useless."

I just sobbed, rambling in circles.

Kakashi continued holding me tightly, his own shirt now soaked through with the sweat from my earlier nightmare, but he either didn't notice or didn't care. The heat that was soaking through his shirt and into my skin felt like it would burning me, but I refused to let go as I shivered in his arms. I couldn't think of anything anymore, but I just kept crying, no matter how tired of it I was. I felt like I was being suffocated by despair.

After a while, I heard Kakashi trying to say something, but I couldn't make sense of his hazy, garbled words above my sobs and my own mind. Then I felt my hair moving and the bed fall away from me. I shuddered against the cold air and wind that replaced it, but the cold did nothing to cool my pulsing head. It felt like my skull was getting split in two, and I groaned between cries as my stomach churned. My body felt like it was being jerked around and everything was blurry, tears still escaping my eyes and falling somewhere unknown.

Loud banging rang from somewhere nearby, and felt a hard icy surface below my bare feet. I flinched away from the sound and trembled uncontrollably from the cold. Suddenly, it was bright and against I groaned between cries, unable to muster up the energy to move and block out the blinding light that only made my head pulse and stomach ached even more.

Something soft appeared below me, but my body still shook with cries and cold, but my hand stayed warm and a sudden soothing feeling appeared, spreading from my forehead to calm my pounding head. Slowly my vision cleared slightly, though still blurry with tears, but I saw a green glow coming from the top of my vision and silver and pink floating on one side of me, but then my body started feeling very heavy and my vision faded to black.

So sorry for the ridiculously long wait! My semester in England, while amazing, was also so ridiculous and stressful, so I just couldn't write until I got back. (Well, I wrote this on the plane on the way back.)

Hopefully I'll be able to get back to writing more regularly now that the chapter is over. But thank you all so much for sticking with this story for so long and I really hope that you enjoyed this chapter! Have a fantastic day!