I woke up to the smell of coffee being brewed. I stretched languidly in bed, groaning against the chill in the air as the comforter shifted, leaving me uncovered. Reluctantly, I pulled myself out of bed, not looking forward to this day at all.

It wasn't just leaving Sean that had me dreading getting out of bed; there were other things: the five hour drive back up to school; not only having to fight for a nearby parking space once I got to school, but unloading my car and hauling everything to my dorm room; finding time to get the last of my books for the semester; readjusting to dorm life. Though I'd been living with Sean for just over a week, I had grown accustomed to just being there with him, able to lean over and hug or kiss him whenever I wanted, not to mention having a private bathroom, a bed that was gloriously comfortable, all kinds of comforts that I simply wouldn't have once I returned to school. I could easily admit that Sean had definitely spoiled me.

On top of all that, I would be leaving home with things still left uncertain between my father and me. I missed him, missed my mom, just missed being at home (though I was more than happy with my new living arrangements). I didn't know if I should just let him be to work it all out for himself or what I was supposed to do. I just knew that I hated this rift that had been wedged between us.

I must have been lost in my own head as I was getting dressed because I jumped a mile when Sean came up behind me and pulled me backwards into his chest, enfolding me in his arms.

My reaction must have startled him, too. "You okay?" he asked with concern.

"Fine," I answered. "Just thinking."

"One of the many things you're good at." He regarded me a moment. Apparently I was an open book for him to read. "Everything's going to be fine, Morgan," he said soothingly. "I know there's a lot that's up in the air right now, but it'll all work itself out. You'll see." He punctuated his proclamation with a swift kiss. "Now come on. Let's get you breakfast before we pack everything in your car."

Much sooner than I would have liked, we were fitting the last of my belongings into my car. When I turned to look at him, everything around me had gone blurry. I didn't even realize I'd started crying.

"Baby girl," he crooned as he pulled me into his arms. "It's okay. We've only got a couple weeks until you've got a long weekend again, and I'm always just a phone call away." He pressed a kiss to my forehead and hugged me tighter.

I sniffled against him. "Doesn't make it suck any less, though," I mumbled into his sweater.

His laugh rumbled through his chest and against my cheek. "I know, sweetheart." He placed his hands on my shoulders and pushed me back gently, then cupped my face in his hands, wiping my tears away with the pads of his thumbs. "Come on, Morgan, you're breaking my heart here. I can't let you go and drive with you crying like this."

I took a tiny step back and furiously wiped at my tears, only to have more stream down my cheeks to replace them. It took me a minute before I was able to control my shaky breaths and calm down enough to speak again. "I'm just going to miss you so much."

Sean tucked a lock of my hair behind my ear. "I know sweetheart. I'll miss you, too, so much. Just remember it's not forever, just a couple weeks at a time." He kissed me sweetly and pressed his forehead to mine. "We'll talk or Skype or Facetime or whatever you want, every day." Another soft kiss. "And once you get going with your classes and stuff, it'll go by so quick, you won't even notice I'm not there."

"I doubt that," I said, trying to smile, then breathing deep to keep myself from crying yet again. He was right, though. I knew we'd be okay – that I'd be okay. We knew this was coming and it would suck, but we'd make it. I took one more slow breath, fighting the anxiety from rising any further, and met his eyes. He wore a sad smile, and maybe it was my eyes playing tricks on me, but I could have sworn he was tearing up (in a totally manly way, of course). I swallowed hard and nodded, "Okay." My voice was still shaky, so I cleared my throat and tried again. "Okay," I said, feeling more confident now. "I'll call when I get up there."

"I'll be waiting for you," he promised.

I stepped forward and into his arms again, wrapping mine around his waist. "I love you."

"I love you, too, Morgan." We stepped away from each other, both reluctant to separate. "Drive safely, okay?"

"I will." Not able to hold back, I leaned in for one last kiss, which he returned fervently. It wasn't as passionate as some we had shared, and it certainly didn't feel like goodbye. It was a promise, full of hope and trust and longing, all wrapped up in one beautiful kiss. We parted for the last time, no more tears shed between the two of us, and I got into my car. "See ya," I whispered, refusing to call this a goodbye.

Sean's lips curled in a half-grin. "See ya," he returned, catching onto my intent, and closed my door for me. He stood back but stayed in the driveway as I started the car and backed into the street.

The next five hours were the longest five hours of my life.

I called Sean the moment I parked my car. We didn't talk long since I needed to grab lunch and start unloading and unpacking, and he needed to get back to writing, but it was good to hear his voice again. After hanging up with him, I dialed my home number.

"Hello?"

The voice on the other end took me completely by surprise. I had called expecting my mom to answer. Apparently dad had gotten to the phone first. "Hi, dad," I said timidly.

There was a moment of silence before he spoke again, "Morgan."

Oh, this was just going splendidly so far. "I just wanted to let you guys know I made it up to school okay."

"Oh. Well...I'm...glad you're alright." I could almost hear his mind trying to come up with something else to say. "You wanna talk to your mom?"

I bit back my sigh. He still wasn't ready to talk, I guess. "No, that's okay. I've gotta start getting my stuff set up in my dorm room again." I swallowed nervously and added, "It was good to talk to you again."

Another moment before, "You, too. Take care, Morgan."

"Bye, dad." I just barely got the words out when I heard the phone click in my ear, indicating he'd already hung up.

So, it wasn't exactly a heart-warming conversation, but at least it was something, right? Baby steps.

I sighed heavily and shoved my car door open and crawled out. I stretched my back and legs out before moving to the trunk and pulling out the first load of things to be returned to my room. When I opened the door and switched on the light, taking a quick glance around, I was a little disappointed that my roommate, Hailey, hadn't returned yet. She and I had become good friends, though we had hardly talked over winter break. I was excited at the prospect of having someone to share what had happened over break with. Resigning to the task at hand, I made the several trips necessary to bring all of my things in from my car. Once my car was unpacked, I walked to the caf to grab a quick lunch. Back in my room, I turned on my iPod player, quickly ate, and got to work setting my room up again.

Once I'd made my bed and had most of my belongings put where I wanted them, I opened my suitcases and started putting all of my clothes where they belonged in my closet and drawers. I reached the bottom of the first suitcase and found an oblong box wrapped in white tissue paper.

Completely baffled as to what was inside it, I carefully tore into the paper, then cut through the tape on the cardboard box. At first, all I found was more tissue paper filling the inside, but the weight of the box in my hands told me that couldn't be accurate. When I finally found what was hidden inside, all I could do was throw my head back and laugh.

There in my hand was a perfect replica of Sean's Jimmy Johnson, as he so often called it, an opaque, off-white color and complete with a knob to activate the vibrating bullet inside.

I was, of course, more than grateful that Hailey hadn't arrived yet.

Without any further delay, I stored my...gift...in the back of my underwear drawer and picked up the phone.

"Hello?" he answered, and by the tone of his voice, I knew he knew I'd found his surprise.

"You are...you are so..." I couldn't get the words out. "I can't believe you," I finally finished, shaking my head.

He snorted a laugh, "What? Don't you like it?"

How the hell was I supposed to answer that? "Sean," I began, sighing in exasperation. "Yes, I like it," I muttered, "but it's not like I can use it. At least, not anytime soon."

"I was gonna ask if you used it before calling me. Why can't you?" He sounded incredibly hurt.

I smiled into the receiver, "Baby, I want to, believe me, but I've got a roommate. I don't exactly want her in the room while I'm doing...that."

He was quiet for a half a minute. "I get it. You don't want her getting jealous, huh?"

His joke had me laughing right out loud. "Yeah. That's it exactly."

"Well," he said, "She's gotta leave the room sometime." He was quiet again then added in a low, rugged voice, "Maybe I'll just have to come up there and use it on you."

I hummed approvingly, "Yeah, but I'd rather have the real thing."

"You sure? I don't vibrate."

"True," I agreed, "but I don't have to replace your batteries."

It was his turn to laugh now. "Alright, sweetheart. I need to get back to work, and don't you need to get books for tomorrow?"

"Yes," I grumbled, not wanting to end our conversation just yet. I debated mentioning that I had briefly spoken with my father, but decided against it. Another time. "Okay. I'll talk to you later?"

"Wild horses," he replied. "Oh, and Morgan? You may not want to use your new favorite toy even if the lights are out."

Alright, now he had me worried. "Why...?" I asked slowly.

"Is your roommate there now?"

"No."

"Go ahead and get it out and turn off the lights."

I did as he asked. "OH MY GOD, SEAN!" Sitting in my hand, appearing to float in midair, was Sean's penis, glowing faintly in the dark. "Are you kidding me?"

He was laughing boisterously in my ear. "Have fun, sweetheart. Love you."

"Love you, too," I said as I flipped the lights back on and stowed away the vibrator. I don't think I could have rolled my eyes back any further in my head if I tried. "Bye, baby."

Shortly after I had hung up the phone, Hailey made her grand entrance into our room. She dropped her armful of bags and her laundry basket on her bed and we both squealed and hugged each other. Since I had already finished unpacking, I offered to help Hailey, which she gladly accepted. Once the room was pretty much back to the way it looked before winter break, we headed to the madness of the bookstore.

We waited together in the seemingly unending line to check out, still catching up on what had happened over break. I hadn't found out a way to work Sean into the conversation just yet, and I became quiet as I tried to think of a subtle way to bring it up.

Hailey picked up on my distracted silence and attempted to get the conversation going again. "So, Tyler asked about you over break," she began.

I closed my eyes, rather than rolled them, clenched my jaw and inhaled deeply through my nose. "Oh yeah?" I asked. "What did he want?" I wasn't sure why my voice was so full of anger. I wasn't all that mad at Tyler for how our relationship ended – I dumped him after all – and I was with Sean now, so Tyler wasn't even a blip on my radar. Still, something in me was definitely not looking forward to talking with or about him any time soon.

"He was just asking if you were seeing anyone. He sounded miserable...pathetic, really. Kinda like he misses you." Hailey sneaked a lance my way, but I was looking right back at her, so there wasn't really anything all that sneaky about it. Her eyes darted straight ahead again. "I told him I was pretty sure you were still single."

'Swell,' I thought to myself. "Yeah...not so much, actually." I grinned at Hailey's expression as we took a half-step forward in line. My face flushed when she turned to face me, her expression one of shock.

"What?!" she shrieked, gaining the attention of the others standing in line. Hailey at least had the decency to lower her voice when she continued. "Who? Spill. Now."

I couldn't help but giggle a little. "You don't know him. He's from back home. We got together a couple days after I got home," I explained. She fixed me with a look – one that told me I wasn't done talking yet. I sighed and continued. "His name's Sean. He's super sweet and funny and he's a complete gentleman one minute and a twelve year old boy the next. He makes me really happy."

Hailey looked at me, her expression now thoughtful. "Well, that's the important thing. You certainly seem a lot happier than when...than before."

Although she'd cut herself off, I knew what she'd meant: happier than when I was with Tyler, and she was absolutely right. While Tyler and I certainly made sense on proverbial paper, I never really felt anything with him.

"So how'd you guys meet?"

I should have known this was coming, should have had something prepared, but I didn't, so now I hoped that I could explain this so it didn't come across poorly. I really didn't need a repeat of what had happened when dad had found out. "He's...an old friend. I guess you could say I met him through my parents."

"Alright," she nodded. "Do I get to see a picture of him?" I grinned and shifted my books to one arm so I could dig my phone out of my pants pocket. I had taken a selfie of us together and made it my background image on my phone. I held it out for her to see. "Wow, Morgan. He's cute but he's..." she trailed off, as if she were chasing down how to put words to her thoughts. "I just expected someone younger. A lot younger. I just...how old is he?"

I looked down at our smiling faces on my phone and grinned a little before replacing it in my pocket. "Forty-five," I said softly.

"Jesus, Morgan! He's older than my dad!" she exclaimed, once again drawing the attention to just about everyone in the bookstore.

"Shh! Will you keep it down?" I whispered forcefully. "Yes, I know he's a lot older," I explained when I had gained some semblance of control over my voice. "My mom and dad are almost ten years apart."

Hailey rolled her eyes, "So what? He's, what, twenty-seven years older than you? How can you even...ugh," she made a face and dramatically performed a full-body shiver. "No way could I date someone that much older than me." She was quiet for a moment before going on with her line of questioning. "Does...does everything even still work?"

"Hailey!" It was my turn to shout. I immediately dropped my voice to a more acceptable volume and tried again. "Will you stop? Can we talk about this where we aren't surrounded by all these people?"

"Suit yourself," she shrugged and took another half-step forward as the rest of the line moved up. We didn't talk much the rest of the time we spend in the bookstore, and that was honestly just fine with me. Every so often we'd see a friend that would stop by and say hello, and we'd discuss our new schedules for the semester, exchanging stories we'd heard about the different professors we'd be learning from. Once we left the store, we stopped at the cafeteria and got a couple sandwiches to go and returned to our room.

The moment the door was closed, Hailey dropped her bag of books on the floor near her bed, crossed her arms angrily and demanded, "Talk."

I sighed and set by own bag down and sat cross-legged on my bed and opened up my sandwich. It felt weird doing the whole "kiss-and-tell" thing, but I knew there'd be no escaping her (or living with her) until she knew the details. "Okay. You may not know this, but I don't have a ton of experience with guys."

"No," she said sarcastically. She sat on her bed and started digging in to her own sandwich.

I raised an eyebrow at her. "Do you want to hear this or not?" I warned. She grumbled something I couldn't quite make out, and I continued. "A couple weeks before school started, I told Sean how nervous I was about all the non-school parts of college...about dealing with parties and, well, boys, how I didn't really have that much of a social life in high school, and how I was nervous about what to...do. Long story short, he kissed me...like he was teaching me what to do. It was so good, Hailey. I know I don't have anything to compare it to, but I mean...my toes literally curled.

"So once I started dating Tyler, things were...okay. He was always nice and everything, but...I don't know. Something felt off. Then Tyler kept pushing to go further, and I wasn't really ready to. I liked him." Hailey gave me a half-skeptical look in between bites. "I did," I insisted. "I just...I think I knew something was missing. Then I thought, 'Maybe I'm what's missing.'"

Hailey stopped me there. "How could you be missing? You were half of a couple."

I nodded, "I know. I don't think I'm explaining it right. It's like, I wasn't putting all I had into it. I just wasn't...present. Whether I wasn't ready or I was going out with him just to have a boyfriend or...whatever. I just kept thinking and comparing everything to how it felt when I was with Sean, even if it was only for those couple minutes. I don't know, but something was holding me back. Then Tyler started pulling away, and I knew it was because of me, and that wasn't fair. He was always nice to me, and he deserved a fair shot. Something, I don't know what, but something made me realize that if I didn't do something, take a big step to show him I really was into him, that I'd lose him. I didn't want that, not at all. I felt I owed him more, more of a chance. After being so patient with me and my inexperience, he deserved it, you know?"

"Morgan," Hailey said in a low voice, "You didn't sleep with Tyler did you? After just kissing for...however many weeks?"

"No, no, no!" I corrected her and saw her relax in relief. "I definitely wasn't ready for that. Besides, that wasn't what he was...hinting at." Hailey looked at me quizzically again, so I explained. "When we'd be making out, he'd try putting my hand on his crotch. When I eventually...went along with that, he'd try..." I breathed in deep. "He'd start to push my head down. Well, he tried to. I told him I just couldn't, that I wasn't ready, and he'd back off, but after a handful of times, I noticed we wouldn't make out as much, we wouldn't cuddle, nothing. He was still good to me, but the physical side of our relationship was hardly there anymore. I felt like I was letting him down, disappointing him, and I didn't like that feeling. So I decided I wanted to make it up to him, make it really good when I actually...did what he wanted."

"I thought this was about Sean and you," she said, her voice a mixture of confusion and annoyance.

"I'm getting there," I told her. "Like I said, I wanted it to be good for him. You remember I asked you for...help?" Hailey nodded. "Well, you weren't the only one. You gave me the mechanics, the how-to, but I wanted a...trial run first."

Hailey sat quiet for a minute before her eyes widened. "Oh, my God, Morgan, you didn't."

I felt my face flush bright red and nodded. "I called Sean and asked for a practice session over four-day break." I fought back a grin as memories of that night came to the forefront of my mind.

Hailey took advantage of my momentary silence. "So, you cheated on Tyler."

I frowned and shook my head, "No. Well, I guess...technically yes, but it was for him." I held my head in my hands and let out a frustrated sigh. "This is coming out all wrong again." I looked back up at her. "It was like...using a study guide to get ready for a test. I wanted to make sure I could be as good as I could be for Tyler. He was already starting to give up on me; I could feel us drifting."

"It still sounds like cheating, Morgan." I started to defend myself, but Hailey pressed on. "Couldn't you have asked Tyler to teach you? Find out what he wanted? I mean, you two were together for well over a month. I think you owed him that, at least instead of asking some other guy."

I felt myself shrink internally. "I know, and I could have...probably should have. I just...how would that have sounded? 'Hey, Tyler, I know I've been saying know for the past couple weeks, but I'm ready now, even though I really don't know what I'm doing. So, you're still going to have to be really patient while I learn?"

"Either way, he's getting his dick sucked. I don't think he would have minded." Hailey's brashness caused me to blush again. "Plus, don't you think he found it a little odd that you went from never having touched him to being a pro at giving a blow job?"

I had never thought of that. It felt like ice water had been poured down my spine; my stomach started churning uneasily on itself. I stared down at my hands in my lap and picked at my fingernails. God, I really was a terrible person. 'No,' I told myself. I might have done wrong by Tyler, but I did what I thought I needed to do to be good for him. And now I was deliriously happy with Sean, so while I might not have given Tyler a decent shot in the long run, I had done what was best for me.

It was a long moment before either of us spoke again. "So, did it help?" Hailey brought me back to the present. She answered my curious expression, "With Tyler. Did he...enjoy what Sean taught you?"

"Well, he didn't complain," I answered, "but things were definitely...different than with Sean."

"You mean, Tyler didn't need to take a little blue pill?"

"Hailey!" I admonished her. "Sean has no problems in that department. None." I said adamantly. Hailey gave me a skeptical and almost bored look. I took a second to compose myself, trying not to let her get to me. "No. With Tyler...it was just about him getting off. I had told him I'd have a surprise for him after four-day and I guess he figured it out real quick once I was in his room. There was no warm-up, hardly even any kissing. He knew he was getting a blow job and that was all he cared about. Then once he was done...that was it. Hardly even a thank you. He walked me out of his building, that's about it. Wouldn't even kiss me goodbye." Hailey looked almost...apathetic, which I certainly hadn't expected. I waited for some kind of comment, but got none, so I continued.

"But with Sean, he...he made it just as good for me as it was for him. There was no rush to it. We got to...explore each other."

Hailey's voice was somewhere between shocked and disgusted. "You let him eat you out?"

I shook my head. "That's the thing. He used his hand, but it was so good. I'd never...never came before."

Hailey's eyebrows shot up at that. "Are you telling me you went from never having kissed a guy, never even touched yourself, to letting some old guy finger you and then you went down on him?"

"Dammit, Hailey!" I was getting angry and my voice was rising with my temper. "Stop it! He's not just some old guy. I love him. I'm going to marry him." Shit. I hadn't meant for that to come out just yet.

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" she shrieked. "Morgan that's...ew, that's so gross, just imagining it." She looked at my left hand and her face was suddenly a little less tense. "You're not really getting married, right? This is like...like in Ferris Bueller and the girl at the end is all, 'I'm gonna marry him,' right?

I shook my head, words completely failing me. I knew this would be a shock to some people, but I never thought anyone would react quite like this. Yes, my relationship with Sean was very unconventional, but it wasn't disgusting like Hailey was making it out to be...was it?

"You didn't sleep with him, did you?" she demanded. "I mean, you were with Tyler until the beginning of December. Tell me you didn't jump into bed with him within a matter of weeks." I bit my lip and blushed in response, though I knew I didn't have anything to be embarrassed about. Her lip curled into a sneer. "Oh, my god." Even with my head hanging low, I could feel her judgmental stare falling on me.

"And what do your parents think of you sleeping with one of their friends?"

"Mom was actually pretty okay about it. She wasn't thrilled, but she trusts us. Dad, well, he..." I took a breath to try to stave off the tears pricking my eyes. Almost two weeks later and it still hurt this much to think about it. "Dad punched Sean, broke his nose. I had to reset it. He...he kicked me out."

"Holy shit," she replied, showing an ounce of sympathy for the first time since I started filling her in on the details of my love life. "I mean, I don't blame him for punching Sean, but kicking you out? I thought he'd just drag you back home and keep you under lock and key."

Well, so much for sympathy.

"Please at least tell me you were careful."

I lifted one shoulder. "Most of the time."

Hailey stood up at that and started pacing. "Jesus, Morgan! I thought you were smarter than this. What if you got pregnant? Your life would be over. What the hell would you do? Your dad kicked you out...you can't raise a baby on your own."

Another chill ran down my spine. God, what if I was pregnant? We were usually careful, always at Sean's insistence, except for two...three times. My pules quickened and a cold sweat started forming on my forehead and the back of my neck when I realized that technically, I could be pregnant already and wouldn't even know it.

I feebly fought back, "Sean wouldn't..."

"Does Sean even want kids? I mean, if he's forty-five now, and you guys have a kid, he'll be sixty-three when the kid graduates high school. Have any more later on and you'll be buying diapers for both of them. And that's assuming he actually marries you. Are you telling me he proposed, but didn't get you a ring? Yeah, this sounds like he's real invested in this relationship." She brought her fingers up to make quotation marks in the air. "Probably doesn't want any actual evidence that he's with you because he knows how awful it is. Face it Morgan. He's using you, stringing you along, thinking he's such a stud, nailing a barely legal college girl. He's telling you what you want to hear to keep you coming back for more. I mean look at him. Did he know you were already with Tyler when you went down on him? Did he say anything about 'Maybe we're moving too fast' when you first had sex? And now he's got you living with him, totally okay with you alienating yourself from your parents...for someone more than twice your age? Got you all tucked away so he can fuck you any time he wants. Yeah, he sounds fucking perfect. I can't believe he sweet talked you into believing his line of bullshit."

"Hailey, enough!" I shouted, standing up to meet her. "You don't know what you're talking about. You only see a tiny glimpse of what we have. If you knew..."

"What I know," she interrupted, "is that he's just this side of committing statutory rape. God, what if he's been perving after you for who knows how long and jumped at the first chance he got once you hit eighteen so he won't have to worry about going to jail?"

"Shut up, Hailey!"

She a menacing grin crossed her face. "You can't even come up with a way to explain anything. You know I'm right. You're sick in the head for even thinking about asking someone who could easily be your uncle...your father...to do all this shit with you, and you're just a cheating bitch who's only in it for herself. You make me sick..."

My hand flew out without my even thinking about it. I didn't realize I'd slapped her until my palm was stinging and her shocked expression was staring back at me.

"Fuck you," she spat out. "Oh wait, I guess I'm not old enough to," she shot over her shoulder as she stormed out. "I'm going to housing and getting the fuck out of here. I don't want to be here when you bring...who knows what else into your bed." She let the door slam behind her.

I stood in the middle of the room until my knees gave out from under me and I collapsed in a heap on the floor. I pulled my arms around my calves and dropped my head onto my knees. I wasn't sure when the crying started, or when it would ever end.