Summer of Learning – Chapter 17

I really am trying to get back into my writing. I'm so very sorry this has taken so long to update. Hopefully now that I'm getting better at kicking my rear in gear, updates will be more frequent.

Thanks to BethieBee, getkath, cemmia, foreverwishing, SPF Fan and MamaDCB for your wonderful comments.

I wasn't sure how long I'd been sitting on the floor and crying, only that it was long enough that both of my legs were dead asleep from hips to toes. I lifted myself to sit on my bed and waited for the blood to return feeling to my legs, hissing at the pins and needles sensation. As I waited to feel like it was safe to move without falling over, I looked around the room and realized that sooner or later, Hailey would be returning to move all her things to her new room, and I certainly didn't want to be around for that.

I bundled up in my coat, grabbed my phone and stuffed it into my pocket as a last minute thought. I ended up wandering around campus, doing my best to avoid eye contact with anyone else out walking around. I followed my feet and ended up wandering off campus until I found a tiny coffee shop. I didn't really want to be on school grounds if I could help it. I could just imagine friends greeting each other at the student center, catching up over greasy food and games of pool, sharing with each other what they'd done over winter break. It was a decently small campus, so chances were the rumor mill was already working on what Hailey would tell them about my relationship with Sean, and that was something I'd rather avoid as long as possible.

I ordered a coffee and a chocolate chip muffin and secluded myself into a corner booth. I tore off little pieces to eat, but couldn't taste anything that landed on my tongue; every bite I swallowed sank like lead in my stomach. Before my nerves started to get the better of me, I tried relaxing, slumping back in my seat and focusing on just breathing.

My fingers found my phone in my coat pocket and fumbled with it for a while. Every little part of me wanted to call Sean, to at least hear a friendly voice, but I fought the urge. I was a big girl; I could handle this. Besides, what could he do from five hours away? I wasn't about to ask him to drive all the way up here, and even if he did, what would that do besides make me feel guilty for dragging him all this way? What, was he going to yell at anyone who said mean things about me? Call their parents?

I slammed the phone on the table. No. I had to deal with this on my own.

I thought back to the people I had passed on the way here. Did they know yet? Just what could I expect when I got back on campus? I frowned and shook my head at the thought. I certainly wasn't that popular that the whole student population would be buzzing with my news. Hailey had introduced me to her ever-growing group of friends, but I certainly wouldn't call myself popular by any stretch. I had ended up getting to know a handful of people through her and my classes last semester, but that hardly gave me any kind of social butterfly status. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad. More than likely, I'd have to find new people to share meals with, and probably wouldn't be involved in many conversations between classes, and I certainly wouldn't be invited to hang out with anyone in the evenings, but that was really more like I was used to – just doing my thing, all on my own. It'd be lonely, but I could handle it.

I sighed heavily, puffing out a loaded breath. I tried another bite of muffin and washed it down with some coffee, still hardly tasting either. Hailey's words began circling in my mind again, and I just sank further into my coat in a feeble attempt to stifle them.

Hailey was right about one thing, as much as I hated to admit it. I had cheated on Tyler, though being with Sean never felt wrong. In fact, it was the other way around: all the time I spent with Tyler felt off somehow. His kisses never made my toes curl like Sean's had. He very rarely made me feel as good as Sean so often did. It wasn't that Tyler treated me poorly, but I never felt...special. When I was with Sean, he made me feel like I was the center of his world.

God I missed him.

I picked up my phone again and smiled as our goofy selfie lit up the screen. I was so in love with that man, regardless of what anyone said or did.

Then, out of the blue, it hit me: that's why being with Tyler always felt like something was missing. I was right when I'd told Hailey that I was missing, that I wasn't present. It was because I'd been in love with Sean the whole time. I'd loved him as a friend before all this started; was it so hard to believe that our first kiss had sealed our fate, so to speak, and brought us closer together than we'd realized in just those few moments? I'd known I'd loved him after trying to go further with Tyler, and had thought it was just because they had treated me so differently. Now, looking back on it, I understood that I'd been in love with Sean since our first kiss, that our friendship had blossomed into something beautiful without my even knowing it.

I sat up a little straighter and started picking at my muffin again, even enjoying it a little.

That is, I was enjoying it until I realized that technically, that meant while I was with Tyler, I was cheating on Sean, at least in my heart. Granted we weren't in any kind of official relationship, but it certainly explained why I couldn't let myself go any further with Tyler, why I wouldn't let him touch me, no matter how many times he'd tried, why I never really felt giddy around him...and why it wasn't a hard decision to break up with him.

Was it perfect logic? Absolutely not.

Was it self-rationalization? Probably.

Did it make any of it less true? Not even a little bit.

My realization erased any thoughts I'd had when I first came to Sean asking for a practice session and giving him a blow job. I'd felt like I'd used Sean, and now I knew that wasn't true anymore.

Then Hailey's words began taunting me again, the nearly one-sided conversation repeating itself on a loop in my mind. Was Sean using me, just stringing me along? Everything she had said made sense. She was even right about him knowing I was dating Tyler when I first spent the night at his house. Nothing I could come up with could explain any of it away, just my blind faith and hope that Sean wouldn't treat me like she'd insinuated. He'd promised me...and my mother...that he'd never hurt me, and I'd believed him...I still believed him.

Why, then, did I feel so shitty all of a sudden?

'Calm down, Morgan,' I coached myself and focused on my breathing again. Sean was best friends with my father, almost a brother, at least until recently, and I've trusted him all my life. He'd given me absolutely no reason to start doubting him. If he was just using me like Hailey suggested, why would he always put my...needs...above his own? Why had he taken a punch to the nose? And not just that, but told my father he loved me, that he wanted to marry me, effectively ending a nearly lifelong friendship?

And really, he had proposed to me kind of spur of the moment. Considering the ice storm and the short amount of time we had together anyway, when was he supposed to get me ring? He did try, and my left hand might not be naked right now if not for the idiotic saleswoman assuming things about us and upsetting the both of us.

With every revelation and rationalization, another of Hailey's points was drudged up to the surface. I sighed heavily and checked the time on my phone. It had been less than an hour since I'd left my dorm room, though it almost felt like days had passed. I resigned to staying in the tiny café, hoping to give Hailey plenty of time to move her stuff out of the room and wishing I had brought a book to attempt to occupy my mind rather than the awful things Hailey had said earlier.

Really, though, what did she know? She barely heard any details of our relationship, just the bare bones of what Sean and I had together, really, and jumped to every conclusion she could possibly come to. She hadn't heard, or at least hadn't listened, when I tried telling her how loving and caring Sean always was to me. She had some preconceived notion about us, it seemed, despite only learning about my being with Sean a mere hour earlier, if that. Had all this been brewing in her brain while we were standing in line together at the bookstore? It pissed me off that she was there assuming things about me while standing inches away.

I stayed in my little corner booth, fuming at my soon-to-be ex-roomie. The longer I sat, the more pissed I became. Not only had she basically shattered any happiness I was feeling, but she had made me doubt myself and my relationship with Sean. It infuriated me, the thought that someone I thought I knew, that I thought knew me, someone I thought I could trust, could hurt me so deeply and could get so far under my skin like she had.

Damn I was pissed. I had a fleeting thought of my father – was this how he felt? We had sprung the news on him just as Hailey had cultivated then pounced on my insecurities. Hadn't we basically done the same kind of thing to his trust in both of us?

No. This was different. He hadn't listened, just as Hailey hadn't listened. Granted, he had a lot more reason to be upset at us, and any conclusions he'd jumped to were pretty much right on. I slumped as another wave of guilt washed over me as I realized just how awful that whole situation was. I wondered how long my father was going to shut me out.

The next thing I knew, one of the baristas was making her way around, wiping tables and re-setting chairs as she went. She not-so-nonchalantly informed me that the coffee shop would be closing soon and that I needed to head out. I nodded and tried apologizing for being the last customer and was met with a pretentious eye-roll in response. A part of me, the part that was tired of taking crap from people, wanted to just leave my mess on the table, but my parents had raised me better than that, so I cleared the crumbs as best as I could into my now empty cup. I shrugged my coat on and puffed out a breath, preparing myself for the walk to my dorm and what potentially awaited me there.

I keyed into my room and flipped the lights on and saw...that nothing had changed. All of Hailey's belongings were right where they'd been before I'd left. I looked around and didn't see a note or anything from her, either.

A new wave of emotion rushed through me. Obviously it was far too late for her to come back and get her things now, but what if she came back just to yell and scream at me? What if she brought someone along just to try to shame me even further? What if she brought Tyler? What would I do?

I was so lost in thought that I jumped and let out a scream when my phone buzzed in my pocket. I glanced down at the screen and answered a little nervously.

"Hey, sweetheart. Get everything all settled in your room?"

God, if he only knew. I took a deep breath to keep my voice from shaking. "Hey, baby. I'm...I'm here." It was about all I could trust myself to say. Just hearing his voice brought on a fresh onslaught of tears that I fought to hold back. I breathed deeply again and asked, "How are you?"

I could hear his sexy grin through his smooth as silk voice. "Good. My bed is far too big without you in it, though."

Hailey's words from earlier crashed into me yet again. Was Sean only using me for sex?

"God I can't wait until I get you all to myself again," he continued.

The ever-growing knot in my stomach tightened. 'Stop it, Morgan. He just misses you as much as you miss him.' I tried calming myself down, but that awful niggling doubt in the corner of my mind kept attacking. I hated the effect my thoughts were having on my mental state. 'What if she's right?' kept circling in my head.

"Hey, Sean," I said, almost in a whisper to hopefully hide how badly my voice was shaking with the need to cry. "It's been a long day and I've got an early start tomorrow." It wasn't a total lie; I definitely wanted to make myself scarce tomorrow as soon as I could in case Hailey did come back to get her things. "I think I'm going to just go to bed, okay?"

"Oh," he said, a hint of disappointment in his voice. "Alright. Here I was hoping I could help you break in your new little friend."

"Roommate, Sean," I reminded him, the knot in my stomach twisting and fraying with the added guilt. "I'll talk to you later, okay?"

"Alright, sweetheart," he agreed. "Sleep well."

"G'night, Sean."

"Morgan, wait!" he called out through the speaker. My breath caught in my throat. Did he know I was keeping something from him? "When are you done with classes tomorrow? Maybe we could have a Skype date."

I almost sighed with relief. "Maybe he still didn't suspect anything was wrong after all. "Last class gets out at four-fifteen. Then I was going to grab some dinner and get started on studying."

"Well, let me know when you need a study break. Roommate or not, I wanna talk to you."

I almost started crying again, but this time for an entirely different reason. I tried to beat the growing doubt in my mind back. How could a man who says something so sweet be anything but wonderful? How could I be stupid enough to listen to even a syllable of what that bitch Hailey had said?

"Alright. I'll call you sometime tomorrow."

"Okay, Sugar. I love you, Morgan."

"I love you, too, Sean. Thank you."

I could hear the confusion in his voice. "For what, sweetheart?"

"Just...being you," I sighed.

He chuckled, "Whatever you say. Get some sleep, hon. You sound like you need it."

Again, if he only knew. "You're probably right. Good night, baby."

"G'night. Sleep well."

And despite all the craziness of the past day, or maybe because of it, I slept incredibly well that night.

It was easier than I expected to slip back into my morning routine. The only real change was instead of going to the caf and meeting up with Hailey and her friends, I would get a quick breakfast from the little sandwich shop in the basement of the main academic building where I'd be spending the majority of my day anyway.

My first couple classes went well enough, I suppose. I found it was pretty difficult to focus on anything going on. Instead, I was constantly worried if any of the students in the rooms with me were friends with Hailey and if she'd told them her take on what happened between me and Tyler. I found myself shaking my head clear of such thoughts. When did I start thinking of myself as so important? 'Probably around the time Sean started thinking of you as so important,' my snarky mind responded. After that, my thoughts naturally drifted to him, wondering what he did with his day. Did he just stay in his office and work on...whatever his next deadline was? It occurred to me I had no idea what kinds of things he wrote, only that he did it often enough and well enough to make a pretty decent living for himself.

I was several minutes early to my next to last class, though not the first to arrive, and found a seat near a window in the front of the classroom. I gazed outside, taking in the still snowy landscape of the campus, the limbs of the trees still heavy with snow. Below I saw several students navigating the shoveled sidewalks, discovering slick spots as they trudged to their classes. As I sat, I heard the room filling with other students; when I looked around after a few more minutes of gazing out the window, I realized over half the seats were taken. A glance at the clock above the door told me class would be starting very soon. I pulled my phone out of my pocket to make sure it was on silent and when I looked up again, I saw Tyler walking through the doorway.

My heart sank. Had Hailey gotten to him already? If she had, who knows what she told him? I wouldn't think Hailey would lie, but as of last night, I certainly wouldn't put it past her.

The now-constant knot in my stomach began to twist on itself again as Tyler made his way into the classroom. A feeling of dread washed over me as I noticed he was crossing over to where I was sitting. 'Relax. It's only because all the seats closest to the door are already taken,' I told myself. I forced myself to take a deep breath to calm down and offered him a weak smile as he came closer. "Hi, Tyler," I squeaked out.

"Slut," he said, clear as day, for all to hear, putting extra emphasis on the 'L' and the 'T.'

I was mortified. I could physically feel every eye in the room turn to look at me.

I couldn't move, could barely breathe. My mouth hung gaping open in shock and I could feel my cheeks and ears turn nineteen shades of scarlet even as all the blood drained from my face.

A low whisper started to travel throughout the room. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly and focused on my breathing, trying to convince myself not to cry...not in front of all these people. I don't know if it was fate screwing with me or luck blessing me, but the professor walked in as the group's whisper grew to a murmur, quelling the sound before it could continue. I kept my vision focused on the textbook in front of me, taking notes with a shaky hand, never once looking up, for fear that the professor had heard what Tyler had said and would be looking at me judgingly, as I was sure the rest of the class was.

The second the professor dismissed the class, I stumbled out of my seat, shoving my books into my bag as I left, pushing my way through to get out to the hallway.

I didn't know what to do, where to go. I just knew I had to get out. I hurled myself down the flights of stairs until I reached the main floor then nearly sprinted across campus, not even thinking about where I was going. I'd never had a panic attack before, but I was certain I was in the middle of one now. It wasn't until my tunnel vision had cleared that I realized I'd brought myself to my favorite part of the campus library, deep in the stacks, practically hidden away from the rest of humanity. I couldn't remember how I'd gotten here, but now that I recognized my surroundings, I was glad my feet had taken me here.

I swung my backpack off my shoulders and let it drop to the floor then leaned against the cool wall and slid down to join it. I pulled my knees up and let my forehead land against them and let the horror of the last hour take its full effect on me. Hot tears of embarrassment ran down my cheeks. If the rumor mill hadn't picked up on everything last night, it was certainly going to be hard at work now. I could handle it if people just started ignoring me now that I'd fallen out of Hailey's 'good graces.' It would be like high school all over again, but I could manage. It was the shame that came with my newfound "title" that had me anxious.

My embarrassment turned to anger. How could anyone believe Tyler? I wasn't a slut. I've only been with one man. Yes, I can see why Tyler would say it, but why would anyone who knew me believe him?

Of course, it made sense. Who would listen to the wallflower when someone like Hailey was talking first? It angered me that everyone would most likely jump on the bandwagon she and Tyler were driving rather than actually talk to me. 'Right, like I'd want to open up my personal life to the general public anyway,' I thought to myself. Still, it would have been nice if people had questioned Tyler after his calling me out as a slut in front of the class rather than pointing and whispering about me.

At this point, I'd be inexcusably late for my last class of the day, so there was little point in trying anyway. I still wasn't sure if Hailey had moved her things out of the room yet or not, though unless she skipped her first day of classes, I figured that was unlikely. I decided to make the best of a crappy situation and try to concentrate long enough to get some reading done. A fleeting thought crossed my mind to call Sean, but I didn't want him to know anything was wrong and didn't trust my voice with speech just yet.

There's no natural light in the corner of the stacks in which I had found myself, so the only indication of time passing was my stomach growling, informing me that I hadn't eaten in hours. I found a good stopping point and packed my books away then stood up and went to put on my jacket.

My jacket.

It hit me with a sinking feeling in my stomach that in my rush to get out of the classroom, I'd left my jacket hanging on the back of my chair. I must have just been so focused on getting out of there that I hadn't even noticed the cold as I crossed campus. My mind went into overdrive, wondering if it was even still there. Had someone grabbed it? Was the classroom still open so I could check? Suddenly I thought to check my jeans pockets for...

Dammit! My phone was sitting in my coat pocket. I tried forcing myself to breathe deeply to keep myself from crying. Tears definitely weren't going to help right now. A number of scenarios came to mind as I tried to determine what to do next, not many of them very promising.

I made my way to the main floor and froze in my tracks when I looked out the large windows lining the lower level of the building. Outside, the sidewalks were glistening with fallen precipitation; the drops frozen to the window panes told me it wasn't just rain that was falling, but ice or sleet or at least something that would be a bitch to walk in across campus, let alone without a jacket. 'Well,' I thought, 'might as well go now. It's not like it'll get warmer if I wait.' I readjusted the straps on my shoulders and braced myself for the long trek across campus.

I had just reached the lobby doors of the library when I heard my name being called from behind me. I felt myself tense up, nervous about who it was calling me and just what they wanted. I turned around warily to see Sara, one of the student workers in the library, approaching me quickly.

With my jacket.

"I figured I'd see you in here sooner or later. You left this after marketing today. I tried to catch up with you, but you booked it the hell out of there." A look of contrite understanding covered her face, "I guess I can't really blame you."

I mumbled a "thanks" and took the coat from her. She continued talking while I shed my backpack and put on my coat, surreptitiously checking for my phone while doing so, and silently relieved to find it in the pocket where I'd left it.

"Tyler's such an ass for what he said. I don't know what all went on between you two, but seriously, knowing him and...well...sort of knowing you, I just find it hard to believe. And then Hailey going around telling people you slapped the shit out of her. Really? You?" she scoffed.

I was still looking down, pulling the zipper on my coat closed, but peeked up at Sara from beneath my eyelashes at her last comment. "Actually," I murmured with a smirk, "it was just once."

Sara looked at me, jaw hanging open in some kind of twisted sense of awe. "Holy shit!" she exclaimed, far louder than she should have given where we were standing. "You mean it's true?! You really hit her?"

I simply nodded, not sure exactly where Sara stood on the whole ordeal.

"Honestly? She probably deserved it. I know she's all, you know, popular and crap, but she just seems so damn fake." She paused, and even with my head still down, I could feel her gaze on me. "Are you okay?"

I shrugged and mumbled, "Just...everything. Last night with Hailey and today with Tyler." Sara looked at me as if she was clearly missing something, so I gave her the bare bones version of how I'd met someone before going out with Tyler, and all the convoluted things that happened since. I didn't mention Sean in great detail, just that he was a family friend and he was older, hoping to avoid a reaction like Hailey's again.

"Huh...well, that explains everything and nothing at all," Sara responded. Now it was my turn to look confused. "That girl has had a thing for Tyler since I can remember. I'm surprised she was even okay with you two going out in the first place. So it explains why she was so upset that you...well...as his friend, to see you cheat on him, for whatever reason...misguided as it may have been," she stammered. "Still, I'd think she'd be glad that you two are definitely not getting back together. Girl is messed up. So, I guess she told Tyler in detail what you told her, huh?"

"More than likely," I agreed. "If not more detail than I gave her." Sara cocked an eyebrow and nodded, as if to say "Sounds like Hailey." I glanced outside and saw a layer of white coating the already slick looking sidewalks. "Hey, I should probably go. Thank you so much for grabbing my jacket."

Sara gave me a genuine smile, one that prompted a grin of my own. "No problem, hon. Look, my shift is almost over and I'm starved. Wanna grab something to eat?"

I let out a relieved laugh. "That sounds great." Maybe I didn't have to worry about returning to being a hermit after all. I sat myself at a table near the circulation desk and waited for Sara to finish up. Meanwhile, I checked my phone, seeing a couple of missed messages from Sean and my mother. Mom was just checking to see how my first day of classes went. I texted back a quick 'Fine,' and something about studying and letting her know I was okay. There was no way I'd let her know what was going on with my personal life right now.

I clicked open Sean's messages, one of them including a little red rose emoji, and grinned like an idiot. That man knew just how to make me feel better, even if he didn't know I was upset to begin with. I let him know I was finished studying and was going to get some dinner, but I'd be back in my room soon and we could hopefully Skype for a while. He must have had his phone out, waiting for a reply, because he texted back right away telling me he'd be waiting for me. A small part of my brain was really hoping for Hailey to be moved out like she said she would so I would have the room to myself, knowing that Sean would be asking about his latest gift to me.

Sara and I made our way to the cafeteria. I was more than relieved to find it nearly empty. Whether it was due to the crappy weather or just because it was later than the normal dinner rush didn't really matter. After my conversation with myself last night, I told myself I wasn't going to worry about people talking about me...but after what happened in class today, that was all thrown out the window. I still wanted to avoid anyone who might recognize me if I could help it. I briefly wondered how I was going to get through classes for the rest of the semester, but didn't dwell on it. Like any good gossip story, this would all be water under the bridge soon anyway...I hoped. Besides, was I about to let Hailey and Tyler have that much power and control over my life? I didn't think so.

Sara and I lived on different levels of the same building, so we walked together to the hall and parted ways in the lobby. As I drew closer and closer to my room, I grew more and more nervous at what I would find on the other side of the door. No light was shining from beneath the door, so at least I was pretty sure Hailey wasn't there, though I still didn't know if she'd moved or not. I supposed there was only one way to find out.

I slid the key in the lock and palmed the door open then flipped on the lights to find all of Hailey's things were gone. 'Well, that's that,' I thought to myself, a little relieved and, for some reason, sad that my first college friend was apparently no longer part of my life. I shrugged, focusing on getting to talk with Sean – the soon to be happiest part of my day. I tossed my backpack and jacket on the newly vacated bed and turned toward the desk with my laptop on it.

That's when I saw Hailey's final blow, waiting for me in bright red lipstick –

"ENJOY THE ROOM, SLUT"

- written on the wall in letters at least six inches tall.

I sank down onto a bed – I wasn't really paying attention to which one – and stared. The practical side of my brain was trying to figure out how the hell I was going to clean that off. The rest of me was reeling from the message itself. A scary thought crossed my mind: I was counting on the gossip chain and rumor mill to get tired of this little story and move on sooner rather than later, but what if Hailey used her popularity to keep it going as long as she could? What if I could never escape the stigma and the embarrassment? Could I stay at this school with all that following me around?

I shook myself out of my thoughts and forced myself to my feet, not able to stand looking at those words another minute. I certainly wouldn't be able to talk with Sean with Hailey's message staring at me the whole time. When I first came to school, my mom insisted on setting me up with all kinds of cleaning supplies, just in case I ever felt like doing more cleaning than just laundry. There in the bottom of the bucket was a Magic Eraser. Hoping all those commercials were accurate, I rushed down to the bathroom to wet this miracle sponge and returned to my room to start to work. Thankfully, with quite a bit of elbow grease, all the lipstick came off, not leaving even a small trace behind. I dropped the Eraser into the bucket and plopped down on the desk chair and waited for my laptop to boot up.

As soon as the Wi-Fi connected, I logged on to Skype, instantly smiling when I saw Sean's screen name waiting for me. I didn't even have a chance to click on him when I got the notice to start a video chat with him. I clicked accept and adjusted my chair so I was lined up better with the camera.

"Hey, sweetie," he said with a smile that didn't quite match up with the audio. Ah, the joys of technology.

"Hi, baby. God, I miss you," I answered back, already fighting back tears.

"I miss you too, sweetheart. I haven't had to cook for myself for a while. Almost forgot where everything was," he teased, and I gave him a sarcastic laugh in response. "So how were classes?"

"Most of them were okay, I guess." I was about to explain that the classes themselves were alright, it was the people in them that were going to be an issue, when his phone rang.

"Damn. Hang on, Morgan," he said apologetically and disappeared from the screen. I could hear him answer and inadvertently heard his end of the conversation:

"Hello? Hey, Melissa. No, no, it's fine. You're good, go ahead. Yeah? ...yeah...? No fucking way! Best news I've heard in a long time. But what about your...oh really? Well that makes things nice and easy, doesn't it? Yeah, no shit it's about time. What's that? Yeah, last couple weeks were kinda crazy, couldn't really get out, but I'm all yours whenever...uh, lemme...tomorrow looks good. I would love to meet you for lunch, sweet thing. Okay, I'll see you then. God, you are just the best. Seriously, I could just kiss you. Hahaha, yeah I know. Alright, hon. I'll see you tomorrow. You bet. Bye."

I sat there in shock. God, Hailey was right. Sean was just using me. He apparently had some woman...Melissa...and was just waiting until I was gone before he could see her again. All the crap about wanting to marry me and loving me and everything was just...just for show...just to get in my pants whenever he wanted. Oh my god, how could I have been so fucking naïve? So god damned stupid? I literally threw myself at him, practically begged him to fuck me. I remember wondering how a man like him could stay single for so long. Well now I had my answer: he apparently didn't. I thought back to our first time having sex. He had already had an open box of condoms in his night stand. If he was single, why have them?

God, every little thing looked so differently now: why we only went out in public together a few times; why he was always so insistent about protection. His offer for me to move in with him was more of a convenience for him than any real way of progressing our relationship. 'What relationship? You mean giving yourself to him, practically being at his beck and call, spreading your legs whenever he wanted it? Turns out they're right about you – you are a slut.'

I felt like I was going to be sick. He scooted back into the camera's line of sight and I knew I was going to be sick. I just couldn't talk to him right now. I rubbed my eyes roughly, hoping to staunch the flow of tears for another minute while I begged out of the conversation. I didn't care if he realized I had caught on to his little...scheme. Maybe he'd think I was just tired and wouldn't push for many details.

"Hey, Sean, I'm sorry to do this, but I'm exhausted from today, and I've got another early bird class tomorrow," I said with a voice much calmer than I was actually feeling. "I'm just gonna go to bed, okay?"

"You sure?" he asked, and something like genuine concern crossed his features.

I nodded quickly and squeezed my eyes shut, willing them to stay dry just a minute longer. "Yeah. I'm pretty beat. I'll...I'll talk with you some other time."

He leaned back in his chair, but his gaze was no less intense on me. "Alright, sweetheart. You promise everything's okay?"

"I'm fine!" I almost shouted. "I just...really need to get going. Bye."

"Alright, Bye Morg-"

I cut off the conversation before he could say anything else. I just knew his next words would be 'I love you,' and it would break me and he'd force an explanation from me and I just couldn't handle that right now.

Instead I flopped onto my bed, on top of the covers, still completely dressed, and cried myself to sleep.

The rest of the week dragged on slowly. When I wasn't in class, I was in my room, trying desperately to concentrate on my reading for classes, but ended up staring at the pages and not one letter of the text sinking in.

I barely slept, staying up until the wee hours of the morning until I basically passed out from exhaustion, and woke after only a few hours' sleep, unable to face my dreams anymore. Every night was the same: I would show up for some test that I wasn't at all prepared for, and as I sat in my seat and went to look for something to write with, I would notice I was naked. Then a huge group of people would enter the room, led by Hailey, Tyler and my father, all laughing snidely at me...but the loudest laugh would be Sean's.

After waking from the dream and throwing on whatever clothes looked most comfortable (and once just staying in my pajamas), I would make my way to the main academic building, get a simple breakfast, make another attempt at catching up on reading, then drag myself to classes. I timed everything out so I was the last one in the door, hiding in bathrooms until the last possible moment, hoping to avoid the looks and stares that I was sure would be landing on me in each class. I would often skip lunch, not daring to be seen anywhere if I could avoid it, and had gone to the local grocery store to load up on Ramen noodles, which had become the main staple of my diet this past week.

I just felt so stupid, so used, so...empty. What I thought had been real love and happiness with Sean was all...nothing. I constantly berated myself for letting my hormones and stupid little teenage wishes take control. I avoided Sean as best I could all week, declining all his calls, only answering texts with minimal responses, insisting that this class load was a lot more demanding than I'd bargained for and was having a hard time getting back into the swing of things. He wouldn't push, saying something along the lines of knowing my education was important to me, and wished me luck and sweet dreams and always ending with an 'I love you.'

What was worse was that I hadn't had my period for over a month. Was it possible that on top of everything else, I was pregnant? I tried telling myself it was just stress, but the nagging feeling wouldn't let up, and of course my imagination came up with all the worst possible scenarios.

Friday night arrived, and I heard the other girls on my floor going back and forth between their rooms, getting ready for the first big parties of the new semester. I stayed in bed, staring at nothing, waiting, almost begging for sleep to come. It seemed all I did lately was cry whenever I was in here, but crying was all I seemed to be able to do with any success. I felt so dried up, wiped out, and useless.

I heard a soft knock from the hall, but figured it was for one of the girls next to me, once again cursing the paper thin walls of the building. The knock sounded again, louder and more insistent this time, but I chose to ignore it. I heard my phone ringing from its place on my desk, but I let it go to voicemail as I wasn't in any kind of state of mind to talk to anyone, whether in person or over the phone.

The next thing I knew, there was banging on my door, followed by my RA calling from the other side of it, "Morgan? Are you in there?" I heard a key slip into the lock and my door burst open. I sat up quickly, then swayed as the blood rushed from my head because of the sudden movement. Finally my vision stopped swimming in front of me and I could focus.

There, standing next to my RA...was Sean.