AN: Apologies in advance for the overabundance of pronouns in this chapter. Thomas/Cas is having some identity issues, plus with him being with Thomas' family this chapter *I'm* not entirely sure which half of him is stronger at this particular juncture, so I very much doubt *he* knows. Also I never actually named anyone in his family (whoops) and I'm not gonna start now, so his sister is just gonna be nameless!

(I do feel kinda bad about that, she's super important to helping Cas get his head on straight.)

I also had someone comment about how Anna didn't really have an identity crisis when she found out she was an angel again. In regards to that - if I remember correctly (and I'm not gonna lie, I might not), Anna did have a mental breakdown after she heard Cas calling out. And Anna's family died shortly after the Winchesters appeared on the scene, and I feel like her parents would have been her last real hold on her life as Anna Milton. After that, and especially when she gets her grace back, it's all angel.

Thomas/Cas is sorta having that mental breakdown (on a smaller scale), but Thomas' family and life are still around to keep that part of him relevant. He also doesn't have his grace, so there's no angel mojo that's trying to override his human side. At least that's where I'm coming from on why he's still very much both people. He's just going to have to maybe figure out a way to meld those different sides a bit better than he has.

He should have left a note, he realizes belatedly. It's about two hours into his drive and he just sighs because it's too late to do anything about it now.

(No it's not, you can text him.

He doesn't want to hear from me right now.

He's going to worry that something happened to you.

He knows I just need space.

You already dropped off the face of the planet once. Why would you do that to him again?

There was no answering that one with anything but guilt, so he ignores the question altogether.)

When he opens the door to his parents' place (and when did it stop feeling like home?), the wind's nearly knocked out of him. His sister clings to him, stepping on his shoes because that's the only way to make her even close to his height, and he's forced to drop his bag in an attempt to keep his balance.

"What are you doing-"

"You came!" she squeals, hugging him tighter. "Early, even!" She finally lets him go and her smile is beautiful in how bright it is. Until she sees his confusion, and then her smile drops and frown lines appear.

"Came for what?" he asks dumbly, and it just seems to confirm something to her because a pout is spreading.

"Christmas. Christmas is in a few days."

"Oh." Is it? He really needs to keep better track of this sort of thing.

The pout quickly changes into something else, too fast for him to really catalog. "If you're not here for Christmas-"

Thankfully she's cut off by the surprised shouts of his parents. He's being hugged again, though not nearly as tightly, and ushered into the kitchen for food. Some of his cousins are there, and he's saved from needing to deal with his sister's questions.

Because that would mean actually knowing the answers, and he's a long way from there.

There's enough family activities going on that he manages to avoid being cornered by his sister. His old room has already been commandeered by his aunt and uncle, and he ends up having to share the basement with one of his cousins. His sister offered to share her room, but that was a disaster waiting to happen. He'll take the snoring cousin over the nosy sister.

It works out pretty well until Christmas Eve. And even then, it's only because he makes the mistake of drinking too much egg nog. Egg nog might be disgusting, but he's not in a position to be picky about what he drinks.

Anything to make him stop thinking about Dean. Which would probably be a lot easier if everything weren't so fucking green during Christmas. The tree, the decorations, even the cookies his dad made. Half the presents are wrapped in this green and red paper that his parents have probably had lying around since he was in middle school because they bought it in bulk.

He's too busy drinking and moping that he doesn't really notice when she sits down next to him on the big fluffy couch in the corner of the living room. Everyone's watching It's a Wonderful Life, which is fucking annoying because he knows how this movie ends and a happy ending with an angel named Clarence helping save the day is the last thing he needs right now.

His sister's patient, waits until he's pretty much forgotten she's there, when she nudges him with her elbow. "How're you feeling?"

He grunts in reply and takes another sip. Awful.

"That's not an answer."

"Really feels like it is," he mutters.

"Okay." She keeps her eyes on the TV and her voice down so no one will overhear them. "Wanna talk about it?"

His dramatic eye roll goes unnoticed since, duh, she's not looking at him, so eventually has to say, "Not really."

Reaching over to the coffee table, she grabs one of the bowls of popcorn and starts eating. The whole time she keeps watching the movie. "How 'bout," she says over a mouthful, "If I can guess the problem, you gotta tell me I'm right."

He takes a moment to consider. The last thing he wants to do is talk about things because he doesn't even really know how to say what's wrong. It's a series of insecurities that have settled deep under his skin that he can't quite name, but are there and alive nonetheless. So without even knowing what the problem is himself, he doubts his sister will really be able to figure it out.

"Sure." Because honestly what's the worst that could happen?

"Is there something wrong with your car?"

"Seriously?"

"Hey, I gotta start somewhere. You talked about how you'd fixed it up a bit when you were here last month - I figured it was possible."

"It's not the car."

"Okay," she says with a shrug. He expects her to immediately ask another question, but instead she watches the movie some more. "You having job problems?"

He doesn't have a job but at the moment it doesn't matter. Even if it did, he doubts it would cause him any real distress. So he shakes his head.

"Any issues with your living situation?"

"Issues with my living situation?" he repeats, a little dumbfounded.

"Dude, I don't even know where you live anymore. I don't know if you've got an apartment, a roommate, a trailer, or if you're just living out the back of your car. So whatever's going on, are there any issues with it?"

That takes a moment to consider. This is probably going to be more problematic than the job thing. If he stays with... (his mind skirts around thinking the name) then things will be rough. But if he leaves, well, he'll just go back to hunting and he's done that for years. For now, he'd probably be fine living out of motels. So he just shrugs.

There's a second where it seems like she's going to press in on that. "Are you lonely?"

There are basically two people in his head. No, he's not lonely and he's not even sure it's possible for him to be lonely. Knowing about Castiel has alleviated a lot of the loneliness he experienced as a child.

(Or is it because you found De-

He cuts off that line of thinking because he knows where it goes and he doesn't need that right now.)

"I'll be right back," she says solemnly before disappearing for a few minutes. He finds himself a little disappointed. Damn, he got his hopes up that she might actually help. But his sister plops back down next to him and hands him a beer (but not before taking a big gulp of it herself - he really should scold her since she's underage, but oh well) and starts sipping a soda.

Instead of drinking it though, he just sorta plays with it in his hands. No more questions come for a while, and he eventually downs half the beer just to ease his nerves.

Which is apparently what his sister was waiting for, because she almost instantly asks, "Is it girl trouble?"

His mistake is he snorts at that. It's just so... ridiculous. Not that he doesn't like girls. But he's been in so deep with Dean for a while now, he hasn't thought about girls for months.

"... Is it boy trouble?"

This time he chokes a bit, which is even more telling since he's not even eating or drinking anything at the moment. If he boils down all his troubles to one thing, one thing that set him off on the road and out of Lawrence, then yeah it's "boy trouble."

"Oh my god, Thomas-" She's finally looking at him, he can feel her eyes boring into the side of his head. He won't turn to meet the stare.

But he will finish the beer.

"What's going on?" she hisses. But then she seems to remember the rules of their little game. "Are you seeing someone?"

"Sort of."

Out of the corner of his eye, she sees her eyes narrow at him. "Did he break up with you?"

He shakes his head.

"Did you break up with him?"

He frowns. Did he? He thinks about how he left, taking all his stuff without a word and just disappearing. Doesn't even know if he plans on going back. All he wants to do is hide here in limbo, where he doesn't have to choose because this is safer. But objectively, it seems there's an answer. "I think I did."

"Are you happy about that?"

"No," he says instantly. There's no way he can even lie about that. He was unsure and anxious about the whole thing while he was there (even if he did a good job ignoring it), but now he's just plain miserable.

"Do you want him back?" He starts to shrug but she points a finger at him, "No, you don't get out of this one. Do you want him back, yes or no? No thinking about it or wondering if it's possible. Just the first thought that comes to mind - yes or no?"

"Yes."

Satisfied, she stops pointing her finger. "Okay. Would he take you back?"

"I don't know."

"Okay. We can talk about that part later." We can fix it, is the underlying promise. "Is he good to you?"

He laughs a little at that. Dean (and yes, he finally lets himself think the name) has been extraordinarily patient with him. Both before and after the more physical aspects of their relationship, he'd never felt more cared for than when he was in Lawrence. And maybe he's laughing at the idea that his little sister would probably go straight to Dean's place to kick his ass if she thought he'd done anything.

"Yes, he's very good."

"Well," she sighs, "I don't know why you broke up with him then. Did you have a fight?"

"Yes."

"Was it a fight worth having?"

"Yes." Who he is is important, right? But then he frowns. Dean knows who he is, has been very good about addressing both Castiel and Thomas. That's not the issue. He quickly thinks over the argument, realizes they didn't really say all that much. "No. I- I don't know if we were actually fighting about the right thing..."

"But there is something you need to talk about?"

"Yes." And he likes that she said 'talk' instead of 'fight'. The idea of a shouting match with Dean sounds awful, in no small part because he feels it would just be him shouting and Dean taking it.

(Oh how it used to be different. How he used to be the millenia old celestial being, experienced and knowing and patient. How he would allow the human, nothing but a child in comparison to himself, lash out at him with his words. How Dean would scream himself hoarse sometimes and how little it would actually do to make him feel better.)

"Do you think he'd be willing to have that talk?"

"I think so," he says carefully. Yes, Dean will talk to him, he's certain of that. But the idea of actually being able to fix things, that seems far fetched. Dean has been understanding thus far, so yes, he will listen and talk this out. But it doesn't mean that he's willing to keep up a relationship, friendship or otherwise, after this.

"So...?"

"So?" And now he finally looks at his sister, his little sister with the big heart who has always been on his side. Who is still on his side. Who would probably love Castiel just as much as Thomas if she got the chance, because she's always accepted every part of him since they were children. So he looks at her, waiting breathlessly for the solution to the problem.

"So... why are you here?"

His brain shuts down as it processes that. Then he's jumping off the sofa and sprinting down the basement steps two at a time, his sister running behind him.

"Need help?" she asks as he starts shoving things back into his duffel bag.

"I think I have some clothes in the dryer if you could-"

"Yep."

In his rush, he's fully ready to jump right in his car and take off, but after packing his sister firmly grabs his arm and makes him sit next to her on the futon bed. "You're drunk, you gotta wait a bit."

"I'm not drunk," he huffs. He certainly feels sober, but that's probably just the adrenaline in his system. With a sigh, he gives in and falls backward. It probably wouldn't hurt to wait, especially since he's pretty sure he'll be flooring it the whole way back to Kansas.

She lays down next to him. "Sure you're not." She pats his arm gently. "Let's give it an hour or two though, okay?"

He grumbles something incomprehensible, something that may sound suspiciously like agreement.

"What's his name?"

"Dean."

"He your type?" she nudges him in the side and he can just hear the teasing smile and suggestive eyebrow waggling. Dirty blond with green eyes, she'd once explained to him. His type.

"Dean is probably the definition of 'my type.'"

"Nice."

"He, uh... he's a little older than me-"

"How old?" No judgement, just curiosity.

"58." He holds his breath while he waits.

"Hmm. Didn't think that was your thing." She shrugs, which is a little awkward since they're lying down staring at the ceiling. "And just so you know, three and a half decades does not qualify as 'a little older.'"

"Do you think Mom and Dad will mind?"

"Thomas, if you love the guy they're not gonna have an issue with him."

He very deliberately ignores the L word. Sure, he feels it. Has felt it for some time. But not knowing how Dean would react to that knowledge... Well, that's part of the problem, isn't it?

They talk for a while. About Dean, his family and his job and his house in Lawrence. His sister seems surprised, both by how much he seems to know and how fondly he speaks of the older man. She forgives him for losing track of Thanksgiving and Christmas, silently acknowledging that falling in love sometimes takes precedence.

When he there's nothing left but the faintest tingle of alcohol running through his veins, he heads out. He hugs his sister good-bye before sneaking out the garage. She promises to make excuses for him (or explain things - he's left the choice up to her). Doing it himself would slow him down and make him feel guilty for ignoring his family's confusion and requests that he stay.

Once he starts the car, he takes a quick look in the rear view mirror and then he's gone.

Time to fix what he broke.

AN: At this point, I think I have one full chapter left plus an epilogue / timestamp. The epilogue will be a brief look into the future, the timestamp would address how Dean spent the time after Cas' disappearance and before Thomas showed up on his doorstep.