There was a certain garden near the wall that I would often go to. It was a small secluded grove of young bamboo shoots artificially placed around an equally artificial koi pond. At the far side, near the wall was an extremely ancient camphor tree that had, over the years, grown and partially broken down the old laid stones. It was far too old and sacred for anyone to cut it down in good conscience. Its old knotted roots and branches were helpful if I ever wanted to leave the Inside unnoticed.

Something about the garden itself spoke to me. No matter how hard the Sohma tried to tame and manicure this tree, it always kept growing and never yielded to anyone or anything. Especially the barriers put up by man.

I vaulted myself up, climbing on to a large twisted branch that overlooked the pond. There weren't actually that many Koi left in the pond. The grounds keepers tended to neglect this area. It was a sub-area where people are kept within the wall out of reluctance. Several other un-cursed children lived here, while most were cast outside of the walls unless they had abilities that would be of use.

I sat there in the silence, singing softly to the breeze. Old songs, ancient songs, songs that most had completely forgotten.

"What is that song called?" Hatsuharu's blank eyes were suddenly looming over me. He was crouching at the base of the branch behind me.

"Haru you could have made me fall." My singing always makes me extremely serene. "I don't know. It's one of the ancient songs that the Spirits used to sing. "

"That's right. You're an Utaji."

"It just means that I can hear things that others can't." I said dismissively. Sometimes the spirits of the zodiac would speak or sing, and certain members of the Sohma family are able to hear and repeat. There are several unique abilities present among the Sohmas. Some are skills to be taught like Hatori's memory technique, or they are just something you are born with, like my Empathic abilities. People like me are called "Kiireji" or "ones who can hear". Then we are divided into other groups like Utaji and Hashiji.

I'm not the only one by far, but the only one I know in my generation is Kotoko. That is, I've never seen her. She's the keeper of Oral histories; a Hashiji, and will eventually become a Master of Ceremonies of sorts.

I'm old enough now, I will probably be forced to fulfil my duties soon.

"Is there something you wanted?" I sat up, swinging my legs over the side of the bough.

"Yes, actually." He sat next to me, his eyes falling to somewhere far away.

I waited a moment for him to speak. When he didn't, I nudged him. "...and?"

"...is it okay if I call you nezumi-chan."

"Don't make me push you off this branch." I said without any change in expression.

"...Yuki won't let me call him that either."

"I wonder why." I rolled my eyes. "C'mon, do I really look that much like Yuki? It's annoying."

"...you look...meaner."

"...I hope that wasn't meant to be a compliment."

"It was."

I sighed. From what I could tell, if I didn't grow my hair out I would be easily mistaken for him. Sometimes I think that I only scowled so much because I hoped it would magically change my face into something different.

Then again, I could just try smiling more.

"Kanae."

"Hatsuharu." I narrowed my eyes at him.

"What is it that you're really angry about?" I was a little blindsided by the question, especially since I didn't really have an answer.

"Are you mad at Yuki?"

"...no." I decided.

"Then who? Your mother?"

"I've never met her, so how can I really blame her?"

"Akito?" Though my heart went cold at the mention of his name, I wasn't sure if it were him either. I just shook my head.

"Then who?"

"Why do you need to know?"

He shrugged.

"Well thanks for wasting my time." I grumbled.

Haru then decided to speak, his eyes looking off. "I at least think, that if you don't hate someone, you should let them know. So they won't just going on thinking that you do. "

I raised an eyebrow. "Well, I don't think any of them really care what I think of them."

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Not really…" My gaze fell to the ground. "I don't need to meet my birth mother. I already have a mother."

"Then, can you at least talk to Yuki?"

"Why is this so important to you?"

"I just don't think you should run away from anything."

I glared again. "That still doesn't answer my question, Haru."

He got up suddenly, swinging himself to a lower branch, holding a hand back towards me. "C'mon, let's go see him."

"Who?"

"Yuki." He blinked. "Rin can't make it today, so I need another lookout."

"…Lookout?" I followed him in curiosity, lithely navigating to the ground besides him.

"Yes. Yuki is locked inside the main house, and he shouldn't be alone for too long."

"Locked? By who? And where?"

"By Akito, in what he calls Yuki's "Special Room"."

Another chill ran up my spine. I swallowed. "…What if we get caught?"

"We don't."

I have always hated the inside of the main house. It was too clean, too perfect; and always deathly silent; like a crypt. We crept along the hallways, dodging maids and the like. The dark passages seemed to go on forever. Twisting and turning, I was surprised that Haru wasn't as hopelessly lost as I was, but after a while; I picked up on a familiar aura, and realised that he was actually lost.

"Haru." I whispered. "Yuki is this way!" I grabbed his wrist, leading him away. Thankfully he didn't protest.

I kept going, feeling Yuki's Aura grow stronger, but only slightly. It turned out that we were actually quite close, and Yuki himself was just weak.

The coast was clear, and we let ourselves in.

I had to keep myself from gasping too loudly. Yuki was there, but only just. He was curled into a minuscule ball, his Kimono drooping lifelessly around his frail form. He didn't seem to hear us coming. Haru approached him readily, touching him lightly. There was no response.

I took a step closer. "Is he asleep?" I asked.

"I think…unconscious is a better word for it. " he said gravely. As I neared, I could hear that Yuki's breathing was shallow, and his skin wassomehow even paler than usual.

Haru turned back to Yuki, with the closest thing to an actual emotion I'd ever seen him express. He was worried, truly worried.

Suddenly, Yuki stirred. His eyes cracked open. "H-Haru?" I clapped my hands over my mouth, side-stepping from his line of sight. "Yeah I'm here and so is-" he looked at me, and I shook my head. For some reason I didn't want him to know I was here. "...Rin is too."

Yuki didn't even have the strength to look for "Rin", he just let his head flop down, when it was caught by Haru. Without words, he helped poor Yuki lie down. I thought I saw him mutter something, but couldn't make it out. I only saw Haru nod solemnly.

Both of their auras together was a bit much for me to handle, so I decided to actually fulfil my duties as look out and go watch the hallway.

My heart was racing, all of the pain that I felt from Yuki, it was far too much for one child, no, one person to handle.

From the end of the hallway, I heard footsteps, and a particularly malignant Aura. My heart started beating even faster. There was only one person who could have an Aura like that.

I whipped around, gesturing to Haru wildly. "We have to go!" I grabbed his wrist, dragging him away. I didn't risk another look at Yuki. I didn't need to be a Juunishi to fear Akito. He ruled us all, and had gone out of his way several times to let me know that I was worthless and unwanted.

"...Haru, what did he say to you?" I asked him after we had escaped the house.

He was even more distant now, his hands shoved in his pockets. "Haru?"

"He...he told me that he wanted to get out. That he couldn't take it anymore."

"So...this has happened before?"

"Yes, all the time." He stated almost sadly. "Like I said before, normally I go with Rin. I just can't stand the thought of Yuki being all alone in there for so long."

"I still don't understand...Is it some sort of punishment?"

"Yeah." He paused, looking up at the sky. "He's Akito's "Favourite". And he'll put Yuki in there whenever he's been "Bad"." He looked at me. "Can you help me?"

I blinked. "With...what?"

"Getting Yuki out of Sohma House."

"I don't see how I could be of help. I'm still stuck here myself, and I'm not even cursed." I shrugged. "I don't even think it's possible. The only cursed one to live Outside is Kyou and he's well...the cat."

Haru's face formed a thoughtful expression. "Wait, there is one other."

"Huh?"

"Shigure. He lives on the outside."

"But he was personally banished, by Akito. And Yuki is Akito's favourite."

"It's worth a shot."

"What is?" I asked.

"Asking Shigure if Yuki can live with him."

"But, doesn't Akito have to still give approval anyway?"

"You saw how he looked in there. I have to try. "

I nodded, my heart sinking at the memory of him. I knew that the Sohmas held dark secrets, but this... It made my stomach turn to think of the other atrocities committed here, and that I would soon be bound here as well.

"Come with me to the banquet this year."

"Why on earth would I do that? I'm not going to another one until I'm forced to."

"I think that you should confront your mother. It might help."

"Or it might not." I sped up a little walking a head of him towards the wall where my house was.

"But how else will you know, unless you try."

I paused, looking back at him. "It's still many months away."

He shrugged. "I'll be seeing you then." He turned around, waving as he left.

I didn't ponder it for long, I just left to go home as intended. There was really no use in prolonging the inevitable, I would eventually be dragged back to the Banquets soon enough. It would be even better to try and tackle my other daemons while I'm at it.

That night, I dreamt I was in a dark place, held captive by my fear; whilst Akito loomed over me, holding a cage.

I ended up following through that year-end, but I arrived a bit late since Misaki had such short notice for my hair. I objected, but there was honestly no stopping that woman.

I easily found my way in, mingling with the extended family. My abilities had become more attuned since I was last here, so it was more vexing this time around. All the extra information made me jumpy and nervous. It was hard to concentrate on anything.

At long last I glimpsed his snow-tipped hair through the crowd. I gravitated towards that familiarity as fast as I could.

"Haru?" I said meekly.

"How dare you!" One of the elder women must have heard me. She slapped me. "Don't call him like he's on the same level as you! Worthless, disrespectful child!"

"Sumimasen, Obaa-sama." The woman left me. Disappearing into the crowd of relatives.

Someone tapped me on the shoulder. And I turned to meet Haru's flat iron gaze.

"H-Hatsuharu-san." I didn't think he really liked being called that.

"I found your Mom." He directed his gaze towards the private sitting rooms. "She's holed up in the far one."

"Okay." I turned to look at him. He was gazing elsewhere. "What, do I just walk in and say "Hi! I'm your daughter!"?" With my experiences with other Sohma adults…

"Yeah, I mean, why not? You are her daughter."

"But she gave me up, Haru. She didn't have any use for an un-cursed child."

"That's what's really messed up about this family." I tried to follow his gaze. He was looking at Yuki. Or maybe Akito. "It's a "curse" for a reason. But for some reason, even those who are free, have to suffer as well." His brows furrowed. "Parents, siblings, friends. It's all just a mess."

"Okaa-san?" I said nervously. Fiddling with my kimono.

"Kana, hello."

"It's Kanae...Actually."

"Don't you know it's rude to correct your elders?" She had the same cold eyes as her sister, and the same greasy platinum-blonde hair, but instead is fell in thick curls, glistening with hairspray.

"Y-yes. Okaa-sama."

"Now, Kako, what is it that you wanted?" She was sickly sweet. Her words coating me in grotesque saccharin.

"I-I just wanted to meet you. I mean, you are my birth mother."

"I am indeed. And you thought you could waste my time?" I suddenly felt like a 3-year old again. Small, scared and helpless.

"I- I am sorry."

"What makes you think that I'd ever want to see you?"

"I j-just."

"Just stop your pathetic babbling before I get a migraine." She looked at me with a malicious glare. You probably want to know why. Ask me why,child!"

"W-wh-"

"You were my chance!" She stood up at this. Looming over me, with frightening anger. "With you, came the opportunity to finally surpass my sister! And you failed me! I have no use for you! And no desire to call you my daughter! Get out of my sight!" I staggered away. Out of the house, again. Running to my place near the wall.

Even though I told myself, over and over again, that I didn't care about her; it still hurt. It had to after all. Knowing that my own flesh and blood would reject me like that. It hurt, a deep pulsing pain that I wished would go away. It was somehow easier to be drowned in the emotions of others, those would surly fade. But the ones I felt inside myself, were not so conveniently transient.

In the dark, the moon glinting sadly off of the abandoned koi bond. I could almost forget its tragic beauty in this light. The tall weathered camphor tree was welcoming like an old friend.

I vaulted myself into the branches, picking my favoured one, sitting at its base and leaning up against the rough bark. After a while, I saw a figure emerfe from the main house Hair as white as the moonlight. "So how'd it go?" he called up to me as he began to climb.

I coughed, realising that my throat was thick with years. "Do you think I'd be here if it went well?"

I scooted over to make room for him next to me. "Perhaps you were so overcome with joy that you needed to be alone?" His blank face cocking to the side.

"Why are you here? I thought you'd have gone to be with Isuzu-san."

"She's in the hospital again. I was just sneaking out to see her."

"Then go. She needs you more than me."

"I wanted to at least check on you." He turned his blank gaze on me. Washing me in his peculiar serenity. Back then I never could understand him. Hell, I still don't truly understand him.

But, I could feel myself, slipping, to a place, where I always wanted to be near him. As logically insane as it was. That's really how love seems to work.

He was gone as swiftly as he arrived. He didn't encourage me to return, or tell me to cheer up, not directly. I guess that's just how he goes about things.

When I returned home, Misaki was up waiting for me. Reading a book with some tea.

She looked up. "Kanae? Is something wrong?"

"No, I'm fine M-" I stopped myself. Misaki wasn't my mom. My real mother was a selfish person who conceived me out of greed and spite. Misaki was something much better. "...Misaki...I promise." I gave her a smile as I walked past her to go to my bedroom. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Perhaps it was a mistake, perhaps it was that simple action that began a rift between us; I have no real way of knowing. But the possibility still nags at me. A voice telling me that I should have done more.

That it was my fault.