AN: Wow. You're responses to this story are just astounding! Thank you all so much for your support and kind words. It means so much to me to hear from you all. This story is definitely a labor of love and very close to my heart so to know that people are enjoying it makes me so happy. This chapter gets pretty intense, but I hope you all enjoy it.
Present
Gale is leaning up against the kitchen counter when Katniss arrives home a short while later. Her mother is pacing nervously until her wide, blue eyes land on her eldest daughter, at which time Lily Everdeen freezes.
Katniss shrugs, knowing her mother wants some sort of excuse, but sharing where she was tonight would really only make matters worse right now so instead she lies. "I had to stay late at work. The next shift was short-staffed, and they needed an extra set of hands for a few hours."
She can see Gale cross his arms over his chest in her peripheral vision, and she knows that he's nowhere near as convinced as her nodding mother.
"Of course," Lily sighs with relief, her shoulders sagging as she does, giving away her exhaustion. "It didn't even occur to me that you might be there. I thought – I thought that maybe you'd –"
"I know, Mama," Katniss murmurs, placing a hand gently on her back and guiding the older woman upstairs towards her bedroom. "Everything is okay though. I'm here. You should get to bed; it's late."
Lily seems to accept this, leaning over to press a soft kiss to Katniss's temple before ascending the stairs. Gale waits for the soft click signaling that they're alone before starting in on her.
"So are you going to tell me where you really were tonight?" he questions gruffly. His hair is disheveled, and there are dark circles beneath his eyes; he's exhausted that much is clear.
"Why are you here again?" Katniss retorts tiredly as she drops into a chair at the kitchen table, propping her heels up on the chair across from her. She's avoiding his question and they both know it. If there's one bad thing about being best friends since they were in diapers, it's that Gale can read her like an open book.
"Your mom sounded like she might do something rash if I left her here alone, so I came," he reminds her, lifting her feet and taking the seat across from her before replacing them on his lap. "Who the hell were you with that you don't want me to know about it?" His grey eyes narrow, searching her for any tick that might give her secret away, but she crosses her arms stubbornly across her chest and looks at the wall behind him.
"I know I screwed up, okay?" she replies softly. "I didn't mean to fall asleep and be out so late. It won't happen again."
She feels as though she's being reprimanded. This is the sort of interaction that she should be having with her father, not her best friend.
"Catnip?" he questions in that tone — the one that she can't deny no matter how hard she tries.
Her silver eyes flit towards him, meeting his own in question.
"It's a guy, isn't it? Why are you keeping him a secret?"
He's hit the nail on the head, and her cheeks flush as she ducks her gaze. She shrugs silently, staring at her fingers laced together. There's no point in trying to deny that there is a him; Gale would call her out in a second.
Gale sighs softly, reaching a calloused hand out to cover hers. She hesitates before gaining the courage to look up again, finding the concern she expected to see in his eyes.
"You remember what happened last time."
It's not a question. Of course she remembers. How could she forget? Her last relationship had left her shattered for months, a shadow of her former self. She'd sworn to herself she'd never do that again, yet here she is.
"Are you sure you want to go there again?" he asks softly, his tone nonjudgmental but worried all the same.
"I don't think I have much of a choice," Katniss whispers before finally admitting to herself, "I'm already in too deep."
Her wide, grey eyes search his for some answer to the mess that she's gotten herself into. She's not like other girls her age. Peeta doesn't even know what he's getting himself into, and she should really spare him from the chaos that her life has become, but she can't find the strength in her to just walk away.
"I really like him, Gale," she confesses, her words barely audible in the silent kitchen, but she knows he's heard her when his grip tightens over her hands.
"Then if he's worth it, he'll stay. You shouldn't hide everything, Catnip."
Katniss frowns. She can only hope that Peeta won't be scared away easily. She wouldn't fault him if he walks away once he learns all of her secrets, but she's not sure she'd be able to recover from it. Last time she let someone in, a disaster; she's not sure she could handle losing Peeta the same way.
"You need to have someone around that you can talk to. What's the point of keeping the guy around if it's just going to make you keep more secrets?" Gale questions, breaking the contemplative silence that has settled between them. Katniss looks up curiously, but he just gives her that knowing smirk. "I'm not here as much as I was; I know that, Katniss. I'm not such a shitty friend that I don't realize that Madge is taking up more of my attention lately."
"I didn't blame you –"
"I'm not saying that you did," he interrupts her before she can finish, "but you still need someone to vent to. It's not healthy to keep everything bottled up. Didn't they ever teach you that during nursing school?"
He levels her with a pointed look and she can't help the smile that pulls at her lips. If there's one thing she's always been able to count on, it's Gale's no-nonsense attitude when it comes to calling her out on her bullshit.
"How is Madge?" she questions, watching the tender smile that overtakes him at the mention of his new fiancée's name. He had bought the ring over a year before he actually grew the balls to ask her, and Katniss still has no clue why it took him so long. They're a great match for one another: Madge is quiet and grounded, but she can give Gale what-for when his temper is out of line, which is more often than not, in Katniss's opinion.
"She's good," he admits contentedly. There is always such a softness about him where Madge is concerned. "She's planning like crazy for the wedding, but she seems to be enjoying herself."
She nods, pulling her feet from his lap and standing, hoping to end this night soon so she can go collapse in bed. Gale follows her lead but grabs her hand before she can turn away from him.
"You're good, Catnip, but not that good. I'm not going to forget that you haven't told me a thing about him." His grey eyes search her face intently, but she refuses to give anything up.
Kaniss shrugs. "I'm just not there yet, Gale. You'll learn about him when I'm ready."
Her tone closes the discussion for now. Leaning forward, he briefly presses a kiss to the crown of her head before slipping past her towards the front door.
"You'll take care then?" he questions, his face serious. He worries too much about her. "You'll call if you need anything. Even if you just need a night off and you don't want to leave your mom alone?"
Katniss rolls her eyes but nods, "I will. Or I could call Prim so I don't have to bother you."
He snorts at this. "We both know you'll never call and ask Prim to come hurry back here to take care of your mom. Asking me is enough of a stretch of the imagination."
"Fine," she relents as he steps out the door, "I'll call you if I need you, alright?"
Gale gives her a smug grin before waving goodbye and heading to his truck parked along the curb. Katniss finds herself shaking her head slightly as she turns off the kitchen light and makes her way to bed. It's not likely she would call Gale up just so she could have a night alone with Peeta. She'd never hear the end of his taunting, and she's not about to give him a free pass to poke fun at her.
…
16 Years Old
Katniss's eyes flit towards the door as the school principal silently signals for her history teacher to come closer. They murmur quietly to one another for a few moments, both adults turning away slightly so their lips can't be read by curious students. She looks around to see that she's not the only student whose interest has been piqued.
The principal turns back towards the class once he's finished speaking with her teacher and his eyes land on her. "Miss Everdeen, I need to see you in my office right away."
She stands slowly and heads towards the door, but he stops her with a quick gesture and somberly directs, "Gather your belongings; you won't be coming back."
Her classmates all turn to stare at the quiet, slight, dark-haired girl that they've never really taken all that much notice of until this moment. A round of 'ooohs' echoes throughout the room, and Katniss doesn't doubt for a minute that there will be rumors flying about what indiscretions she's committed before school finishes for the day.
The principal's leather shoes click down the hallway in front of her while she silently follows in his wake. He doesn't say a word until they both enter his office and Katniss notes the school's guidance counselor tucked away in the corner. Instantly she knows she doesn't want to be here; she's trapped. The hairs on the back of her neck prickle as she backs away towards the door once more.
"Katniss," the guidance counselor starts in that calm, sympathetic tone that grown-ups all seem to have mastered, "There's been an accident –"
Her vision goes hazy as darkness encroaches, but Katniss blinks several times, dragging a couple deep breathes before the haze starts to retreat again. An accident. What does that even mean? She only hears pieces of what the woman in front of her is saying now.
" – your father collapsed at work—" Her heart beats frantically in her chest as though trying to keep both her and her dad alive. " – was rushed to Capitol Memorial –" She needs to leave; her family needs her now. " – emergency surgery –" She shakes her head. She can't believe this is actually happening.
"I need to go," she chokes out the words before walking out of the office. A hand closes around her arm when she's already halfway down the hallway, and she tries to wrench herself from its grasp. Where is Prim? She needs to get her baby sister. Their dad needs them.
"Your uncle is on the way to pick you up, Katniss," the counselor says, twisting her face into a look of practiced sympathy as though she's trying to prove that she knows how the younger girl is feeling. Bile rises in her throat and she just knows she's going to puke. Katniss runs from the woman to the nearest bathroom before slamming herself into a stall and heaving, losing the entire contents of her meager lunch.
She's not sure how much time passes before a heavy set of footsteps echo against the tiled walls and a loud knock reverberates around the stall. She's still clinging to the porcelain bowl, staring blankly at the years of old graffiti on the tan stall wall.
"Come on, kid," Uncle Haymitch's gruff voice carries through the thin walls. "We need to get to the hospital. Your mom's already there, and she's a mess."
But Katniss can't go because she just has this terrible feeling in her gut that things aren't going to be okay. Things haven't been okay in a long time, and if she loses her father today, she isn't sure she'll be able to get through it. He is her rock; he's the only thing that has been keeping their family afloat through her mother's episodes. If she goes to the hospital, then that means all of this is real, and she's not ready for that yet.
When she doesn't respond for several minutes, Haymitch's fist comes down harder, shaking the stall. "Katniss! Let's go! You know your mom can't handle being there alone. All the stress is going to set her off."
Her nerves fray at the very thought that she should be more concerned about her mother right now. Why does everything always revolve around Lily Everdeen? Her father is fighting for his life, and she's supposed to be worried about her mother losing her mind again?
"Katniss?"
It's Prim's frail voice that brings her back to reality. Poor, sweet Prim who must be even more terrified than Katniss is. Somehow her body begins to move and she opens the door. She glares wordlessly at her drunken uncle before following him out to his beat-up station wagon. Prim's hand finds its way into hers, and neither sister is able to let go for the entire ride to the hospital.
Haymitch speaks with their mother in hushed tones when they find her huddled up in the surgical waiting room. The older woman looks like she's aged years since Katniss left for school this morning. Haymitch keeps looking over at the girls every so often, his grey eyes filled with a concern Katniss has never seen in them before, but her own mother never spares them a glance.
It is hours before a doctor in scrubs comes out wringing a facemask between his hands. He speaks softly to her mother, but Katniss's stomach drops when she takes in his face. This man doesn't bring any good news for them. She watches as Lily Everdeen collapses into the nearest chair and the doctor settles in beside her. Haymitch remains standing, scrutinizing the scene before him with a frigid scowl that looks so much like his elder niece's.
Katniss gently lifts Prim's head from her lap where she cried herself to exhaustion earlier this evening. The grown-ups don't notice her approach until it's too late and she hears what they're discussing.
"We attempted the reperfusion, but there was already so much damage to the tissue by the time we got in…" the doctor trails off before softly adding, "It's really a miracle he even made it to the hospital alive, Mrs. Everdeen."
Her throat feels like it's caving in and she can't breathe. A ringing starts in her ears, getting louder with each beat of her heart.
"I know this is a lot to take in, but your husband is still a full code right now, meaning we will do everything in our powers to try and save him. I think when he wakes up from anesthesia you should seriously discuss DNR status. His heart won't be able to sustain his body for very long given the damage. You need to decide whether he wants us to try and bring him back when his heart does give out or if he wants us to let him go peacefully."
A hand snaps to her mouth and Katniss backs away with a whispered, "No."
It's quiet, but not quiet enough to evade her uncle's sharp ears. Pain flashes behind his gaze when his eyes land on her, but Katniss is already hurrying away, somewhere where no one will hear her scream because it's building and boiling and bubbling up and she's about to lose it just like her mother always does. Maybe they're more alike than she ever would have cared to admit.
She tries to push him away when his arms wrap tightly around her. Somehow she made it outside the hospital near the garage where the ambulances are all parked. One is idling nearby and the engine echoes loudly in the stark space, but her screams pierce the air all the same.
"Let go!" she shrieks, tearing blindly at the sleeves of his shirt as she tries to free herself from his grip. "I don't want you! Leave me alone! I hate you!"
Eventually her screams dissolve into one prolonged, sad moan before she collapses into his chest and lets his arms hold her up as she weeps into his shirt. He smells of stale whiskey and Katniss is sure he hasn't showered in a week, but right now he's the only one holding her by a thin thread, keeping her from drifting off into insanity.
"Shh," he breathes against the crown of her head, "shh, sweetheart. I'm so sorry."
The sobs wrack her entire body until she is exhausted, until there are no more tears to be shed. Her body is dried out. She is numb from the pain and the terror of what the future now holds for her.
"Haymitch, what's going to happen?" she asks piteously, hoping he'll have a different answer than the only one she can think of – a better one.
The sorrow in the look he gives her tells her everything she needs to know. Her father is going to die.
A few days later, she can hardly remember what life was like before she lived at the hospital. The stark, white hallways have become far too familiar. The nurses all know her by name. She hates it.
Levophed. That's the name of the drug that hangs from the IV pole now, dripping slowly. It's the only thing keeping her father alive. It keeps his blood pressure high enough to sustain life, the nurses tell her. But it won't work forever. Her father's heart is too weak.
The left side of his heart took the brunt of the damage. That's the side that pumps the blood out to the rest of his body and maintains a blood pressure. Without it, he won't have good enough blood flow to his vital organs to stay alive. It's only a matter of time; she can see it in the way the nurses and doctors look at him.
A nurse comes in now to check the line that leads into his artery. It's called hemodynamic monitoring. It lets them know how well the drug is working. Katniss has decided she's learned far too much about anatomy and medical science in the last several days, but every nurse seems intent on explaining exactly what they're doing and why they're doing it.
She couldn't care less because none of it will save her only hero.
They said this had been happening inside his body for a long time, that the plaque has probably been there for years and it just now occluded the entire vessel on that hot summer day while he was working in the factory. But Katniss still catches herself wondering if the stress of looking after her mother was what finally got to him.
Her father doesn't wake up often; his body is too worn out to do much other than exist, so when his eyes flutter open this morning, Katniss's heart swells with a bittersweet happiness.
"Hey," he greets, glancing quickly towards the board that has the date and the name of the day-nurse taking care of him, "I missed your birthday, didn't I?"
She looks to the board and realizes that she turned sixteen yesterday. She spent the day in the hospital, but yesterday was a bad one and her father didn't wake up at all. She had completely forgotten about the important date.
"Where are your mother and Prim?" he questions. He looks so frail in the bed, but he smiles brightly when she tells him they're down in the cafeteria for lunch. "Good. I want some time alone with my birthday girl."
Katniss tries to give him a smile, but it falters on her lips. She just can't find the energy to pretend that everything is okay.
"Gosh," he whispers after a silent moment, reaching out a cool hand to her cheek, "when did you grow up? I swear it was just yesterday I was helping you into your little red coat."
She chuckles half-heartedly. "I loved that coat."
"I know." He smiles contentedly, his grey eyes crinkling at the corners just before tears start to well in them. "I'm so sorry, Katniss."
She shakes her head, biting her lower lip to hold back the tears that she swears she should have run out of by now but somehow just keep coming. "What are you sorry about? You didn't do anything, Daddy."
"I – " He sighs heavily, the tears finally flowing down his cheeks. "I just wish I didn't have to leave you so soon. I wanted to be there for you while you grew up."
Katniss has never seen her father cry before. She hates it.
"Don't be like that," she admonishes with a shaky voice as she wipes softly at his tears with the pads of her thumbs, "Don't act like you're going anywhere."
The heartbreaking smile he gives her will haunt her for the rest of her life, of that she is certain.
"I love you so much, Katniss," he says softly, reaching out for her hand and holding on tightly. "I wish I could stay, but I think we both realize that this—" He lifts his arm to show the IV site that the Levophed is running into. "—is the only thing keeping me around right now. And I know you've heard what the doctors keep telling me and your mother."
Another couple days maximum. He won't see the end of this week.
Her face crumples as the words repeat themselves in her mind. He tugs at her hand, and she climbs into bed beside him, taking care not to pull any of the many wires or tubes connected to his failing body.
"Come here, baby," he murmurs, pulling her as close as possible and snuggling her under his chin like he always used to when he would read her bedtime stories. "Just try not to be too sad forever, alright? I know you, and I know you'll be sad for a long time, but I don't want you to be afraid to be happy one day."
"I'd be happier with you," she cries against the awful green hospital gown covering his chest.
"I know," his voice trembles, and she's sure that if she lifted her head to look up at him he would be crying again. "I know, and I would be too, but I don't think we get that as an option."
She clings to him, afraid that if she starts to pull away, even for a fraction of a second, he might be taken away from her for good. She's not ready to lose him. She doesn't know how she can navigate this world by herself.
"Just look out for your mother and sister for me," he whispers tiredly. A stab of guilt strikes her as she realizes that this whole conversation is probably taking its toll on his body, quickly wearing him out. "And let your uncle help you. It won't be charity, okay? He's family."
"Okay," she whimpers, trying her hardest to sound brave though she sure that neither of them is fooled.
They make the decision to stop the Levophed drip the next day and Katniss can practically hear his heart give out as the minutes pass. But maybe that's just her own heart falling apart and then turning to stone as his body turns cold and he leaves this world, and her, behind.
…
Present
Katniss wakes feeling numb and exhausted, something she's come to expect over the years. Her birthday has never been the same without him. There's a message waiting for her on her phone from Prim, who woke up early just to wish her a happy birthday before heading to the hospital for rounds.
She avoids celebrating her birthday in every way she can and Prim seems to be the only one left on this earth determined to fight her on the matter. Uncle Haymitch gave up on that years ago and her mother usually doesn't ever make it out of bed. In fact she usually spends most of this week in bed every year. There's something about the vivid memory of her father's death that drains any happiness she might get from the day.
This morning her mother's door is shut and the house is quiet as she pads down the hallway to the bathroom. It looks as though no amount of medication will ever alter Lily Everdeen's behavior surrounding the anniversary of her husband's death, but even Katniss admits that it's probably too much to ask for. After all, she's never handled the date well herself.
She mulls about the house for most of the day, cleaning the already clean counters and reorganizing her DVD collection by year of release rather than alphabetically. It doesn't do much to keep her mind occupied, however, and by the time dinner rolls around, she's ready to tear her hair out by the roots. Damn her manager for giving her today of all fucking days off. Normally she works just so she doesn't have to sit around thinking about everything.
There's a bar a short drive from her house, and Katniss decides that is the perfect place to spend her godforsaken birthday. By the time the sun sets, she's already several rounds in and just as miserable drunk as she was sober.
The bartender keeps eyeing her when he comes to refresh her glass of rum, her poison of choice since the day she turned seventeen and snuck some from Haymitch's collection all those years ago.
"You have tequila here?" she slurs out, leaning forward on the counter to be heard over the ridiculous country music blaring over the speakers. The rum just isn't doing enough for her tonight. She wants to be fucking snowed out. She wants to wake up tomorrow feeling like death—because that's what the day will already bring.
"Sure, babe." He grins as he reaches for the tall bottle of the clear drink. She cringes at his tone, certain that he thinks there's a chance in hell that he'll get tail tonight.
"Make it a double," she adds. She'd rather not remember tonight at all if this guy is going to be a part of it.
At some point, things just blur out. Katniss doesn't know where she is or why she's there anymore. In fact, she's not even sure she has a body at all. A cool hand wraps around her clammy arm and pulls her out of her seat at the bar.
It's not until a chilly burst of air hits her face that she realizes she needs to puke. Desperately so. Her stomach heaves, and luckily there's a potted shrub near where she's standing. It burns like hell, but her body doesn't stop until there's nothing left in her stomach. She looks up and sees an older woman standing beside her, probably the hand that pulled her out here in the first place.
"Who are you?" she asks, her words barely coherent even to her own ears, but somehow the other woman understands.
"I'm the other bartender and you're cut off," she states sharply. "I can't believe that idiot kept giving you more when you're white as a sheet. You need to call a ride to take you home. I've got your keys with me at the bar. Whoever comes to pick you up can get them from me when they get here."
With that, the woman steps back through the open door to the bar and leaves Katniss to her own devices. The night is calm but not overly warm; however she's still drenched with sweat. That's how she knows she's pretty far gone—that and the fact that she can't remember the last hour or two.
She pulls out her phone and decides to bite the bullet sooner rather than later. The phone rings several times before it picks up, "Katniss?"
"Jo, I need you to come get me," she says, her tongue heavy and thick, making it harder and harder to speak.
"I can't," Johanna replies, her tone laced with concern. "Katniss, where the hell are you? You don't sound normal. Are you drunk?"
"Yes," she admits in a tiny voice as she leans against the wall of the bar and sinks down to the ground. "I need to leave."
"Did you try Gale?" she asks. "I picked up extra at work because they were short-staffed tonight. I can't leave or I'd be there in a second."
"He's on a trip with Madge," Katniss says and is completely mortified by the tremor in her voice. She sounds as though she's about to cry. "It's okay, Jo, I'll figure something out, alright? Don't worry."
She hangs up before her friend can hear the sobs that start to choke her. Her phone begins ringing almost instantly, but she doesn't look at it. Katniss can't stand the thought of anyone hearing her like this. Jo's seen her drunk plenty of times, but she's never seen her cry.
Several people walk by her as they leave the bar and they all whisper quietly as they pass the pathetic, crying, drunk girl. She's too far-gone to even care though. At this point, she just wishes the ground would open up and she could die.
A car pulls up to the curb sometime later, and she doesn't think much of it until a set of leather shoes with double-knotted laces step into her vision. She wipes hastily at her eyes, but the tears fall as quickly as she can wipe them away so it doesn't do much good. Her gaze only makes it to his hands before she realizes exactly who is standing in front of her, and she hates herself all the more for it.
"Katniss," Peeta murmurs softly as he lowers himself to one knee so he can meet her gaze. His blue eyes search her face and she looks away, unable to stand the pity she finds there. "Hey," he reaches out, lifting her chin with a finger and forcing her to look at him again, "are you okay?"
His words shatter her like a hammer to glass. "No," she chokes out in a sob.
His brow furrows, marring the otherwise smooth expanse of his forehead. Katniss hates that she makes him so worried. He takes her hands in his and lifts her to her feet with ease. She sways unsteadily, but he wraps an arm around her waist before guiding her to his car and settling her into the seat.
"M – my keys," she manages to stutter.
Peeta somehow understands what she means and hurries inside, returning a moment later with the silver ring dangling from his finger. Around the time he starts the car and pulls away from the curb, Katniss has to close her eyes to keep everything from spinning around her. The darkness takes her away then into a blissful unconsciousness that doesn't hold any dreams or memories.
…
It's still dark when Katniss opens her eyes. She shifts slightly to look around despite the headache splitting through her skull right now. The clock says 4:30. How long has she been out?
A set of arms tighten around her waist and she freezes, looking over her shoulder into a set of eyes that are still a brilliant blue in the dim lighting of the room.
"Hey," he greets, his voice still rough with sleep, a sound that makes her body perk up considerably. "Welcome back."
"What happened?" she questions, pressing her fingers to her puffy eyes, still gritty from all her tears. She still remembers all the tears from earlier at least, although everything else seems to have disappeared from her memory. "Did we – what did we do?"
He snorts softly, releasing her waist as she sits up, trying to maintain what little dignity she has left. "Nothing. Although, you were pretty determined there for a little while. Luckily you passed out again before you could get my pants undone. I don't think my way with words was ever going to persuade you to stop."
"Oh, fuck," she mutters, her cheeks flaming with embarrassment. It wouldn't be the first time she'd thrown herself at an attractive guy when she was trashed, and Peeta is definitely attractive.
He laughs easily, sounding not at all bothered by her horrid display. He's still fully dressed, she observes, in spite of her best efforts at disrobing him apparently. The blue button down he's wearing is one she's never seen before and the charcoal pants cling nicely to the thick muscles of his thighs.
She frowns when a thought occurs to her. "How did you find me? You're dressed like you were working."
"I was. Am, actually," he says with a gentle smile, one that shows his amusement but doesn't give her the impression that he's making fun of her. "I'm still on call, but it's been a pretty quiet night as far as pages go. The ER must be slow. I ran into Johanna as I was finishing up rounds earlier this evening and she asked if I could go get you. You had her really worried."
"Well, thanks for picking me up. And sorry that I – sorry for whatever I did while I was blacked out," she apologizes, tugging anxiously at her messy braid.
Peeta surprises her with a smile, though, as a hand finds her waist, tugging her closer to him once again on the couch. "Believe me, I didn't mind it." He shrugs bashfully. "I've just made it a point not to do anything with a girl who's basically unconscious."
Katniss buries her face in her hands with a mortified groan while he does his best to hold back a throaty chuckle. She deserves to be laughed at. Of course she would go and make a complete fool of herself in front of the first guy who's shown an interest in her in ages. And one who she works with, no less.
He rubs his hand over her back comfortingly. "Are you alright, Katniss?" he questions. She knows he's not just asking about the hangover.
Her grey eyes meet his, and they stare at one another for a long moment before she sighs. "I really don't want to talk about it tonight, Peeta."
"Talking about it might help," he reasons softly, concern rooted deep in that gaze that seems to look right into the depths of her.
"Not tonight it won't," she argues, leaning forward quickly and pressing her lips to his. She gets the distinct feeling that Peeta's not going to let this go without a fight, but her brain just can't handle that sort of conversation on top of the splitting headache she's enduring right now.
The sky outside is starting to lighten with the first signs of dawn as she places a hand over his chest and presses him back against the cushions of the couch. His eyes darken and the tip of his tongue appears just long enough to lick his lips before disappearing again. The sight sends a spear of heat through her core, and her hand tangles in his tousled curls before she even thinks about what she's doing.
"Can I just stay here a few more hours? Can we go back to sleep?" she asks timidly. She wouldn't really blame him if he insisted on taking her home. She did show her true colors tonight after all. She wouldn't fault him if her display freaked him out. "I just really don't want to go home right now."
He nods, letting a deep breath out through his nose as he sinks back into the cushions further before pulling her across his chest. "I think that sounds like a pretty great idea," he agrees, surprising her with a pleased grin, "because, if we're being honest I really don't want you to leave right now."
She snuggles in against the warmth of his chest and breathes in the earthy scent that is entirely Peeta, once again wondering when she got in this far over her head. They're silent for a good long while, and Katniss begins to think that he has fallen asleep when he gives a deep sigh.
"You still awake?" he whispers and she nods against him.
"I have a terrible headache," she admits, reveling in the way his chest vibrates beneath her while he laughs.
"I bet you do," he agrees, his thumb pressing little circles into her hipbone. "What were you drinking anyway?"
She groans into his chest and doesn't miss the way he shivers when she does. "Everything. Mostly rum."
"Huh. I would have pegged you as more of a vodka type of girl."
"Not since the day I passed my nursing boards," she says with a grimace. "Never again."
Peeta laughs openly, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.
"We've all had one of those nights," he admits with a hearty chuckle. "Mine was with Everclear."
"Ouch," she whispers, letting her finger trail over the smooth buttons of his shirt. He gives a throaty hum of agreement, and they fall into silence again while she continues drawing circles around the lower buttons of his shirt now. His abdominal muscles tense under her touch and something skips excitedly deep inside her belly.
"Sorry again for trying to force entry into your pants, Peeta," she apologizes, tugging at the tail of his shirt to emphasize her point.
He lets out a sharp breath, and his hand tightens on her hip. "You wouldn't have to force your way in, Katniss. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I'd just like you to remember it in the morning and I'd rather it actually mean something to you instead of just being a way to forget whatever is bothering you."
She snorts ungracefully. "Is that your way of saying you want me? You are by far the best romancer I've ever met."
Suddenly both of his hands find her hips and he moves her easily so she's perched on top of him, her lithe body laying flat against the taut planes of his.
"I do want you," he says seriously, his blue eyes boring into her strongly enough that she wants to look away, but she finds she can't. "But I want to do it right. I don't want to fuck everything up and have you run away and have everything be awkward between us afterwards."
Her cheeks feel like they're on fire, and finally she drops her gaze to the front of his shirt, staring intently at the fine cotton blend.
"I want to do things right, Katniss," he repeats; his tone tells her he means every word and it terrifies her.
She's accustomed to men trying to use her, to get what they want out of her as quickly as possible before walking out the door. She doesn't know how to deal with this. She doesn't know what to make of the way he's looking up at her right now. She's afraid of what that kind of look could lead to, and she just knows that all he needs to do is kiss her before she'd lose any resolve she still has. Maybe she's not as sobered up as she thought.
Luckily, she's spared from any further conversation when her phone starts ringing in her pocket. One look at the screen and her heart drops. Her mother rarely calls her, even when she goes into a spiral. There's only a handful of times she can remember her mother actually making the effort to get a hold of her, and they always ended up with another hospitalization.
"I have to take this really quick," Katniss says, slipping from her place on top of him and heading for the door. His face flashes with disappointment, but he doesn't argue. Her stomach turns to knots. It's only a matter of time before he gets fed up with all of this – with her always running out on him – and just walks away.
"Mom?" Katniss answers the call as soon as the door is shut behind her, "What's wrong?"
She hears her mother's shallow breathing from the other end of the line followed by a choking noise. Her knuckles whiten against the phone at the sound.
"Ma – mom?" her voice cracks as she chokes against the word. A sob breaks across the line, and her heart is instantly in her throat, racing along with her mind to put together all the possible scenarios.
Finally, after a long pause, her mother sobs, "I don't want to do this anymore, Katniss."
Katniss looks around the empty hallway of the apartment complex as a wave of panic washes over her. Her mother always gets so upset around this time of year, and right now the woman on the other end of the line sounds so completely broken, so hopeless, that her blood turns to ice in her veins.
"Mama, I thought the medicine was helping this time," she says softly, imitating the way her father would always speak to her when she got like this, "I thought you were doing well. This could just be a side effect of the pills, okay?"
"No, Katniss, no it's not," her mother laments. "I've wanted things to be over for a long time now. It would just be easier if they were —"
"Please don't," Katniss whispers, her voice so weak that she's not even sure her mother can hear her on the other end of the line. Everything is crumbling around her, and she can hardly hear over the ringing in her ears.
"I know I've been a burden to you," the other woman says sorrowfully. "You resent me for it. I can see it in your eyes when you look at me."
"Mama, I don't —"
Her mother cuts her off, her tone ragged as the sobs choke her, "You have a right to be angry with me."
"I'm not angry, Mama." Katniss is clutching at her stomach, certain that she's about to be sick.
"I'm going to make things easier for you, sweetheart," she says softly. Katniss can imagine the sad little smile her mother must be wearing as she says it. "I couldn't bring myself to call Primrose and tell her. You can do that for me, can't you, Katniss? Just this one last thing?"
"Mama, don't." The words are just a wheeze really. Katniss can't breathe anymore. Her mother doesn't hear her. Or at least she doesn't respond to the desperate plea.
"I love you, Katniss."
"Mama, don't hang – "
The line goes dead and she nearly drops the phone when she moves it away from her ear to stare at the blank screen. Her fingers work numbly against the screen until the phone dials another number, one she hasn't called in an unreasonably long time, but she knows she needs him now.
The line rings several times while a door opens behind her, but she's too distracted to take note of it.
"Come on. Come on," she whispers. Her heart is still pounding almost painfully against her chest when a click followed by a gruff hello comes from the other end of the line.
"Haymitch?" Her voice is squeaky and she doesn't sound like herself at all, but somehow he knows exactly who he's talking to.
"What is it now, Sweetheart?" he questions tiredly. From the sound of it, she'd guess she just woke him up. The sun is fully risen now, but it still can't be past six in the morning.
"She needs you," she says frantically into the tiny device, "I'm across town and I'm leaving now, but you're closer – "
"I'm on my way," he says shortly. She can hear him rustling about the house before he adds, "I'll be there in five minutes."
The line goes dead, and she lets out a shaky breath before turning around to face a familiar shirt. The same one she was laying on top of only a few minutes ago.
"What's all that about?" Peeta questions in that quiet, even tone he uses with his overly emotional patients, and Katniss knows she must look like an absolute wreck if he's speaking to her like that. "Who's Haymitch?"
The blood drains from her face when she looks up into those stunning blue eyes, finding a look of betrayal. Katniss can't find the words so she shakes her head, pushing past him into the apartment just long enough to grab her keys from the counter before heading for the door again.
Peeta has other plans though, grabbing her bicep as she passes by him, "Katniss, talk to me. What's wrong? What's going on with you?"
"I need to go," she mutters, pulling herself from his grip and heading for the stairwell.
"Katniss!" he shouts, his voice echoing against the empty brick walls as he rushes past her and effectively blocks her path. "You can't keep running off like this."
"I'm sorry."
It's a hollow apology. This is her life and this is exactly why she knew better than to get involved in the first place. She attempts to push past him, but he's twice her size and has no trouble holding her back.
"Is there someone else? Is that what all of this is about – all the secrets, all the running away. Is there another guy waiting for you at home? Is that who Haymitch is?" His words come out an octave higher than normal, and it wrenches Katniss's heart to see the shattered look he gives her.
She shakes her head silently. She figured he'd get sick of her rushing off, but she didn't expect him to assume she was cheating on him. She's not even sure it would be called cheating anyway. It's not as though they've actually sat down long enough to have that talk.
"Then why do you have to go?" he questions, "You can talk to me." His large hand finds her freely trembling one, and the frown on his lips deepens when he feels it.
She shakes her head again, unable to speak. The last time she opened up that much with someone it nearly decimated her. She's not sure she's ready to go through that again. Gently, she tugs her hand, trying to free herself from his grasp, but he holds tight.
Katniss turns to him with a worried scowl, tugging again at her hand. Peeta's free hand finds her cheek, tilting her gaze up to meet his. She's certain he can peer into her soul with those eyes. He can see all of her deepest secrets. He knows everything with just one look.
"I need to go," she pleads, willing him to understand.
"Then let me go with you," he replies softly, taking a step forward and tugging her after him. "Let me drive you. You're probably not even completely sober yet."
Tears spring up in her eyes instantly at his words. She's become so used to worrying about everyone else that she's not accustomed to someone worrying about her. It scares her how much her heart swells when she looks at the man before her.
She bites her bottom lip for a moment until she wills the tears away before whispering, "Just promise you won't leave me once you see. You weren't supposed to find out like this."
His eyes darken with worry, but he nods anyway and leads the way out to his car. "Where are we heading?"
"My place," she answers shortly, "and hurry."
AN: Please feel free to let me know what you thought of the chapter by reviewing or dropping me a line on tumblr. You can find me at therebelliondies dot tumblr dot com. I love hearing what you all are thinking or feeling about the story!
A special thanks to Court81981 for being an awesome beta for not only making this readable but also getting this story back to me in a super speedy fashion. You should check out any of her stories for a fantastic Everlark treat. She's a wonderful writer and great person to boot.