DON'T ATTACK ME WITH YOUR WARLOCK POWERS AND DON'T LET THE LAST THING I SEE BEFORE I DIE BE GLITTER FILLED CHAIRMAN! D: haha! Your review, Baneismyname, made me laugh! so I hope you like this chapter! and please don't attack me? :$

I noticed you guys review more when I leave you with cliffhangers :O Maybe I should make more of those to get more reviews! :D haha! Really, your reactions were priceless! :$ Sorry for making you suffer...but here's an update ;)

I own nothing!

The first thing Alexander Lightwood heard when he woke up was the annoying 'beep' of a machine. He was half-dazed with sleep and slowly started to gain conscious of what was around him. He was on a stranger's bed. It was obvious it wasn't his own, and Alec could tell it wasn't Magnus's either. He then could smell the horrible smell of clean and medicine with identified a hospital. Through his eye-lids he could tell the room he was in was brightly lit, and he was a little afraid of opening his eyes because he knew it would hurt. He opened them, nonetheless. Slowly, blinking a few times to adjust to the light of the room, and he was finally able to look around. He was, indeed, in a hospital which confused his to no end. He didn't remember anything and that scared him a little. And then everything came flooding back to him.

He had woken up early in the morning and had turned towards his phone to check the time. He, however, saw the date and a sudden feeling of sadness and guilt overwhelmed him. That day had been the anniversary of his little brother's death. No matter how many years had passed, or what other told him, he still believed it had been his fault Max had died.

He threw his phone across the room and covered himself with the duvet of his bed. Hot tears started to rain down his cheeks and soon he was sobbing and whimpering and crying for who-knows-how long. Afterwards he stayed on his bed, not being able to get up, for hours until midday came around. His phone had rang a few times but he had ignored it. He stood up around 12:30 and went to get a shower. No matter how bad he wanted to stay in bed all day and be swallowed by self-pity and his own misery, he knew he needed to get to work. So he made his way towards the bathroom and prepared the water for his shower. He then stripped down of his clothes and was ready to hop into the shower when he saw a glimpse of himself in the mirror. He didn't know why he still had a mirror in his bathroom. So many days had it been his worst enemy and it still stood there. When Alec had first moved into this apartment he feared walking into the bathroom because he knew there was a mirror in there. As a matter of fact, it was the only mirror in the whole place. Now Alec tried to ignore it, he had no intention of looking at himself in it, and most of the time he ignored the fact that it was there. But that day Alec had looked at himself in the mirror and everything had gone back to those years back when he had been kicked out of his house.

He looked at himself and shuddered at what he saw. He, by no means, found himself attractive. As a matter of fact, he couldn't believe anyone would classify him as "attractive"…and yet there was Magnus. Alec was really confused about whether Magnus really mean it when he gave Alec all those compliments. Did the designer really think Alec was cute? Hot? Sexy? Alec had started to believe it as the months went by and Magnus still called him that…but what if he was lying? What if he said those things to make Alec stay? Did Alec really mean something to the designer or was it all just a game? Was he someone that Magnus would have fun for some time and then dump? Maybe Magnus only wanted him for sex…but then again, they hadn't even done it yet. Alec was not a virgin, a fact he regretted fondly because he had given himself away to someone who had only stepped over him and walk away. But he couldn't bring himself to sleep with Magnus, and there were many reasons for that. One of them being his insecurities. He knew Magnus would soon realize he wasn't as attractive as the designer claimed he was. Another reason was because he feared Magnus would leave him, like everyone else had done. He could not bear the thought of Magnus dumping him. Without the designer, Alec was lost. The other reason and probably the most important? His scars. His thighs were filled with long, deep, ugly scars that he had created himself all those years since he had discovered he was gay. So many years of self-harm were displayed there and Alec was not proud of it, but it was something he couldn't change. He had started doing it when the pain of knowing his parents wouldn't accept him was too much to bear. At first they had been only a few. The first time he had made five small cuts before throwing the knife away and crying his heart out at what he had just done. But then he had realized that it hadn't even hurt and that it felt so good! So the next week he did it again, and again, and once more. He cut every time he had an argument with his parents, or when he was feeling overwhelmed with the knowledge that no one would accept him. And then he just started doing it randomly and at the most common reasons. When he was stressed, when people teased him, when he found himself checking someone out, or just when he felt the need to. It became like an obsession, and suddenly small cuts weren't enough. So he started to make them bigger, and deeper, and more in number. And then he couldn't hold it anymore and he blurted out he was gay and his parents kicked him out of the house and he moved to this apartment. Alec had never cut his wrists, but then exactly after the one year anniversary of Max's death, Alec felt as if cutting his thighs was not enough, so he cut his wrists. He never cut his wrists again, because there was a huge chance someone would see it. So the only time he ever cut his wrists was when his brother's anniversary came around. On the third anniversary of Max's death, Alec knew cutting wouldn't be enough. The pain was too strong and he was weak, so he drank the sleeping pills he kept on the bathroom cabinet…He had woke up in the hospital because Izzy and Jace had found him passed out on his apartment's bathroom. They were lucky the paramedics were able to save him and stabilize him. He had then promised his siblings we would get help, and went to a rehab for a couple of months and was able to stop cutting…but the scars remained. They were an ugly reminder of how broken Alec was, no matter what appearances said, he was weak and broken beyond repair. And he knew if Magnus ever saw those scars, then he would no longer want him.

So then Alec had taken a shower and moved towards the kitchen of his apartment, feeling like the world was collapsing around him. By now it was 1:20 and he knew he was supposed to meet Magnus for lunch in 10 minutes, but he couldn't bring himself to go there. Alec ignored the ringing of his phone that came from his room. The phone still lay on the floor where he had left it since he had woken up. As he was getting himself something to eat, he received a call on his land-line. It went straight to the voicemail and the voice of a woman came through the speaker of the phone…His father's hearing had been rescheduled and he was free until the time to visit a judge came around. He dropped the glass with juice he was holding. The glass shattered on the floor with a loud 'clang' and the juice spilled all over the furniture and the floor, but Alec didn't care, because he was staring speechless to the phone, not being able to believe what he had just heard. His father was out and free to do whatever he wanted until further notice. And the thought of his father being out there scared him to death. Suddenly, Alec felt overwhelmed with everything that he had been feeling for the past years. The weight of knowing his brother's death was his fault, the weight of his parents blaming him, the weight of his parents not accepting him, the weight of being kicked out, the weight of living on his own and seeing his siblings just a few times a week, the weight of being weak and scarred, the weight of all his insecurities…all of it came crashing down towards Alec and he couldn't handle it anymore. He took a shaky breath, knowing his eyes were filling with tears, but not letting himself cry. He looked around the room wildly, his eyes finding a knife in the counter. He took it without hesitation and moved towards the bedroom. He stripped off the pants he had just putted on and rolled his boxers up. The scars were there, healed but not gone. They all had a year old since the last time he had cut, but now he added new ones. On each leg, long and deep gashes that started to bleed out. And then he slit his wrists, hissing slightly at the sting but then relaxing. He could feel the blood rushing out of each cut he had just made, and he felt guilty for falling once more…but then the feeling of guilt was swallowed by the feeling of sadness and pain he was feeling. And so he stood up with shaky legs and moved towards the bathroom where he found the sleeping pills. He moved to his bedroom as he drank them…and the last thing he remembers is collapsing to the floor as darkness took over.

Alec looked around the hospital room and spotted Izzy sitting down on a uncomfortable looking chair. She was asleep and had her head resting on Clary's shoulder, who was sitting next to her also asleep. It reminded him of the time he had been in a coma for a few days after fighting with his father. But that time, instead of Clary and Izzy it had been Magnus sitting at those chairs. It made him wonder where his boyfriend was, or whether the designer knew he was in here. He didn't know how long he had been out or if Izzy had bothered to call Magnus. He guessed that since the designer wasn't here then he didn't know…but then another thought came into his mind. What if Magnus did know? What if Izzy had called him and he had seen all the scars? What if he had left because he didn't want to be with Alec anymore? The feeling of pain came rushing back and the machine that monitored his heart beat started to beep more rapidly as his heart started to race.

At the sound of the machine, Izzy woke up. She sat up straight and looked around the room, trying to figure out what was going on. At Izzy's movement, Clary woke up as well looking still gazed with sleep. Izzy's eyes turned towards the bed, where he met with Alec's wide open eyes.

"ALEC!" she exclaimed standing up and rushing towards his side. Alec was in the middle of having a panic attack.

"His heartbeat is racing" Clary noted looking at the machine

"Alec…Alec calm down" Isabelle said soothingly as she caressed Alec's hair and face "you're alright…we're here. Everything's fine"

"W-What's going on?" He asked when he managed to calm down "Why am I here?"

"You know why you're here" Izzy told him softly taking his hand in hers.

Alec's eyes traveled towards their joined hands and Alec noticed the bandages that were wrapped around his wrist. His eyes widened and then with his other hand he pulled the covers up to look that his thighs were wrapped in bandages as well.

"Why?" Izzy asked, her voice shaking "Why would you do this again?"

"Iz, I'm sorry" Alec sighed

"Sorry?!" Isabelle cried "Sorry doesn't start to cut it! You tried to kill yourself Alec!"

"I know…and I really am-"

"NO! Don't you dare say you're sorry!" Isabelle exclaimed "Do you know what it feels like?! To get a phone call telling me you're in the hospital because you attempted suicide?! AGAIN?!"

"Isabelle-" Alec sighed but was interrupted once more

"YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO THINK YOUR BROTHER IS DEAD!"

"ACTUALLY I DO!" Alec exclaimed back "I know how it feels to lose a brother! And I also know how it feels to know it's my fault!"

"Guys, let's calm down, yeah?" Clary said softly trying to break the argument between the two siblings.

"I'm sorry for what I did, ok?! I'm sorry for putting you in this position!" Alec continued, his eyes locked with the black eyes of his sister "But don't come claiming that all the pain is on you, Izzy, because it's not! Because compared to you, I don't drink to forget! Or I don't start an argument to ignore my pain. I deal with it as I see fit! AND SOMETIMES IT ISN'T ENOUGH AND I NEED TO END IT!"

Isabelle stared at Alec for a long moment. The room had fell silent with Alec's last statement. The tension was so dense in there it could be cut with a knife. Clary shifted awkwardly on her feet, knowing she had to say something to calm them both, but didn't know what. Suddenly Isabelle spun around and walked towards the door.

"I'm going for air" and she slammed the door closed.

Alec sighed, falling back against his pillows and pulling his hands over his eyes. He groaned in frustration and then turned to look towards Clary who was still standing near the heart-monitor machine.

"I'm sorry" Alec said softly "You shouldn't have been in here while that happened"

"It's alright" Clary shrugged moving to stand next to Alec

"I messed up, didn't I?" Alec sighed "And now Izzy hates me"

"She doesn't hate you" Clary said softly "she's just hurt…She was worried sick for you"

"Was she the one who found me?" Alec asked after a moment of silence

"No" Clary shook her head "We came here just an hour ago"

"Did you called Magnus?" Alec asked softly "D-Did he come?"

"He was the one who found you Alec" Clary whispered and took a seat next to the bed "He called us when you were rushed on the ER…"

"Why is he not here then?" Alec asked, his voice breaking "D-Did he leave?"

"No! Of course not!" Clary exclaimed "Why would he leave you? He's in the waiting room. They didn't let him come. Only family until you were awake"

"Then why are you here?" Alec asked frowning

"I kind of told them I was your sister-in-law" Clary answered shyly.

"So…he's still waiting out there?"

"With Simon" Clary nodded "Would you like me to call him?"

Alec hesitated for a moment. Did he want to see Magnus right now? Yeah, he did…but did he actually wanted to face him? After what he had done? After Magnus had seen his scars?

Alec took a shaky breath and then nodded.

See? I didn't kill Alec and I didn't leave him in a coma :D I'm not that bad haha! Still...a sad chapter :( And I want to congratulate the ones who guessed that Alec self harmed! Well done! :D I had been throwing hints in the story every now and then and some of you caught up, so yeah! :D haha!

I really hope you liked this chapter :$ So please leave your reviews with your thoughts about it! :D Also, favorite and follow ;) Oh and check out my new story "The Jinx Life" which is a collab I'm working on with PhantomxK! :D I promise I'll post the second chapter of that story tomorrow ;) it's midnight here, so there's no way I'm doing it now :P

So yeah! Thank you all!

xx

P.S.

YO! Taylor! Mads-hatter-15's friend...bunions are not weird nor creepy! So if you have a problem with them, you'll have me to answer for ;) haha!