I still don't own Chuck.

Chuck and Sarah have basically spent every day with each other for a year now. In most ways they know each other very well. They fell in love way before either of them could admit it or deal with it. They both came into their relationship with a ton of personal baggage. They have only been a real couple for less than a month. But now they are married. Maybe it's time that they dealt with some of that baggage.

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Dead Demons

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It was a good thing that it was a big boat, because Carina invited her DEA friends to come to Washington with them. Three of the five actually accepted. And since they had just risked their lives on a totally unsanctioned mission for him, how could Chuck object? Besides, the ship had enough room for many multiples of that. The chef assured him that they were well stocked with whatever gourmet food they chose for meals. He was clearly trying to impress his new bosses. He promised a surf and turf dinner fit for a king, or more appropriately, a drug lord.

Even more important, Laura assured him that there was more than enough booze for a two day trip. In fact that was understatement. She was also clearly trying to impress her new bosses. Being so brazenly 'sacrificed' by Beckman had her running the full gamut of emotions. At first she was shocked. That wasn't the deal between a soldier and her commander… and everybody knew it. After a bit it saddened her. Laura didn't cry, she hardly ever cried. But Sarah could tell that she was close. That quickly enough faded into her current mood - incredibly pissed off. It had her seriously rethinking her own future. In fact that was also understatement. She was actually forced to consider rethinking her future on multiple levels. They were headed for Washington for a mission. But that was also where Seth was. And that was something she had put off thinking about since he left that night in Vegas.

It took a while for Chuck to get everyone situated in a room. Oh, there were plenty of rooms on multiple decks. But did Casey and Laura want to share? Josh and Joey? Carina and her three friends? Finally Chuck gave all of them their own room and whoever ended up sleeping with whom… well Chuck decided that he really didn't want to know.

By the time everyone was settled in their rooms it was noon, time for a light lunch on the front deck. Chef promised a feast in the formal dining area for dinner so burgers and beer would have to settle for lunch. Little did he know that cheeseburgers were Sarah's feast. Of course she was still looking forward to lobster tonight. But first she had to fix things with Chuck.

x-x-x-x-x

Chuck and Sarah weren't in their room, the master stateroom, for ten seconds before she had her arms wrapped tightly around his neck. "I have to talk to you," she said.

Chuck knew her well enough that he could immediately tell that she was emotional and tried valiantly to lighten her mood. "Okay," he said. "We haven't been alone for over a day now. I was sort of hoping that we'd do a little more than talk."

No sale. Sarah wasn't in the mood to be teased. "Not now, okay?" Sarah said. "I didn't think I'd ever say that to you. But first we have to talk. I have to tell you how sorry I am."

"Why are you sorry?"

"I found out something about myself last night," Sarah said sadly. "I've been taking you for granted. I've been such a bitch."

"I thought we've agreed…"

"I know," Sarah interrupted. "I get that you don't like it when I refer to myself as a bitch. I'm sorry. It's the only word that fits. I've been a royal bitch."

"Okay," Chuck said. "First, how about if you calm down a little? It can't be that bad. You're shaking. Not only that, you're choking me." As soon as Sarah released her grip a little he could see her trying to maintain her composure, and not really being all that successful. He could see the tears welling in her eyes and even the beginning of a tremble in her lip. He knew that trying to comfort her in this situation wasn't going to go well until she had whatever it was off her chest. "Okay," he said. "Tell me about it."

"I had a horrible time last night," Sarah started off slowly. "One of the worst nights of my life. And at first I couldn't figure out why I was feeling so bad. Then I had a terrible dream. You were fucking Joey and Laura to protect the cover. At first you were resisting a little. But then you really started to get into it."

"Come on, Sarah," Chuck said, maybe a little more harshly than he intended. "You know that would never happen. Surely you're not going to hold anything against me that happened in your dream."

"It seemed so real," Sarah said. "And I'm not holding anything against you, just the opposite. Yes, I know that you would never willingly fuck another woman, much less two. I absolutely know that. I honestly don't fear it, not even a little bit. But I still woke up crying. It wasn't even the sex part that was so bad. Laura was whispering into your ear the whole time about how you shouldn't feel guilty, that this was what was expected from spies, that it was the only way to survive, that a relationship with a spy simply had to account for fucking other people. There was even some crazy stuff. She told you that I fucked Peter West on his desk while she watched. She said that I was afraid to tell you how much I enjoyed the wild sex with marks, that it happened a lot more than I admit."

"Okay," Chuck said. "But dreams are crazy. You know that, right? We trust each other. Why would you…"

Sarah pulled away and stomped to the other side of the room. "You're not listening to me!" she interrupted angrily. "I know that we fucking trust each other. It's not about that." Then she saw the devastated look on his face and lowered her voice. "I'm sorry that I snapped at you," she said softly. "I understand that I'm emotional right now. But you don't understand. I knew that none of those things that Laura was saying was true. I even knew that you knew they weren't true. I still felt like crap. I was panicked, Chuck. And then it hit me why I was feeling so horrible. I've let you feel this exact feeling over and over… and I didn't do anything about it. I made you watch me leave to spend the night with my ex-husband, made you watch while I went to Peter West's office dressed like a slut and offer to become his sex toy, and I didn't do a damn thing to help you through it. I made fun of you, called you a silly baby for being jealous, maybe not out loud all the time, but I was thinking it. And now I know how horrible it feels, what I've been doing to you, the only man I've ever loved. I'm such a bitch."

"You're not a bitch!" Chuck responded angrily. "Stop saying that." Then he realized how he sounded. "I'm sorry. But come on, Sarah. You just said it. You didn't know how it felt. Now you do."

"I should have known," Sarah said sadly. "A wife is supposed to know."

"How?" Chuck asked. He responded to her look. "No, seriously, Sarah. Tell me how exactly do you think you should have known? Did your parents teach you how to be in a committed relationship, much less a wife? Did the CIA? At least I had Ellie. Who did you have? Laura? Seth? Carina? Bryce? Here's the honest, no bullshit truth. You're doing a great job at being my wife. Nobody could possibly ask for more effort than you've put into us. I'm honestly incredibly proud of you, and even more grateful. You've grown so much. Frankly you're way ahead of what I… um, feared isn't the right word. But you get what I'm saying, right?"

And just like that… out of nowhere Sarah was again overcome with emotion. Except this was the happy kind. Here was the nicest, sweetest man in the world going way, way out of his way for one reason. He was trying desperately to make her feel better. Suddenly the sex that she always depended on to make things up to him seemed shallow somehow. For today anyway, she needed to find a better way. So she ran to him, wrapped her arms around his neck, and again squeezed with everything she had.

Chuck knew that there was a time for teasing. That usually worked with Sarah… but this wasn't that time. So he wrapped his own arms around his softly sobbing wife's waist and gave back everything he had. They stayed that way, just wordlessly hugging each other for what seemed like hours.

"I think we should run," Sarah finally said so softly that Chuck wasn't sure he heard her correctly.

If he hadn't believed it before, that was Chuck's tip off that Sarah was seriously freaked out about last night. After all, what had changed since the last time they had this discussion? "Sarah," he said as softly as her could. "Haven't we been through this? How can we run?"

"I don't know," Sarah finally admitted. "But we're smart. We can figure out a way. We have money. We have my training and the Intersect. We have to do something. We can't let Beckman turn us back into spies. I know that it was just a stupid dream, but Laura was ultimately right. If we stay spies, we're eventually going to find ourselves in a situation where one of us has to fuck someone. And, yes, I believe that our marriage could survive that. But Chuck, I don't want to survive that. I never want to feel that way again. I sure as hell don't want to ever make you feel that way again."

Suddenly Chuck understood what was bothering her. "Beckman doesn't have that power," he said. "And for all of her bluster, she never will. Only we could decide to become spies again. And we're not going to. We're going to do this one thing, far more for us than for her, and then retire undefeated. Come on, Sarah, let's get on the table what this is really about. You fear that I'm going to betray you."

Sarah immediately protested the charge. "I trust you," she insisted. "Why would you say something like that to me? That was a horrible thing to say."

"Because it's the truth," Chuck said. "It's not about trust. It's about fear. Fear is not rational. Let's face it, everybody that you've ever thought that you loved in your whole life has betrayed you. Your dad, your first husband, your best friend, your partner, and now even the CIA. There would be something wrong if you didn't fear that on some level. Sarah, I'm your husband. It's okay to admit that to me. I'm not offended at all. Let me help you with it."

Sarah remembered Josh's words last night. Maybe it was time to watch Chuck slay one of those demons. "I feel horrible," she whispered. "You've been so amazing. I trust you, Chuck. I do."

"I know you do," Chuck said as he rubbed her back. "I have my fears too. And they're just as groundless. I know that you're not going to see some smooth good looking guy hitting on you in a bar and go home with him. There is zero question in my mind. I absolutely know that. In fact it's silly. It's pretty much the last thing you would do. But I'm still insecure when it comes to you. You're out of my league. I'm not that smooth guy everybody expects you to be with. So on some level I still fear that."

"You're right," Sarah said. "It is silly. I didn't let myself get picked up in bars ever. And I'm about done hearing that you think I'm out of your league. But I'm not upset. I totally understand what you're saying. It's irrational. We can't help it. It's like being afraid of the dark. So what do we do about it?"

"We're doing it right now," Chuck said. "When we feel that fear, we honestly talk to each other about it. We admit what we're feeling to each other without trying to hide or put a brave face on it. And most important, we help each other, are sensitive to each other's fear. Each day that goes by and I see you ignore the guys that are staring at your ass my fear gets a little less. In fact it's almost gone. Hopefully each day that goes by and I haven't fucked Joey, or Laura, or both, your fear will get a little less. I understand that talking is hard for you. But we're growing, Sarah. Could we possibly have had this discussion a week ago? Now why don't you prove me right and tell me the real reason you're so troubled?"

Sarah knew that he saw through her. Josh was right. Maybe it was time to truly let him know how she really felt about him. "I'm inadequate," she finally said. "If we're going to be really honest, I want you to admit that you think so."

Chuck just rubbed her back for a long moment. "I'm sorry," he finally said. "I just can't admit that. In fact, as happy as I am that you're finally admitting that fear to me, I have to tell you, it makes me want to bang my head against the fucking wall. I don't even know where that's coming from. Just like you feel when I say that you're out of my league."

Chuck spent another long moment just rubbing her back. For one thing, he knew that she loved that. But more important, he knew that he had to be very precise in how he responded. "Let's examine the situation logically, shall we?" he finally began. "Here we have a clearly brilliant woman who graduated from Harvard. She speaks scores of languages fluently without even thinking about it. Not only that, she also happens to be the most beautiful woman in the world. Most women like that would be pretty arrogant… unapproachable even, especially for someone like me. But not her. She doesn't have an arrogant bone in her body, even thinks she's inadequate. Not to mention that this woman has dedicated her life to fight for the greater good, worked and practiced until she had made herself this bad ass, sexy ninja. She has made sacrifices that most people wouldn't even consider. And now, for some reason that I still can't totally understand, this amazing creature fell in love with me. And that is even understating it. She is totally devoted to me. If someone stole my parking space at the mall, she would drag him out through his car window and beat him within an inch of his life. She would gladly do any disgusting thing I would ever ask of her in the bedroom, or anyplace when it comes down to it, even begs me to think of creative ways that she can make me happy. She spends her days dreaming of the family she wants to make with me and how to be the very best wife and mother that she possibly can. Inadequate, Sarah? Really? Okay, just like you, I get that the fear is irrational. But don't ask me to call her inadequate. I can't do it. I worship her."

And just like that another demon was, if not slain, then flopping on the floor mortally wounded. It felt… wonderful. "A couple of things," she said. "First, I know that you worship me. I absolutely know that… but not half as much as I do you. I'm sorry for being so needy. Second, you're making the sex stuff seem like an unpleasant chore that I force myself to do for you. If you haven't noticed by all of the moaning there isn't a single thing we've ever done in the bedroom that I didn't enjoy far more than you did. Our making love together is the very best thing in my life. I daydream about it pretty much all the time. I look forward to it, maybe more than is totally healthy. I can't imagine you asking for something that I wouldn't find myself enjoying if I knew that it was making you happy. This is something that I know you don't believe. But I love it when you ask me for things. I just wish you felt more comfortable with it. Finally, Chuck, how do you always know exactly what I need to hear? It's almost spooky."

Chuck was obviously quite pleased with himself. "It's a gift," he said with a smirk.

That actually got a bit of a smile. "Okay," she said. "Yes, I agree with everything you've said. We are growing. Every time we talk, it gets a little easier. We're slaying each other's demons. That's the thing that I probably appreciate about you the most. But I still should have done better with helping you," she insisted, but this time with a bit of a twinkle. "You can't honestly say that you don't get frustrated with me sometimes."

"Wow," Chuck said with something of his own smile. "I think that maybe I see the real problem. You're Sarah. You have to be perfect at everything. Well, missy, nobody is perfect. Okay, yes, I get frustrated sometimes, just like you get frustrated with me. I freely admit that. I fully expect it to continue for the rest of our lives. I'll admit that I've struggled with thinking of you and other men, maybe a little more than I've ever admitted to you. That's something where you could help me a lot by talking to me about what actually happened."

"Do you really want to hear the details of Agent Walker on seduction missions?" she asked incredulously.

"I really do," Chuck insisted. "The Academy too. If you tell me what actually happened, why, and how you were feeling then I don't have to lie in bed at night and imagine the worst. I get that would be very hard for you. That's why I haven't ever pressed you on it. But it would help me. And I think I could help you too."

Sarah stood for a long moment trying to decide if he was being honest… or just trying to help her. Finally she decided that he was being honest. "Okay," she finally said. "After we're done with the mission, we'll talk. I'll tell you every lurid detail. I won't pretend to be looking forward to it. But you're right. Hearing the truth is better than imaging the worst. Is there anything else you need? Come on, Chuck, you have to be mad at me for the way I acted with Seth. I'm mad at me. Why shouldn't you be? It's okay to admit that, isn't it?"

"I'm not mad," Chuck said. "That's way too strong. I'll admit that maybe I hoped you would have been a little more understanding when I was dealing with you with Seth and West. But I also think you're being ridiculously hard on yourself. You're not perfect. Deal with it. And you know what? I'm glad you're not perfect… and do you know why?"

Sarah just shook her head.

Chuck squeezed her a little tighter. "Because if you were perfect, you'd have no need to offer me wild, kinky sex to compensate for your failings," he said as his smile turned into a grin. "It's been two days. It was a good talk. But do you think that we could maybe get past the feeling guilty phase and into the punishment phase? It's put up or shut up time, missy. Maybe we could do one or more of those disgusting things that you claim to enjoy more than I do."

The thought of Chuck taking charge must have been enough to get Sarah out of her funk, because now she was almost instantly incredibly aroused. "I've been bad," she admitted with her own sheepish grin. "Do you have a specific disgusting thing in mind?"

Chuck pretended to consider the question for a moment as he stepped out the embrace. "You've been very, very bad," he said as he stroked his chin. "It would have to include some pretty wild sex. I think that's a given. I think maybe I could get used to being a drug lord and having a fuck toy. Why don't you get things started and entertain me by taking off your shirt for me… slowly, while I think about your next task? It's probably in your best interest in making this as sexy as you possibly can. If you make me go out there into that drunken orgy in this condition, Carina might actually win your bet."

Sarah's face instantly turned red. She paused in unbuttoning her shirt. "How did you know about that?" she asked.

"Now see," Chuck said as he motioned for her to continue. "I said slowly… but not quite that slowly. I didn't mean for you to stop. Carina was nice enough to tell me all about it while you were talking to Joey doing your mentor thing. I accepted for you. I figured you wouldn't mind. There is no way for her to win… unless."

Sarah ignored his teasing. "I was going to talk to you about that," she said quickly. The guilt in her face was plain. "She's not joking."

"I'd be a little careful if I was you," Chuck said in mock seriousness. "I have to say, so far you're falling a little short of my expectations of a fuck toy. Joey actually came closer. If you don't start taking your job seriously and make a full effort to put on a wild show for me, I just might let Carina win. She still scares me, but it might be more than a little interesting to see what she comes up with."

Sarah inwardly breathed a huge sigh of relief. It finally registered that he was clearly teasing her. At least that meant that he wasn't mad. "Please, Daddy," she said in her best little girl voice. "Anything but that. Being under Carina's control for a whole day… she would take great pleasure in making me give her tons of… well, pleasure. I'll do anything to avoid that."

"Now see," Chuck said in faux annoyance. "You say that like you mean it… and yet you're standing there still wearing your bra. How do you expect me to believe that you're sincere?"

Sarah put on her little girl pout as she quickly unfastened and handed it over. "I suppose that my panties will also be part of my payment."

Chuck laughed at the rhetorical nature of her question. Because she was already stepping out of them. "Of course," he said. "Did you really have to ask?"

"Hand them over."

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After Sarah's, um, punishment was finally concluded, they decided to take a nap. After all, this promised to be quite the long night. It was the damndest thing. For as horrible as Sarah felt just a few short hours ago, now she felt every bit as wonderful, almost giddy.

She was only a little torn why she felt so great. After all, they still had problems. Yes, Beckman still had to be dealt with. And the Volkoff mission wasn't going to be easy.

Maybe it was waking up cuddled so comfortably with her husband. And that did feel great, warm, safe. It was incredible how you could be laying there not wearing a single stitch of anything, and yet not at all feel naked in any way.

But more likely it was the body of that demon that was still lying there on the floor after Chuck killed it for her, like a normal husband would kill a spider in the bathroom. Oh, make no mistake. That demon had some friends who were still alive and well. But their days were numbered. It was just a matter of time before Sarah pointed them out and watched her loving husband cheerfully slay them for her.

And that realization, that she was free of the weight of being Sarah Walker… well that wasn't it exactly. The weight was still there. It's just that now she had someone to help carry it. The irony is that he had been there the whole time. He had been begging her to allow him to help. She was just too stubborn, too scared. But now she trusted him enough to help her. It simply felt wonderful, life changing.

Suddenly Sarah was in the mood to party… like she had never partied before. Spies like Laura and Carina lived for times like this. Times when the battle was over, the threat was eliminated, and they could let their hair down and just have fun. Sarah had seen it happen scores of times. But she had never allowed herself to fully participate, to let her hair down. She knew that unless she was in control of herself there was always someone standing there who would take advantage of her. But tonight… "Chuck," she said softly. "Are you awake?"

"I'm awake," Chuck finally said sleepily. "Your stomach growling woke me up. Oh wait, maybe that was my stomach."

"We must have worked up quite an appetite," Sarah said. "I'm starved too. We should probably get out there."

"Do we have to get dressed?" Chuck teased. "With Carina out there egging everyone on, it's only a matter of time before everyone is naked anyway, right? We might as well save some time."

"But don't you want to see your fuck toy strip for your amusement, Daddy?" Sarah asked with a grin as she teased right back. "You were all over that idea a couple of hours ago."

"Good point," Chuck said.

"We don't have to go," Sarah said. "It's going to get really wild. We can just have them bring our dinner in here."

"Thanks for the thought," Chuck said. "But do you really think that I'm going to cheat my best girl out of a night of dancing? It's her very favorite thing. I can probably live with Carina pushing her tits in my face for a night."

"Hopefully that was figurative," Sarah said with a laugh. "But with Carina, who knows? She knows that she can make you blush on demand. That's like throwing blood into shark infested waters. Laura, and probably to a lesser extent even Joey will also take great pleasure in seeing you uncomfortably embarrassed."

"They didn't do anything of the kind last night," Chuck protested. "And they had me totally trapped."

"They were being respectful last night because I wasn't there," Sarah said. "It's kind of sweet, actually. Trust me, sweetie. It's going to be totally different tonight because they know I'm watching. They are going to tease you mercilessly. So if you don't want to go through that, I totally understand. We'll just stay here. Maybe we can have that talk you wanted. Maybe I can even spin some of the stories into third person to make it a little exciting."

"Come on, Sarah," Chuck said with a smile. "As tempting as that sounds, I think that you're underestimating me a little. You've grown. But hopefully so have I. Maybe it's time that I proved it and watched you have some fun. Who knows? Maybe I'll enjoy shooting down your trio of sexy spies more than we think."

"Okay," Sarah said. "Thank you. I want to get this on the table. I'm looking forward to finally be able to dance all night and not worry about how much I've had to drink. You'll have my back."

Chuck's smile turned into a grin. "I don't think I've ever seen you drunk before," he said. "You were on your way the other night drinking shots with Joey. Are we going farther than that tonight? Suddenly I find myself looking forward to it more and more. Be prepared for me to totally take advantage of you when we get back here and you're on your ass."

That got a giggle. "Nobody's ever seen me drunk before," she said. "I've never trusted anybody enough, till now. One promise that I want you to make. The second you feel uncomfortable… about anything, the party ends for us and we come back here and start our own party. Nothing is worth risking the wonderful growth we've finally made, is it?"

"I promise," Chuck said. "Maybe we could have a little fun with Carina. She needs to be put in her place, don't you think? Maybe a little public humiliation…"

Sarah stared at Chuck for a long moment. Finally a smile broke out. "What's going on in that massive brain of yours," she asked. "I would love to put Carina in her place. The reward for something like that… Who am I kidding? It would be wild sex."

"She's pretty predictable," Chuck said with his own grin. "Everybody always tells me that being predictable is hazardous for a spy."

"Maybe we can give her a reminder."

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