I still don't own Chuck.

The title of this chapter is deceiving. But then, you're used to that, right?

I understand that there isn't a review function on this site. But I would still appreciate your comments. The worst thing for an author is silence. You can't tell if you're connecting with your readers, if they're getting where you think the story is going or not. And those comments don't have to be praise. Of course, I'd be lying if I tried to say that I don't enjoy the praise. But I actually learn more from the critical comments. Just as long as you're respectful and allow me to respond, you can say anything.

The Bartowski Girls Go to War

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The dinner was just as fantastic as everyone remembered. The week away hadn't dented Chef's culinary skills. That was for sure. Everyone hugely enjoyed it. But it was Steven and Joan who were the most blown away. Neither had ever invested much time learning to cook during their years of living alone. They were far too involved in their work. They basically lived for years on food out of cans or frozen out of the freezer and into the microwave. And especially for the past week their meals mainly consisted of cold leftover delivery pizza eaten hurriedly in the short break times they allowed themselves while working on the Governor that wasn't devoted to sleep… or sex. So having a personal chef preparing a gourmet meal for you was an eye-opening treat.

Chef even made a rare appearance outside of the galley to personally formally apologize to Sarah. The live lobsters that he ordered were on their way, but wouldn't arrive until tomorrow. Sarah just laughed. She told him that, yes, lobster was clearly her favorite meal. But he actually didn't have to serve it every night. She complimented his prime rib, told him that it melted in her mouth, and teased that as long she could count on her second favorite, twice baked potatoes, she just might forgive him. Chef clearly enjoyed talking to Sarah for rather obvious reasons and especially since she was the only one who could speak French. Naturally nobody else could tell what they were saying.

Joan was far to busy devouring her… well, actually her everything to carry on much conversation for a long time. It seemed like whatever food touched her fork became her instant favorite. But when Chef left she made a conscious effort to make sure that her mouth wasn't full before she spoke. "French sounds so romantic," she said with a wistful sigh. Then she turned to Steven with a knowing wink. "Maybe you could learn to speak French."

"I'll work on it," Steven replied with a grin. "You've probably already figured out that I'm not really all that romantic of a person. Will Pig Latin do?"

Joan smiled at her new husband. He maybe wasn't romantic in the whispering sweet French nothings into her ear. His whispering was much more likely to be some brilliant technical specification idea that just came to him out of nowhere. But still… he was so damned cute.

"I speak Klingon," Chuck chimed in. "I learned at Stanford."

"Yeah," Sarah said with a healthy bit of faux sarcasm. "Because that's so much more romantic."

That got everyone laughing. "Klingon?" Joan finally sighed. "It's such a harsh language."

"Oh come on," Chuck said playfully. "Bryce and I used to converse in Klingon all the time. So tell me that Agent Larkin never put the moves on you with a little Klingon pillow talk."

Joan was in far too good of a mood to consider the question. "Never," she said without thinking. "He really never had time for pillow talk in any language."

Joan's face immediately turned about thirteen shades of purple as she quickly realized that Chuck had been talking to Sarah. And that now the cat was out of the bag and everyone at the table was staring at her. Finally in desperation she tried to change the subject. "I'm getting stuffed," she said. "I only have room for one more little helping. I can't tell which I like more, the prime rib or the poached salmon."

Naturally Casey was totally oblivious to the undercurrent of what had just happened. "Eat the salmon now," he suggested. "The prime rib will make a tasty midnight snack in a sandwich. Meet me in the galley later and I'll make one for you."

It was an honest offer. In fact, it was very sweet. And it actually meant more than Joan realized. Making you a sandwich was Casey's way of letting you know that he accepted you. After all, Casey was a world class expert at making late night snacks. And in Casey's case, accepting you also meant that he was now willing to lay down his life for you. But Steven saw the opening to take a good natured shot at his new friend and maybe save his new wife from an awkward moment. "Hey," he piped up in faux alarm. "What the hell? Are you really putting the moves on my girl with me sitting right here next to her? That's pretty brazen."

That got everybody laughing again and the awkward moment was thankfully over.

Chuck was never one to pass up an opportunity to take a jab at Casey's expense. And this was no exception. "Yeah, Casey," he said. "Laura's gone for four hours and you're hitting on my step-mom? Is this some spy lingo that we don't know about? Is a sandwich really a symbol for some kinky sex thing? Is 'would you like mayonnaise' code for 'take off your bra'?" He turned to Sarah. "Do you speak Casey's language too?"

Sarah grinned as she joined the sport. "I don't think that anybody speaks Casey's language," she said.

That caused Carina to chime in. "I could go for a sandwich," she said. "Actually no matter which kind. Can I come?"

Even Ellie got into the act. "A 'sandwich' sounds good," she said. "Midnight? Devon will be sleeping by then. So I'm in. What do you say, Sarah? Can Casey handle making a 'sandwich' for all four of us?"

That got them laughing even harder. "I'm not sure," Sarah said. "And I'm not really all that anxious to find out. In fact, I'm kinda losing my appetite thinking about it."

Joan looked at the red that was now well into Casey's face. She could have easily gotten him off the hook. But she decided that Casey dished it out plenty. Let's see if he could take it. "I don't know, John," she said with a grin as she looked gratefully to her husband. "A sandwich sounds kinda nice. No offense, but I think we'll start with the actual prime rib kind… no mayonnaise… and maybe work our way up from there. What time do you want to meet? I don't picture you as knowing Klingon."

"Do you by any chance speak French?"

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Joey was making no effort to hide the fact that she was on cloud nine driving back from Josh's dad's house. "I don't think I've ever seen anyone quite so happy," she said. "Is he always like that when he's happy?"

"Are you kidding?" Josh answered incredulously. "I've never seen him cry like that… ever. He was hugging you pretty tight. Was he hurting you at all?"

"It actually felt pretty great," Joey said. "I never really had a dad like that. Whenever my step-dad would hug me that meant he was getting ready to…" Joey's voice trailed off as she quickly realized where she was going and changed the subject. "I saw him hugging you pretty tight as well. Don't even try and deny that it felt great."

"I won't try and deny it," Josh said. "Thank you for that. You know that thinking about your step-dad abusing you drives me crazy. Can we please not talk about that evil bastard now?"

Joey nodded. Naturally, it wasn't a pleasant subject, for her either. But she had never seen Josh close to as angry as the time when she first told him. It was clearly a hot button for him. In fact she was almost sorry that he was dead. It might have been a little fun to introduce her new fiancé to him, step back, and watch the show. Josh was a really mild mannered, gentle soul, almost the opposite of the typical male agent. It took a lot to make him angry. But she had seen him fight more than once. Contrary to his gentle nature, he was quite good at it. In fact when he wanted to, he could be amazingly deadly. "I'm sorry," she said softly. "I wasn't thinking." She tried to quickly change the subject. "I didn't do anything today just for your dad," she insisted. "Not really. I did it for me. It's what I want. He was just a fortunate beneficiary. So there is no need to thank me."

Josh sighed. "You don't have to be sorry," he said. "It's just when I think about… I go a little nuts. I'm sorry."

"Why should you be sorry?" Joey asked. "I can't tell you how nice it is for me to hear. You being protective of me is sweet. It's what a husband does, isn't it?"

Josh was quiet for a long while. "Maybe we should talk about… what a husband does," he finally said softly.

Joey saw the opportunity to change the mood… and went for it. "You mean sex?" she teased with a grin. "No, for the final time. I'm definitely not helping you seduce Devon. I saw the way you were looking at him. But he is totally devoted to Ellie, it would screw up our team dynamic, and if those first two weren't enough, I have first dibs."

Joey was fully expecting him to laugh. She kept waiting for it. When he didn't she finally realized that she had just screwed up big time. "I'm sorry," she said. "I thought maybe we could lighten up and laugh about it. I'll be serious. What specifically do you want to talk about?"

Josh didn't say anything for a long time until he was sure that Joey was suitably chastised. "I'm not sure how to say this," he finally started. "Look, I'm not trying to make this heavy. But are you sure that us watching each other constantly fucking other people isn't going to eventually cause issues?"

"Well," Joey said. "I didn't think we'd literally be watching each other. That might mess up the mood." Then she quickly backpedaled. "I'm sorry, I understand that you're being serious," she insisted. "I'm not making fun of you. I'll be serious too. Of course it's not the ideal situation. But it's worth it to me. Come on, Josh. Isn't it worth it to you? What choice do we have?"

"I just feel like I'm cheating you," Josh said sadly. "I know how important sex is to you."

"You're not cheating me," Joey said, maybe a little more sharply than she intended. "I really need you to get that thought out of your head and stop thinking like that. There is no reason for either of us to ever feel guilty. We are what we are. And we're dealing with our circumstance the best that we can."

"What if I could?" Josh finally said. "Sex, I mean. Would you be… patient? I mean, I'm not sure that it's going to work. But I'm willing to try. Joey, be totally honest. Is that something that you would want?"

"I don't want you to try and change for me," Joey insisted. "You are clearly looking for another sappy romantic scene? I sense that is going to be a regular thing with you for a while. Okay, I'll give you one. Josh, you are totally over thinking this. You worry far too much about it. I know who you are. And I love you for it. I absolutely do. I'm going into this thing eagerly with my eyes wide open. I get the issues. They simply don't matter all that much to me, especially compared to what I'm getting. I'm getting you. The truth is that I'm grateful to have you. Whatever happens I want to make sure that you never feel any pressure about sex from me. In the grand scheme of things it's just not that important. We'll work with however it turns out. Okay?"

Josh didn't respond. He just smiled.

"But having said all that," Joey continued. "Are you seriously asking me if I would want to have sex with you? Josh, are you kidding? Besides the fact that I love you and I'm currently your fiancé, you are the best looking man I've ever seen. Have you ever seen the way that women look at you in bars? You have them drooling all over themselves. Chicks are easy. If you were straight you could get laid multiple times a night. Carina was all over me last week trying to get me to help her get into your pants. Now that I think about it, I may have to kick her ass when we get back to the boat. So to answer your question, hell yes it's something I would want. I'll do anything you need to make it easier. I'll cut my hair, put on a suit and tie, and go butch. As far as the sex, I'll do any position, play any role, perform any form of foreplay, or do literally any thing that helps you. Pull the car over right now… or if you're in a hurry to get back just unzip your pants. I'll lean over and prove it to you."

That got Josh laughing. "Wow," he said. "I think maybe you've been hanging around Carina a bit too much. You're sounding just like her. Now I'm actually a little curious to see exactly what sex act you have in mind. But I'm pretty sure that I can wait until tonight for you to prove anything. We don't want to be the cause of any thirty car pileups on the freeway. And I'm not trying to be possessive but I don't want you to ever talk about cutting your hair. Are you crazy? I love your hair. I don't want you to get your hopes up. I'm not positive this is going to work all that well. But as long as we're into the sappy romantic scene thing, maybe it would be a good time to tell you that I love you just as much. If we are really going to get married, I'm taking this seriously. I appreciate that you are too. I'm going to do my best as your husband to give you everything you need… and not just in bed. I'd rather try and make it work than see you have to constantly be on the prowl to get laid."

"Just so that we understand each other," Joey said with her own laugh. "You are driving a car going eighty down the freeway. What sex act could I possibly have in mind? And I understand that I just expressed some jealousy. I can see how that might be confusing for you. But I reserve the right to be jealous over you and another woman."

"Duly noted," Josh said with somewhat of a silly grin. "Of all the things that you have to worry about… me with another woman isn't one of them."

x-x-x-x-x

Finally the dinner was over. But they all wanted to wait for Josh and Joey to get back to talk about any mission plans. No one really knew if Laura was coming back tonight. So it was quickly decided to retire to their rooms for a quick nap… or whatever alternative each couple could come up with. They would get back together in a couple hours for a brief… well, briefing… and then spend the rest of night in their new found activity… playing poker and drinking hard liquor… not necessarily in that order.

Sarah was torn. Of course she wanted to be with Chuck every second. But playing cards really wasn't her favorite thing. And Ellie suggested that maybe it would be a good opportunity for the Bartowski girls to take a couple of bottles of tequila to the front deck, ask Chef for some lemons, play some music, dance a little, get sloppy drunk, and bond as a family.

Joan was also torn. Well, not really. As much as she looked forward to taking some more of Casey's retirement money, it didn't compare to the chance to get closer to her new family.

As they broke up Sarah saw the gleam in Carina's eyes when she grabbed Joan's hand and pulled her around the corner out of earshot. Sarah had seen that gleam far too many times over the years… and it was never good news. So she nodded for Chuck to go ahead without her and sided up to where she could hear what Carina was saying, and not be seen.

"Just a heads up," Carina said. "I know that you're new and everything. But you really shouldn't have teased Casey like that unless you're ready to follow through. Not that it would be a chore or anything. He is actually quite competent between the sheets. You're in for a treat. He's better than Bryce."

Joan ignored the shot about Bryce. She clearly thought that Carina was joking, so she laughed. "What are you talking about?" she asked. "John? We were just teasing a little."

Carina bit her lip and lowered her voice. "That's what I'm trying to tell you," she insisted. "He may look harmless. But he's a stone cold killer. He knows exactly what he is doing. When he is on a mission he becomes a different person, one that is unstoppable. And once he thinks that you owe him something he is on a mission. Trust me, he will find a way to collect. And the longer it takes him, the more interest he'll want you to pay. You're probably just better off meeting him tonight, tell him that you're really sorry, and hope that he lets you slide with a quick blowjob in the supply closet. He might. He likes it when they grovel. Otherwise he'll find you sometime when you are helpless and… well, he's a big strong man. I'm sure you can fill in the blanks. A lot of women would be into that. Although few would admit it. I know what I'm talking about. Once he got me helpless, here is what he made me do just a few days ago right here on this ship…"

Joan's eyes widened in surprise as Carina whispered in her ear. "He made you… and Laura?" she asked in half horror and half bemusement.

Carina made a big show out of trying to blink the tears out of her eyes. "Twice," she said. "It was a first for me. All for his sick amusement. Ask Sarah. She knows all about it. So a word to the wise… Be smart. Give him whatever it takes to stay on his good side."

As soon as Joan made a shaken, hasty retreat, Sarah popped out of her hiding space. "Just what was that all about?" she asked. "A first for you? What color is the sky currently in your little world, Carina?"

Carina made no effort to keep in the laugh. "Just fucking with the newbie a little," she said as soon as she could stop laughing. "Remember the time that I convinced Zondra that guy in Dallas was a Saudi Prince? She thought that she had hit the lottery. He had her fucking him in every position known to man for days. She couldn't walk right for a week."

Sarah couldn't help but laugh. Zondra was so pissed. "I do remember," she said. "Do you remember how she got even?"

Carina's laugh quickly ended. "That wasn't funny," she insisted. "You don't do something like that. Replacing my pregnancy test with a fake one was just plain mean." But her good mood quickly returned. "Do you really think that our newbie will offer Casey a peace offering blowjob? I'd give a month's pay to see the expression on his face."

Sarah shook her head as she continued to laugh. Carina was nothing if not entertaining. "This newbie that you're fucking with," she said. "Do you know who she is?"

"Not really," Carina said. "I know she is with the agency. I assume an agent of some kind. But she really doesn't give off that vibe."

"In the future you might want to gather a little intel on people before you start fucking with them," Sarah said still laughing. "She's not an agent. She's management, has a couple of PHDs, actually senior management, Associate Director, head of the Intersect project."

"Oh fuck," Carina whispered. "That's not good. She can probably make some trouble for me. I'll have to talk to my contact over there and see if he can limit the damage."

"Serious trouble," Sarah agreed. "It's bad to have someone that high in the agency pissed at you. But that's not the half of it. Do you know who her new husband is?"

"Steven?" Carina asked. "He looks like a sweet old guy. Okay, so he's your Father-in-law. I get that. So what's your point? This isn't your fight. Besides, I'm not afraid of you. And I'm sure as hell not afraid of Chuck."

"He's a lot more than a sweet old guy," Sarah said. "Ask yourself something. Why do you think that we actually believe that we have a shot at Alexei Volkoff? Have you ever heard the name Orion?"

"Of course," Carina snorted. Then her eyes got wide. "Oh fuck," she whispered.

"Exactly," Sarah said with a laugh as she turned to leave. "I guess the good news is that when he waives his magic memory flash cards at you and turns you into thinking that you're a bunny rabbit or something. Well, you're already good at fucking like one."

The color left Carina's face as she watched Sarah leave.

"Oh fuck."

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Joan's face was still pretty ashen when she opened the door. She was still trying to decide how much to tell Steven when the knock came at the door. "Sarah," she said. "Is something wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," Sarah said. Then she reconsidered. "Well, maybe I should let you decide. I have a confession to make. I was eavesdropping. I overheard what Carina was telling you. Joan, she was just fucking with you. Casey wouldn't hurt a fly. I mean he's a stone cold killer. But he would never do anything approaching forcing someone, especially someone he considers a friend. Actually, it's almost the exact opposite. Knowing that you're married to his friend, it would be impossible to talk him into bed even if you were willing. You don't have to ever fear being alone with him. In fact, you'll never be safer. He would gladly lay down his life to protect you."

Joan allowed the relief to wash over her for a long moment. "Sonofabitch," she finally said. "She was just messing with me? Why would she do that?"

"That's Carina," Sarah said. "She was just having fun. She's not a bad person, Joan. It was in good fun. She's always trying to start something."

Joan headed for the door. "In good fun?" she asked incredulously. "Trying to get me to give some guy I've known for three days a… a… well, a peace offering in a supply closet? I'm going to go tell that bitch off."

Sarah was blocking the door, and didn't move out of the way. "Maybe," she said. "I happen to think that the best way to handle someone like Carina is to get them back better than they got you. Fight fire with a bigger fire. Speak softly and carry a big stick. Bring a gun to a knife fight. Should I continue with the metaphors or are you starting to get the point?"

Joan couldn't help but smile at Sarah's overt teasing. "It sounds like frontier justice," she said.

"I prefer 'paybacks are a bitch', Sarah said with her own grin. "As it turns out, I owe Casey something of a payback as well. Maybe we could help each other out a little."

Joan would have done anything for a chance to get closer to Sarah. And this sounded like fun. Sarah could see the sparkle in her eyes. "What do you have in mind?" she asked.

"Well," Sarah said with her own eyes sparkling.

"Maybe it's time for the new Bartowski girls to go to war."

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It didn't take long for Sarah's giddy mood to evaporate. One look at Chuck lying on his back with his hands behind his head, staring into space told her that something was wrong. So she plopped down beside him and assumed their favorite cuddling position.

If Sarah had any doubt that there was something wrong, it was erased when Chuck kept his hands behind his head and didn't wrap them around her like he normally would. "We can play this game of me guessing," she finally said. "But we both know that I'm horrible at it. Or we can act like a mature married couple, you can just tell me what's wrong, we can fix it together, and put it behind us."

"Okay," Chuck said. "We can try it your way. Do you really want me to learn to speak French? What was Chef saying to you? You do realize that he has a huge crush on you? I'm not trying to say that you can't talk to another man, Sarah. I'm sorry for being jealous. You probably think that's pretty childish of me."

Sarah was stunned at the clarity of Chuck's point. "There were a lot of very good questions in there," she said softly. "First, I don't think you're being childish at all. In fact I'm impressed and grateful that you're this calm. You are totally right to be upset with me. When I stop and look at what happened tonight through your eyes, I was insensitive. I appreciate you pointing it out. I simply have to stop doing that. Yes, of course I understand that he has a crush on me. But he is almost old enough to be my dad. I don't think he would ever do anything inappropriate. And if he did ever do anything inappropriate, well I think you know that it certainly wouldn't go very well for him. I was just trying to be nice to the man. I wasn't flirting with him or trying to encourage him in any way. But that doesn't really matter, does it? It probably looked like it to you and that's all that matters. Since you didn't understand what we were saying, I can see why you would want an explanation. He apologized for not serving lobster. He said that he ordered some but they wouldn't arrive until tomorrow. I told him that I loved lobster but that I didn't have to have it every night. I complimented his prime rib and told him that as long as he served twice baked potatoes, I'd probably forgive him. That was it. I'm very, very, very sorry if you got any other impression."

"So," Chuck said thoughtfully. "When you made fun of my Klingon, you were just teasing? You really like it?"

Sarah fought the urge to smile. "No," she said. "I'm not saying that. In the interest of being brutally honest with my husband, I think that it's nerdy beyond belief. Until that day in the Buy More, I had no idea that Bryce and you could speak a language, especially one that I didn't understand. When I found out it was called Klingon and it was from a movie, I could only shake my head in disbelief. I hope that you never try and romance me with any Klingon pillow talk. But having said that, I was just trying to be funny when I made fun of you. And that doesn't excuse my earlier behavior."

Chuck sighed as he wrapped his arms around her. "I'm being ridiculous," he said.

Sarah gratefully snuggled a little deeper into his chest. "Maybe a little," she admitted. "But it's also cute. And I do need to work on my behavior, be more aware."

"You're really growing," Chuck said as he kissed the top of her head.

"We're really growing," Sarah corrected. "A month ago this would have gone entirely differently. You would have pouted. I would have known that something was wrong but never asked you about it. And it would have festered and made us miserable for a couple of days. I'm very proud that you could tell me, we could fix it, and now it's quickly over."

"We're a family," Chuck said. "That's how families work."

Sarah snuggled even a little deeper, if that was possible. "I love being part of a family," she sighed. "I can't tell you how much I love it. I love every single thing about it. It surprises me how much. So thank you for that."

"You don't have to thank me," Chuck said softly as he rubbed her back affectionately. "The family is just as grateful to have you. And I'm especially grateful."

Sarah had maybe never been so comfortable in her life. And since she loved having her back rubbed, she was already almost asleep. "The stupid bastards who would try to take my family away," she mumbled sleepily."

"They're not going to know what hit them."

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