A/N: Warning: this chapter may cause feels. Prepare yourself before continuing. Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts.
Vanitas pulled away abruptly and my stomach knotted up painfully. My muscles felt stiff and I laid there, frozen in panic. 'I knew I shouldn't have told him,' I thought. Vanitas sat up and put his head in his hands. I was silent for a moment, watching him as my heart slowly began to hurt. I cautiously sat up and turned on the lamp. The yellow light glowed brightly and stretched across the blanket warmly. Vanitas' shoulders were shaking and he was breathing deeply through his nose, as though he was trying to calm himself down. "I'm sorry," I said automatically. He startled me when he whipped his head around and stared at me. "What the hell are you sorry for?!" he shouted. I visibly flinched and he bit his lip hard. "No, I-I didn't mean that," he started, reaching for me. Instinctively, I shied away from him and curled my arms to my chest. To my dismay, a flash of fear accompanied my panicked reaction. Vanitas noticed the look in my eyes and it was his turn to flinch. He let his hand drop into his lap, a conflicted expression contorting his face. "What I meant was that there is no need for you to be sorry, Ventus. It isn't your fault. It's mine," he said.
I could only stared at him, my eyebrows furrowed and my limbs heavy. A thick lump had formed in my throat and it was getting harder to breathe. Cold sweat broke out in small dots along my forehead and down my spine. 'You need to calm down. He isn't Dad. It's just Vanitas. You need to pay attention to what he is saying,' I told myself. "I like you, too, just so you know. B-but I didn't think you'd like me back. I mean, how could you?" he said bitterly. The tips of my fingers felt numb and tingly, like the pins and needles sensation. I tried to understand what he was saying to me, but I just couldn't wrap my head around it. What could he mean by that? 'What does he think is so wrong about him that he thinks no one will like him?'
Not even a second after the thought had passed through my mind, my subconscious quipped up. 'Hmph, well, aren't you a hypocrite?' My chest tightened and I had to force myself to stifle a heavy sigh. Vanitas swallowed hard and looked down at his trembling hands. "There are things about me, Ventus...things that I don't want you to be exposed to. It would kill me to have you see the things that I've done to myself or the things I've thought about doing. It's painful, living each day...being me. I know that it sounds like I'm being self-piteous, but I'm not. I can't get out of bed in the morning sometimes because I always think what's the point? Have you ever just stared up at the ceiling for hours on end? Your eyes begin to burn because you don't have the fucking motivation to close them. You think about everything that has happened and any emotion you feel...maximizes. I hate myself and think that I'm at fault for everything that happens. It's maddening and I can't stop it..not even if I want to," he said, his voice fading into a cracked whisper.
I longed to tell him that I understood, that I knew what he was going through, but I knew that it would be false reassurance; I didn't know Vanitas' thoughts. I had no clue what the hell he went through internally every damn day. Sure, I could empathize and say that I had similar feelings when it came to my own life, but I could never truly say that I know how he feels. "Vanitas, I'm not sure if it will help, but will you let me be there for you?" I asked quietly. Vanitas looked over at me in confusion, his eyes dulled and glassy. I waited patiently, keeping my hands on my lap. He was silently watching me, similar to an abused dog looking up at its master. "Please, I know that I can't help you and that I can't make your depression go away, but I want to be there as much as you need me to. I wanna try to bring something good into your life," I said.
In the back of my mind, I realized that I was sort of asking him out but, at that moment, I didn't care about embarrassing myself; I wanted so badly to just hug him as hard as I could, but even I knew that that wouldn't end well, not to mention it would make Vanitas feel worse. After what seemed like forever, he exhaled a shaky breath and placed a timid hand on the blanket by my leg. I stayed still, except for when I opened my arms a little as an invitation. Vanitas, very slowly, pulled himself over to me and collapsed against my chest, as though he didn't have enough strength to move anymore. I carefully leaned back against the headboard with Vanitas' face pressed into my collarbone, his arms curling against my stomach. He leaned his head on my shoulder, his black spikes brushing on my cheek.
"Cry. Scream. Do whatever you need to," I murmured softly. Vanitas tensed and lifted his head. He gazed up at me with his somber golden stare, his lower lip trembling slightly. I watched the clear liquid fill and gloss over his pupil. The tears did not fall or rather were being prevented from doing so. "It's alright, Vanitas. You can lean on me." My voice wavered and sounded thick, even to my ears. Vanitas' breath hitched in his throat, his stomach heaved, and a sob burst through. He went to cover his mouth, but, acting impulsively, I grasped his hand in mine and kissed it as tenderly as I could.
The tears overflowed and streamed in dancing rivulets down his pale cheeks. His face contorted and he clenched his teeth as though he was trying to hold back his emotions. "Don't repress them- release them. There is no one else here but me and you," I whispered, "Do you trust me?" Vanitas took in a raspy breath and another sob burst through. Then, a muffled cry, that would haunt my dreams, exploded from his lips; it was a scream so filled with raw anguish and agony that it made my eyes spill torrents of tears. His frame shook violently as he half sobbed, half screamed into my collarbone.
I rubbed his back and rocked gently from side to side. My hoodie was being soaked in salty tears, but I wasn't too concerned about it. The cold air nipped at the wet skin of my neck, but I clenched my teeth and bore it. My complete focus was on the anguished boy in my arms; there were no words that could clearly describe how broken my heart was. If I had to compare it to something, I'd say it was like some unseen force had ripped it down the middle abruptly and proceeded to not only slam it with a sledgehammer but also throw it in a wood-chipper. I hardly noticed my tears running like miniature rivers down my cheek; I hadn't even gotten the usual prickling sensation in my nose. They just...silently fell, without any warning.
Vanitas' sobs were quieting down a little and his body had deduced the violent tremors to a mild shaking. I brought a hand up and entangled my fingers in his hair. As gently as I could, I carefully made a petting motion which seemed to calm him down considerably. My spine was beginning to throb from staying rigid for so long, but I forced myself to ignore it. I rolled my neck a little to relieve some of the tension as Vanitas exhaled deeply, his breath shaky and wet-sounding. He had stopped shaking and now was just quietly crying with his head leaning on my shoulder. I had ceased rubbing his back and was just softly stroking his hair, trying my best to soothe him.
We stayed in that position for what seemed to be an hour until he finally pulled away. He swallowed hard and wiped the excess tears off his cheeks. "Thanks, Ven. You were right, I-I needed that," he murmured. I was about to say something but stopped when his lips twitched a little into a smile. "What?" I asked. Vanitas brought his hand to my cheek and used his thumb to wipe away a stray tear. "You are all snotty and gross," he said, a hint of amusement in his voice. I couldn't help but smile slightly in response. "So are you," I said, my voice cracking. Vanitas choked out a tiny, almost lifeless chuckle and grabbed my hand. He pulled gently and I followed him off of my bed and into the bathroom, trying my best to ignore the cold. He flicked on the light and we both flinched in unison from its sudden brightness. Vanitas reached under the sink and took out two clean washcloths, one light blue and the other a dull yellow. Carefully, he wet the light blue one under the tap, rung it out, and timidly brought it to my right eye. Once I realized what he was doing, I closed my eyes and leaned into the cool dampness of the washcloth. Using his thumb, he ran the rough texture of the washcloth over my eyes, cheeks, chin, and nose with the utmost of care. It hurt when the pressure of his fingers pressed against my still sore facial bruises and I winced slightly.
"Sorry," he mumbled. When his palm brushed against my lips, I kissed it, eliciting a small sound of surprise from Vanitas. Once he had finished, I took the pale yellow cloth and mimicked him, taking extra care around his swollen eyes and nearly raw nose. While I cleared away the sorrow of the night from Vanitas' face, I contemplated the words he'd spoken before his breakdown. As much as he insisted that there was no reason for me to like him, I could make a list a mile long maybe more of why I liked him. It didn't bother me that Vanitas wasn't perfect; I loved him anyway.
My heart jumped at the realization. I loved Vanitas- or at least I thought I did. He was watching me as I brushed the clean part of the cloth over his lips. "What are you thinking about?" he murmured. I placed the washcloth into the sink and placed my hands on his shoulders, my thumbs rubbing against his collarbone. He shut his eyes and brought his hands over mine to grip them tightly. I leaned over and kissed his eyelids, ignoring the salty taste left on my lips. I moved to his forehead, both cheeks, his chin, and the tip of his nose, kissing each gently. "Everything," I mumbled. There was no way I could tell him, not yet; I had already embarrassed myself to the brink of implosion. 'Maybe someday,' I thought.
Vanitas opened his eyes and gazed at me with such intensity, it made my chest flutter. His eyes never left mine as he leaned down and pressed his lips to the corner of my mouth. I lightly moved my head so that his lips were against mine and felt him smile. It was a soft, tender kiss that had no rush or urgency to it; it was as if we had all the time in the world. His lips were smooth with small chapped areas that scraped against the scab of my split lip. His breath was warm and tasted like salt, smoke, and mint. A sense of adrenaline seemed to fill me with each escaped gasp as we tilted our faces to gain better access. The action caused our mouths to conform together like puzzle pieces. Vanitas' fingers lightly played with the sensitive hairs on the nape of my neck, making me shiver, and his other hand was rubbing tiny circles on my lower back. My arms wrapped around him, my hands pressed against his shoulder blades.
I hesitated a moment then gripped at his shirt, the cloth bunching around my fingers. Vanitas pulled me closer until we were pressed flush against one another and deepened the kiss by sliding his tongue into my mouth. He did so softy, but it still made a tingle run down my spine. I couldn't stop the quiet whimper that quipped up from the back of my throat as our tongues slid gently together. I felt the faintest of flutters against my shut eyelids and realized that Vanitas must have finally closed his eyes. His hands glided against the smooth skin of my hips then bumped up along my ribs softly.
My own hands brushed down his back, my fingers tracing and bumping along his spine. The clock in the hallway quietly chimed ten times. Reluctantly, I pulled away and grasped his hand. "We should go to bed, it's late," I whispered tugging only slightly. Vanitas took in a deep, shuddering breath and nodded in agreement, turning off the light. He paused for a moment outside Xion's room and noticed the door was opened. He hesitantly peered inside then the muscles in his shoulders relaxed. I looked at him in silent question and he just smiled. 'That must mean that Xion is here, safe and sound,' I thought.
The stiffness in my shoulders instantly melted away as I breathed a sigh of relief. We went back to the bed and sat on its edge for a few minutes. "Ventus," Vanitas said suddenly. I jumped a little, startled by him abruptly saying my name. I watched a worry appear between his brows as he took the bottom edge of his shirt in his fingers. He hesitated for a moment, his golden gaze flicking from me back to the floor. "I want to...I want to show them to you," he said. Before he could move another muscle, I stopped him by putting my hands over his. From what he was saying earlier, I didn't want him to feel as if he was forced into doing something that made him uncomfortable. "You don't have to, if you don't want to," I whispered.
Vanitas clenched his jaw and swallowed hard. He moved my hands away and lifted his shirt up and over his head. As he pulled off his shirt and dropped it onto the comforter, I stifled my gasp with my hand over my mouth. "Oh," I breathed. Deep, crisscrossed scars were engraved into his arms, some looking fresher than others. Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes and I forced myself to blink them away; there had been enough crying for one night. Each scar was different; some were a dark brown color, almost black, or diagonal while others were straight across. Some had scabs or had tiny beads of bright red blood; some scars were deeper than others and there were a few that looked like they had needed stitches at some point. There were also those that were thin white lines, bright against his pale skin. My heart ached so miserably, I had to clench my teeth to stop the horrified gasp that almost erupted from me.
"Why do you do this?" I asked in a voice no louder than a low whisper. Vanitas' face twisted and he held his arms out in front of him. He stared at them with mixed emotions and bit his lip. "I know. They're awful to look at. But, the blood and the feeling of pain...it makes it all just...melt away. I don't have to worry about anything when I do it. It comforts me, makes me feel a sense of security," he said. I shook my head and he squeezed his eyes shut. His lips thinned and the corners of his eyes pinched up, making his face shift into a pained expression. "You don't understand," he breathed, the hurt clear in his tone. I swallowed hard and put my hand on his knee. Vanitas' eyes flew open and he gazed back at me. "You're right. I can't possibly understand, Vanitas. I know that...it takes the pain away, but do you remember what I said?" I said. Vanitas glanced away and nodded. "You're talking about the two strongest emotions that someone could feel, right? How love is...is more powerful than pain," he mumbled.
He shook his head at me and looked back at me with a panicked expression. "Ven, I don't think that I-," I cut him off by kissing him chastely on the cheek. He blinked at me and I tried to smile. "We are like two broken off pieces of glass that are close to shattering. If you cut too deep one day, you'll break. If I get hit a little too hard, I might just turn to dust. So, in order to protect one another, I think maybe our two halves need to join together," I said. Vanitas raised his eyebrows and the embarrassment that I had been trying to ignore rose up in my chest and made my heart thud a little faster. I peeked up at him through my lashes and smiled shyly. "So, what do you say, Vanitas? Wanna be whole with me?" He blushed and the corner of his mouth quirked up. He was quiet for a moment then huffed a small laugh. "That was quite possibly the most romantic way to ask someone out I've ever heard," he teased. I spluttered, my face flaming hot, and was searching for a response when he took my wrists in his hands and kissed me, lightly pushing me onto my back.
The blanket scrunched under me, tapping against my cheek. "I agree, Ven. You and I will have to join together to be whole," Vanitas whispered. I caught the hidden meaning and flushed red all the way to my ears. With those words alone, my entire body seemed to tingle with anticipation. If I couldn't feel my heart beating rapidly against my ribs, I'd swear it was in my mouth. Suddenly, Vanitas gave an enormous yawn and glanced at the clock. "But maybe not tonight. I don't know about you, but I'm freezing and sleep sounds pretty good right about now," he mumbled.
Despite my disappointment, I agreed with him; my feet felt like they were going to fall off from the cold. I went to click off the light but paused a moment. I could feel Vanitas' eyes on me, watching curiously. I squeezed my eyes shut and, before I could wuss out, I pulled the hoodie and my shirt off in one quick motion. My ribs throbbed painfully for a moment then the burning sensation of pain ceased. I heard a sharp breath behind me and felt my cheeks heat up. The cold smacked against my bare skin and I instinctively wanted to curl my arms around myself. Instead, I pulled the poofy blanket back and settled against the sheets. I caught Vanitas' gaze and froze in place. He was looking at the aftermath of Dad's beating.
Realizing that he was staring, Vanitas tore his eyes away from the purple shiners on my skin. "I'm sorry, it's just that I...I hadn't seen all of what he'd done to you," he said. I raised my eyebrows sadly and looked down at the light blue sheets. Vanitas climbed in next to me and I clicked off the light. He pulled me to him and I curled against his chest, my forehead pressed against his sternum. My hair brushed against his arm and a pang jolted through my heart. 'I hope I can convince him to stop. I don't want...,' I thought before I shook my head. I wouldn't think about that; there was no way I was going to let that happen. "Goodnight, Ven," Vanitas murmured sleepily. I sighed a little and pressed a small kiss against his skin. "Goodnight, Vanitas," I said. I shut my eyes, but instead of dreaming, I was swallowed into darkness.
I was awoken by the smell of bacon and instantly my mouth began to water. Despite the glorious smell, I felt too lazy to move my body and snuggled down into the warmth of the blanket. "Oi! Get your ass out of bed. We have crap to do today," said a voice in my ear. I felt my forehead crinkle up in confusion and peeked an eye open. Bright blue eyes stared down at me from under black bangs. "Xion?" I mumbled. She nodded and, without warning, ripped the blanket off of me. As soon as the cold air hit my skin, I yelped and curled up into a ball. "Come on, kitten, everyone is waiting downstairs," Xion said impatiently, shaking my leg. I frowned and sat up groggily. "What are you talking about? Who is everyone?" I muttered, my voice still thick with sleep.
Xion took one look at me and burst out into a cackle of a laugh. I rubbed at my eyes and arched an eyebrow at her. "Oh my god, that's priceless. I have to tell them," Xion snickered, hurrying out of the room. Too sleepy to bother with her random strangeness, I sighed and pulled myself out of bed. At some point during the night, I had slipped my hoodie back on. It kept me warm as I shuffled into the bathroom. I heard the muffled noises of voices downstairs and could feel my confusion and curiousity grow. Without even glancing in the mirror, I quickly relieved myself and went into the hallway. My feet tingled with each step for they were still "waking up". Trying to ignore the pins and needles sensation in my toes, I sluggishly made my way down the stairs.
The voices hushed as I neared the living room. My eyebrows furrowed and I stifled a yawn. I heard a snicker and then the whole room was filled with guffaws and giggles. I blinked blurrily and noticed that all of my friends, including Roxas and Xion, were staring at me and were laughing. "Well, good morning, Sleeping Beauty," Xion giggled. I frowned again, which caused more laughter. "What is so funny?" I mumbled, slightly disgruntled.
A/N: I'm sure you were expecting this to go in a completely different way. I wanted to get the fact that even though Ven confessed his feelings, it didn't make Vanitas' depression just up and disappear. That's not how it works. I hope that you all got that when you were reading. Thank you so much for all of your support. To tell you all the truth, you've helped me through some tough times this year. The rising view count, the wonderful reviews, and all of you adding this story and even me as an author to your favorites...you have brought smile after smile to my face and I thank you for that. For each one of my readers and followers, I love you and if you are going through something right now, then let me be your Ventus and make you feel better. Even if it is for a moment.