When this began
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me

I was confused
And I let it all out to find
That I'm not the only person with these things in mind
Inside of me
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel

Nothing to lose
Just stuck/ hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I've held so long
Erase all the pain till it's gone
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face
I was confused
Looking everywhere only to find
That it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
So what am I
What do I have but negativity
'Cause I can't justify the way, everyone is looking at me
Nothing to lose
Nothing to gain/ hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away, I'll find myself today

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong.

For a moment I could hear nothing apart from a low buzzing in my head which, after a while, started to hurt quite badly. Maybe if I just stood here and didn't say or do anything I'd wake up and it would all be a dream…yes, that would be nice….

"You will go to your room, fetch the stick and be back here in two minutes," Lucius continued icily, "and then you will teach my son obedience. A lesson you ought to have taught him a long time ago. "

"I am doing no such thing…"

"You are if you want to stay here," Lucius retorted. "And if you walk away now, I can guarantee that you will never have any contact with Draco again." He shrugged. "It's your choice, Severus." He turned sharply on his heel, "I shall return in a while."

I stood there, paralysed for Merlin knows how long, my mind and conscience battling consistently with one another. I couldn't run away, not now after everything that had happened but what choice did I have when the only alternative was to whip Draco and go back on everything I had ever promised him. All those reassurances that I wasn't going to hit him would be for nothing…but to never see him again, to leave him here on his own…that would be just as painful. I could have screamed with frustration!

Maybe…maybe he'd understand. If I talked to him, explained everything, perhaps it would be all-right…

'Don't be naïve,' said the little voice in my head, 'He's six years old. How can you possibly expect him to understand? The only thing Draco will understand is that the only person he's ever properly trusted has lied and betrayed him. Just as he always knew you would.'

I told it to go stick itself somewhere, although I knew that it was right. But what choice did I have?

I trudged back down the hall with a heavy heart, using every ounce of self-control not to snap the damnable thing in my hands into a thousand minuscule shards. The leather handle of the stick was already hot and sticky from my clenched fists.

Draco's head whipped around as the door swung shut behind me, his expression tense and frightened. Suddenly, I was transported back to my own childhood; hours of lying on my bed, just lying there and waiting for that thump…thump…of my father's boots on the uncarpeted stairs.

Remembering back to the terror I felt then and the fear in my little godson's eyes made me hate myself all the more for what I was about to do. Draco's lips twitched into a sort of half relieved, half-confused smile as he registered who it was.

"Sir, what are you…?" But the sentence was never completed. He gasped, blue-grey eyes growing wide with horror as he recognised what I was holding

"No no no…" he whimpered, cringing as far back as the wall would allow. "N-not you Sir! Please…please not you!"

"Draco, listen-"

"You promised!" Draco cried. "You promised you didn't hit! You…you said it was wrong…to-to hit kids…you said it should b-be illegal…" With every word, his voice was getting shriller and shriller, hysteria bubbling to the surface. "Please…please…"

"Dragon, you have to listen to me now," I said desperately, laying the stick at my feet and holding out my hands. "See? I won't hurt you." Draco glared at me warily, like a cornered animal, frightened eyes glancing at the object of terror set between us on the floor. Carefully, I stepped over it and sat down on the edge of the bed,

"Why are you doing this?" the boy whispered. "I-I don't…I don't understand."

"I haven't a choice," I told him. "If I don't do this I can never see you again. Can't you see that?"

Draco bowed his head, hugging his knees tight. His young face was contorted into a teary grimace and he began to rock himself back and forth in an effort to keep his tears at bay. But, for the first time since I had met him, my godson was unable to and, finally, all the tears he had so bravely kept locked away coursed down his cheeks and he dissolved into sobs.

I had always known that this moment would come, he would have to let go sooner or later, but never had I ever considered that I would be the final push towards the edge. I was so surprised and unprepared, I simply sat and watched Draco for several minutes, waiting, I think, for him to regain control of himself, but the hurt was too much and his sobs were becoming more and more hysterical.

I reached over and pulled the little boy's soggy form into my lap and held him against my chest. Draco did not protest, as I had feared he might, instead I could feel a dull pain were his fingers wrapped around my arm, clinging to me as he wept inconsolably into my shirt.

Many minutes passed, my arm was numb and my shirt was wet with salty tears, yet still Draco showed no signs of stopping. He cried hard, but not in the hysterical manner in which he'd started, instead it was the steady, helpless sobs of somebody who is trapped and can't find a way out. I simply sat and rocked him back and forth, rubbing his back and burying my face in his limp, silvery hair.

Ultimately, the tears stopped as eventually they had to, and Draco was reduced to nothing more than a shivery, soggy lump that lay in my arms, exhausted. We were both awash with the tears and mucus that crying always brings. The atmosphere around us was humid. I reached down and smoothed the damp hair away from Draco's face.

"Do you feel a little bit better now?" He didn't say anything, but lay against me, his thin body convulsing with shaky gasps as he tried to breathe properly.

"I-I'm…" Draco tried to speak, but couldn't quite form the words properly. He took a deep breath and tried again, "I-I-I'm sorry…" He raised his young eyes to mine, chewing his lip worriedly.

"Don't be," I said. "There's no shame in crying. Especially for you."

Draco grimaced. "Hurts," he whimpered. "It hurts Sir." My mind wandered back to those first few nights, so long ago now, and I remembered what he'd said when I'd asked him why it was that he didn't cry.

'Nobody can hurt me that way,' he'd replied, 'If they don't see me crying, I don't get hurt so bad.'

"Your body isn't used to crying and your chest must be quite strained from all of that. Just take it slowly and I'm sure the pain will go away soon." The boy nodded and lay back, closing his eyes and gradually I felt his body relax and ease up.

"I can hear your heart," he murmured.

I barely registered what Draco had said; I knew that this was far from over, the worst was still yet to come and neither of us was out of the nightmare yet. I only prayed that he would forget and leave us alone, at least until tomorrow. I couldn't bare the thought of Draco being so badly upset again in one night and I don't think my heart could take being shattered again. I toyed, for a fleeting moment, with the possibility of kidnapping Draco, but that would simply delay the inevitable and exacerbate what would happen anyway. It would be so easy though, just to take a train to the sea, live in a cheap hotel and live of fish and chips eaten out of newspaper…the novelty would wear off quickly.

"How very touching." Draco cried out in alarm, jerking back to hide his face in my shirt. I glared up at the man standing so arrogantly in the doorway; blocking our way out. There was no point lying to myself any more; I was scared.

Lucius' lip curled into a smile as he looked down on us. "I knew you wouldn't have the guts to go through with it," he sneered. "You have always let your emotions get in the way of what is important."

"And what do you think is important, Lucius?" I snapped, adjusting Draco in my lap. "Because it seems to me that our definitions of 'important' differ somewhat from each other. So, please, enlighten me."

His eyes flashed with cold, hard steel and in a single stride, Lucius was crouched down in front of us, teeth bared,

"If my memory is correct, there was a time, Severus, when you didn't give a damn about the boy. Do you remember that? It was only when I forced you that you even looked at him for the first time and even then you disliked him. So don't you dare get all righteous with me, because you aren't exactly perfect yourself."

"At least I don't pretend to be. If all those people at the ministry knew what kind of a person you really were, you'd never be respected again." To my surprise and anger, Lucius laughed.

"You really are naïve, Severus. Two things; one, it is important to keep one's domestic life separate from work and two, you know very well that my particular way of parenting is not uncommon in pure-blooded society," he sighed, "I suppose it's what comes of being only half a wizard."

I couldn't control myself any longer; I punched him. There wasn't as much blood as I would've liked, but the amount was adequate enough to cause me a sadistic satisfaction and I did not regret doing it, and still don't to this day.

Draco made a strange noise, somewhere between a cry of horror and a snort of amusement as Lucius staggered back, clutching his nose and glaring at us murderously. It shouldn't have been funny, but it was. Unfortunately, Lucius didn't seem to have a sense of humour at that particular moment in time

In a single movement, he had yanked Draco from me, literally shaking with anger. "Hypocrite!" Lucius spat, eyes blazing. "You think you're better than us? You think yourself above our traditions?" he turned sharply to Draco, who shrank back slightly. "Remove your shirt, Draco." My student shot me a quick, petrified look, chewing his bottom lip furiously, then bowed his head submissively and slowly undid his buttons with trembling fingers.

Lucius glanced from his son to me with a curl of his lip and shoved the cane into my hands. "Do it," he hissed. He made a gesture towards Draco, who placed his small hands on the child's desk, standing in the corner and bent slightly at the waist. Marks of previous abuse stood out blatantly across his back, some were scars of probably many years ago and some were obviously more recent. I closed my eyes, trying to block this out, hoping that, when I opened them again, all this would disappear…but, of course, it didn't. Tears rolled freely down Draco's nose and splashed onto the desk, his body convulsed with quiet sobs of helplessness.

"Do it," Lucius said again, pushing me towards the boy. I shook my head numbly, No. No I couldn't do it…I couldn't! "Coward," the blonde man hissed in my ear. "You're nothing but a half-blood and a coward. You don't deserve to be called a Wizard." I knew that he only said those things to goad me, to make angry.

And he succeeded.

"I'm not a coward!" I snarled.

Lucius smirked, "Then prove it."

I raised the cane high over my shoulder and, for the worst possible reason, brought it down hard across Draco's back. It was only once…only one hit…but it was enough. The stick snapped as it made contact and opened old wounds, drawing blood. Draco wailed and collapsed, his legs giving way beneath him.

My own legs felt as though they were made of water as the reality of what I had just done dawned on me. I had hit a child and Draco of all people…the sight of my precious godson sobbing on the floor with blood trickling down his back- blood that I had caused- made me gag. I through the thin piece of leather-bound wood that I was still holding to the ground and ran out, not stopping until I reached my room and threw up into the toilet.

I knew, then, that I couldn't stay there any longer, not after that. Not after what I had just done. I had to get away from there.

I made my departure later that same evening, with as little fuss as was possible, leaving a note for Draco on my desk.

I spoke briefly with Lucius, declaring my immediate resignation and he was at least gracious enough to promise a good reference. Despite, he said, being far too righteous for my own good and that it would probably get me into trouble one day. I pointed out, somewhat coolly, that it allready had and that was the reason why I was leaving. Lucius' response to this was to simply wave me out of his office and wish me luck.

"And don't forget," he said turning to his paperwork, "to close the door on your way out."

A/N: And there we go. Snape's reaction in HBP when Harry called him a coward interested me so I thought I'd inlcude it :)

Next chapter might be a while as it is currantly being collabarated(sp?) with perfectpureblood.

Love Lily xxx