Emily was happy when Paige texted her back right away. She definitely needed to unwind after the tense conversation with her mother, and if she was being honest, she hadn't stopped thinking about Paige the whole evening.
When she arrived at The Radley, she couldn't help but smile brightly at Paige sitting at the bar. Forgetting the tentativeness that Paige had shown around her earlier, Emily quickly walked over to Paige and gave her a warm, long hug. When she pulled away, Emily was surprised to find that even under the dim bar lights, she could see a flush on Paige's cheeks from the embrace.
Emily knew that Paige had been interested in her in the past, but timing was never right so it was just easier to be friends. It flattered Emily though that Paige may still have some of those old feelings.
In the few minutes that it took for Emily to arrive, the bar had gotten fairly crowded. It was apparently the new "it" place to be on a Friday night. Thankfully, a small seating area in the corner had just opened up so the girls decided to sit there so they could be more comfortable and actually get to talk.
The bar was loud, so they had to sit closely to each other to be able to hear one another speak. Their legs were pressed against each other on the couch, and it did not go unnoticed by Paige that Emily found small ways to touch her during the conversation. They weren't obvious or strange in the context of the conversation. It was as simple as Emily touching Paige's arm when she was laughing at one of her stories or softly rubbing her thigh when Paige talked about how much she missed swimming.
"You know, the hotel does have a pool…" Emily responded when Paige confessed how long it had been since she had been in the water.
If Paige hadn't known better, she could have sworn that Emily was flirting with her, but she could have been just being Emily. It was sometimes so hard to tell and Paige wasn't willing to put herself out there again unless she knew they were both interested in the same thing.
"I know, but I didn't bring my suit. I didn't even think about it." Paige replied sadly, wishing she had though to bring it.
"Yeah but you have running clothes, right? Just put on a sports bra and running shorts, it's practically the same thing." Emily replied, amused that Paige hadn't thought of the obvious solution.
"Yeah, I guess I could do that." Paige replied, wondering why Emily was pushing the issue. Paige then watched from the couch while Emily stood up and held out her hand. "Wait…you mean go swimming now?!"
"Yeah…of course I mean now. Any chance you have some extra gear for me?" Emily replied as she smiled down at a confused Paige.
Paige just smiled back and took Emily's outstretched hand. She half expected Emily to release it once Paige had stood up, but she hadn't. Instead she let their hands linger together for a moment before intertwining their fingers and leading Paige towards the elevators.
Paige struggled to keep her breathing even as she was bombarded with flashbacks of that evening. This was different though. Emily had only had 1 drink and it's not like they were going up to her room to have sex…
"Earth to Paige!" Emily jokingly shouted, pulling Paige from her internal wonderings. "What floor are you staying on?"
"Oh…6…sorry!" Paige replied, embarrassed that Emily had caught her day dreaming.
When they got up to the room, Paige quickly went to her suitcase and grabbed out some running gear that she thought would fit Emily and handed it to her. Emily gave her an appreciative smile as she walked towards Paige's bathroom to change.
Emily changed quickly and opened the bathroom door to find Paige still changing. Emily stood there quietly watching Paige pull her bra over her head and pull her jeans down her trim pale legs. She felt the strangest feeling of déjà vu but couldn't quite place it. She had seen Paige change in the locker room, but this was different.
Before Emily could dwell too much on the missing memory, Paige turned and noticed Emily watching her.
"Oh, sorry!" Emily said nervously when Paige noticed that she was exiting the bathroom. "…I thought you'd be done..."
"No worries." Paige replied, flattered that she had caught Emily watching her. She decided to test the waters further and continued, "It's not like it's anything you haven't seen before." Paige ended with a coy smile.
Emily was confused by Paige's response but didn't want it to show, so she just smiled awkwardly back. She wasn't quite sure what Paige meant by that. They had seen each other in the locker room over the years, but out of courtesy, neither girl ever let their gaze linger.
Emily then wondered if it was more just a blanket statement, like once you had seen one girl naked, you had seen them all. But then Emily worried that maybe Paige was referencing the reputation that she had back in LA. During her dark days, she had made it a habit to go to random bars and make out with strange women. She almost never went home with them, partially because shew was usually too drunk for anything more, but also because she wasn't the type to sleep around. She did know though that she had occasionally gone home with a few girls, who she couldn't even remember their names or have been able to identify in the morning. It wasn't a time in her life she was proud of and it bothered Emily that Paige might see her that way. Paige hung out at a lot of the same bars as Emily, so she had probably seen her at her worst, on more than one occasion.
Paige noticed Emily's confusion and then a hint of shame cross over Emily's face as she quickly finished getting dressed in her running gear. She felt bad about making such a cavalier joke without realizing it might cause Emily pain.
"Em, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. I have been struggling all day on whether I should bring it up or just pretend it never happened…" Paige said quietly from across the room as she looked down at her own feet.
"That what never happened?" Emily replied, totally confused as to what Paige was referring to.
"That night…back in LA….like a year ago…" Paige replied as Emily stood with a confused look at her face. "You really don't remember, do you?" Paige continued softly as she realized why she never heard from Emily afterwards and why Emily hadn't acted as tentative and awkward as she had when they ran into each other earlier. Emily didn't remember.
"No…I don't know what you're talking about…I'm sorry…" Emily responded sincerely and regretfully. She racked her brain trying to think back, but that time in her life was too much of blur. She had been partying too long, with the wrong kind of crowd, and had more than a handful of nights she had little to no memory of.
Paige knew now that she had to explain that night to Emily and it made her stomach churn. If Emily was so far gone that night that she didn't remember any of, then she was in no shape to give consent. Paige began recounting the events of that evening, but couldn't even look at Emily, knowing the guilt she now felt would be even worse if she had to look her in the eye during the confession.
"It was about a year ago. I was in some bar and when I went to leave, I saw you sitting there. You were drunk but waived for me to come over. You stood up to hug me and fell over. I was holding you up, then I wasn't holding you, you were holding me." Paige continued after a long pause. "You kissed me and you asked me to take you back to my place. I did, and we…erm….you know…. Maybe you thought I was someone else, maybe I knew that, but I didn't stop you. I didn't want to stop you. It was like a dream…" Paige confessed, barely above a whisper.
"…and then what happened?" Emily asked. Feeling her own hear break at Paige's confession.
"The dream ended. I woke up and you were gone. I texted you a few times, but I never heard back. I figured you woke up and realized who you went home with and regretted it."
A hazy memory was starting to creep back into Emily's conscious as Paige recounted the evening's events. Emily vaguely remembered waking up next to someone about a year ago. But when she had woken, she instantly felt guilty as she looked at the naked brunette lying next to her. The girl's face had been partially covered by her hair and the pillow, so Emily hadn't really seen who it was. She didn't really look too hard either though. The feelings of guilt and shame washing over her were too much for her to bear, so she grabbed her clothes from the floor and fled.
"Paige….I…" Emily started before Paige cut her off.
"I've tried to convince myself that what we did was ok. It wasn't. You were there, and I was drunk too, but much less than you, and I just got…greedy. I'm sorry…." Paige interrupted quietly.
"It wasn't your fault…" Emily tried to interject and relieve some of Paige's pain.
"I shouldn't have let it happen. It was wrong." Paige replied, with tears beginning to form in her eyes.
Emily walked slowly towards Paige, taking her hand in her own, "Don't say that."
"I mean it." Paige replied, accepting Emily's comfort but still refusing to look her in the eye.
"I don't want you to say it. I don't want you to mean it. I want you to listen… I haven't been in a relationship with anyone since Hanna. I haven't even really thought about it. Or at least I didn't think I was thinking about it. I was drunk that night and I was lost. But maybe I wasn't lost; maybe I was just looking for something, or looking for somebody. And I found you." As Emily spoke, Paige glanced up at her briefly before looking down again.
"Don't look away." Emily softly demands as she reached out with her free hand to place it on Paige's face. Paige finally looked up and into Emily's eyes. They looked haunted, but open to new possibilities. Just as quickly as their eyes met, Emily's eyes closed and she pulled Paige towards her. Their lips met softly but were full of passion and determination.
As they kissed, the memory began flooding back to Emily. She suddenly remembered seeing Paige at the bar that night and how beautiful she looked. She remembered kissing her until they were both breathless. She remembered going home with her and the look of desire and fear in Paige's eyes when she asked if Emily was sure. Even more so, she remembered how amazing they had been together. In the few times she had been other girls over the last few years, she had always been so guarded. But with Paige she hadn't been. She felt safe in a way that she hadn't in a long time. She allowed herself to be vulnerable and to be in the moment with Paige.
As the memory washed over her, Emily couldn't help to feel a slight twinge of guilt. It was easy for her to assume that she felt guilty for leaving Paige and for making Paige feel rejected for so long and for hurting her. But if she was honest with herself, she wasn't sure that was the real reason for why she felt this way.
Emily tried to ignore the feelings that caused her inner turmoil and confusion. When she finally broke away from the kiss, she rested her head on Paige's and let out a content sigh. She leaned in for one more brief kiss before saying, "Come on…let's go swimming."
Paige couldn't stop smiling as Emily led her by the hand out of the room and to the elevator. She was happy when a stranger accidently bumped into her in the elevator. It reminded her that she wasn't dreaming and that this was really happening.
When the elevator opened, Paige and Emily exited and headed across the lobby towards the fitness center and pool. As they passed the front desk, Paige felt Emily tense up and let go of her hand. Paige looked around the lobby and didn't see anyone that she recognized, so she was confused by the action, but Emily soon reached for her hand again and didn't say anything. The action worried Paige, but Emily didn't seem like it was something she wanted to address, so Paige kept quiet as well.
When they had gotten to the lobby, it hit Emily that Paige was staying at The Radley, Hanna's mother's hotel. Emily and Hanna's mother had always been very close. Emily stayed with the Marin's for a while in high school when her dad was stationed in Texas, and Ashley became like a second mother to her.
Upon her realization, a sudden and intense fear came over Emily. Without thinking, she released Paige's hand and sped up her stride. As soon as she realized what she had done, she slowed down and reached back out for Paige's hand, hoping that the other girl hadn't notice her anxiety. While Emily hadn't seen Ashley in a few years, she hoped that she'd be happy that Emily had found someone, even if it wasn't her daughter. After all, Hanna had moved on.
When they finally got to the pool, both girls grabbed towels from the counter and headed right to the pool's edge. The water was still and untouched. Each girl casually dove in and wordlessly began swimming the length of the pool. Both thankful for cool, calm feeling of the water gliding past their body, helping them both ease their minds from any worry, doubt, or confusion the night had stirred up within them.