Unlike the first time I met James, Remus and I are practically best friends by dinner. Which, by the way, is an extremely awkward affair. I'm stuck in between Ben and Mr. Potter. I don't know him that well; all I know is that he's very tall, dark, and stern-looking. He has these sharp, extremely blue eyes that make me feel like I'm three feet tall. I think he's said one word to me since I got here. Remus and James sit across the table from me, looking greedily at the dinner in front of us. Which is why it surprises me when they don't eat like complete and total pigs. They use silverware, and napkins, and even *gasp* chew with their mouths closed. When we're finished, James offers to clear the table and wash the dishes. I look at this in wonder; are they really this polite to their families?

I remember when my parents were alive, and we used to eat together. They were really polite too, my parents. Ben and I, on the other hand, were…well, not. At all. I look over at my brother; he's staring moodily at his plate, no doubt reminiscing, like I am. Our eyes meet; mine are kind of wet. Stupid, betraying tear ducts.

"Are you alright, Max?" I look up to see Remus looking questioningly at me. James comes into the room, soap suds on his dripping hands.

"What's wrong?" he asks, looking directly at me.

"Nothing." I shrug. "It's just that…well, you're so…helpful." James laughs, looking surprised.

"Yeah, I guess." He shrugs. "I mean, I never really thought about it that way. I'm sure you were helpful with chores before your parents left, too." He says this meaning to be kind, but it makes me cringe, and feel veerrrry guilty. I knew there was a reason I should have done the dishes more when I was little.

"Yeah." I choke out, before standing and walking quickly to my room, trying not to cry. I can hear raised voices in the dining room, and then silence. I close and lock the door to my room, and collapse on the bed, tears falling freely down my face and into my hair.

A few minutes later, there's a knock on the door.

"Go away!" I cry, but my voice is muffled from the pillow I'm crying into. I don't think they hear me, because the door clicks open, presumably by magic, and in walks, oh goody, James.

"Max, why did you lie to me?" he asks, frowning. "Didn't you trust me?"

"Aren't you, like, not supposed to use magic yet?"

He just looks at me, eyebrows raised expectantly.

"I'm s-sorry." I cave, wiping my eyes and sitting up. He comes to sit beside me, and hands me some tissues to wipe my eyes and nose off with. "I hate talking about them, it's just so h-hard for me…" I know he knows who I am talking about.

"You are forgiven." He says, smiling at me. I freeze, looking at him in wonder. In all my life, I have never been told 'you are forgiven.' Maybe, 'say you're sorry and maybe I won't stab your eyeballs out with a sharpie,' but never this. This strikes me as funny for some reason, and I smile too. "Tell me about them; what were they like?" He sounds honestly curious, like he really cares, and for the next hour I tell him everything I can remember about my parents. Except for how they died.

That bit of information will stay with me to the grave.

"I'd ask what you two were doing in there for an hour, but something tells me I really don't want to know." This is the greeting we get as we exit my room, James looking relatively pleased with himself, and me feeling a little better about everything.

"Good call, Remus." I nod, winking. I hate when people wink; it's the most cliché and totally unbearable gesture anyone can make.

Which is, naturally, why I do it as much as I can.

Not that you care, and this is totally random, but here is a list of some other things that I can't stand:

1. Those fake Christmas trees with the spray-painted on snow and giant plastic Santa Clause heads on them
2. People who start decorating for Christmas before Thanksgiving. Christ, people, chill out. Honestly.
3. Those really cheesy Halloween decorations people put out in their yards, like the plastic clowns (which have approximately a 0 in the scare-factor, by the way)
4. When people do "quotes" in the air with their fingers.
5. When a cereal box tells you there is going to be a prize inside, and then you find out you actually have to send in fifteen dollars to get the little plastic piece of crap. All that excitement for nothing; it's enough to traumatize a kid.
6. Regular white mint chocolate chip ice cream; green is definitely the only way I like it.
7. When you have crushes on hot guys who are totally unavailable, but when they finally do become available you stop liking them
8. People who are just too gosh darn hot for their own good

Which brings me back to James, naturally. He's not the conventional kind of hot, but he's definitely got the whole just-rolled-out-of-bed-with-you look going for him. Messy hair, tired eyes, small smile. He seems totally cool with everything and everyone, like the kind of person who would never beg, but isn't too proud to climb trees or watch old kid movies.

Of course, he doesn't even know what a movie is, so that's a bad example. But still.

Anyway, this is why I am totally blown away when Remus mentions Lily in front of James. His whole face melts together, into a look too disgusting to even try and describe. And while my explanation will certainly not express the terrifyingness of the smile he is smiling, or the way his eyes are all bright and excited, it will at least show you a little bit of what I am seeing now. I am seeing James's mouth spread into a huge, dreamy smile; I am seeing James's cheeks grow flushed; I am seeing James's hair standing up to attention, almost as if in anticipation.

And this is only after Remus said, "Your mom has some nice lilies out front."

Oh, lord.

"Snap out of it!" I screech, slapping him across the face. He shakes his head, looking dazed.

"Oh, hello there!" He says, smiling loopily at me. The look on my face must sober him up quite a bit, because soon he's apologizing, and looking embarrassed. "If the mention of the flower lily can send you into an orgasmic state, I don't even want to know how you are around the girl one." I shutter, trying not to picture it.

"You'll love her. Everyone does." He says, but his smile is fainter now, like he's remembering something painful. "Of course, she doesn't return the favor…at least not to me…"

"How very touching." I say callously.

"For the past six years I've been begging and begging her to go steady with me; she always refuses. She hates me." Oh, great, now he's getting all depressed. This guy has more hormones in him than a menopausal woman on steroids. And trust me, that's saying something, since I had plenty of teachers like that back at G-WAM. I know.

"First of all, who the hell says 'go steady with' anymore, and second of all: So you're just going to give up?" I ask. Both he and Remus look up, startled by my response. "You're going to let that bitch bitch-slap you around until you're blue in the balls, and then GIVE UP?" I'm practically shouting by the end of this very weird, very disturbing little speech. If only my parents could hear me and my rad new public speaking skills now… sheesh. I'm hopeless.

"Well what do you suggest I do?" James asks, a bit defensively. I think for a minute, and then shrug.

"Wwweeelllllll, James…you'll do what any backstabbing, manipulating little wannabe boyfriend or girlfriend would do in a position like this…you'll make her jealous."

"Ahh. And how might I do that?"

"Think hard, James, think really hard."

"Hard…" a far-off look crosses his face. Ew, gross!

"Not that kind of hard, you perv! I mean, the answer to all of your questions is right in front of you." James looks over at Remus, who's beside me.

"You want me to make Lily jealous by using Remus? And how exactly would that work; I'm not going to kiss him, if that's what you're—"

"ME, JAMES. You are going to make your little flower girl jealous by using ME."

"Oh. Oh, okay then."

Sheesh, I should be getting paid for this.

Over a week and a half has gone by, and I haven't had a single attack. Ben seems to be in a very good mood because of this, and is no longer scowling at everything in his path anymore. Hogwarts starts after G-WAM does, so…in exactly two days. James and I have been planning constantly since our little meeting with Remus; you know, the one where I gave my awesome speech about blueness and bitch-slapping and all that crap.

Here is our plan:

1. Hold hands when we walk through the wall and onto the platform. Keep holding hands until train departs. Some cutesy flirting and giggling would be helpful.
2. James is supposed to nod casually to Lily when they pass each other, just saying, "Hey, Evans." No stopping to chat, no lingering and drooly stares. Ick.
3. Get a compartment alone together, if possible. Meet James's partners in crime.
4. I'm supposed to laugh at everything James says when Lily is around, and talk about all the "great times we had together at James's house this summer" in front of her, as loudly as possible.

Throw in some more flirting, giggling, and cutesy pet names, and we've got ourselves a fool-proof Lily trap. See, as cheesy and cliché as this whole idea seems, and as much as we tell ourselves something like this would never work on us, it always does. Jealousy is present in even the most bitchy of minds. Especially the most bitchy of minds. Mark my words; Lily will be begging for him in no less than a month.

Unless, you know, she won't want him back. Which is kinda what I'm hoping for. I mean, as stupid as it sounds, I have this little fantasy that James will end up falling for me, choosing me over Lily. Pfft. Like that will ever happen.

So, when the Big Day finally comes, I have one last part of the Preparation Plan to complete: cutting James's hair.

"No."

"Yes."

"No! You are not touching my beautiful hair!"

"Oh yes I am. Trust me. This is essential. I can make you a Sex God. All it takes is one little snippity-snip—"

"Eww, never say that again, it makes me nervous." He says, backing away from me.

"For me?" I ask, pouting. He scowls.

"Fiinnnne." He groans. "But you better know what you're doing up there."

"I am very talented at this, thank you very much. I cut my brother's too."

"What if I'm less manly once it's gone?" He asks sadly.

"You do know its your hair we're talking about here, right?"

"Yes, yes, I know. Just get it over with quickly; I can't stand the suspense."

I first run a hand through his hair, getting a feeling for its texture and length. It's surprisingly soft and smooth; my heart is beating nervously somewhere near my throat; I'm flushed. What if I can't do this?

No. I can. And I will.

I take a deep breath, and make the first wave of my wand. Snip! A strand of dark hair falls to the ground. From then on I'm in my element; hair is flying everywhere; my hands are a blur. After I'm finished I run my hands through his hair again, trying to smooth and structure it; it works, to a certain extent. He no longer looks electrocuted, at least. In fact, he looks…wow. Woooowwww. I think I'm in trouble.

"Finished." I whisper hoarsely. James slowly opens his eyes and looks up at me.

"That was…amazing." He says. "It was like…I don't even know. You have serious talent, Max."

"Thanks…but shouldn't you take a look at your hair before praising me like that?"

"Oh…right…" he turns to look in the mirror, and his mouth falls open. "Nice work, DeVough! And here I thought it was impossible for me to be any more sexy…"